My reaction to Trans-V ultra sounds (I've had one, it was not fun.)
I was weeks away from graduating from college. I was 38 and trying to decide on post-graduate plans. It was the worst sort of April Fool’s joke when I found out I was pregnant. My partner and I were using birth control regularly. We had made the choice to not have a child. What was worse, Kenneth had left on business the day prior and was in Korea. While yes, I could speak to him, I didn’t want him to feel like he had to come home. My news and any decisions could wait for a week. However, the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy meant that I could not wait. The college clinic booked me into an appointment the same day I called them.
The doctor ordered an ultra-sound, which was not unexpected. What I did not know is that technology had progressed in the 12 years since I had been pregnant. I was not going in for the”jelly on the belly” ultrasound. When an ectopic pregnancy is concerned, the typical procedure is a trans-vaginal ultra-sound.
My partner was thousands of miles away. I did not ask my friends to accompany me, fearing their reaction at me being pregnant. I was alone. A very nice female technician greased up the sensor and placed it within my vagina. It was not painful. It was with my consent and for my health. All that said, it made me feel horribly vulnerable.
Journalists don’t mention that they do the procedure when the woman has a full bladder. They don’t tell you that you aren’t looking at anything that looks like a fetus, but what seems like a collection of cells or to the untrained eye, a blob on a screen They don’t tell you that after it is done you want to do nothing more than crawl into bed and stay there for a week. I wish I could explain why. I can only say that it was horribly emotional.
When Kenneth came back home, he came with me to the procedure again. The doctor felt that my pregnancy wasn’t viable; the procedure was to confirm her suspicions. The fetus wasn’t viable, and so the pregnancy that I didn’t really want to have was ended. I graduated three weeks later and was accepted into a credential program about a month after that.
I haven’t really wanted to think about that month of my life. Kenneth and I briefly discussed the idea of trying again instead of going back on birth control. For many reasons decided against a baby. I hadn’t thought about that month until this recent controversy about forcing a woman to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound prior to abortion was brought up by the media.
My medical care was through UC Berkeley, one of the most liberal colleges in California. I had every option available to me. I had excellent women’s health coverage. I had easy access to birth control and the option for an abortion was given to me. I chose the trans-v procedure because I wanted the opportunity to keep the pregnancy. If I had not, my health would have been in danger. It was dehumanizing procedure, even though it was for my own good. A camera was being placed in my most intimate space, so a stranger could look at it.
The doctor was able to tell me if the pregnancy was viable. I could not tell. The lab-tech knew it wasn’t viable, because she sees the readings every day. I could not tell. Even after I was told that the pregnancy wasn’t viable, that it wasn’t a baby, but just a collection of cells, I could not tell. I felt pregnant and when I miscarried, I felt a deep loss. I don’t do it often, but there are days when I think to myself, “The baby would be three.” I wonder if he or she would have had Kenneth’s curly hair or my eyes.
I can’t speak for anyone but myself. So for myself, the trans-v ultra sound was an invasive procedure that made me feel vulnerable. I allowed it because I was told it was important for my health. It did not make the pregnancy more real.
I am relieved because at weeks away from starting my new career, I did not want a child. I am relieved because if I had chosen to terminate the pregnancy, that option was easily available. There was no waiting period. There was no invasive procedure required.
I realize that some people feel that life begins at conception. My experience tells me that conception is just a bunch of cells deciding to combine and replicate and it is only with this advanced technology that we are even aware of a pregnancy so early on. Fifty years ago I would have miscarried or if the pregnancy had been ectopic, I might have died.
I am an adult. I am college educated. Like any person faced with a medical decision, I want to trust my health care providers to allow me to make the decisions that best fit my needs to live a healthy and full life. I want to be informed, but at the end of the day, the judgment is mine.
I do not know what to say to the people who have religious beliefs that pregnancy begins at a set point. All I can say is that I can think of no religion in which the medical science we have today was taken into account. When most religious texts were written, women could be horribly abused without interference. Doctrine that mandated that unborn children were people was needed so that church had authority to intervene in situations where domestic abuse was an issue. It wasn’t a sin to beat your wife, that was chastisement, but beating your pregnant wife could put a son in danger and that was a sin. (All pregnancies are boys…unless the woman screws it up, you knew that right.)
I am probably preaching to the choir, but I still wanted to make sure I said it. I was raised Catholic. While I do use birth control, the prohibition against abortion is so deeply set, I could not terminate a pregnancy that I was told wasn’t viable. While I am pro-choice, it is only because I know that an unwanted child is at risk for a pretty crappy life. I don’t think it is “saving a child” only to see it raised in poverty, unwanted and unloved.
If I lived in a world where every child was guaranteed good housing, education, a loving home and a life without significant want, then I could see insisting that pregnancies could not be terminated except in instances of rape, incest, or when the health of the mother was at stake. If you give me that, religious and social conservatives, then you can pass your personhood bills and I will think them a fine thing.
Until that glorious day, try to get it through your thick skulls that you aren't saving a bloody thing when you force a woman, already dealing with an emotional choice, to go through a dehumanizing procedure. Forcing me to keep a baby I don't want isn't going to "save" the child. If you don't believe me, go read up on Romania.