Like Gravity's Pull [1/2]
Title: Like Gravity's Pull [1/2]
Author: miss2l
Pairing(s): KyuSung
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: Well, if this really happens...lol
Summary: Kyuhyun doesn't know and Yesung pretends.
Song Prompt: Gravity - Sara Bareilles
Written for kyusungcentral
>>Part 2>>
♥규 성♥Kyuhyun swears it’s not addiction. Neither is it an obsession. It is a simple adoration.
A kind of simple love for the warmth it gives him, giving him pseudo-companionship in the darkest hours of the night. His belly feels warm, his heart is content and his fingers tingle. He finds comfort in the blackness, in the dimness of one simple light and he basks in its glory. He feels like he’s on the top of the world and that’s never a bad thing. He feels like he has everyone dancing in his palm, that he could do anything and no one would judge him for it. Everything’s all right, he doesn’t have to remember and it’s all a glorious cloud and haziness. It’s the kind of indescribable feeling that he craves the whole day and when he finally gets it - he relishes in it.
He knows how to cherish this warmth, this contentment, this control.
He takes another sip, another mind blowing sip and sinks more and more into his seat. He closes his eyes for a moment, the warmth only increasing, the love he has for this wonderful feeling only growing. It’s just like yesterday. Just like the day before that and the day before that. He really can’t make it too long without some sort of fix and if not every day then every other day. It doesn’t have to be a gallon like he plans to do today, but at least a glass or at the very, very least a sip. It’s unhealthy and he knows he’s killing himself but the feeling is too lovely, too amazing, too freaking warm.
People have told him since young how bad such a habit would be for him, that if he should quit before it gets too late. But why would anyone want to quit this paradise? This wonderful place where his head could be in cloud nine for a while and forget everything that was wrong with the world. The sharp words, the painful torments leave his mind for a little while and he can just live in a utopia he built in his head. Dreams come true in this place, everyone is satisfied, Kyuhyun is satisfied, pain doesn’t exist and when his head lolls to the side, it’s like everything can be fine for just a little while.
There’s nothing else like it. There’s nothing that can give him this brilliant feeling. He wants to feel it forever but he knows in the morning it will be gone and he’ll crave for this moment the whole day. He’ll smile at his fans and dance the steps methodically like a machine. But then when the day is over, after all the jokes have been made and all the notes sung, he’ll sit upon the couch, pop open some wine, or scotch he doesn’t really mind, and fall into this fantasy.
Kyuhyun swears it’s not addiction, its love.
♥규 성♥Yesung watches Kyuhyun practically throw his life away. He’s watched constantly, watched for days that turned into months that turned into years. He’d stand in the shadows of the corridor and watch with tears in his eyes as he sees every drop of poison slip into Kyuhyun’s mouth. He watched Kyuhyun have that dazed look in his eyes, that goofy euphoric smile and his heart hurts. His chest tightens as he sees the sparkle in Kyuhyun fade and fade until there’s nothing left. After every night, after every binge and after every drink, Kyuhyun’s spirit will dim the next day. Yesung can’t remember the details of how Kyuhyun first looked when he met him, but he remembered some - hopeful and young, innocent and talented, beautiful and wonderful. He was perfection in a body.
He doesn’t know why he has to watch.
There’s just something… Something dragging him down, down, down until he is brought back to Kyuhyun, watching silently like he’s caught some spell. It hurts him and Yesung begins to think himself a masochist for not being able to tear his eyes away. The paleness of Kyuhyun’s face is stark and his eyes empty and the longer he looks, the more it burns. Yesung stands there, eyes glistening with tears, lip swollen from biting and jagged fingernails digging into his palm. He quietly cries, Kyuhyun too far gone to hear him even if he bawled, and wishes it all to be alright. He wants Kyuhyun to be okay, he wants the maknae to smile the way he used to and not to drink away his problems.
Usually, he wouldn’t take a step forward. He wouldn’t make a single move.
It’s only when Kyuhyun moved off the couch, leaving the wine glass in the sink, that Yesung breaks out of the hypnotism placed on him and he’ll quickly scramble to his bed. He’d hide under the covers, trembling and shivering as if his blanket wasn’t made of the warmest goose down. He’d cry and sob some more as he hears Kyuhyun’s clumsy, thundering footsteps. Sometimes, he’d hear a fall and a thud and he’d whimper into his pillow because his chest hurts too much to help and move.
Today… is different though.
He doesn’t wait until Kyuhyun blubbers some nonsense and wobble off the couch. He doesn’t wait for Kyuhyun to move towards the sink, utterly wasted and close to poisoned. He doesn’t wait until his heart clenches painfully and it feels like he’s being stabbed in the chest. He doesn’t wait until it’s too late. Something compels him forward, moves his legs for him and that something has him standing in front of Kyuhyun, the man not too far into his stupor. That something constricts around his body, making it hard to breathe, and it’s like he’s run a marathon and that something makes him wrench the glass out of Kyuhyun’s hand.
Yesung likes to pretend he doesn’t know that that something is love.
♥규 성♥Kyuhyun doesn’t know what Yesung is thinking, when the smaller man practically rips the glass from his grasp, his glass shattering loudly in the distance. For a second, Kyuhyun thought it was some hallucination. It would not be the first time he had seen a mirage of Yesung appear before him, glowing and smiling like an angel. But this Yesung was even more beautiful than his mind’s illusion, so much more tangible, sporting a frown and tears, so unlike the happy, gorgeous Yesung of his dreams. He’s clearly not drunk enough to be imagining a physical Yesung in front of him and it takes him a few moments too long to realise that this Yesung is real.
Yesung, the real Yesung, slapped him in face and started crying, sobbing and bawling with a river of tears. This was definitely not a fantasy.
Whenever he reached out to touch, to hug, to kiss the illusory one, he slipped right past his fingers. The replica Yesung would smile at him prettily and laugh a pretty smile. This Yesung was sad, anguished and could come in contact with him, caused him pain in a world that was supposed to be unproblematic. He almost hated this Yesung for breaking him from his trance but he also hated the phony Yesung even more, for teasing him with fleeting steps, for not being real, for not being this Yesung.
“Hyung… Hyung what are you doing?” He slurs, he’s not too far gone, he can still make out shapes, still string together sentences and he can see Yesung collapsing by his lap, crying unglamorously. Raw emotion tore out of Yesung’s throat, the older man on his kneeling pitifully, sobbing into Kyuhyun’s knees. Kyuhyun sits up straight as a rod staring down in shock at the man, baby fingers clutching his pant leg and his heart breaks as each second ticks by.
“Stop Kyuhyun-ah… please… please just stop…” Kyuhyun hears, barely able to make out the watery words, then sentence heavily punctuated by hiccups and sniffles. He stares down at the man who smiles at him during the day, holds his hand on occasions and pats him on the head, all the while with that affectionate gaze in his eyes. His insides can’t take it, he feels sick, someone as cheerful, as carefree, as blissfully wonderful as Yesung, crying his heart out and Kyuhyun doesn’t even know why.
He caresses Yesung’s head, fingers running through the platinum blond tresses and he feels like crying too. This, this is why he drinks. He doesn’t want pain, he wants warmth and comfort. He doesn’t want to lose out to his emotions; he wants to have everything under his control. And this devastated, confusing Yesung was everything he didn’t want - sad, cold, lost. He escaped because of the harshness of reality, whatever had gotten to Yesung, was sharper than anything he had experienced, cutting him to pieces from the inside out.
Kyuhyun doesn’t know what Yesung’s feeling but it’s killing him inside.
♥규 성♥
Yesung uses every ounce of his energy to get there. To reach Kyuhyun, to fling the glass across the room and to smack Kyuhyun across the face. The skin burns in his hand and his fingers burn even more, he can’t even fathom how he hurt someone so clearly broken. His emotions are ringing in his ears, blood rushing to his face and tears already cascading down his face. Any adrenalin that his heart pumped into him quickly ran out and his legs buckled out from under him and he’s falling before he knows it. His heart is left unprotected from the attacking thoughts, from everything that hurts, and his memories taunt him painfully as he wails in the ugliest way possible, his heart letting it all out in one animalistic noise.
He clings to Kyuhyun, like a lifeline because he just can’t handle it anymore. He can’t handle just watching idly and crying by himself. He can’t stand not doing anything as Kyuhyun brings his death day closer and closer. He’s sick and tired of wasting time, of wasting years upon years by just standing stock still and letting Kyuhyun kill himself. His heart crumbles, breaks down when he realises, that he moved, that he got somewhere and now he doesn’t know what to do.
His throat is sore, his chest even more so. He can barely understand what he’s saying, how Kyuhyun can comprehend his words is beyond him. He feels Kyuhyun’s fingers, soft and gentle yet lazy and unsure, drag along his scalp, hurting him more than comforting him. He’s supposed to be the Hyung, the one that takes care of his dongsaengs in their times of weakness, instead he’s here, dwindling in resolution, pleading for Kyuhyun to do something… when he himself can’t do anything. It hurts, right down to his very soul and the pain makes him go forward once more, to lift his head, vision swimming with unsightly tears, looking Kyuhyun dead in the eye.
Warm brown meets dark, dark seductive hazel and Yesung tries not to falter. Kyuhyun’s deep endless eyes, seas of black brown, sucking his breath away, making him forget what he’s trying to do. When he’s looking them straight ahead, Yesung remembers, he remembers much too clearly, what Kyuhyun’s eyes used to look like - what they looked like when he first met the awkward teenage boy. They used to be so bright and vivid, twinkling with mischief and open with nothing but life. Now, they’re pits, pits of dull haze, opaque darkness that look so wrecked and Yesung feels like crying all over again.
“Stop drinking… Stop please… I can’t… I can’t take it anymore! Please just stop!” Yesung pleads, forceful yet fragmented at the same time; he’s too overruled by all the pain that he can’t think straight. He reached up, with tiny fingers, cupping Kyuhyun’s face and staring at him with begging eyes, lips trembling like a child. He feels his arms shaking, his knees clattering and his toes clenching but he knows he has to do this, he has to at least try instead of being that coward he’s been all these years.
“I’ll do anything, Kyuhyun-ah. Just stop doing this…”
“H-Hyung I don’t know what you’re talking about… What I drink is my problem, please don’t cry about me like this.” Kyuhyun holds Yesung’s face too, cradling the older man’s jaw, caressing the tear stricken cheeks with a care Yesung didn’t know he possessed. Yesung sees tears in Kyuhyun’s eyes too, glazed over the more he looks upon Yesung’s pathetic form and he feels like apologising. Those eyes looked so damaged, like someone had ripped something important out of Kyuhyun’s chest and Yesung’s heart lurches at the sight.
Yesung doesn’t really know what he’s doing, his body is compelled. He’s pushed by some unknown force, hands holding onto Kyuhyun’s face desperately. Their lips meet in a messy, clumsy, teeth clattering kiss and Yesung keeps them like that for a few heart stopping seconds, eyes squeezed tight. When he pulls away he’s half regretful, half on automatic and presses for another. Kyuhyun’s hands are shocked, suspended in air, eyes impossibly wide and when they pull apart for a second time, the words leave Yesung almost effortlessly. He doesn’t even know where they come from.
“I’ll do anything, Kyuhyun-ah… Please do this for Hyung…” He looks imploringly into Kyuhyun’s eyes hoping he could drag out some semblance of the maknae he used to know out. He sees those eyes dim a little, waver a little and he wonders who’s winning in this battle - the alcohol or Kyuhyun. When Kyuhyun’s eyes steady, Yesung hopes Kyuhyun has won. He knows how strong a hold alcohol has on Kyuhyun, how much he relies on it and how much he just gravitates towards it. Yesung wonders if a few little pecks could pull Kyuhyun out from alcohol’s grasp, it probably wouldn’t. But Kyuhyun remains silent and Yesung panics.
Yesung pushes forward again, wrenching energy from some unknown source in his soul, and kisses Kyuhyun once more.
♥규 성♥
Kyuhyun is captivated, simply captivated.
Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was head playing a cruel joke, but everything seemed to go in slow motion. Yesung lifts his head and Kyuhyun can’t help but notice how beautiful his eyes are. He’s stuck staring, probably like a goldfish, and he sees just how much Yesung is struggling through this. His emotions flood on the very surface on his eyes, almost finding their way into Kyuhyun’s soul, somehow.
When Yesung reaches up, fingers touching his cheeks tenderly, warmth blossoms in Kyuhyun’s face like none before. His face heats up unnaturally and Kyuhyun doesn’t understand where this blush is coming from, where this inexplicable warmth originated. Experimentally, not even really hearing Yesung’s voice, he touches Yesung’s face too, mumbling some words he’d practiced in his head countless times before, should any members walk in on him in his sorry delirious state. The warmth spreads across Kyuhyun’s fingers too, trailing to his hand, to his wrist, down his forearm to his elbow. It’s so strange, so comforting and Kyuhyun wants to feel this way forever - it was even better than alcohol.
Then suddenly, Kyuhyun feels a whole new kind of warmth, incomparable to any of the others. Lips upon lips, those enticing lips, he had been staring he’ll admit, pressed against his own and Kyuhyun’s belly felt warmer than ever. His toes curled immediately, his hands too stunned to make a single move, his whole body focusing on the intense warmth Yesung provided in one single kiss. Kyuhyun’s insides twisted, feeling indisputably cosy and snug. Even on the nights he totally lost himself to the fantasies alcohol gave him, none could make him feel this euphoric.
Another kiss came after that and it felt even better. His fingers were numb and he felt like slapping himself for not being able to grab onto Yesung, his body just remaining frozen with his eyes flow open. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise because Yesung’s face up close, pressed against his, was utterly gorgeous. He could see every contour, every detail and marvelled at the thick seductive lashes that were stark against Yesung’s white skin.
Yesung’s voice rings out in Kyuhyun’s ears with amazing clarity this time, the words “I’ll do anything” much too clear. His mind races a mile a minute and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what he’s thinking. Yesung wants him to quit drinking, at least at the rate he did, and previously Kyuhyun would have had a violent reaction to such a suggestion - alcohol was his paradise, his place of utter warmth. But now he had something even better, something healthier, something sweeter, something prettier, something warmer.
A third kiss comes his way after he remains silent, not overwhelmed with indecision but rather overcome with joy - he was given the best choice possible! It was no skin off his back, in fact he benefited! Yesung was practically offering him a life line and asking him if he wanted to live or not. His mind was clear by now, practically grinning on the inside. Alcohol paled in comparison to this creature before him… this was why he had found so much comfort in the liquid. Nothing compared, but he had never thought of someone. Someone and their pouty, perfectly kissable lips and their endless warmth, he felt like an idiot for not thinking of it sooner.
Who knew how pickled his liver was now that he had wasted all that time.
“You. I’ll quit drinking like this if I can have you and your kisses.” Yesung looks adorably shocked and Kyuhyun smirks, he reaches forward, pulling Yesung haphazardly until the older male is sprawled all over him. He brings them close, faces inches apart and breathes against his lips. He can already feel the intense warmth and it’s merely clothes on clothes. He nips playfully at Yesung’s bottom lip, before pressing forward, kissing him purposely. It was just getting better every time, the warmth impossible and incredible, the sensation soft and amazing.
“Become my alcohol, Yesung-hyung.”
Kyuhyun knew he had a problem, he always had.
He knew drinking the way he did was bad, that it was wrong and it was just poisoning himself. But he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t stop going back to that wonderful sensation in a bottle. Kyuhyun never understood his addiction, actually. It wasn’t like he enjoyed the flavour, the burning in his throat or even the drunkenness it gave him. It was a miniscule part of the alcohol-induced daze that he was drawn to every time, the warmth and illusions and control he seemed to have. He only found that feeling in alcohol. Kyuhyun was a mathematician; he liked having an answer to any problem. For the longest time he couldn’t understand the unknown variable that was alcohol and thus the problem was left unsolved. Then, Yesung with his sharp gaze, delicate fingers and soft lips waltzed into the equation. It was a part of the question that he had always disregarded but now it fit in perfectly and suddenly ‘x’ had a value and the answer was clear.
Kyuhyun found a solution, a new addiction.
♥규 성♥Yesung seals the deal with a searing kiss. He doesn’t full understand what’s going, what Kyuhyun is thinking, but he agrees because it’s for the best. If he can just get Kyuhyun out of that rock bottom stump, then maybe he could work on getting Kyuhyun back to the old Kyuhyun - the Kyuhyun he first met, the sweet wonderful Kyuhyun of 2006. He doesn’t know if this is the right choice, but at least he’s getting Kyuhyun away from alcohol. He closes his eyes and fists the material of the couch beside Kyuhyun’s head and tries to transfer all his worry, anxiety and anguish of the past few years. Kyuhyun seems more than happy to comply and Yesung chants in his head, this isn’t for him, this is for Kyuhyun.
Secretly, somewhere in his head, he knows he’s being selfish.
That something in his chest was just making him do this, that he wasn’t thinking of Kyuhyun, that he was thinking of his heart. His heart blossomed, sang in joy as Kyuhyun gave him that sweet smile before claiming his lips again. He knew inside he was being greedy, only doing this because it gives his heart satisfaction, to see Kyuhyun disregard the dripping broken glass and choose him (he thinks it’s him anyway) made him happy. Seeking out to help Kyuhyun was merely him pretending he wasn’t looking out for his own interests. He felt terrible but that thing in his chest was too powerful, too brilliant and bright and he just kissed Kyuhyun, full of vigour.
This was most certainly not his first kiss; he had kissed plenty of women and even a few men. But there was just something about the way Kyuhyun’s lips moved, the way his hands held his shoulders with wobbly security and the way Kyuhyun’s eyelashes tickled his cheeks. That something would flutter and jitter in happiness, pure happiness because this was Kyuhyun and he was practically drowning in everything that was him. Everyone else made it lurch and cry, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth and a sour feeling in his chest. Kyuhyun was different and that something wanted to make it clear, making Yesung’s face heat up and his fingers tremble. As weird as it was, Yesung loved the feeling of the butterflies in his stomach and the fluttering of his heart. He feels self-serving because this feeling is for him and him alone.
“What do you mean…..What do you want me to do?” Yesung questions after what seemed to be an eternity of kisses, eyes dazedly trained on Kyuhyun, the boy confusing to say the least. Yesung expected so much more resistant but Kyuhyun looked so pliant and content, as if he had had three bottles of wine already - he had barely started his first when Yesung rudely interrupted. The smile on his lips made Yesung swoon internally, only stopping himself short when he looked into those dark eyes, not even the slightest bit radiant. Kyuhyun was still in that pit, that dark pit of sadness and melancholy and something in Yesung breaks every time he sees it.
How had he fooled himself into thinking that his sparkle would return in a matter of moments?
“Just kiss me… Kiss me until I forget it all…” Kyuhyun mumbles before taking Yesung’s lips and kissing him again and again and again. Yesung tries to move back, eyes wide but Kyuhyun gives chase and any question Yesung has are swallowed by Kyuhyun. Something inside him dies and he doesn’t know why, he wants to ask, to find answers but the longer the kiss goes on for, the more that thing in Yesung cries out and wails. He doesn’t know why, wasn’t he satisfying it? Wasn’t he indulging himself? Wasn’t he allowing that something to drown in Kyuhyun’s presence? It hurts so much that Yesung considers walking away, nothing is holding him down, but he doesn’t, that thing keeping him there yet still crying.
Yesung’s heart hurts and he hopes it’s not why he thinks it does.
♥규 성♥
Kyuhyun thought it would be easier. That fateful night had seemed so simple and it seemed like everything would be alright. That night they had kissed for what seemed to be hours, his mind numb and heart soaring. They had fallen asleep on the couch, waking up in a tangled mess of limbs, Kyuhyun’s insides feeling eternally warm as he snuck a kiss on Yesung’s lips. It was better than alcohol, so much better, and he thought he was on cloud nine. With every stolen kiss, his broken soul felt a little less cracked. He forgot how he had had his innocence ripped from his fingers, how dreams of stardom were simply just dreams because reality was cruel, crueller than the worst of nightmares.
He thought Yesung would be the easy way out. No more needing to wait until the wee hours of night before he guzzled down alcohol, no more needing to try and pretend he wasn’t terribly hung over the next day. It was such a convenience to him. Sneaking kisses backstage was easy, stealing a few before breakfast was child’s play, locking Yesung’s bedroom and taking an infinite amount no doubt the simplest of them all - he had his fix littered throughout the day and he couldn’t be more content. Everything was in his control, he didn’t have to grit his teeth and pretend he was funny and snarky and not in desperate need for some delusions his alcohol provided him. He could go on shows, smirk and make girls go wild without feeling like he’s dead inside because Yesung gives him a kiss right before he goes out.
It’s hard though. Terribly, terribly hard. The more he tastes Yesung’s lips, the more he wants, the more he needs. A few weeks later and he can barely make it off a show before grabbing Yesung, kissing him senseless. He can’t even get a word in before he’s ravishing Yesung like he’s some drug. He bites harshly, thrusts his tongue desperately and grips Yesung to the point of bruising. Sometimes he hears whimpers, feels violent pushing but it falls on deaf ears and numb shoulders. He’d pull away, barely registering Yesung’s betrayed look, eyes filled with something unknown and somehow it’s not as euphoric anymore. He forgets it quickly though, because he’s lurched forward and claims those swollen, sometimes bleeding lips and the feeling of forgetting it all overwhelms him.
Kyuhyun doesn’t apologise as he bruises Yesung from inside out, with his teeth and tongue, and with that undying need for his warmth.
♥규 성♥Yesung starts to cry at night again.
The first few weeks had been tear-free, bearable enough to not sob into his pillow. Now, every night after Kyuhyun has had his fill and has kissed his lips sore, he buries his head into the pillow and sobs violently. He tries his best to keep quiet, Kyuhyun’s arm wrapped around him loosely, and he almost laughs at the irony - it’s just like before that night. Before he had put himself out there and offered his hand to Kyuhyun’s recovery. He’s back to crying, silently, quietly, trying not to disturb Kyuhyun.
It’s an entirely different crying and yet it’s exactly the same. He’s still doing nothing, he’s not helping Kyuhyun in the least. The boy’s eyes are still empty and black, and he’s still silent and helpless. Before he can even utter a sound, try to comfort and raise him up, his words get eaten up by Kyuhyun’s vigour.
He’s considered breaking the deal, more than a few times.
He’s hidden behind doors, in bathrooms, in shadows, biting his fist and fingers as Kyuhyun is frantically searching from him. He bites them until they bleed because if he doesn’t, he’ll make some kind of noise and Kyuhyun will find him immediately. He can hear scrambling, rapid breathing, desperate calls of his name ringing in his ears. He bites harder, clenches his fist until the skin breaks, squeezing his eyes shut until they throb. He’d look up to the clock, watching the seconds tick by and hoping Kyuhyun would walk away after a few minutes because even seconds felt like eternities.
“Y-Yesung… Y-Yesung-hyung where are you…” Bite, clench, squeeze. Bite, clench, squeeze. The sound of Kyuhyun’s footsteps and his panting hurt, hurt until he feels like throwing up. His knees wobble, as if trying to move as he presses himself against a wall. He opens his eyes a fraction and sees Kyuhyun’s shadow and has to hold himself from doubling over in pain.
“Jongwoon-ah… Jongwoon-ah I need you…”
He can’t take it anymore, that thing in his chest moves his body for him and bursts from his hiding spot, tackles Kyuhyun, kissing him forcefully. Kyuhyun smiles into the kiss, clueless and oblivious as he takes as much as he wants, licking, nipping and drinking up everything. Yesung digs his fingers into Kyuhyun’s back, as if fighting some battle, responding with as much as energy as he can muster. It’s all a blur after that, Yesung’s body somehow glued to Kyuhyun’s unable to detach himself as Kyuhyun swallows any apologies he might have. Yesung catches a glimpse at the clock while he’s being devoured, almost crying at the truth it told.
It had barely been five minutes.
Yesung isn’t obliged to stay and yet it doesn’t take long for him to get drawn back.
♥규 성♥
>>Part 2>>
Author: miss2l
Pairing(s): KyuSung
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: Well, if this really happens...lol
Summary: Kyuhyun doesn't know and Yesung pretends.
Song Prompt: Gravity - Sara Bareilles
Written for kyusungcentral
>>Part 2>>
♥규 성♥Kyuhyun swears it’s not addiction. Neither is it an obsession. It is a simple adoration.
A kind of simple love for the warmth it gives him, giving him pseudo-companionship in the darkest hours of the night. His belly feels warm, his heart is content and his fingers tingle. He finds comfort in the blackness, in the dimness of one simple light and he basks in its glory. He feels like he’s on the top of the world and that’s never a bad thing. He feels like he has everyone dancing in his palm, that he could do anything and no one would judge him for it. Everything’s all right, he doesn’t have to remember and it’s all a glorious cloud and haziness. It’s the kind of indescribable feeling that he craves the whole day and when he finally gets it - he relishes in it.
He knows how to cherish this warmth, this contentment, this control.
He takes another sip, another mind blowing sip and sinks more and more into his seat. He closes his eyes for a moment, the warmth only increasing, the love he has for this wonderful feeling only growing. It’s just like yesterday. Just like the day before that and the day before that. He really can’t make it too long without some sort of fix and if not every day then every other day. It doesn’t have to be a gallon like he plans to do today, but at least a glass or at the very, very least a sip. It’s unhealthy and he knows he’s killing himself but the feeling is too lovely, too amazing, too freaking warm.
People have told him since young how bad such a habit would be for him, that if he should quit before it gets too late. But why would anyone want to quit this paradise? This wonderful place where his head could be in cloud nine for a while and forget everything that was wrong with the world. The sharp words, the painful torments leave his mind for a little while and he can just live in a utopia he built in his head. Dreams come true in this place, everyone is satisfied, Kyuhyun is satisfied, pain doesn’t exist and when his head lolls to the side, it’s like everything can be fine for just a little while.
There’s nothing else like it. There’s nothing that can give him this brilliant feeling. He wants to feel it forever but he knows in the morning it will be gone and he’ll crave for this moment the whole day. He’ll smile at his fans and dance the steps methodically like a machine. But then when the day is over, after all the jokes have been made and all the notes sung, he’ll sit upon the couch, pop open some wine, or scotch he doesn’t really mind, and fall into this fantasy.
Kyuhyun swears it’s not addiction, its love.
♥규 성♥Yesung watches Kyuhyun practically throw his life away. He’s watched constantly, watched for days that turned into months that turned into years. He’d stand in the shadows of the corridor and watch with tears in his eyes as he sees every drop of poison slip into Kyuhyun’s mouth. He watched Kyuhyun have that dazed look in his eyes, that goofy euphoric smile and his heart hurts. His chest tightens as he sees the sparkle in Kyuhyun fade and fade until there’s nothing left. After every night, after every binge and after every drink, Kyuhyun’s spirit will dim the next day. Yesung can’t remember the details of how Kyuhyun first looked when he met him, but he remembered some - hopeful and young, innocent and talented, beautiful and wonderful. He was perfection in a body.
He doesn’t know why he has to watch.
There’s just something… Something dragging him down, down, down until he is brought back to Kyuhyun, watching silently like he’s caught some spell. It hurts him and Yesung begins to think himself a masochist for not being able to tear his eyes away. The paleness of Kyuhyun’s face is stark and his eyes empty and the longer he looks, the more it burns. Yesung stands there, eyes glistening with tears, lip swollen from biting and jagged fingernails digging into his palm. He quietly cries, Kyuhyun too far gone to hear him even if he bawled, and wishes it all to be alright. He wants Kyuhyun to be okay, he wants the maknae to smile the way he used to and not to drink away his problems.
Usually, he wouldn’t take a step forward. He wouldn’t make a single move.
It’s only when Kyuhyun moved off the couch, leaving the wine glass in the sink, that Yesung breaks out of the hypnotism placed on him and he’ll quickly scramble to his bed. He’d hide under the covers, trembling and shivering as if his blanket wasn’t made of the warmest goose down. He’d cry and sob some more as he hears Kyuhyun’s clumsy, thundering footsteps. Sometimes, he’d hear a fall and a thud and he’d whimper into his pillow because his chest hurts too much to help and move.
Today… is different though.
He doesn’t wait until Kyuhyun blubbers some nonsense and wobble off the couch. He doesn’t wait for Kyuhyun to move towards the sink, utterly wasted and close to poisoned. He doesn’t wait until his heart clenches painfully and it feels like he’s being stabbed in the chest. He doesn’t wait until it’s too late. Something compels him forward, moves his legs for him and that something has him standing in front of Kyuhyun, the man not too far into his stupor. That something constricts around his body, making it hard to breathe, and it’s like he’s run a marathon and that something makes him wrench the glass out of Kyuhyun’s hand.
Yesung likes to pretend he doesn’t know that that something is love.
♥규 성♥Kyuhyun doesn’t know what Yesung is thinking, when the smaller man practically rips the glass from his grasp, his glass shattering loudly in the distance. For a second, Kyuhyun thought it was some hallucination. It would not be the first time he had seen a mirage of Yesung appear before him, glowing and smiling like an angel. But this Yesung was even more beautiful than his mind’s illusion, so much more tangible, sporting a frown and tears, so unlike the happy, gorgeous Yesung of his dreams. He’s clearly not drunk enough to be imagining a physical Yesung in front of him and it takes him a few moments too long to realise that this Yesung is real.
Yesung, the real Yesung, slapped him in face and started crying, sobbing and bawling with a river of tears. This was definitely not a fantasy.
Whenever he reached out to touch, to hug, to kiss the illusory one, he slipped right past his fingers. The replica Yesung would smile at him prettily and laugh a pretty smile. This Yesung was sad, anguished and could come in contact with him, caused him pain in a world that was supposed to be unproblematic. He almost hated this Yesung for breaking him from his trance but he also hated the phony Yesung even more, for teasing him with fleeting steps, for not being real, for not being this Yesung.
“Hyung… Hyung what are you doing?” He slurs, he’s not too far gone, he can still make out shapes, still string together sentences and he can see Yesung collapsing by his lap, crying unglamorously. Raw emotion tore out of Yesung’s throat, the older man on his kneeling pitifully, sobbing into Kyuhyun’s knees. Kyuhyun sits up straight as a rod staring down in shock at the man, baby fingers clutching his pant leg and his heart breaks as each second ticks by.
“Stop Kyuhyun-ah… please… please just stop…” Kyuhyun hears, barely able to make out the watery words, then sentence heavily punctuated by hiccups and sniffles. He stares down at the man who smiles at him during the day, holds his hand on occasions and pats him on the head, all the while with that affectionate gaze in his eyes. His insides can’t take it, he feels sick, someone as cheerful, as carefree, as blissfully wonderful as Yesung, crying his heart out and Kyuhyun doesn’t even know why.
He caresses Yesung’s head, fingers running through the platinum blond tresses and he feels like crying too. This, this is why he drinks. He doesn’t want pain, he wants warmth and comfort. He doesn’t want to lose out to his emotions; he wants to have everything under his control. And this devastated, confusing Yesung was everything he didn’t want - sad, cold, lost. He escaped because of the harshness of reality, whatever had gotten to Yesung, was sharper than anything he had experienced, cutting him to pieces from the inside out.
Kyuhyun doesn’t know what Yesung’s feeling but it’s killing him inside.
♥규 성♥
Yesung uses every ounce of his energy to get there. To reach Kyuhyun, to fling the glass across the room and to smack Kyuhyun across the face. The skin burns in his hand and his fingers burn even more, he can’t even fathom how he hurt someone so clearly broken. His emotions are ringing in his ears, blood rushing to his face and tears already cascading down his face. Any adrenalin that his heart pumped into him quickly ran out and his legs buckled out from under him and he’s falling before he knows it. His heart is left unprotected from the attacking thoughts, from everything that hurts, and his memories taunt him painfully as he wails in the ugliest way possible, his heart letting it all out in one animalistic noise.
He clings to Kyuhyun, like a lifeline because he just can’t handle it anymore. He can’t handle just watching idly and crying by himself. He can’t stand not doing anything as Kyuhyun brings his death day closer and closer. He’s sick and tired of wasting time, of wasting years upon years by just standing stock still and letting Kyuhyun kill himself. His heart crumbles, breaks down when he realises, that he moved, that he got somewhere and now he doesn’t know what to do.
His throat is sore, his chest even more so. He can barely understand what he’s saying, how Kyuhyun can comprehend his words is beyond him. He feels Kyuhyun’s fingers, soft and gentle yet lazy and unsure, drag along his scalp, hurting him more than comforting him. He’s supposed to be the Hyung, the one that takes care of his dongsaengs in their times of weakness, instead he’s here, dwindling in resolution, pleading for Kyuhyun to do something… when he himself can’t do anything. It hurts, right down to his very soul and the pain makes him go forward once more, to lift his head, vision swimming with unsightly tears, looking Kyuhyun dead in the eye.
Warm brown meets dark, dark seductive hazel and Yesung tries not to falter. Kyuhyun’s deep endless eyes, seas of black brown, sucking his breath away, making him forget what he’s trying to do. When he’s looking them straight ahead, Yesung remembers, he remembers much too clearly, what Kyuhyun’s eyes used to look like - what they looked like when he first met the awkward teenage boy. They used to be so bright and vivid, twinkling with mischief and open with nothing but life. Now, they’re pits, pits of dull haze, opaque darkness that look so wrecked and Yesung feels like crying all over again.
“Stop drinking… Stop please… I can’t… I can’t take it anymore! Please just stop!” Yesung pleads, forceful yet fragmented at the same time; he’s too overruled by all the pain that he can’t think straight. He reached up, with tiny fingers, cupping Kyuhyun’s face and staring at him with begging eyes, lips trembling like a child. He feels his arms shaking, his knees clattering and his toes clenching but he knows he has to do this, he has to at least try instead of being that coward he’s been all these years.
“I’ll do anything, Kyuhyun-ah. Just stop doing this…”
“H-Hyung I don’t know what you’re talking about… What I drink is my problem, please don’t cry about me like this.” Kyuhyun holds Yesung’s face too, cradling the older man’s jaw, caressing the tear stricken cheeks with a care Yesung didn’t know he possessed. Yesung sees tears in Kyuhyun’s eyes too, glazed over the more he looks upon Yesung’s pathetic form and he feels like apologising. Those eyes looked so damaged, like someone had ripped something important out of Kyuhyun’s chest and Yesung’s heart lurches at the sight.
Yesung doesn’t really know what he’s doing, his body is compelled. He’s pushed by some unknown force, hands holding onto Kyuhyun’s face desperately. Their lips meet in a messy, clumsy, teeth clattering kiss and Yesung keeps them like that for a few heart stopping seconds, eyes squeezed tight. When he pulls away he’s half regretful, half on automatic and presses for another. Kyuhyun’s hands are shocked, suspended in air, eyes impossibly wide and when they pull apart for a second time, the words leave Yesung almost effortlessly. He doesn’t even know where they come from.
“I’ll do anything, Kyuhyun-ah… Please do this for Hyung…” He looks imploringly into Kyuhyun’s eyes hoping he could drag out some semblance of the maknae he used to know out. He sees those eyes dim a little, waver a little and he wonders who’s winning in this battle - the alcohol or Kyuhyun. When Kyuhyun’s eyes steady, Yesung hopes Kyuhyun has won. He knows how strong a hold alcohol has on Kyuhyun, how much he relies on it and how much he just gravitates towards it. Yesung wonders if a few little pecks could pull Kyuhyun out from alcohol’s grasp, it probably wouldn’t. But Kyuhyun remains silent and Yesung panics.
Yesung pushes forward again, wrenching energy from some unknown source in his soul, and kisses Kyuhyun once more.
♥규 성♥
Kyuhyun is captivated, simply captivated.
Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was head playing a cruel joke, but everything seemed to go in slow motion. Yesung lifts his head and Kyuhyun can’t help but notice how beautiful his eyes are. He’s stuck staring, probably like a goldfish, and he sees just how much Yesung is struggling through this. His emotions flood on the very surface on his eyes, almost finding their way into Kyuhyun’s soul, somehow.
When Yesung reaches up, fingers touching his cheeks tenderly, warmth blossoms in Kyuhyun’s face like none before. His face heats up unnaturally and Kyuhyun doesn’t understand where this blush is coming from, where this inexplicable warmth originated. Experimentally, not even really hearing Yesung’s voice, he touches Yesung’s face too, mumbling some words he’d practiced in his head countless times before, should any members walk in on him in his sorry delirious state. The warmth spreads across Kyuhyun’s fingers too, trailing to his hand, to his wrist, down his forearm to his elbow. It’s so strange, so comforting and Kyuhyun wants to feel this way forever - it was even better than alcohol.
Then suddenly, Kyuhyun feels a whole new kind of warmth, incomparable to any of the others. Lips upon lips, those enticing lips, he had been staring he’ll admit, pressed against his own and Kyuhyun’s belly felt warmer than ever. His toes curled immediately, his hands too stunned to make a single move, his whole body focusing on the intense warmth Yesung provided in one single kiss. Kyuhyun’s insides twisted, feeling indisputably cosy and snug. Even on the nights he totally lost himself to the fantasies alcohol gave him, none could make him feel this euphoric.
Another kiss came after that and it felt even better. His fingers were numb and he felt like slapping himself for not being able to grab onto Yesung, his body just remaining frozen with his eyes flow open. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise because Yesung’s face up close, pressed against his, was utterly gorgeous. He could see every contour, every detail and marvelled at the thick seductive lashes that were stark against Yesung’s white skin.
Yesung’s voice rings out in Kyuhyun’s ears with amazing clarity this time, the words “I’ll do anything” much too clear. His mind races a mile a minute and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what he’s thinking. Yesung wants him to quit drinking, at least at the rate he did, and previously Kyuhyun would have had a violent reaction to such a suggestion - alcohol was his paradise, his place of utter warmth. But now he had something even better, something healthier, something sweeter, something prettier, something warmer.
A third kiss comes his way after he remains silent, not overwhelmed with indecision but rather overcome with joy - he was given the best choice possible! It was no skin off his back, in fact he benefited! Yesung was practically offering him a life line and asking him if he wanted to live or not. His mind was clear by now, practically grinning on the inside. Alcohol paled in comparison to this creature before him… this was why he had found so much comfort in the liquid. Nothing compared, but he had never thought of someone. Someone and their pouty, perfectly kissable lips and their endless warmth, he felt like an idiot for not thinking of it sooner.
Who knew how pickled his liver was now that he had wasted all that time.
“You. I’ll quit drinking like this if I can have you and your kisses.” Yesung looks adorably shocked and Kyuhyun smirks, he reaches forward, pulling Yesung haphazardly until the older male is sprawled all over him. He brings them close, faces inches apart and breathes against his lips. He can already feel the intense warmth and it’s merely clothes on clothes. He nips playfully at Yesung’s bottom lip, before pressing forward, kissing him purposely. It was just getting better every time, the warmth impossible and incredible, the sensation soft and amazing.
“Become my alcohol, Yesung-hyung.”
Kyuhyun knew he had a problem, he always had.
He knew drinking the way he did was bad, that it was wrong and it was just poisoning himself. But he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t stop going back to that wonderful sensation in a bottle. Kyuhyun never understood his addiction, actually. It wasn’t like he enjoyed the flavour, the burning in his throat or even the drunkenness it gave him. It was a miniscule part of the alcohol-induced daze that he was drawn to every time, the warmth and illusions and control he seemed to have. He only found that feeling in alcohol. Kyuhyun was a mathematician; he liked having an answer to any problem. For the longest time he couldn’t understand the unknown variable that was alcohol and thus the problem was left unsolved. Then, Yesung with his sharp gaze, delicate fingers and soft lips waltzed into the equation. It was a part of the question that he had always disregarded but now it fit in perfectly and suddenly ‘x’ had a value and the answer was clear.
Kyuhyun found a solution, a new addiction.
♥규 성♥Yesung seals the deal with a searing kiss. He doesn’t full understand what’s going, what Kyuhyun is thinking, but he agrees because it’s for the best. If he can just get Kyuhyun out of that rock bottom stump, then maybe he could work on getting Kyuhyun back to the old Kyuhyun - the Kyuhyun he first met, the sweet wonderful Kyuhyun of 2006. He doesn’t know if this is the right choice, but at least he’s getting Kyuhyun away from alcohol. He closes his eyes and fists the material of the couch beside Kyuhyun’s head and tries to transfer all his worry, anxiety and anguish of the past few years. Kyuhyun seems more than happy to comply and Yesung chants in his head, this isn’t for him, this is for Kyuhyun.
Secretly, somewhere in his head, he knows he’s being selfish.
That something in his chest was just making him do this, that he wasn’t thinking of Kyuhyun, that he was thinking of his heart. His heart blossomed, sang in joy as Kyuhyun gave him that sweet smile before claiming his lips again. He knew inside he was being greedy, only doing this because it gives his heart satisfaction, to see Kyuhyun disregard the dripping broken glass and choose him (he thinks it’s him anyway) made him happy. Seeking out to help Kyuhyun was merely him pretending he wasn’t looking out for his own interests. He felt terrible but that thing in his chest was too powerful, too brilliant and bright and he just kissed Kyuhyun, full of vigour.
This was most certainly not his first kiss; he had kissed plenty of women and even a few men. But there was just something about the way Kyuhyun’s lips moved, the way his hands held his shoulders with wobbly security and the way Kyuhyun’s eyelashes tickled his cheeks. That something would flutter and jitter in happiness, pure happiness because this was Kyuhyun and he was practically drowning in everything that was him. Everyone else made it lurch and cry, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth and a sour feeling in his chest. Kyuhyun was different and that something wanted to make it clear, making Yesung’s face heat up and his fingers tremble. As weird as it was, Yesung loved the feeling of the butterflies in his stomach and the fluttering of his heart. He feels self-serving because this feeling is for him and him alone.
“What do you mean…..What do you want me to do?” Yesung questions after what seemed to be an eternity of kisses, eyes dazedly trained on Kyuhyun, the boy confusing to say the least. Yesung expected so much more resistant but Kyuhyun looked so pliant and content, as if he had had three bottles of wine already - he had barely started his first when Yesung rudely interrupted. The smile on his lips made Yesung swoon internally, only stopping himself short when he looked into those dark eyes, not even the slightest bit radiant. Kyuhyun was still in that pit, that dark pit of sadness and melancholy and something in Yesung breaks every time he sees it.
How had he fooled himself into thinking that his sparkle would return in a matter of moments?
“Just kiss me… Kiss me until I forget it all…” Kyuhyun mumbles before taking Yesung’s lips and kissing him again and again and again. Yesung tries to move back, eyes wide but Kyuhyun gives chase and any question Yesung has are swallowed by Kyuhyun. Something inside him dies and he doesn’t know why, he wants to ask, to find answers but the longer the kiss goes on for, the more that thing in Yesung cries out and wails. He doesn’t know why, wasn’t he satisfying it? Wasn’t he indulging himself? Wasn’t he allowing that something to drown in Kyuhyun’s presence? It hurts so much that Yesung considers walking away, nothing is holding him down, but he doesn’t, that thing keeping him there yet still crying.
Yesung’s heart hurts and he hopes it’s not why he thinks it does.
♥규 성♥
Kyuhyun thought it would be easier. That fateful night had seemed so simple and it seemed like everything would be alright. That night they had kissed for what seemed to be hours, his mind numb and heart soaring. They had fallen asleep on the couch, waking up in a tangled mess of limbs, Kyuhyun’s insides feeling eternally warm as he snuck a kiss on Yesung’s lips. It was better than alcohol, so much better, and he thought he was on cloud nine. With every stolen kiss, his broken soul felt a little less cracked. He forgot how he had had his innocence ripped from his fingers, how dreams of stardom were simply just dreams because reality was cruel, crueller than the worst of nightmares.
He thought Yesung would be the easy way out. No more needing to wait until the wee hours of night before he guzzled down alcohol, no more needing to try and pretend he wasn’t terribly hung over the next day. It was such a convenience to him. Sneaking kisses backstage was easy, stealing a few before breakfast was child’s play, locking Yesung’s bedroom and taking an infinite amount no doubt the simplest of them all - he had his fix littered throughout the day and he couldn’t be more content. Everything was in his control, he didn’t have to grit his teeth and pretend he was funny and snarky and not in desperate need for some delusions his alcohol provided him. He could go on shows, smirk and make girls go wild without feeling like he’s dead inside because Yesung gives him a kiss right before he goes out.
It’s hard though. Terribly, terribly hard. The more he tastes Yesung’s lips, the more he wants, the more he needs. A few weeks later and he can barely make it off a show before grabbing Yesung, kissing him senseless. He can’t even get a word in before he’s ravishing Yesung like he’s some drug. He bites harshly, thrusts his tongue desperately and grips Yesung to the point of bruising. Sometimes he hears whimpers, feels violent pushing but it falls on deaf ears and numb shoulders. He’d pull away, barely registering Yesung’s betrayed look, eyes filled with something unknown and somehow it’s not as euphoric anymore. He forgets it quickly though, because he’s lurched forward and claims those swollen, sometimes bleeding lips and the feeling of forgetting it all overwhelms him.
Kyuhyun doesn’t apologise as he bruises Yesung from inside out, with his teeth and tongue, and with that undying need for his warmth.
♥규 성♥Yesung starts to cry at night again.
The first few weeks had been tear-free, bearable enough to not sob into his pillow. Now, every night after Kyuhyun has had his fill and has kissed his lips sore, he buries his head into the pillow and sobs violently. He tries his best to keep quiet, Kyuhyun’s arm wrapped around him loosely, and he almost laughs at the irony - it’s just like before that night. Before he had put himself out there and offered his hand to Kyuhyun’s recovery. He’s back to crying, silently, quietly, trying not to disturb Kyuhyun.
It’s an entirely different crying and yet it’s exactly the same. He’s still doing nothing, he’s not helping Kyuhyun in the least. The boy’s eyes are still empty and black, and he’s still silent and helpless. Before he can even utter a sound, try to comfort and raise him up, his words get eaten up by Kyuhyun’s vigour.
He’s considered breaking the deal, more than a few times.
He’s hidden behind doors, in bathrooms, in shadows, biting his fist and fingers as Kyuhyun is frantically searching from him. He bites them until they bleed because if he doesn’t, he’ll make some kind of noise and Kyuhyun will find him immediately. He can hear scrambling, rapid breathing, desperate calls of his name ringing in his ears. He bites harder, clenches his fist until the skin breaks, squeezing his eyes shut until they throb. He’d look up to the clock, watching the seconds tick by and hoping Kyuhyun would walk away after a few minutes because even seconds felt like eternities.
“Y-Yesung… Y-Yesung-hyung where are you…” Bite, clench, squeeze. Bite, clench, squeeze. The sound of Kyuhyun’s footsteps and his panting hurt, hurt until he feels like throwing up. His knees wobble, as if trying to move as he presses himself against a wall. He opens his eyes a fraction and sees Kyuhyun’s shadow and has to hold himself from doubling over in pain.
“Jongwoon-ah… Jongwoon-ah I need you…”
He can’t take it anymore, that thing in his chest moves his body for him and bursts from his hiding spot, tackles Kyuhyun, kissing him forcefully. Kyuhyun smiles into the kiss, clueless and oblivious as he takes as much as he wants, licking, nipping and drinking up everything. Yesung digs his fingers into Kyuhyun’s back, as if fighting some battle, responding with as much as energy as he can muster. It’s all a blur after that, Yesung’s body somehow glued to Kyuhyun’s unable to detach himself as Kyuhyun swallows any apologies he might have. Yesung catches a glimpse at the clock while he’s being devoured, almost crying at the truth it told.
It had barely been five minutes.
Yesung isn’t obliged to stay and yet it doesn’t take long for him to get drawn back.
♥규 성♥
>>Part 2>>