(no subject)
right now my parents are arguing downstairs, about pretty much everything.
i don't like this weird feeling that's sunk over me since the monday before court. then when court actually occurred, well...I feel really let down - embarrassed? unjustified? upset? - i'm not sure what words to describe my inner turmoil. Let's just say the judge felt all Malice deserved was a 1500$ fine, with 1000$ of it suspended for a year and if good behavior he won't have to pay it and the charge might be dropped. No anger classes or psych evaluation, but if he gets in trouble before the year is up, the 1000$ fine on top of whatever he's in trouble for. A few people continue to remark how excited they are it's over, it's done. He's even deleted his facebook as far as I can tell, and I don't know if that makes me more nervous or safer.
I'm terrified, but I've managed to repress most of the tell signs. He could come after me someday, or maybe it'll remain thoughts in his head. Maybe he'll forget my face, but not the act. Does he regret it for the meaning behind the action? or just the consequences? Or does he laugh about the whole thing?
Maybe I shouldn't dwell on it, but it's not like I can just let go of this. I've experienced certain emotions I should never have to have felt, but now a main lesson I've learned is to just fucking protect myself and as much as it really sucks, there are some things a person just has to do on their own. No amount of empty sobs and clutching fingers can influence a power of resolve. that's the problem, i found no resolve in this. I only found more life issues to drag me down and test my endurance. Mother's interrupting my chain of thought as she tries to elaborate on the details of the cancer medication and a lot of other things i seem to be avoiding.
avoidance is calling for me, but i'm struggling to confront my reality.
this experience of being so torn between emotions and surprising myself with the (positive and negative) outcomes is truly flabbergasting.
fuck gotta go.
mom's having another sit down talk about my life.