25 Things That You'll Probably Never Need To Know About Keiko
1. My name is Keiko. KEIKO. Not Kiki. Not Katy. Certainly it isn't Sally, although my landlady is under the false impression that it is.
2. I love violence in sports. I know I shouldn't. But I do. I truly do. This is why I love ice hockey, and why Steve Yzerman used to be my imaginary boyfriend before he went to Detroit (also, he's cute). Yes, I know I'm a bad person.
3. I occasionally suffer from road rage. I am aware of the hypocrisy of my actions, seeing as I am in fact a very bad driver. Nonetheless, it's unbelievably fun to stick your head out of your window and bellow "dildo!" or "poodlehead!" at the top of your lungs to the 240-pound trucker or the little old lady who just cut in front of you without indicating. Give it a whirl. You'll thank me for it.
4. I heart Craig Kilborn. It's not like I want to tie him up and do bad things to him. Really. My love is a pure thing, although he is quite the hottie. All I really want is to feed him soup, give him cute little pigtails and read "Scruples" to him in my best Lauren Bacall voice.
What?
5. I don't really hate Barbra Streisand. I'm aware that in many circles, this would be taken as a sign of mental illness. Bite me.
6. I do, however, loathe "The Way We Were".
7. I want to be Alexis Bledel when I grow up. She's so cool! Mature, funny without being obnoxious, thoughtful, nice to children and small animals, and Classy with a capital c. That said, I also want to be Bette Davis, and I don't think I can achieve both without first achieving multiple personality disorder. Which would suck.
8. I believe that aliens exist. I just do, okay? I do not believe, however, that a supposedly super-intelligent life form is gonna come a gazillion light-years simply to buttprobe a bunch of inbred Texans. No way, Jose.
9. I prefer butter. Margarine is an inadequate substitute, okay? If you ever invite me over for breakfast, this knowledge could mean the difference between life and death for you.
10. I love me some John Goodman. Sure, he's plus-sized and middle-aged, and not exactly the epitome of the word sexy (that honour would fall to either Lauren Bacall or Denzel Washington - take your pick). But he's adorable, hilarious, and seems like a real decent type. Conversely, I'm not even remotely attracted to Antonio Sabato Jr. I'm not sure what this says about me, but it's the truth.
11. I hate people who say "literally" when they mean "figuratively." I really, really want to Trotsky the lot of them. By which I mean taking an icepick and hammering it slo-o-wly into their skulls.
12. My favorite movie is currently "Punch-Drunk Love." Before that, it was "The Ice Storm," which I saw a thousand years after everybody else in the world did. Before that, it was "Walking & Talking." Next week it will probably just be "Muppets Take Manhattan" again.
13. It will never, ever be "Mr. Deeds." Because I will never, ever watch "Mr. Deeds." Because Gary Cooper is turning in his grave, people! Which scares me.
14. When I was nine, I wanted to be an investigative reporter for all of a week.
15. My favorite love song of all time is "At Last." Not even the New Kids can match the fabulous Etta James.
16. My cats are evil masterminds. Well. Really they're more like evil dumb-asses, but they like to believe they're masterminds, and I usually indulge them this fantasy.
17. I strongly dislike hamsters. They smell funny, and they bite. Two of my Great Aunts have feuded and battled and fumed over a period of three decades for lesser reasons than this.
18. According to this website, I am annoying because I ride a motorcycle and like spoken word groups (among other things). Not because I say "Dude" and "Y'know" too much waaay too much. Not because I give killer wet willies, exactly when they're least expected. Not because I sing off key power ballads on my lunch break as loud as I possibly can. But because I drive a motorcycle. Oh-kay then.
19. I strongly believe that the best porn is German. Now, I have no basis for this belief, never having watched any Korean or Icelandic porn, but it is my fervent belief that all male porn stars should be named Gunther. Or Dirk. I don't know why, but the heart wants what the heart wants.
20. I secretly love and adore my cats, and if anything ever happened to them, I would curl up into a fetal position and cry...
21. Three things that frighten me are blood, Michael Jackson and sharks.
22. I am the oldest of four children. Hurt my sisters, and you die a painful death. Otherwise, I'm mostly harmless and even quite cuddly.
23. I have been in love once in my life. Hopefully that isn't it for me, cause I have to say, the experience mostly sucked.
24. My ultimate Beverly Hills, 90210 quote is "I choose me!" closely followed by, "Donna Martin Graduates!"
25. I'm a Scorpio. Which means I'm a secretive, underhanded sex fiend. Maybe.