The end... Part six

Aug 22, 2008 23:49

Here's part six for your enjoyment, please leave comments good or bad. I really like reading about what people think of my work, I find it both helpful and interesting ( Read more... )

gwen cooper, captain jack harkness, torchwood, ianto jones, toshiko sato, doctor owen harper

Leave a comment

Comments 8

adira_tam August 22 2008, 23:53:42 UTC
Love Take charge Ianto...
this is excellent

Reply

miss_shine August 23 2008, 07:57:19 UTC
Thanks, I'm glad your enjoying it... and I love your icon!!

Reply


echo_fangirl August 23 2008, 08:05:06 UTC
You've got a really good story here, a great mix of mystery and suspense! The Owen and Jack thing you've got going is great, and I'm worried now that Gwen and Ianto are stuck out of the hub with an infested Tosh! You've got the whole team in this, and they all have a roll to play, which is pretty impressive. :D

A minor criticism though, you've got a few malapropisms which slightly break the reading flow. For example in this part you've got "tremor" (a kind of shaking) when you probably meant "tumour" (an abnormal growth), and in part five you've got "ridged" (having ridges, like corrugated iron) instead of "rigid" (stiff and unmoving). There are a few more like that throughout the story, which would almost certainly be picked up by a beta reader. :)

Reply

miss_shine August 23 2008, 22:33:37 UTC
Thanks for the comment, I'm glad you like it. Sorry about the spelling, its my dyslexia and inpatience my beta is very slow and hardly ever availible so... I get annoyed, but part HAD actually been beta read. So I a bit dissipointed that it wasn't picked up.

Reply

echo_fangirl August 24 2008, 03:47:50 UTC
I know a few people with dyslexia, it must be a real challenge when you enjoy telling stories! :D

Reply

miss_shine August 24 2008, 09:12:47 UTC
Oh it can be, especially when your intelligent enough to want to use BIG words, why are those always the most difficult ones to spell??? I must be all the extra letters and the english language, why so many words??? :)

Reply


crazytook August 24 2008, 18:16:34 UTC
the dialogue was a lot better in this chapter. although, you did just write standard angry doctor, and i don't understand why ianto was able to convince the doctor to let tosh go.

also, the scene with gwen asking ianto if he loved jack had lovely insight. however, the prose immediately after ianto says "no" seemed off for a few words. "

‘No…’ Ianto reluctantly answered, but him and Gwen both knew that the no was really a yes." this is the sentence im referring to. it just seems a little...abrupt? like maybe you might want to throw in some commentary about defense mechanisms or something. i have no idea. it just seemed off to me. but i loved the paragraph that followed this about ianto having to figure out who he was trying not to betray.

and as usual, im really into this plot. and i really like the stakes and obstacles you've set up. i really like what s going on with tosh. i hope all ends well!!!!!

this is a good story, though, all things considered, and can't wait for you to update!

kudos!
crazytook

Reply

miss_shine August 24 2008, 22:03:13 UTC
Oh well Ianto pulled rank over the doctor, they are Torchwood and as it says at the beginning of every episode they are outside of the goverment... what they say goes!!
Thanks for the comment helpful as ever :)

Reply


Leave a comment

Up