antigravity suit
Sorry I fell off the earth. I'm not ignoring the people I love, I've just had a lot of shit going on and I don't like to bitch, when the going gets tough, I shut up.
I keep meaning to call you back, Will, but I keep not thinking of it until late and I don't know if you work in the morning and I don't want to bother you if you are sleeping. I could text but I want to actually talk to you. I was going to go to Jenni's for New Years but I've been adjusting to a new blood pressure medicine which needed to be taken concurrently with my old medicine while I adjusted and I just felt like ass. The doctor warned me I'd feel like shit and not to start it until after Christmas. We had dinner with Zach and Megan, stopped at Zach's to switch cars before Jenni's, and sat down and got stuck to the couch. Zach had a nasty fever/ache/flu thing. Dave and Megan were ok but Zach and I were definitely not the life of any party. We left his house about 12:05 and went home to bed. For this break, I have so far done nothing and accomplished nothing accept for laying around waiting for what feels like impending death. I'm fully switched over now so I'm turning human again. It made me so tired and unmotivated, for a week I felt like I had just run a 50 mile triathalon while carrying bowling balls and solving complex mental puzzles. Couple that with the trouble I'm having with LSSU, the threat of possibly not graduating because of a stupid technicality and the only person who could help took 3 weeks to respond to any of my emails (never in his office during office hours) and finally replied with - in total - "not much I can do, sorry". It's so frustrating. I'm in the honors program, have a 3.889 GPA, have worked my ass off every semester taking an average of 17 credits (20 for fall and this coming spring) only to have the whole thing derailed because first I was told I could take BIOL 107 for 105 (which I got an A in) and then to be told "oh wait, no you can't." I've been trying to appeal and have gotten nowhere. I'm working on stuff for graduate school, I'm terrified because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm scared to move and leave my everyone and everything. The kids don't want to move which breaks my heart, I'm spending as much time as I can with them this break (another reason for not answering my phone - that and I couldn't find it for awhile because I lost it when it was on silent).
Dave's dad is home from the hospital and, while he has made a lot of improvements, he's still a giant, needy infant and I'm just not mentally equipped to deal with that right now. Aside from having dinner on New Years (and being too weak and tired to do anything else) and going to the store in my pajamas a two times, I'm proud to say I essentially did not leave my house, did nothing productive, spoke to almost no one except the people in my house, and didn't even get dressed for almost a week. I played a lot of monopoly, battleship, guess who, legos, read a ton of books out loud, etc and tried to be the best mommy ever (even though I felt like crap.) I think I might be ready to rejoin the living.
In happy news I ended up with A+s in both of my history independent studies. I was so worried about them because the professor was so unspecific in his requirements and so bad about returning my messages. I also ended up with As in Public Finance and Intermediate Macro which I really feel like I earned, those were tough classes to have concurrently. I got an A in my senior seminar, and a B on my honors thesis (part A), which is weird because I had an A at midterm and I haven't had to hand anything in since then. I'm trying to find out how it got to be a B, I have two advisors for it, one is out of the country and the other says he has no idea why it changed and he's going to look into it for me.
To justify all this work and stress, I better get a freakin' fellowship for my Masters. Speaking of which, I need to apply but I don't have the application money yet. Soon....soon....
On top of everything, I had to go back to the hospital this morning for my follow-up to 2008's version of "Is that lump Cancer?" Not to me TMI, but the lump they were worried about has gotten bigger but hopefully it's nothing that will kill me. Although, if I die, I leave over $30,000 in student loans - haha joke's on them! Hopefully I sleep tonight, I've slept less than four hours per night for many days, too much stress and worry, I just lay awake for hours every night. I haven't been drinking for the last several weeks or month or something, maybe it's time to restart.
I love you all.
This was my theme song for awhile-
I don't wanna go and party, I don't wanna shoot the pier, I don't wanna take the doggie for a walk, I don't wanna look at naked chicks and drink beer, I don't wanna do a bong load, and go and wrench on the car, I don't wanna hose the dog shit down, Cause I ain't even gonna get out of bed,
*I ain't gettin, I ain't gettin out of bed today, I ain't gettin, I ain't gettin out of bed today*
I don't wanna watch no porno, I don't wanna play guitar, I don't wanna spank the monkey, I don't wanna go down to the corner bar, And I ain't even got to listen to all The stupid shit you got to say. I don't wanna do a God damn thing. I don't wanna, wanna to leave my bed today
*I don't wanna, I don't wanna leave my bed to day, I don't wanna, I don't wanna leave my bed today*
I don't wanna eat burritos, Or read about oj. No I don't want to get a head rush Cause I ain't gettin out of bed today.
*I ain't gettin', I ain't gettin' out of bed today, I ain't gettin', I ain't gettin' out of bed today, I ain't got to leave my bed today*