(no subject)
If you can't tolerate Doug or anything in relation to him, don't even bother to read.
If you want to know why I'm even at NL, I suppose you can read the following, but good luck trying to make sense out of this entry.
Overall...I'm content with my internet life, but it's awfully hard not to recollect thoughts about the old times sometimes. I still chat to Ex and Guy somewhat regularly, but somewhere in the middle of every conversation, there's still just that fine line of enemy/competitor-friend/companion relationship that I just can't help feeling. NL is owned by Doug and all, but you know - I was strongly attracted to the forums because I had that same welcoming sensation when I joined NE. That same feeling slowly diminished at NE during my "active" state.
A lot of times at NE, I did not feel like I was whole. Perhaps it was because of the constant arguments that I wished had ended and whatnot. Or maybe it was because of my then-increased antsiness towards people. I really can't figure that part out. But I have known one thing - I did not like remaining there for the sake of waking up to misery. If I recall correctly, I did not enjoy my actual life as much as I imagined that I should be. So my natural instincts called to the computer. *_* Doh. Went to game sites here and there. Went to a couple of websites that I got temporarily attached to. Left them eventually with absolutely no problems. So what is my problem with NE that I can't seem to let go?
I've come to the conclusion that I just simply got too attached to people. In comparision to my previous sites that I was active at, the amount of constant chatting and interactivity was not as much as the others. So I was deeply connected with NE, I guess. It really did feel like my ideal "family" at first, but I don't really know what was the turning point of NE that changed my perspective on it. I often think it was that night when Jenny was "promoted" into administrator. It was the same night that I had first cried over an internet site too. After that day, NE's appeal slowly declined. So many fights, so many wanted changes, so many desires of the older days of NE, so many rediculous situations. So much sadness.
But anyway, I don't know why I decided to check out NeoLodge on February 18th. Random moment/gist of boredom? Or just there to redicule? Ha, I don't quite remember. But I visited and joined the forums. I stayed in the graphics section like how babies naturally attach to their mothers. A month later, I got invited to one of their AIM chats. Okay, I'll admit this much. I was totally lost, but at the same time it was friendly. The odd moments of someone mentioning this and a bit of that. The smooth flow of conversing and the lack of argumentation reminded me a bit of NE - on AIM though. But despite being off of NL's domain, the AIM conversations sometimes revolved around NL's activities. But it was easy to just "slide" right into the conversations after awhile of figuring who is who and what is what and so on. So in short, I guess, I was very appealed to NE and NL because of the community's sense of welcoming and the ease of transition from a new member into a "regular" member.
Despite the following quote being "deleted" off the forums and that it wasn't "meant to be directed towards anyone," I'm going to have my share of thought.
"Now, stop trying to change NE. Accept it and suck it up, or go hang out with Doug."
I didn't want to change the NE that I remembered with bliss. I may have had a hand in unknowingly changing NE, but I had no solid intentions of doing so. I couldn't stand the changes that seemed to occur. So I accepted the changes by hanging out with Doug, even before the mess that happened a few days ago that many others and I witnessed. You know what? I respected, looked up to you, and trusted you from the day I joined NE, but that same respect and trust has just dwindled since that day that I somehow "accepted" Jeff into management. I don't really know exactly why aside from the comments that you sometimes make on both people who are associated with NE and NL. I wish I knew which exact comments that I read that made me gulp and hold back my tears when I read them. It's hard for me to believe that I used to try to chat to you on a daily basis two years ago. It's hard for me to push back memories that I just randomly think of you at some moments in my life.
I do thank you for being caringly aware of some of my life's major situations. I thank you for those moments in my life when you were supportive when I felt that no one else was. I very much do. But at the same time, I'm extremely hesitant and embarassed to start a conversation because of some of the comments that you make that were somehow affiliated with NL and NE, both of which have been or is my "online family."
I'm not making this entry to make a downright complaint. I'm not making this entry to burden your already hectic life. I know that I'm pathetic for considering my internet social life a lot more important than my realistic social one.
Jennifer,
If you want to know why I'm even at NL, I suppose you can read the following, but good luck trying to make sense out of this entry.
Overall...I'm content with my internet life, but it's awfully hard not to recollect thoughts about the old times sometimes. I still chat to Ex and Guy somewhat regularly, but somewhere in the middle of every conversation, there's still just that fine line of enemy/competitor-friend/companion relationship that I just can't help feeling. NL is owned by Doug and all, but you know - I was strongly attracted to the forums because I had that same welcoming sensation when I joined NE. That same feeling slowly diminished at NE during my "active" state.
A lot of times at NE, I did not feel like I was whole. Perhaps it was because of the constant arguments that I wished had ended and whatnot. Or maybe it was because of my then-increased antsiness towards people. I really can't figure that part out. But I have known one thing - I did not like remaining there for the sake of waking up to misery. If I recall correctly, I did not enjoy my actual life as much as I imagined that I should be. So my natural instincts called to the computer. *_* Doh. Went to game sites here and there. Went to a couple of websites that I got temporarily attached to. Left them eventually with absolutely no problems. So what is my problem with NE that I can't seem to let go?
I've come to the conclusion that I just simply got too attached to people. In comparision to my previous sites that I was active at, the amount of constant chatting and interactivity was not as much as the others. So I was deeply connected with NE, I guess. It really did feel like my ideal "family" at first, but I don't really know what was the turning point of NE that changed my perspective on it. I often think it was that night when Jenny was "promoted" into administrator. It was the same night that I had first cried over an internet site too. After that day, NE's appeal slowly declined. So many fights, so many wanted changes, so many desires of the older days of NE, so many rediculous situations. So much sadness.
But anyway, I don't know why I decided to check out NeoLodge on February 18th. Random moment/gist of boredom? Or just there to redicule? Ha, I don't quite remember. But I visited and joined the forums. I stayed in the graphics section like how babies naturally attach to their mothers. A month later, I got invited to one of their AIM chats. Okay, I'll admit this much. I was totally lost, but at the same time it was friendly. The odd moments of someone mentioning this and a bit of that. The smooth flow of conversing and the lack of argumentation reminded me a bit of NE - on AIM though. But despite being off of NL's domain, the AIM conversations sometimes revolved around NL's activities. But it was easy to just "slide" right into the conversations after awhile of figuring who is who and what is what and so on. So in short, I guess, I was very appealed to NE and NL because of the community's sense of welcoming and the ease of transition from a new member into a "regular" member.
Despite the following quote being "deleted" off the forums and that it wasn't "meant to be directed towards anyone," I'm going to have my share of thought.
"Now, stop trying to change NE. Accept it and suck it up, or go hang out with Doug."
I didn't want to change the NE that I remembered with bliss. I may have had a hand in unknowingly changing NE, but I had no solid intentions of doing so. I couldn't stand the changes that seemed to occur. So I accepted the changes by hanging out with Doug, even before the mess that happened a few days ago that many others and I witnessed. You know what? I respected, looked up to you, and trusted you from the day I joined NE, but that same respect and trust has just dwindled since that day that I somehow "accepted" Jeff into management. I don't really know exactly why aside from the comments that you sometimes make on both people who are associated with NE and NL. I wish I knew which exact comments that I read that made me gulp and hold back my tears when I read them. It's hard for me to believe that I used to try to chat to you on a daily basis two years ago. It's hard for me to push back memories that I just randomly think of you at some moments in my life.
I do thank you for being caringly aware of some of my life's major situations. I thank you for those moments in my life when you were supportive when I felt that no one else was. I very much do. But at the same time, I'm extremely hesitant and embarassed to start a conversation because of some of the comments that you make that were somehow affiliated with NL and NE, both of which have been or is my "online family."
I'm not making this entry to make a downright complaint. I'm not making this entry to burden your already hectic life. I know that I'm pathetic for considering my internet social life a lot more important than my realistic social one.
Jennifer,