If being a teenage/single parent was really considered a career option...
I am being a very naughty troll, but the stupid overwhelmed me
Young women! Here is a JOB OPPORTUNITY for you!
Consider becoming a *Single Mother*.
Starting rate of approximately £140 per week covering a 24 hour working day, 7 days weekly (option of fortnightly leave for two days depending on father of child). Hourly equivalent: 84pence/hour. Part time unavailable until 3 years service completed. Note that pay is subject to completion of 3 seperate forms and 6-monthly interviews and is recoverable by employer if errors on their part or yours. Subsidised accomodation may be provided if required.
Your duties will include: on call rota consisting of only you, at all times; cleaning up excrement and vomit (daily basis); laundry; early education provision; dietary/nutritional design; on and off-site catering; heavy lifting essential to job; organising transport to outside obligations; providing medication as needed; secretarial/administrative duties; various other duties as required.
Answerable to: Health visitor, social services, your parents, the father of your child (note this is not a reciprocal arrangement), the secretary of state for work and pensions, jobcentre employees, that random old busybody at the bus stop, tabloid journalists.
Qualifications required: functional uterus and ovaries. On-job training period of nine months will be provided, consisting of major hormonal and physiological alterations to your body followed by involuntary stretching of genitals to accomodate passage of object approximately 45cm circumference (alternatively abdominal surgery available in some cases, carrying a higher risk of infection and long-term injury). 20% of applicants (allocated randomly) will also have their genital tissue cut (anaesthetic optional), with a high risk of long term side effects and unavoidable scarring. There is also a risk of other complications including future incontinence (40%) and rarely death. No compensation is available for any risks undertaken by the applicant in training for this post; applicants are advised that all training is carried out at their own risk.
Further information: On applying for this job you will also be entered into a lottery for FREE* permanent housing in your local area (subject to application form being completed) in a luxury development with views of local joyriding track and convivial drug addict neighbours! Don't miss this exciting opportunity! *According to the Daily Mail- but in fact you will have to pay, albeit a sub-market rent, on finding another job.
Post available for 5 years (under new conservative income support restrictions), fixed term.
Young women! Here is a JOB OPPORTUNITY for you!
Consider becoming a *Single Mother*.
Starting rate of approximately £140 per week covering a 24 hour working day, 7 days weekly (option of fortnightly leave for two days depending on father of child). Hourly equivalent: 84pence/hour. Part time unavailable until 3 years service completed. Note that pay is subject to completion of 3 seperate forms and 6-monthly interviews and is recoverable by employer if errors on their part or yours. Subsidised accomodation may be provided if required.
Your duties will include: on call rota consisting of only you, at all times; cleaning up excrement and vomit (daily basis); laundry; early education provision; dietary/nutritional design; on and off-site catering; heavy lifting essential to job; organising transport to outside obligations; providing medication as needed; secretarial/administrative duties; various other duties as required.
Answerable to: Health visitor, social services, your parents, the father of your child (note this is not a reciprocal arrangement), the secretary of state for work and pensions, jobcentre employees, that random old busybody at the bus stop, tabloid journalists.
Qualifications required: functional uterus and ovaries. On-job training period of nine months will be provided, consisting of major hormonal and physiological alterations to your body followed by involuntary stretching of genitals to accomodate passage of object approximately 45cm circumference (alternatively abdominal surgery available in some cases, carrying a higher risk of infection and long-term injury). 20% of applicants (allocated randomly) will also have their genital tissue cut (anaesthetic optional), with a high risk of long term side effects and unavoidable scarring. There is also a risk of other complications including future incontinence (40%) and rarely death. No compensation is available for any risks undertaken by the applicant in training for this post; applicants are advised that all training is carried out at their own risk.
Further information: On applying for this job you will also be entered into a lottery for FREE* permanent housing in your local area (subject to application form being completed) in a luxury development with views of local joyriding track and convivial drug addict neighbours! Don't miss this exciting opportunity! *According to the Daily Mail- but in fact you will have to pay, albeit a sub-market rent, on finding another job.
Post available for 5 years (under new conservative income support restrictions), fixed term.