feb - dec 2008
feb 15
I tasted freedom, and have never felt this overwhelming feeling of hatred towards the place I call a home.
Paul, Marzhan, Sydney and I just started driving after we left Ihop. No where in particular, just towards Falls Church. We some how took a wrong turn, as Syd feels maybe by fate. We drove through Arlington, Alexandria, somewhere too far south of this shit hole town, then somehow ended up all the way crossing bridges into Maryland. From there we went to Bowie, took unfamiliar highways, crossed over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, went into Delware, weaved in and out of several different counties all over the area, I can't even remember them all. We drove from 11 pm to about 4 am. So many things happened. On an evacuation route we had a race with a blue Subaru car. Mind you this car had been following us for at least over half an hour.
Zooming off to tease us, slowing down, waiting for us to go, speeding ahead of us flashing their hazards taunting of a win for a race we hadn't played and finally I had enough of their cocky shit. Paul, just put their asses to shame. and off we sped. We left them in the dust, laughing and hollering. We slowed down when my gut started to feel worried and the assholes finally caught up to us, sped forward thinking they won. The only thing they won was a free pull over and allow their car to cool down after over heating.
We saw a sign for Ocean City, and the temptation to just go was more than indulging. After several minutes of debating and Paul's okay, we decided, fuck it. It's two am and there's no reason to go home. Theeeen we saw a sign saying 94 miles away. I wanted to see the water, Syd describing the beauty of the moon's reflection and the silent beach we decided to find a dock, a bay, any form of water. We drove down Oxford Rd forever and finally pulled into a neighborhood where mini docks stood gallantly. Everyone witnessed just how terrified of water I am when I froze on the bridge and couldn't go forward over the water. They cooed me over and we sat there on the edge of the tiny dock. The wind whispered into the poles supporting us and I've never heard such beautiful music. The ducks liked it too, I guess. They never stopped talking. After threatening voicemails from my mother and texts from Audrey saying dear mother was furious, we sulked to the car and tried to find a road home.
We were extremely lost, we had been almost the whole way. I thought 50 would take us to the Kena Shriner temple, but as it turns out, we'd been going the wrong way for an extremely long time. After a bitch-fest with mother I called Brandon to find out we not only were in Easton, Maryland, but over two hours away from home. He explained how to get home and what to do from what high way and finally we found familiar pavement. Pulling into my street, I've never been so let down. The stars were beautiful out in the middle of nowhere, but at that point they seemed dulled and lost all their character. I bolted inside and felt with withdrawal of realizing my dream of running away was possible. I also realized what I was running away from. Syd's words still drill through my mind, "Fuck those people back home, fuck responsibility, fuck being dead. We're ALIVE Amanda, ALIVE. All you do is play responsible, when was the last time you lived for yourself?"
I want to do it again,
I want to drive until we can't pay for anymore gas,
I want to leave this place that makes me scream, cry, and lash out with rage.
I want to go someplace my hand won't get bruised or cut from punching walls and cars, someplace I can look up for once and not stare at the ground I've memorized through out my entire seventeen years of living here.
I want to go back out there and just take a guess to what exit to take and see where the gods/fate/my own choices take me.
I want to continue feeling alive and not this hollowed out shell I've become.
I want to go somewhere with my life, and not live here forever with miserable people, depressed and fucked up families, and never again hear the crying of my mother's fear of me being in love with a girl.
I want away,
far
far
far away.
___
feb twenty-four
i guess i lied,
i've fallen back into a terrible mindset, sober or not.
and it's my own fault.
in ap government every morning i'm there i feel like i did at oakton, and it's bringing terrible terrible thoughts. i sit with two other people who either talk to themselves or not at all, and when it's time for group work everyone jumps into the people they socialize with while i sit staring at my desk hoping something will happen, like i'll disappear.
the teacher never really notices if i'm in a group or not,
i've stopped doing work except notes and maybe some homework.
i've become avoidant and even more cold hearted towards people. i slip in nasty comments or bring up uncomfortable things on purpose. i sit and get ripped apart by the only girl who can influence my choices, i get emotionally destroyed by everyone, and as always the attention is always on someone else unless i be overly dramatic.
i'm ranting in my journal because the only two people who care to reach out are syd and paul. syd keeps focusing on herself then realizes i'm pissed off. and paul, well. there's really nothing he can say that i haven't said before or say something stupid. it's sweet he's trying.
i'm just depressed.
and i shouldn't be,
it's all just bad timing,
right?
oh and i have this fucking rash/poison ivy/allergic reaction/bug bites/bed bug/who the fuck knows what it is on an awkward part of my hip between my ass and pelvic bone. its on my thumbs too [or its just bug bites on my thumbs] and it's driving me up the wall with itchy irritation.
__
march third
shit.
brian is in jail.
for a felony and three misdemeanors.
because someone in his car stole a seven year olds sled.
cierra moved in with her mom,
bensen nothing happened so far.
__
march seven
I took a very long walk today.
I started off just exiling myself from John's house, on the phone with mother and godmother/lawyer, laying in the backyard soaking up mud as I stared into the empty sky. I was forced to relive my biggest nightmare, and finally told my mother, who by the way is sleeping in the "Bamboo Palace" outside tonight, I can't do this anymore.
I walked, and walked, and walked.
Looking down the vacant roads, wondering what random cars thought as they passed me by. I'm normally a very lazy person and despise walking for long periods of time but tonight my heart guided me away from the direction of my house. I would have kept walking except my shining star pulled through for me, and once again guided me home safely and in a much happier mind set. As I walked, I contemplated everything that has happened in my life, questioning the higher powers about their/his/her plan for me, wondering why me? It's a selfish question, but as my lawyer said, "We aren't getting this justice for your mother or anyone else, Amanda. This is about you, and you alone."
Nothing will come from this except an entire family I've known forever hating me, tons of money wasted, and a heavy heart. I thought I was doing better, these passed two days have been a very tough trial for me. I've failed miserably in controlling myself, but this time it's not a test. It's not about selfishness, jealousy, or even greed. It's about hate for what's happened.
I can't really focus anymore,
my mind is wandering.
and tonight
I'm 'sneaking' out, more like walking out the door, leaving my sleeping father to never know I'm gone.
I feel empty.
But not the usual "oh I'm so empty and depressed from all the highschool drama."
This is a feeling that will follow me the rest of my life, conviction or no conviction. It has physically handicapped me into pleasurable acts and hindered my sense of a healthy relationship. It's broken trust emotionally but much more physically. I just hope I can find the courage in myself to stand there, stare the burning eyes of judgment with a stone cold face, and vindicate the truth. I just hope it sets me free.
___
march fourth
I think I'm getting really sick and possible ear infection. Noises on my right side are often muted and no matter how many times I clean my ear, either no gunk comes out or it just hurts. Last night when I came home, apparently I looked pale as shit and I could barely walk. I stood in the cold for roughly two hours and then in a car for more than three, waiting around the bail bond place. Some terrible and very unlucky shit has happened and a few friends had to get 325$ for bail [10% of the 3000$ total.] I don't really know what the out come of it will be, but in reality I feel they're enjoying the attention. It's a bitch thing to say, but we all know as bad as the situation is the attention is somewhat worth it.
I think I'm just in a bitter mood. Having three red days in a row, meaning ap government every day, is really fucking with me. I forget I can't delay my homework in the class because it's been every day now. Thankfully tomorrow is the last red day for three school days, then back to normal. I've slowly slipped in conversation with my English teacher about how rough things have gotten and all my red day teachers have noticed my sudden downward mind set. I kept my hood up all day and slept in all the classes except for the tests. I've become very disappointed in certain people and their actions, you'd think eventually people would learn after the third time of fucking up. I wonder if I've learned anything from all this shit, and in my mind set I want to say I haven't. Some of my friendships are more than bi-polar. One day I've never been happier to be so close to them, the next spitting out terrible names.
I've been doing my best to control my anger, jealousy, and expressing my disappointment. My standards and expectations are rising at an alarming rate. I'm also royally pissed off that today I ranted on and on about the law and government issues realizing that I am learning shit in this stupid class, so why am I failing? Why can't I get a higher grade than 39%?
I wish I didn't only express emotions through livejournal and my sketchbook. I feel so conceded and emo writing here. I'm really not as sad a person as these walls of texts whine about, I like to think I'm a much happier person away from the computer. I think I'm going through a very difficult time due to the fact I'm realizing I'm trying to find myself in all the wrong places.
I don't know.
I'm procrastinating homework again.
Anything on the computer loses my attention too quickly. I can't even complete all my neopet games without getting bored...
Who knows.
Life works in weird ways and I'm just picking and prying certain parts so cynically so I feel I have a sense of awareness and control.
It's not really working, if I had a backbone my goals would be accomplished by now.
I'm actually in an okay mood.
Taylor bought me a snuggie. it's quite comfortable.
__
march five again?
she let me explain myself and why i'm so confused.
later tonight on the phone i have hope i'll explain exactly the emotions inside me.
it is not jealousy, just confusion and fear of being replaced.
i'll admit to her those few brief spurts of jealousy that occur when he randomly gets kisses and snuggles, i'll tell her how angry i get when he makes comments such as "so i see you're able to walk today. keep it up and i'll make sure you don't tomorrow." [referring to rough sex.], and i'll tell her i've never been happier with anyone in my life with where we stand now.
i've become a bit more comfortable opening up to my mom about her, explaining we rarely have sex, if we do at all. my mother knows how uncomfortable and scared i get during sex and she believes me. that's all i really need. i'm in a stable relationship with her, she's supporting and protecting me. she's allowing me to protect her for the most part, and lately she's the only person i want to see.
although awkwardness happened today when a friend of mine told taylor's dad i'm dating his daughter. drey tried to cover it up but he's not stupid. he confronted her in private and i laughed around with him later. it's gonna be weird being around him now for a while, but i'm willing to make that sacrifice to keep what i have. it's been two years and several months, i fear the future due to we'll part ways for college most likely.
i'm going to go attempt to do government homework, but i already know i'll end up sketching her in my notebook again. despite all the shit with everyone else, i'll capture those beautiful eyes looking at me, telling me she loves me. and to hear the words, "i love you more than anyone, i love you more than brian." is enough for me. i told her it was hard to believe, but something in my heart says it's true.
_
march 14th
sometimes you can't run far enough.
A lot has happened this week and I'm in a weird mood.
Brian went missing after his hearing, my mom went haywire trying to find him. From threatening channel 7 news, my county sheriff's department, and getting quite drunk. Turns out he was with his dad in North Carolina the entire time, which Taylor remembered too late today.
Also this week, while suffering with terrible body aches and bi-polar temperatures, I have been accepted into VCU, the only college I applied to. I've never felt so relieved.
Then I remember money, and I want to just give up.
My mom's emergency money is gone, we had to wait a week to see if my sickness was just a minor cold [we're only guessing it's the flu from friend's who are nurses] and hopefully on monday I can get my very fucked up eye checked out.
I'm scatter minded right now, my apologies.
This week has been very loving to me. By being sick and not going to school, I apparently missed a very big blow out amongst my group of friends who are no longer speaking. Something I did not want to have to get involved with nor be forced to choose sides. I've also realized I'm happier without their drama and can limit myself without them. I also got a lot of attention from Taylor and Nate, I was cuddled to sleep and comforted with company for most of the days. Yet a piece of my heart is still being pulled around when I see the shimmer in her eyes when we saw Brian.
I guess the green eyed monster never really leaves, even if you tame him. Like a wolf, it's a wild creature leading to the point you cannot predict its behavior. My cat is curled up with me, and I'm using Nate's laptop. I thought I was happy, but for some reason watching Watchmen made me really question a lot in society.
School is going to be miserable, I've never missed an entire week before...
__
march twenty-third
i dont even know what to write anymore.
every day before third period, i find myself about to cry.
every day i'm reminded everything is my fault, even if it's not.
every day i feel like i'm losing myself, though i could have sworn i was closer to understanding.
every day i listen to others, sometimes ramble my own thoughts, and i wonder when people will actually care.
when things get better,
the bad out weighs it.
i try to stay optimistic, but it's not in my nature.
i'm tired of being second best, last resort, used, and being an item to pass time with.
i pushed myself away from people who i saw them going no where, people who hurt me, people that stench of bad luck and misfortune, i'm trying to focus on school, on myself, working towards a future.
where in the hell is life taking me, and why is it putting me through this trial?
i'm not necessarily depressed, and far from suicidal, i just feel empty, worthless in a way, and constantly fading in an out of reality.
i want to go back,
but to what i don't know.
wishing to go back does nothing but dampen chances of moving forward,
so why am i pressed against a wall?
can't i just push off it and keep walking?
what's stopping me?
when did this happen?
__
march 29
to sum it up:
everyone's getting expelled from Madison left and right.
Audrey has an sap schedule to follow so me and Rodger agreed we'd meet up and walk around since we have no more friends ahah.
I'm excited to buy my first pack of cigarettes, I'm more excited for Friday, Spring break starts and Taylor and I are going to West Chester, PA. I finally get to see her hometown and meet all these amazing people.
Taylor and I are having problems with Nate and Brian again, as always.
I pulled my government grade to a D and if Brian goes through with it and gets me my paper + Michelle finishes a homework assignment for me, I might have a C.
I'm struggling with my paper in English.
I went on a fancy date with Nate for his birthday and went with his family to Ruth's Chris. Best 48$ steak ever man.
Things are good but stressful, my dad is slowly deteriorating and I hate having the same exact conversation every night. It's kind of depressing to watch him barely hold his weight.
I've been doing less drugs,
I've been trying to focus on school,
I'm wondering how my family will get 200$ deposit for VCU and when I try to mention suggestions I get yelled at,
and well.
I've been pretty happy lately.
:)
__
april 13
The day got a lot better after that entry.
I got my license and so mom let me drive to pick up Taylor. After that cleaning became fun, my brother changed mom's music to the radio and Audrey, Taylor and I were dancing as we cleaned downstairs with my brother and mother. Cooking dinner was enjoyable too! It was pretty exciting. We were all starving by the time my dad came home, he loved the way I set the table, he said I looked adorable too [I wore a skirt and my hair was slightly curly.] My mom apparently told Taylor she accepts us dating and that we're just going through a phase during the cleaning. She also lectured Audrey for a good like...twenty minutes about cutting when she saw the scars on her arm. Best quote of that speech: There are better fucks out there.
and the best quote of that day from my mom: I'm not emotional. being completely serious!
Overall I'm pretty happy.
Spring break has seriously helped me with my self. West Chester was fucking amazing, even with my moments of complete silence around strangers. I became very good friends with Taylor's brothers, Kid with the Hair (Cris) and Hair Flipper (Alex), I also love Ratch. She cut my hair and still likes me after the massive battle my hair put up. Getting out of Vienna and seeing people that are easy to get along with and laughing, fucking around, and drama being only between the people it involved was nice. We went to the Moravian Tiles museum/pottery and tile house with Taylor's aunt which was actually exciting.
Coming home was depressing but still pretty fun. I stayed out late in the night [between two am and five am] because I was crashing at Taylor's empty house watching Pockets while she was away. Those were some pretty fucking awesome nights. Brian, Nate, Mar, Audrey and I raced cars, drove to Skyline park, West Virginia, and who knows where else. We partied with Thejs and Paul (the crazy scientist). It's been a good week.
Brian's court hearing is today, 85% chance of going to jail [I still don't understand how], but hopefully he doesn't go, and if he does maybe he'll learn a lesson about carelessness.
School soon, I completely forget everything I've learned. Hahaha, at least it's a black day.
This Friday, hopefully I'll be returning to West Chester for Abbey's 18th birthday party!
_
later
i guess i was wrong, once again.
i thought maybe i had tamed the anger, made it controllable.
then today things just piled on me, it seemed like everything came crashing down. the thing inside me has broken out again.
i tried to keep it deep inside, holding every thought a secret by holding on tight. now i lay here on the floor, sobbing a pathetic song. my knuckles throb, the wall takes the blow, next thing i know, my face is back in the floor.
all the self-hate/pity came pouring back into my heart, and it feels like i never got anywhere at all.
i guess it's like a relapse, but emotions instead of drugs. i said one thing, and my mom called me a horrible person because it wasn't what i meant to say.
i don't control my vocal cords, words are spilling out the door.
the profanity, the twisted words, misconception, lies, everything i say is not me at all.
why am i suddenly breaking? i was aware i was digging myself a hole, but i just now realized it's a grave a day too late.
i don't know if i want to get out of this comfort zone,
there's nothing left to show but these broken bones and ripped out soul.
i guess it's hiatus for me,
people just aren't my thing.
__
april 19
"what's happening to my strong girl."
i've become a massive wreck, but i doubt anyone can see it. it seems everyone hates me, therefore i guess paul was right. apparently i'm a "cold hearted, selfish brat, waste of time and a human being, have an empty cavity where a heart never existed, i wallow in self-pity, making everyone's lives around me miserable daily, make everyone's life a living hell, hypocritical, anorexic, dumbfounded sack of shit," and then some. lately people have been using me, taking from me, ignoring or flat out bitter towards me.
i guess i deserve it, i've been trying to better myself and in doing so somewhere along the line royally fucked up and caused more damage. everything around me is just falling apart, even the chair i'm on. it seems a screw came out and now pretty much the most broken it can be while together.
i feel i've wasted everything i've ever done for anyone.
speaking of which, audrey went into the er last night. found out during church, the people she was with never bothered to notify me. she over dosed on caffeine or something. i had to tell my dad and brother after getting her to agree, my family knows what the hospital letter looks like. she's okay for now, i think. physically anyway. and wakelee got jumped. i hope he's okay.
this chair is pissing me off.
but um. yeah. i really don't know what to do. i find myself stuck in self-loathe mode, trying my best to hold in any complaints, side remarks, bitter statements, ranting, etc inside to prevent drama or miswording upon repeating. i don't want to be back in this state of mind, i was enjoying the happy life. i don't know what's holding me back. i can't find anyone to trust or confide in. i regret opening my mouth every time i speak, i hate the way i appear, find myself hating those around me, and wanting to hole away every day.
i hate that i only ramble to lj, anyone who reads this must think those ive listed above. i'm barely speaking with nate, brian, marzhan, ..anyone really. sometimes kid with the hair from west chester texts me, maybe kacey asking about pokemon, taylor to inform of about brian bitching or where to meet her/etc.
the only good art work i can do is fucking squids. i'm too fucking terrified to write or express any emotion through art. i think i'm crying again, but i can't tell. relapsing occurs quite often, no one notices. i work my ass off in school only to receive the grades: Ap gov- D, Art- A, English- B, Math- A, Gourmet- A, Spanish- B, Geosystems- B+. not even getting high makes me feel better, if anything worse.
i just want someone to pull me aside, shake me and scream at me, "you're not okay. i want to help you." without me having to trigger the depressing, selfish conversation or having to be completely silent in a group. i want someone to tell me they see the signs, they've noticed the tear stains on my cheeks in the morning, the late night posts, the retreating into my self, the overly obsessing on something small as a cover for all the larger issues, something, anything to prove to me i'm not a waste of time like everyone has told me. i can't even remember why i was so happy to spend my day with taylor, flirting, cuddling, laughing, playing around, sleeping and having time together. right now it all seems pointless.
i hope tomorrow i wake up and laugh at how stupid i am for being so ridiculously sad.
__
april 21
i'm shaking
i'm angry
i'm crying
i'm done.
i have five mintues to plan.
to walk out that door,
or stay and take it, breaking even more.
i didn't run away because i was high.
--
later
after last night,
i decided fuck everything.
audrey and i didn't go to school - i just knew something wasn't right. a girl i'm very, very angry towards is in my first block, and probably wore nate's sweatshirt that "she took" when i know he gave it to her to make me jealous [it's the fact he did it with malice, not the fact he lent the jacket], i knew if someone said something in the wrong way it would set me off, if i asked to be alone and wasn't permitted to be i would snap.
so we took a day off. we spent most of it at amanda's, paul had no idea we were down stairs. :)
besides taylor telling me it was bullshit to skip and getting mad at me,
it was a pretty boring but relaxing day.
i'm glad you're okay sister, i was so worried. i hate the word er ahahah.
just before school let out we hung out with wakelee, kat and jessica, which was nice.
then people from school came and it wasn't as nice,
then brain, marzhan and the bitch from my first period showed up- thankfully audrey and i had to get matt [which we never did] and i got my phone charger. taylor came before we left, and it was kinda awkward. i didn't know how i was suppose to act.
eventually,
the day somehow just got better.
i didn't care we were late coming home, i didn't care who was mad at me, i was beyond add and jessica and audrey loved my hyper, random, short attention span self.
i also got to have a phone conversation with someone, i think my heart skipped beats.
tomorrow we get out at 11.
i also found out about teacher affairs at madison, i got to see my old aa sponser who is also a good friend. she thinks i have a thyroid condition and in a couple weeks wants to take me to a doctor and get checked out, with her paying. i told her i couldn't do that, but she insisted. i dunno if it will happen, but i guess it's nice to have her still care. she kept me going in tenth grade, and somehow keeps me going today. though its rare i see her, i smile when i do. she talked about how her grandmother said she's a child from god [meaning her mom never fucked and she was like the virgin mary] and i began to think maybe she really is. but who knows.
even though i'm putting off homework,
things seem okay.
at least in my bubble, i know in reality things with taylor are uneasy right now, along with several friends. but what does it matter at this second? nothing!
me: ilyforever
12:12am
Taylor
ilyforever
__
To: [Ms. S.]
From: Amanda
Date: Tuesday, April 21, 2009 5:33 AM
I will most likely not be in class today, most likely an unexcused absence until I talk to my consular tomorrow. Last night some very bad family feud broke out, leaving me nor my roommate any sleep and very darkened hearts.
I hope I can further talk about what happened in the next few days, but please do not be surprised to see my absence.
Thank you.
-amanda
__
To: Amanda
From: [Ms. S.]
Date: Tuesday, April 21, 2009 9:23 AM
Thanks for letting me know, Amanda. Take heart -- your life will
begin again some day very soon.
I send compassion always --
<3
Ms. S.
__
To: [Ms. S.]
From: Amanda
Date: Wednesday, April 22, 2009 6:50 PM
I'm writing this just moments before my mother gets off the phone and we proceed to "discuss" yesterday. There's a lot going through my mind, and I just don't really understand how she feels the need to not only call but email the school, teachers and consular. I'm shaking as she walks down the hall, rambling on to my father on the phone about what a terrible daughter I am for lying about where I was and that I would ever consider even missing a day. I know it was stupid, but it's the first time I've ever skipped and one of the very rare moments in my life that I put my emotional state before school.
I know it sounds completely absurd, me being terrified about the expected fight over something as small as a day skipped of school, but what people don't know is, well my mother is crazy. And to her I committed murder. Another reason I'm so fearful is I know my anger levels have gone through the roof. Previously, I've been known to have an incredibly short temper, couple years ago it was typical for me to lash out physically. Junior year and most of this year I've been recovering and helping myself learn to channel and control it. I didn't worry about it until the first day back from spring break, that Monday, I guess I "relapsed" with my anger and since then it has flourished beyond any emotion I've ever had. I'm not sure if it is strange or not, a student emailing a teacher about such serious issues. I just know you're really the only adult in the entire building of Madison and currently in my life that has any vague idea where I'm coming from. I hope it doesn't put you in any awkward situations, and if I could I'd confide more in my consular, but you know how I feel with her.
Any other adult; family friends, my father, my older brothers, even my consular, try to tell me to just calm down, it's a phase of life, amongst other typical self-help lines. They disregard the fact that I'm not stupid, I know my family situation is not normal, it's not okay, and that my family would probably win Jerry Springer an award for best show of all time. My friends and peers don't grasp the fact I don't care about the repercussions of my careless actions, I care about the relationship, or lack of, my mother and I have that is beyond destroyed and that I fear when I'm finally out and away from her, I will never, ever, want anything to do with her. I don't want that guilt upon my shoulders, but each fight between family members progressively gets more violent, more serious, more damaging. The fights are rare and I guess that's why they're so bad.
I just don't think I can continue living this facade of trying to somehow save my family name and be the only Nau under this roof to get somewhere with my life, not be in debt, and be free from the dark secrets that weave their way through my bloodline.
I'm sorry this is so extensive and probably a lot more than you want to be involved with, but it's been a while since I've been able to say these things I've locked away in my heart for so long.
I am expectantly going to be in school tomorrow, but there is a slight chance I won't.
I thank you for taking the time to read this, I know you're really busy with the school year closing and the work load you have.
-Amanda.
this is for my hidden records and just so people, if interested, can read.
___
april twent-four
i haven't been home in three days,
my counselor didn't really help- she made it worse.
i went to school with a backpack of clothes + random crap. none of my teachers knew how to respond when i opened my backpack to prove i had no papers, folders, or pen/cils.
i'm in a very bad place. my teachers don't know what to do with me, i feel my friends are avoiding me [maybe i'm just avoiding them?], i can't bring myself to stay calm, my mother and i are going to have a discussion later about my grounding [18 years old and grounded?], i hate this place.
i wonder if i'm crazy
or maybe just stupid.
i just want her to see what she's doing to me.
i need to know if this is all in my head.
i want away from here, but not in a place almost exactly the same except i'll be on my own.
cheers.
__
april twenty-eight
i can't do this, i can't take being trapped inside a house. Being stuck inside all weekend on the best weather weekend was miserable enough [granted a few hours out was a god send,] and now i finally got the answer of when i possibly get off this stupid house grounding.
not this week or weekend,
not next week or weekend,
but maybe,
maybe two weeks from now.
i can't take the isolation, the miserable, worthless feeling is growing inside of me. it's been only a few days and i'm already driving myself up a wall. i cherish the few moments i see people come to my house, the frequent "walking the dog" just to see people is becoming too often and probably not going to last, and as much as i love audrey, seeing the same person day in and day out gets tiring.
why am i crying because of this.
i'm so pathetic.
if i take enough meds i might be motivated to do any school related work. maybe.
i don't even technically have to oblige to these rules, being 18 and obviously proven i don't want to stay here, but i just want things to be smoother, and not on ends every moment of the day.
i hate her.
__
may first
I'm not sure how much farther I can sink.
Everything would have been okay, mom let me out yesterday until about six:fifteen when I had to go to her work for the monthly dinner and a movie. Shit hit the fan when Amanda [paul's sister] went missing. Her mother messaged me on facebook and we conversed some about Paul's depression and what caused Amanda to leave. Paul called Audrey looking for her, and I made comments in the background about how if he cares so much he should treat her like a sister and you know, those fun mean side remarks. He got all pissy and threatened Audrey so I told him I dare him to show up at my house. We assumed he'd come alone, but he brought his mother.
To sum up the rest, my mother came home as I was trying to explain to Paul's mom why Amanda did what she did, that she's okay, and I couldn't find her exact location. One thing led to another, and my mother basically hates me for how I handled the situation. Both mothers made comments about Paul and I being on ends, I called Paul's depression and suicide out and made very bitter remarks towards him with him right there.
Things kept land sliding as both parents yell at me when I was trying to state the facts of the situation and my mother raised hell when I tried to explain I wasn't saying it was okay, I was just telling the mother where she has gone wrong in Amanda's eyes.
Finally, they left but my mother continued her typical speech about me. Saying things that have only made my self-esteem completely vanish, I feel no self-worth, and now she found a new excuse to extend my grounding. The attendance office at school fucked up and misread my spanish sub's list and said I was absent. My teacher emailed my mother explaining the referral and detention I would be obtaining, my mother proceeded to email me. : Dear Amanda,
Such the fool is your mother: I thought we were only dealing with a single day of missed classes- not two days.
No matter - I guess the need is to address within myself, two transgressions committed on your part and sadly not just a single transgression.
Within the discussion of the why your being grounded: you never shared that more was to come - that you had skipped classes not one day, but two --- such that your extended ineptness in having lied about it being two days, is now being brought forth. How sad, Amanda.
And on your part, knowing that the one skipped day was known of and the other was not ------ you did not admit to the second day because...........?
Kudos or Admonishment?
Don't waste our time/family time. As painfully as it is, within our walls is one - who not only lies, but lies beyond recognition and respect for family.
Indeed your, ability to be a liar far surpassed any that we ever expected or anticipated. And am I, your brothers or your father, to ever trust your word again? And will any of your teachers?
Suck it up, as to the truth, having come unto your - your family's Universe - and your school world's Universe.
Bottom line - you lied.
As to the future: I would hope that you never disappoint, mainly yourself in said situation and manner again.
And if you hold our values to heart - never, ever lie to another, much less yourself about ANYTHING again.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You have a brother and two parents working their arthritic bones (yes -J.D. already has arthritic bones) beyond - such that you attend a college ------------and you would blame us per your own indiscretion, per explanation of your actions??? Translated: The gall within you........indeed. You blame us - and not yourself?
Yes. Your father and I do acknowledge that we wrongfully imbibed of alcohol in a negative manner------but PLEASE do not make an idiot of yourself by even beginning to suggest to any teacher, "beloved" individual teacher, or your Guidance Counselor, or even your brothers, that this is a daily occurrence within your life.........or do you lie to yourself here and seek their hearts unfairly so?
Mine is not to worry. For indeed, it appears that they do now know of the wrong direction in which moved.......and there is no doubt in their minds, as to your honesty and sincerity of being a sincere soul, that you are not clearly hearing your own SPIRIT. What kind of Spirit would direct one to skip school and THEN try to not only lie to others, but themself ?
Indeed, if you feel you have surrounded yourself with women of true intellect, (the same that I as your mother have tried to give within raising you) .........maybe it is PAST time that these women take a moment to contact me, and see where the REAL truth lies - not just your version of your own truth.
I love you, Amanda. And indeed, I've allowed you to "play" them all, for evidently, you needed the support given by them, though they lacked the wisdom to question YOUR truth vs. a possible more honest truth..........at least they have held you when you needed holding........
Again. I love you, Amanda - but the days of someone holding your truth, a truth to which you hold and use to be true per manipulation , is becoming limited.
Your high-school years are reaching an end.......and no less than when you were in pre-school, kindergarten, elementary school and lastly high-school ------- well, my beloved Daughter --- very soon, there will be no one there to catch you - save for yourself.
In the meantime, you remain grounded, and given this new information --------I'm sorry, but the time to be grounded, so it appears, is now extended.
Love,
Mom
How honest you were and what a joy it was - to clearly state to all, that you had never been grounded - save even when Madison kicked you out - you were not grounded.
You risked and disappointed us all ------because?
Amanda - please try and that step forth ---- and mainly grow up - per not blaming anyone, save yourself about anything whereby you make personal decisions.
LIFE"S LESSON: Even if you make a wrong decision. - - - all will not just hold you in esteem, but support you - - - provided you do not allinate - - - in trying to blame another.
And [name removed] ----- just thank you for offering this opportunity to speak to my daughter. The scale of justice seems to now be balanced, per Amanda's Sophomore year and " interesting decisions" having been made by you during her Sophomore Year at Madison.
I had no idea that she skipped two days, not just one.
Thanks for bringing me to task.
debra
Today, I finally got my teacher to realize that it was an error, I was in class, and she emailed my mother stating the problem's been solved. She forwarded me what was said.
----- Original Message -----
From: spanish teacher
To: my mom
Sent: Friday, May 01, 2009 9:08 AM
Mr. and Mrs. mylastname,
I would just like to clear things up. Amanda was in class Thursday, April 23. It was a mistake on my part and Amanda brought that to my attention.
Thanks,
[teachersname]
Mother's reply:
Teachersname,
I sincerely appreciate your taking the time "to clear things up." Unfortunately, my relationship with Amanda might now be irreparably damaged as I accused her of betraying the trust of not just me, but also of her father and brothers. As a result of your error, I grounded Amanda for an extra two weeks (a lifetime of hell for a senior).
The one and only time Amanda has skipped school was due to her desire to help a fellow student/close friend in dire need. Indeed, she was not just out frolicking around Vienna.
Now, my daughter feels as if I have betrayed her trust--and I don't blame her for that as I took your word over hers!!
Maybe, in the future, you should double (triple?) check your records before contacting any parents about an possible student absence.
Again, thank you again for taking the time to clarify the situation. In essence, it changed things here in our household dramatically.
Just trying to be helpful to your future students and their parents,
Debra
..yeah.
Anyway.
So, that was the original reason my grounding was so long, but now it's because I'm apparently too stupid and selfish. Now I'm sitting at my computer at six pm on a friday night, drugged up to block out the overwhelming sadness, and hating the fact everyone else is having a blast.
I loved the hours I had out the other day, but they quickly were turned terrible when my knee began to give out and unbearable pain entered my brain. Then because everyone sucks, as Nate and I drove to Brian's, I find out Brian made a pit stop to get Taylor from work but because of the timing and the distance, I didn't see her or get to say bye to them and Mar. I had to go to the Kena Shriner and eat dinner with really old people who smelled like overdose perfume and pee.
I feel myself slowly reverting to my old, anti-social self. I barely enjoy the company I get in school because everyone's so caught up in the drama, they don't even notice anymore when I slip away from them. Only a couple teachers bother to ask why I look like shit. I was putting effort into appearance, but now I do the minimum.
I'm done typing. I thought starting to type out every thing on my mind would help,
but now I'm just at the point I don't care anymore.
I'm going to go sit and watch my fan blow the dust and cobwebs around, maybe find motivation to go downstairs and watch a movie.
_
may third
my relationship with taylor is slowly falling,
i can feel distance growing between us more and more each day.
it's all because i'm grounded, because i can't do anything.
she spends more and more time with brian,
she barely talks to me,
she never really puts much an effort to come see me [granted i don't do much either, but there isn't much i can do.]
i can't handle this.
i can deal with losing everyone else,
i can handle nate becoming more and more obsessive even with i don't reply,
i can handle the stress of school, with the lack of money, with the mental abuse of my mother,
but i can not handle losing her,
not now.
not while everything else around me slips through my fingers like sand.
please,
don't fade.
i need you,
just a little longer,
please...?
_
may fourth
on top of being sick,
and after taking the ap exams,
i get in the car with my mother. something didn't feel right.
i can no longer type very well
my hand is beyond fucked up.
i can't take the fighting with her,
how im always taking blame for everything,
how im always the one at fault.
im always the bad guy.
but i guess i really am.
edit:
jesus christ. this isn't normal. i ran from home, just to get away. things continued to get worse,
i come home and listened to jd's cooing voice on the phone to stay calm, just agree, and the next thing i know brandon and my mother are going at it.
he starts breaking everything, throwing things, etc. then i hear my mom crying, and come down to see brandon had broken the top to a priceless heirloom. just the top though, the other one was fine and the base [it's like a tea set?] and i tell mom it was only the cap, that the others are fine. as i'm going back upstairs, i hear a shattering noise. she broke the perfect one. screaming about how it doesn't matter anymore, it was the last thing between her and her cousin- mom had stolen it from her cousin the day they both got molested by the same person.
and now my brother and mother are still fighting,
i'm just sitting here, head hung with shame at the fact this is all my fault. well, the start was my fault. at this point it's now between brandon and my mother. she's gone off the deep end, just like me. brandon's just trying to help everyone, dad's rushed off to work, jd doesn't want to deal with it anymore.
max is laying at my feet, shaking.
mom just broke my dad's favorite real crystal container. "if my precious stuff can go, then grandma's memories can shatter as well."
i have a very heavy heart,
i'm in a very bad state of mind.
i just don't know what to do or where to go.
my mother wants to ship me to VCU asap after graduation, but thats how this whole fight started again. i want to remember how to smile, how to feel my artwork come alive under my finger tips, to be assured everything's okay, to remember how to feel something besides anger and depression.
tomorrow i'm showing my english teacher and my consular the letter mom wrote about if i plan to commit suicide, give her a ten minute warning so she can kill herself first. maybe someone will help me find rational reason for all this.
_
may tenth
Somehow I got really sick again.
Not sure what it is this time, not the flu I'm pretty sure though. I don't have the body aches and the worse part is the massive cough attacks and constant fever, freezing, over heating, too cold feeling. I've been eating a lot and cabin fever is really setting in as the days progress.
People have been allowed in and out of the house, mainly because mother doesn't know or they do something for her. I've been irritable, moody, fidgety, and known to pick fights randomly. I've been doing more than my usual chores, staying on top of cleaning, and on rare occasions actively playing with the dogs. Dad thinks it's ridiculous I've been grounded this long, getting sent home on Monday though has turned the situation around completely. Madison eagerly pushed me out of school on Monday after my exam [which I probably did poorly on] and after vomiting on Tuesday, Madison told me to stay away and not come back. If I was seen in school and not doing better, I was to be removed immediately. Audrey got sick Friday, and they too told her to leave asap.
Things are up and down constantly in the area of relationships with people. I don't really talk to many people anymore, nor find any motive to bother continuing to hold together friendships. Everything seems pointless. And the fact I just got scammed my Fire, Fire, your pants on fire paintbrush and 800,000 neopoints has made me feel like shit. Hopefully the person will offer my part of the collat back on their doll we traded. I'm so stupid sometimes lol.
I haven't done shit for school, nor feel any need to. I barely want to move yet yearn to go out in the world. Once I'm out and around, I grow tired and think nothing other than to go home. It's an annoying back and forth ordeal. My mother & I's relationship isn't really going anywhere, we still bicker and I try to be calm but always end up being mad in the end over the pettiest of shit. My dog and cat have conquered my bed, and I'm secretly stalling, hoping this person messages me back.
Everything is just so colorless, so boring, so stupid, yet so full of potential. I'm going to crawl in bed after scooting my cat aside and playing pokemon or read until the sleeping pills kick in and I crash.
Mother grant permission to go out tomorrow, the clever bitch. It's Mother's Day, most people aren't allowed out. And those who are either hate their mothers, mothers' are dead, or just don't care. So I'll feel weird anyway, I'll probably end up sleeping all day or attempting to care about school.
Maybe I should focus on art...
eh,
maybe later.
__
may twenty-first
i dont even know where to begin.
uh, i guess to start with taylor broke up with me during a huge fight, after back and forth games of who was in charge kinda i guess we agreed to stay together, i haven't really seen or talk to her much since. it's been a terrible guilt on my shoulders about everything, and i'm watching myself fall further and further down.
i've stopped waking up, mom has to kick me out of bed. i'm never on time to classes, i don't do any work, i sit and stare into space laughing when told and smiling to keep people away. i've avoided almost everyone, during school i'm constantly moving or hiding in a stairwell during lunch/sap just to be alone.
i don't come home on curfew, i havent gotten in trouble,
i was almost arrested today for bullshit too. i flicked a cigarette butt out the window and i guess the cop wanted to find a reason to pull rodger over, so that was the key. he pulled the hand cuffs out and asked why he shouldn't arrest me, fine me, and summon me to court. I told him legally he should and that there is no real reason why he shouldn't other than the fact I told him I couldn't handle what it would do to my family. he let me go after searching me and drilling questions.
i've kinda given up on everything but maybe two people, but one of them i feel obligated to take care of.
the other one i fear ive fallen completely head over heels for. i havent felt this way in a while. when we're together, i'm always smiling. im rarely thinking about sad things and if i do, they see right through me and help me through everything. we call each other out on it when one looks sad, which happens a lot and i feel weird being almost secret about everything because of all the drama. we both just want away, and when we're with each other nothing bad happens. we watch silly kid shows, we make fun of each other, we laugh and smile, we talk about life and the future, how we're scared of everything, you know, just those things that i havent been able to actually say to anyone in forever. ive shut myself off from the world, but some how this person just has to look me in the eyes and they can tell when i'm lying. its nice. i feel safe again, but only in those few moments when can be alone. im scared once i actually admit it out loud to someone besides on this journal or even suggest it, they'll leave just like everyone else has and ill realize how stupid i am for thinking anything could come from this.
the more i push away from people the more people bitch at me or find some reason to pull me out of hiding.
i don't really like it.
i found it enjoyable to sit in town by myself just sitting, looking at the sky.
i've found my creativity behind the stairs while listening to music, i can draw again! i can paint beautiful things! i dream of bizarre situations and remember every detail, i don't wake up in nightmare sweats or screaming. i dont feel as pressured, i have all a's except a c in government, and ive been able to find a reason to not get in trouble
i think i found out what its like to be treated right, and not be the one to force blame upon.
going with taylor to her granny's tomorrow.
im fucking terrified.
_
may twenty five
there's nothing you can do
that i have not done to myself.
taylor's grannys was okay. i saw cows, horses, drove a mini bike, drove the car, walked the beach, went fishing, drove a boat, drank a lot, smoked a lot, it was pretty fun.
i guess ive been smoking too much, but at least it kept me calm. coming home was a mistake,
it always is. we can never be happy near each other, all my mother and i do is fight. all i do is get angry, she just keeps drinking.
i just go get fucked up, she just gets angrier. the fights get worse, the urge to run get harder to fight. i know running won't do anything, it'll just fuck everything up. if i took the car i'd probably just follow david, i just want to get away from here,
i just want to find my place.
i hate taylor for not listening,
i told her not to come by.
mother and i had already made our agreement on what i was doing in the house so i could leave, but taylor came and mother had to be go and change it all to show she was in charge. i've fallen in to pieces, that's no surprise.
i hate this house
i hate this place.
i hate alcohol,
i hate that everyone calls me selfish, i hate that i cant even see if i really am or not.
i'm going to go lose myself.
__
may twenty-eight
just fuck shit.
ive landed exactly where i never wanted to be, deep in depression similar to the one i hit when david died. everything is just wrong. I have to go back to the doctors, they won't sign off my VCU papers until I get more tests run and honestly that scares me. I don't want to go around telling everyone I may have something seriously and physically wrong with me, but i'm fucking terrified maybe there is. My family's money situation is down the drain and my new bank account already says I'm in debt over 38,000$. School is a blur every day, the weird scheduling doesn't help and the constant people being mad at me is driving me insane.
I'm a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, I never call, I never text, I'm rarely around, people have to come and find me, I hate being near people, I hate being close to people, I hate being touched, I hate being kissed, there's only one person I let near me and I'm almost positive he's just another player. Even though he claims to see through my eyes and wants me to tear down my walls, I can't. I know nothing good will come from him and that in the end I'll just be another problem he has to deal with. I haven't spoken to Nate in days besides a few texts back and forth. Taylor is beyond pissed off with me and rarely talks to me [which is my own fault] and last I saw her was purely accidental, actually that was really awkward.
It started out Syd, Mar, Joe and Kacey, then me, Roger and Audrey showed up. Then Wakelee, Eddie, Amanda, and Taylor pull in. Then Annie and Paul. THEN Brian, Angie, Jessica, Matt, Ashliegh, and whoever the fuck else was there. It was beyond awkward because we ALL were talking shit about everyone who was there and I dunno. I couldn't handle it. I was shaking in my booth while listening to Taylor's voice, the emptiness it held and how i could feel her eyes drilling through my mask.
I want out of this slump, I want people to stop asking if I've lost weight or tell me I look thinner. I force myself to remember to eat, I try to stay on top of my chores, I hate coming home to find my mother's been drinking, my brother's crunk as shit, my dad just drinks himself stupid [even though it is cute to watch him and Brandon play darts in the garage, he hasn't smiled like that in years.] and I'm no better than any of them. I shunned myself this morning at all the different pills I took just to make it through the day, I won't list them and any friend in person, they aren't anything painkillers or Valiums. Just things to keep me awake, to numb my senses, to help my immune system, and other random medicine the doctors put me on. I want to change how I dress, I want to wear baggier jeans, sometimes tighter shirts [other days shirts that consume my entire body], I want to cut my hair or maybe even just dye it, I need to write and I can't find anything to draw. These emotions are bottling up faster than I can let them out and the only people I have left is myself.
I've learned to depend on myself, until yesterday anyway. I completely broke down and went silent.
Doesn't help Reese won't even humor me with a real response to if he's mad or not.
I lost my mood ring, lol. fuck christ.
at least i have english for three hours, maybe my teacher can help guide me. my shining star is no longer shining and i've never felt so distant from her in years. maybe i'm seeing life the wrong way, maybe i need something to help me trigger my "i want to live life to the fullest, live fast, die young" button.
oh wait.
death.
damnit.
__
may twenty nine
Bitch please.
haha, I dunno, weird mood. Taylor broke up with me last night. I got to hang out with Gareth, that kid is going to be famous. He needs a book to be written about his life.
anyway.
It hurts a lot, I brought it on, I dunno if we're getting back together or not- we're both going to the same club tonight, awkward. But only when I'm alone does it seem to affect me, other than that I'm like fuck that bitch, seriously.
i dont feel like writing right now ahahah,
so much to do
edit:
...damn man.
right after posting i get a text "im sorry things turned out this way i wish they didn't but i can change the past. I will always love you" i think she meant cant?
__
june first
i think i'm only writing a lot because i'm hoping one day my life will become a book. i've always dreamed of that, I don't know why. The more I read about these other author's, i want to help people open their eyes and see a new world.
this weekend has been weird. i never know how to feel. I think I'm falling for Rodger and it's so back and forth if he is for me. He says he has, but I dunno. I've been hanging out with Gareth a lot, he's telling me not to fall for Taylor's cards. She's constantly texting me, asking to see me, telling me she misses me but hates admitting it because she knows it makes me sad. I feel so weird with life right now, it feels everything is at its lowest and highest ever. The feeling of senior year ending and life beginning is beyond my brain capacity. I do miss her. I do love her, and I'm seeing she did love me but something isn't right.
Still haven't talked to Nate, he mentioned meeting me up so we could talk and he said he had shit for me. I hear he's been after the younger kids [15-16]. I dunno why it creeps me out. He's 19, I guess that's why? There's pie on my roof. What the hell hahaha, my brother's parties are intense.
I wish I had come seen it instead of clubbing, but clubbing was worth it. Kinda. Taylor and I were so uncomfortable. We wanted to be near each other but knew it was hurting the other one. I danced with Wakelee to protect his ass from the crazy gay dude. I kinda danced with Diana and Christen, and got completely destroyed in a mind fuck during a dance with Rodger. Then we went back to Christen's and that was fun I guess. I felt weird being on the opposite side of the room of Rodger. I just wanted to curl up next to him and feel the warmth of someone. I'm tired of feeling cold all the time. Hugging people feels so empty lately, it's always half hugs. Except with some people like Syd and Rodger, even Kacey. Taylor holds me the longest, Rodger tends to carry me in his hugs. Ahahaha. Damn, I dunno.
I had a point to all this writing, but i forgot. I just don't like where my life is going.
Dad isn't here yet, I "skipped" school to talk to him and get my fucking apartment in VCU. I have no housing right now. And mom is at work, she didn't talk to me last night because she was too drunk and mad at me.
__
june 12
i got a new 80gb ipod, i'm happy.
i've been smoking everyday. a lot of people are annoyed with me and disappointed, but i could careless anymore. which is a bullfaced lie because i do care. taylor and i are trying to talk again, she misses me and wrote me a note on facebook and texted me a lot. ive been feeling distant from everyone.
the player played me quite well, he barely acknowledges me and i know all the drama that started because of my running caused most of the disruption. he still looks at me with sad eyes and still sees right through me. it hurts but they don't call it a crush for no reason.
audrey had a one night stand with christen, which is awkward because she's madly in love with this girl but this girl likes me a lot. and she's always trying to hang out with me but i'm either too stoned or i feel guilty if audrey is around. i hate these feelings lately, syd and i tried to be close but i can't let anyone in.
today is my last unofficial day of school, one exam and convocation then i'm free. the seventeenth i graduate, and then it will all fall in to place.
i don't know how to feel, as usual.
i'm sitting here staring at the screen, ipod playing duffel bag boy, waiting for mom to hurry so i can drive her to work, and...
i don't know anymore.
life is taking its turn on me and i can't keep up.
__
june 13
yesterday was just terrible.
i got an award during convocation from my gourmet foods teacher and mr.marrell told me congratulations on doing something right for once. i said at least i made it, he said congrats on that too. the day just progressively sank down further as i met up with taylor for her sister's concert.
her dad confronted me during a song about why i'm not around and what happened, why we broke up. i started to cry after that so i walked around outside. taylor got mad, made some comments, got dropped off at my car and from there i fucked up.
i fucked up,
i know i did. i fell in a deep hole, i don't want anyone around, i dont want to talk to anyone, i dont want to find love or lust, i dont want to have sex i don't want to do drugs i just want to go away and never come back.
..okay that's a bit extreme, i just want to forget everything and some how avoid everyone.
_________
september 7th 2008
You're the element of surprise that none of us were prepared for.
The dead body behind the curtain that we couldn't help but stare towards.
This afternoon you were an only child and a friend to me,
This evening you're not breathing you're just a seed of a memory.
Turn the pages back to a faded photograph of
Memories of yesterdays.
But I didn't get to see through the eyes his poor mother did,
I just ask why she had to be the one to discover him
I had a friend who was way to young to die,
I guess death is just one of those things some people do to life.
One of the worst things is holding a secret from a good friend.
But it's even worse when the guilt consumes you, knowing there was nothing you could have done.
I'm not allowed to tell her
that he's dead.
I'm shaking, fighting with Nate when I made him leave didn't help.
He's been dead for a week. He was in the garage, next to the one we parked in on Friday to go to the apartment and take care of the cats. I never met him but when I saw her in the hospital, rage consumed me for seeing what he had caused her to do. The burns, the drugs, the bruises, the destruction inside and out. I said horrible, horrible things. In my head I had said, I wish he was dead.
Tomorrow is going to be hard. I doubt I'll be sober.
I might have to tell my AP Gov teacher I can't present the paper I worked so hard on today, because I can't let myself fall apart in front of a class of people I don't know.
I can't let anyone know
these thoughts inside my head.
___
dec 7 2008
december really is
and always has been
the worst month for me.
i can't keep doing this.
day after day, it's the same.
it's only the sixth, and it feels like the end of the world.
fuck i hate this.
something please,
something good please happen to me.
make this shit go away, and not break my heart. don't lie to me or tell me to grow up, stop being sad, and something please help me find a happiness with no hidden strings.
__