Looking For Shooting Stars Chapter Five
Title: Looking For Shooting Stars
Author: Miss Meh
Universe/Series: Star Trek XI
Rating: R (for now)
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, Amanda/Sarek
Warnings: AU, language, angst, h/c, references to rape
Word Count: 4000
Status: WIP
Summary: Spock and his family have moved to Earth. He has accepted this. But when Jim Kirk moves in next door and Spock accidentally gets a glimpse of the younger boy’s pain, Spock refuses to accept the fact that he cannot help. It may be illogical, but he will unravel the mystery that is Jim Kirk.
A/N: Oh my god, I am so sorry for the wait. :/ I have been extremely busy, and I haven’t been able to write. Good news is, I got some inspiration last night, finished up the chapter, and got my beta to do a rush job. This chapter is a bit shorter than the previous ones, but it’s packed full of plot so I hope it suffices. Enjoy. J
Oh, and for anyone who reviewed in the last month or so, I’m sorry for not responding. When I get busy, I tend to neglect all aspects of fanfiction because they are way too addicting and distracting. Please forgive me for not letting myself be drawn back in by your awesome reviews. I hope you all know that they did at least make me smile when I finally let myself read them. XD
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to my beta, Delu. XD
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Over Time
…I wanna get closer and closer still
I wanna take over your heart
You will be mine, mine
Over time, time
You’re gonna find, find
I’ll make you mine, mine…
His mother wasn’t talking.
That in itself wasn’t an oddity, but the fact that she wasn’t making any noise at all was. Amanda was not the most talkative human Spock had ever met, but she was not quiet either, and she most definitely did not like silence. One of the most defining differences between Spock’s upbringing and that of the other Vulcans was that his mother was constantly humming or listening to music in order to fill the silence that seemed to be inherent in Vulcan households.
Though his father had needed to grow used to the change, Spock himself had never known anything different. In fact, he had only seen his mother in such a state on very few occasions prior, and all of these followed occurrences in which either Spock had been hurt or Sarek had been, in Amanda’s own words, a “stubborn, arrogant, dim-witted Vulcan”.
Spock knew that her current reticence had something to do with Jim. He had only asked her about Tarsus IV 4.8703 hours ago, and it was obvious that she had yet to finish thinking about it. Not that Spock had expected her to. After all, he too was unable to put it out of his mind.
Perhaps, as they were most likely ruminating on similar subjects, Spock should take the opportunity to speak with her about what he should do to advance his relationship with Jim. Since he had only recently decided that he wished to do so, he had not yet informed her, nor had he asked for her advice on the matter. This was something he clearly needed to rectify, considering his lack of knowledge on the subject of human relationships and courting rituals.
Spock exited his room and went down to the kitchen where he knew his mother was in what he had heard her refer to as a “baking frenzy”. She had always done something similar when there were issues she needed to think about.
He had asked her about it once. Spock had been in his fourth year, and he had not understood what she was doing. Amanda had given him a fond smile and told him that when she needed to think, it was easiest for her to do so when her hands were occupied with something she didn’t have to think about. It had been a difficult concept for him to grasp as a child because he had not yet realized just how different Vulcans and humans were. Spock had not understood that while he could simultaneously conduct an experiment, perform complex mathematical computations, and ponder the teachings of Surak, humans were unable to carry out multiple thought processes at the same time.
Sometimes, Spock could understand why some Vulcans considered humans to be a lesser species. They were just so limited by their biology.
But then he would think of Amanda, and he knew that he could never not be grateful that she was his mother, perhaps especially because she was human. She was so warm, so loving, and Spock knew that none of his Vulcan peers had had mothers half as wonderful as his own.
“Mother,” Spock said softly after making sure that she was not utilizing any of the kitchen equipment that could potentially maim and/or burn her. He had learned on previous occasions that it was best not to startle Amanda while she was working in the kitchen. She still had the small burn scar on her right hand from the last time it had happened, and he still felt guilty whenever he caught a glimpse of the evidence of his mistake.
Amanda turned towards him, a freshly prepared sheet of unbaked cookies in her hands. She gave Spock a small smile when she saw that it was him, but it did not develop into her usual radiant grin, and Spock knew that she must be more upset about Jim’s situation than he had first suspected.
She raised one eyebrow in question. “Spock.”
Spock was well aware that his biology was predominantly Vulcan, but he had inherited a great many human traits from his mother. Some of these traits were physical--his eyes, for example, were almost identical to Amanda’s-and some were gestures picked up during the course of his development. One such gesture involved the precise manipulation of the epicranial muscles known as the occipitalis and frontalis.
Now that they were living on Earth, the reminder of his humanity presented by his mother was welcomed rather than shunned. Spock was now happy to know just how much he had taken after his mother. It would allow him to be a better companion for his t’hy’la.
“Mother, I know that you are still in a state of shock as a result of what I revealed this morning, but I must request your assistance with another matter related to Jim.”
Amanda held up one hand. “Let me get these in the oven, and then we can sit down and talk about it.”
Spock nodded in acquiescence, and his mother did as she had said she would, putting the cookie sheet in the oven and setting the timer before joining him at the table. “Okay, Spock, what did you want to talk about?”
Spock nodded once more in affirmation, before saying, “Jim and I are t’hy’la. I suspect that Father has already told you this.” Amanda smiled, and Spock took that as a confirmation of his supposition. “I have decided to do what I can to create a relationship between us, but I am at a loss as to how to proceed. As my mother and the only human with whom I am familiar enough to request such a thing, I would ask for your advice on the matter.”
Amanda took a moment to think before answering. “You are going to have to go slow, Spock,” she finally said. “I hesitate to say that Jim is… damaged, but he has been hurt, probably even more than we realize. He has most likely experienced things that neither one of us can imagine. He isn’t going to trust you easily. If you try to move too quickly, you could end up alienating him permanently.”
Spock considered this for a moment before nodding. “I will begin by attempting to cultivate a friendship with Jim. I do not consider myself to be well-versed in matters of human sociological norms, so I do not know the best way by which I can most successfully do so. Do you have any recommendations, Mother?”
“Well, you definitely won’t have to worry about finding time to spend with him,” Amanda replied with a small grin. “If you put as much effort into becoming his friend as you do into stalking him, you guys will be thicker than thieves in no time.” Her grin softened into a fond smile. “Just be patient, Spock. Try to talk with him as you would with me. You are the most honorable and trustworthy being I know, and hopefully, it won’t take Jim long to see you as I do.” Mischief crept into her expression, so Spock was half expecting it when she said, “I am relieved to hear that your heart does have some influence over you after all, my son.” She put a hand over her own heart. “After all these years, I was beginning to grow worried.”
Spock tilted his head, effecting the “confused alien” look he had perfected when he was a child. “My heart has great effect on me, Mother, as without it, I would be unable to function. It does not, however, have any effect on my decisions regarding Jim Kirk.” He sniffed derisively. “Unlike some I may mention, I am a logical being, and as such, all quandaries brought to my attention are solved through logical means.”
Amanda laughed. “You keep telling yourself that.”
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Jim closed his eyes as Frank’s fist collided with his face again. He tasted blood, pressing the tip of his tongue to the corner of his mouth and suppressing a wince at the sting. Fuck, he could already feel the bruises forming.
He needed to get out of there. He knew from experience that Frank was just getting started, and Jim didn’t want to end up being unable to go to school tomorrow. He slumped to the ground, both in an attempt to get out of punching range and in the hopes of lulling his step-father into a false sense of security so that he could make a run for it.
Frank didn’t fall for it. “You’re a worthless piece of shit, Jim,” the man snarled and, enraged by Jim’s lack of cooperation, kicked the boy in the stomach. “Can’t even stand up and face me like a man. Stupid, whiny, little bitch.” Jim heard the rustling of clothing and opened his eyes in panic as he realized what it meant. “Bitches need to be put in their place.” Frank’s pants fell to his knees.
Jim scrambled back in terror. He had been here before, even if he had been drugged out of his mind at the time, and the thought of going through it again…
He couldn’t go through it again. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t survive this time. Hell, he had barely survived it last time. If Frank didn’t kill him during the act itself, Jim was sure that being forced to live in the same house as his rapist would finish the job.
He shook his head as Frank came closer. This couldn’t be happening. His greatest fear was staring him in the face, and there was not a god damned thing he could do to stop it.
“Jim!”
Jim sat up in bed, his breathing ragged, simultaneously wondering at and grateful for whatever the fuck had pulled him from his nightmare. He knew it sounded crazy, but Jim would have sworn that the voice he had heard had belonged to Spock. He ran a hand over his sweat-soaked hair and looked over to where he could see Spock’s room through his window. The Vulcan appeared to be sleeping, and though Jim glared at him suspiciously for a moment, daring him to move, Spock continued to lie there obliviously.
Well, that confirmed it. Jim was officially insane.
He sighed and moved to sit against the wall next to the bed. It was too early to start getting ready for school, but like hell was he going back to sleep. He was sure that the only thing waiting for him there was more nightmares.
Jim put his head into his hands as the images from his dreams played before his eyes once more. This wasn’t the first time his dreams had blended what had happened on Tarsus into his current reality, but every time it had happened previously, he had dreamed of going hungry because Frank denied him food or of being beaten by Kodos instead of Frank. It had never been like this.
Frank had never touched him-at least not that way-but the man’s words from the night before had obviously fucked with his mind. “Bitches need to be put in their place,” Frank had said before laying into him with a barrage of punches and kicks that he knew had already turned into a mess of bruises across his body. He had finally gotten free a short time later, but the words had echoed in his head and stuck there as he fell asleep. They were much too similar to the words another man had said as he was…
Jim let out a groan and let his head fall back against the wall with a dull thud. He was not thinking about this. It was in the past, and he was so fucking tired of letting all of that shit haunt him. Better to focus on other things, like what the fuck he was going to say to Spock when he talked to him tomorrow.
Spock was a puzzle that Jim just couldn’t solve. No matter how he looked at it, he never felt like he had all of the pieces. What the fuck did the Vulcan want from him? At first, he had thought Spock was pissed at him for some reason, but the other teenager hadn’t tried to hurt him yet. In fact, he had pretty much saved Jim’s life. How was Jim supposed to react when he had no idea why Spock had saved him? He was still trying to work it all out, but he just couldn’t find any plausible reason for why Spock would give a damn.
Jim closed his eyes and sighed. This line of thinking was just going around in circles and giving him a headache.
And god damn it, he was tired. Perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to sleep for a little while longer. He only had about thirty minutes before he needed to start getting ready for school; there was no way he could get too far into a bad dream in that amount of time, or at least he hoped there wasn’t.
Fuck it, Jim thought and let himself drift into sleep.
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Jim decided to wait until after school to confront Spock. Aside from their shared lunch, Jim didn’t really see much of the Vulcan during the day, and like hell was he going to let the entire student body see him get his ass kicked.
So he waited, planning out what he was going to say in his head while he ignored his teachers during class, avoided other students in the hallways, and sat at his lunch table not touching his food.
Jim needed to be careful about what he said in his quest to get answers. Both his face and his body were already a patchwork of bruises from last night’s beating; even if he didn’t take into account Spock’s alien strength, Jim knew that he was in no shape for a fight. As much as didn’t want to admit it, he was sure that, should it come to that, the Vulcan would have him unconscious on the ground before he could even raise a hand to defend himself.
Luckily for Jim, Spock didn’t seem to be the type to be easily provoked into physical violence. Even so, he figured it was probably best if he erred on the side of caution.
Jim would get his answers; he’d just have to be smart about it.
When class finally let out for the day, Jim put his books into his locker and headed out of the school like he did every day. He was fairly certain that Spock would be following him again today. After all, the Vulcan had broken his own self-imposed absence by trying to talk to Jim through their windows the other night, so it wasn’t that far of a stretch for Jim to assume that Spock would pick up where he left off with his stalking shtick.
Sure enough, less than one minute after leaving the school building, Jim spotted Spock behind him. He shook his head. If Spock was attempting to be sneaky, he was doing a very poor job.
Jim had stopped walking for a moment, trying to figure out where the fuck he should go for his unscheduled meeting with Spock, when he turned his head to find the Vulcan staring at him, his head tilted slightly to one side and his arms held behind his back. Jim did a double take. He couldn’t believe he had allowed Spock to creep up on him not even five minutes after mentally criticizing the Vulcan on his ability to be sneaky. Obviously, Jim needed to be more vigilant.
“Jim,” Spock said calmly. “There is a matter of great importance that I was hoping to discuss with you.”
Jim stared at him suspiciously. He just couldn’t figure this guy out. “What the fuck?” he spat. “First you stalk me; then, you avoid me like I have the fucking plague or something; and now, you want to talk? What is your deal, man?”
“I…” Spock started.
Jim interrupted him. “Why are you doing this? Why were you even following me in the first place?” He paused and thought for a moment. “And why is your mom always giving me food? It’s weird.”
Spock stared at him blankly for several seconds before answering. “I cannot speak as to my mother’s motives, for she has not spoken of them with me; however, if I were required to form a hypothesis, I would say that she is attempting to show you kindness by ‘fattening you up’.” Jim swallowed down the lump that was trying to form in his throat at the thought of someone actually wanting to show him kindness. “As for my own motivation, well, it is rather complicated, and it was necessary for me to undergo extensive amounts of meditation before I understood that my interest in you was not a result of scientific curiosity, but rather because I wished to befriend you.” Spock looked at him, chagrined. “Vulcans were not…” He paused to search for the appropriate word before continuing, “…accepting of my hybrid status. As such, friendship is not something with which I am familiar. I hope I have not alienated you completely through my actions.”
Jim just stared at him. The Vulcan wanted to be friends? How was Jim supposed to respond to that?
Had he signed up for a shiny new Vulcan BFF? No. Did he want one? Not really. Did he think he had a choice in the matter? Based on Spock’s history of stalking-which, regardless of any benefit Jim may have received from it, had been done completely against his will-Jim thought not.
Jim had to admit that he was feeling a bit relieved though. All day, he had been building himself up for a fight that hadn’t come. As the tension went out of his shoulders, Jim realized just how much it had exhausted him to carry that load on top of his usual wariness. Jim didn’t have the energy to fight Spock on something that wasn’t going to endanger his life.
Fuck it, Jim thought. He jerked his head at Spock in a nonverbal indication that he was going to keep walking, and Spock could follow if he wanted to. Chances were the Vulcan was going to follow him whether he wanted him to or not, so Jim had decided not to care if it was at a distance or at his side.
He couldn’t help but notice that walking home with Spock was much nicer than walking home with... Jim couldn’t even remember her name (and how fucked up was that?). She had chattered at him nonstop and wanted to know everything about him from his favorite color to what he did for fun. Spock at least knew when to shut up.
“Jim, I am curious about your pastimes. How do you entertain yourself when you are not otherwise occupied with school?”
Oh, fuck my life.
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Spock was taken aback when Jim stopped walking and spun around to face him.
“Look,” Jim said, moving closer to Spock and glaring up at him. “You can walk home with me if you want, but I do not want to be your friend. Friendships don’t form because you want them to. They’re a shitty side effect that comes about when you need something, and right now, I don’t need anything from you.” Jim turned and started walking quickly away from Spock. “We are not friends, and we aren’t going to be,” he threw over his shoulder as he stormed up the sidewalk toward his house.
Spock processed this quickly. Though he was hurt by his t’hy’la’s callous words, Spock knew that he would need to deal with the emotional fallout later. He needed to think about the situation in a rational manner. Jim was merely throwing these words at him as a shield to protect himself. He was like a wounded sehlat, so blinded by its own pain that it could not do anything but lash out regardless of the pain it would cause to others.
Spock hurried after Jim in an attempt to catch him before he could disappear into his house, somehow knowing that if he let the human go like this, he would not get another chance to befriend him. As his legs were significantly longer than Jim’s, it was a simple task for Spock to draw parallel with his t’hy’la and begin speaking with him once more.
“It is understandable for you to not wish for my friendship at this time, Jim,” Spock said, making sure to keep his voice neutral so as to not scare the boy again. “However, I feel that it is necessary to inform you that should you wish to change your mind at any time, the offer of my friendship will still be open. My only request is that you allow me to accompany you to and from school. I find the walks to be much more pleasant when you are present.”
Jim looked at him uncertainly, and Spock wished that he could remove all of the wariness from his t’hy’la’s expression. It caused an uncomfortable sensation to spread through body whenever he saw that look on Jim’s face.
“Whatever,” Jim finally conceded. “You’d probably just follow me anyway. Might as well walk together.”
“Thank you, Jim,” Spock replied gratefully. “I will attempt to be less of a… I believe my mother’s terminology was ‘creeper’… in the future.”
The silence that followed seemed somewhat heavy to Spock. He and Jim stared at each other for several long moments, before the human scowled, stomped up to his house, and slammed the door behind him.
Spock simply stood there looking at said door for a while, before slowly making his way toward his own house. His first real conversation with Jim had not been at all what he had imagined it would be. Even so, Spock had to think that, all things considered, it could have gone worse.
At least Jim had agreed to allow Spock to be in his presence for the duration of the daily walks to and from school, something the Vulcan was extremely appreciative of. Though his ability to sneak had improved greatly during the course of his one-sided relationship with Jim, Spock would not say that he was good at it by any means, and it was a relief to be able to retire that specific skill set.
There was one thing that was bothering him about his conversation with Jim. His t’hy’la’s insistence that they would never be friends was both worrying and-though he did not wish to admit it-hurtful to Spock. Obviously, Spock would need to move even slower than he had previously estimated in order to gain Jim’s trust.
Spock took a deep, calming breath. Keeping his emotional stability was a must, especially considering Jim’s inner turmoil. Spock did not know how much his own emotions could have an effect on Jim, but, as his mother was fond of saying, it was better to be safe than sorry. He needed to increase the amount of time he spent meditating, and then he needed to talk to his mother. As confused as he currently was, Spock knew that she would somehow know what to do.
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A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I would like to say that I won’t leave you guys hanging for months on end, but I really can’t guarantee anything. For me, summer just isn’t a good time for writing, and I hope that that was all this was. Unfortunately, life has a way of rearing up and leaving no time for fanfic (I miss it sooooo much when I don’t have time for it *whimper*). All I can say is that this fic has not and will not be abandoned. Though I may not post for a while, I want to see this story completed as much as (and probably more than) you guys do. It just might take me a while, so I apologize in advance. J
Chapter Four: Looking | Masterpost | Chapter Six: Every Morning