Mallory's Pop Culture Roundup
Mallory's Pop Culture Roundup is a new feature that I'm bringing to you kind people, where I read magazines and watch TV for you so that you won't have to. You can thank me later.
Allure
Cover Model: Jessica Simpson.
Initial Thoughts: "Ew, why does Heidi Klum look so ugly? Oh, ew. Ew. Jessica Simpson on the cover of my magazine. Ew."
Coming next month in Allure: Tips for finding better, more believable bronzer. Hopefully, they will explain why the model looks like she's been rolling around in the mud. If that's "believable" bronzer, I quit. Quit what? I don't know.
There's a Sally Hansen ad for Airbrush Makeup for legs. I won't lie, this ad totally freaked me out a little.
In the letters to the editor, people talk about Jennifer Aniston's "beauty", how "hot" and "gorgeous" she is and chastise the magazine for putting JA in the position to make fun of herself. I can only assume that there is a different, prettier Jennifer Aniston somewhere else in the world.
We learn how to get Jessica's cover look on page 40. No one tells us why we'd want to get Jessica's look. Last time I checked, Ugly Heidi Klum wasn't in style.
On page 52, Christina Milian snots that she wore ruffly leather skirts before Beyonce started wearing them. Is someone jellus?
"Smell This" on page 54 tries to persuade us to buy Elizabeth Arden's Intoxication, conveniently forgetting to mention how rancid Elizabeth Arden perfumes tend to smell. People in South Dakota use Garnier Fructis pomade. When I want style advice, I turn to South Dakota.
The Coach ads are really divine lately.
Beauty 101 on page 64 instructs us on how to smudge our eyelashes for a sultry, sexy look. The finished product is very much how my mascara turned out when I was in seventh grade, that is to say reminiscent of makeover day at a school for the blind.
Oooh, on page 72 is Insider's Guide. We learn how to wear perfume politely. I have a strong desire to make photocopies of this page and distribute it to the girls on campus who bathe in Tommy Girl and Coolwater. Paris Hilton's publicist tells us how to repair our reputation.
....
Because she's less of a joke now than she was before? I'm not sure, I'm a little fuzzy on the details.
If you want to lose weight, don't drink beer. Can I get a "duh"? We learn how to Exit a Car Gracefully from a "celebrated hostess" who has "attended many formal events". Okay, you know what? I've attended many formal events and I don't write for magazines. What the hell? Anyway, Miss Celebrated Hostess doesn't tell us anything we didn't know already.
Karolina Kurkova's makeup artist tells us, on page 82, that different types of makeup make us look different. I think that I picked up the "special" issue by mistake.
The Insider's Guide to a Total Makeover on page 86 follows the progress of two staffers who are aiming to lose weight this year. This month, we learn how to eat healthy while eating out. Basically, don't eat bread.
We then get the directory of the best hotel spas in the country, including the Four Seasons Spa in New York, the Peninsula Spa in Chicago and the Aveda Spa at the Alexis Hotel in Seattle. Fascinating.
I like Burberry Brit as much as the next girl, but this ad has made my whole bedroom smell.
"Fashion Cravings" on page 102 urges us not to splurge on designer duds, but to buy cheaper versions instead. Dude, Baby Phat jeans are all kind of wrong, cheap or not. That damn cat uglies everything up.
This just in: Gold bracelets are hip.
Page 108's Fashion Stakeout follows the stylish Kate Bosworth around town. Wait, replace "stylish" with "hella boring". I almost fell asleep reading this two pages. And there are hardly any words on it! Something in her just inspires sleep.
We learn that the grapefruit diet really does work on page 131, according to a researcher in San Diego. If looking at grapefruits didn't make me want to vomit, the news would excite me a little more. They try to dissuade me from drinking soda because it may lower my bone density. Because bones are so important.
The New York Times food critic tries to entertain me with an essay on going undercover to review restaurants. In theory, such an absurd premise-nerdy man goes incognito to eat! People look for him!-should make me laugh on principle. But I found myself asking "What? Why? Wait, what?" He tried so hard to be funny and it just wasn't. Maybe next time, dude.
Page 144 tells us all about the untimely death of Olivia Goldsmith. The article is really quite disturbing and sad, and marred by a horrid picture of the horrid Goldie Hawn. Goldie Hawn can bite me.
Ahem.
Page 151 has The Class of 2004, telling us what table designers would sit at in a high school cafeteria. Prada is in the honor society. Jeremy Scott is the Class Clown. Ralph Lauren is a jock. Alexander McQueen and John Galliano are in the Drama Club. Dior is a Fast Girl (Gasp!), Calvin Klein and Narciso Rodriguez are on student council and Junya Watanabe is in the AV Club. Poor Junya Watanabe.
"At Your Leisure" tells us how to apply makeup quickly and effortlessly. I remember this spread from YM in 1996. They try to get me to part with liquid eyeliner. NOT GONNA HAPPEN, BITCHES.
Pink, nectarine and cherry lip colors are in this year, making 2004 markedly similar to every other year, ever.
Party Girls don't have radiant skin, y'all, the dermatologists tell us on page 169. Step away from the booze, ladies.
The Miami Heat dancers "with their leather shorts, false eyelashes and fierce attitude" are the sexiest in the NBA. The very idea of leather shorts makes me cringe in discomfort. These pages are, like, an ode to camel toe.
Page 181, Authority is in. Like "crafty little jackets". I don't know.
Page 191 declares Jessica Simpson "The Smartest Dumb Blonde In The World". Um. Okay. They also try to convince us that she's pretty, that her father isn't terrifying and that she knows what competitive means. She fails on all three counts. We look back at her past outfits, including an absolutely terrifying ensemble that she wore to Zootopia in 2001. Okay, seriously? She should have been shot after wearing that. For that "outfit" to go unpunished is just-it proves that there's something wrong with the world. J. Simp doesn't get along with Clay Aiken. Damn you, Jessica, for making me not hate Clay for 2.2 seconds. DAMN YOU.
Classic Lines:
"I know when the camera's rolling, let's put it that way", Jessica tells us. Okay, Jessica? We know you're a dumbass. You prove this by saying "yummy" fourteen times on the next page. I bet you say "hungie", too.
"[Pregnancy] is such a sacred thing", she remarks. Kind of like virginity. Virginity is so sacred that we don't talk about it in interviews and with our dads and in our wedding vows on televis...oh, wait.
On the last page, we learn what the celebrities to to calm down before a big event. Tom Cruise does karaoke. His song is "Lust For Life". Does anybody else want to pay money to see that? No? It's just me? Oh. Okay, then.
American Idol
Initial Thoughts: "Wow, Season Three of American Idol just keeps getting more and more exciting!!!111 Oh, wait. No. No, it doesn't."
I am convinced that Jasmine and Camille are the same person, much like Fantasia and LaToya are.
Matt Rogers is so skeevy. Put your tongue away, dude, we don't want to see it. And stop "dancing". And making "jokes" about beating up Simon.
Is George Huff 40 years old, or did I hallucinate? Because, really.
Randy Jackson tries SO hard. And he just fails. He tries so hard to make Simon jokes and it's just, like, dude, don't waste your time. You're not funny. And stop saying "Dawg" "feelin' it" and "aight". Just stop, kthx.
Paula is on so many drugs. She loooooves the way everybody sings. Loooooves. I am convinced that I could yell in her face and stomp on her feet and she'd hazily tell me that she really connected with me and that I sing from the heart.
I'm convinced that the audience would boo Simon if he said he was donating all of his money to charity.
Ryan Seacrest keeps getting lamer and lamer and is eerily reminiscent of Kermit the Frog, should Kermit ever become anorexic and have a mishap in a tanning bed.
Camille always seems two seconds away from a full fledged mental breakdown. She should ask Paula for her pharmacist's number. As it stands now, she barely sings above a whisper and seems like a zombie. Julia Demato Part II, I think.
Okay, I cheated a little here, as I only watched half of AI, in order to watch America's Next Top Model, but I won't give the full recap, as our West Coast viewers don't need to be spoiled just yet.
America's Next Top Model
Initial Thoughts: "Oh, ANTM! Why do you have to end? Whyyyyyyyyyy?"
The Previouslys... for this episode were just as good, if not better, than most shows on television today.
Remember Anna? Remember her? No? Neither did I, really. What about Heather? Still no? Okay. Xiomara? She was the one who had the Eve picture that made her look like an amputee? With scary teeth? Still no? Okay.
Seeing Simon Doonan call Catie a hooker will never, ever get old. Ever. I love Simon Doonan so, so much. I want him to be the maid of honor in my wedding. And seeing Catie cry like a four year old? Fucking priceless, I tell you.
Man, Sara was hot. She was robbed!!!111
I love, love, love Tyra's den mother speeches in her serious voice.
I love Crazy Janice Dickinson. Janice! Call me!
Eric from Jane reminds me of an elf. A well dressed elf, but an elf nonetheless.
I want to make out with Nigel Barker really, really badly. I don't care if you didn't want to know. He's so on my list of people to do make out with.
This episode was crazy good. More on that tomorrow.
Bazaar
Cover Model: Sarah Jessica Parker.
Initial Thoughts: "Eeee! SJP! I love her!"
The beginning of the magazine has 48,000 pages of ads. Okay, more like 58, but really. Overkill.
Oooh! Horoscopes! Because no other magazine has those.
Who's Wearing What on Page 115 tells us that coats are in. Have coats ever been out? And blue is in, too. Okay...Strapless is also in, but they chose an unfortunate picture of the wholly annoying Hope Atherton to prove this point, which made me think about swearing off strapless dresses forever. Hope Atherton can bite me.
Page 134 informs us that Milla Jovovich has a clothing line, which frightens me. I enjoy Milla and I don't want to see her humiliate herself for all of the world to see. She already did that in Dummy.
PINK IS IN! Or so page 155 says. I've been saying this for years, folks. I am so ahead of the trends. This pink page left me with a serious case of lust. I covet everything that they advertised. Oh, sweet, pretty, pink.
Why yes, people do call me Elle Woods, thanks for asking.
Green is also in. And I love green, too! It's my other favorite color. Coincidence? I think not. The lemon quartz ring here is divine and if I don't have it, I think I'll DIE.
Ahem.
"Key Pieces" on page 171 just confirms my belief that Marc Jacobs can do no wrong. The Celine and LV bags are crazy cute, too. But my heart belongs to Marc.
Linda Evangelista is on page 188 which made me shriek like a fangirl. I love Linda. Crazy bitchy, sure. I don't care.
Page 215: Cropped Pants are in! This very nearly justifies me buying six pairs of them. And full skirts, too! I am SO a trendsetter. I've been wearing all of this ish forever. Fashion magazines should start following me around, like, asap.
If Mena Suvari has great hair, like page 234 says she does, I don't want great hair anymore.
Manolo Blahnik tells us on page 252 that he loves sluts. Manolo, I'll so become a slut if you'll give me shoes. Really, I will. I can do trashy! I can do fishnets! I can make out with everyone!
The SJP article on page 262 makes me love her even more. She's just adorable. I know that lots of people don't like her, but I just find her to be beyond cute and terribly nice and wonderful and fetching. Yeah. I'm a fan.
The John Galliano article on page 305 leaves readers with the impression that the man is crazy. Like a fox, in my opinion. Which I'm sure is the very reaction he was going for. With his crazy self.
The Shoe spread on page 322 made me cry. I want all of these shoes!!
Page 346: Dude, corsets are in. I wore one once, and I thought I was going to die. Can't see myself doing it again. Even thinking about it makes me hyperventilate.
And, finally, an article on Marie-Chantal Miller on page 382. Some of you might know her as the Crown Princess of Greece, but I refuse to call her that. Want to know why? BECAUSE GREECE DOESN'T HAVE A THRONE ANYMORE. So she's the crown princess of what? I have as much right to call myself a princess as she does. Plus, the Miller sisters have always sort of annoyed me. I never said I was rational. Anyway, Marie-Chantal tells us all about her children's clothing line. Yawn. And her awful sister Alexandra Von Furstenburg manages to sneak into these pictures, too. Her face looks like it's made of leather.
Cosmopolitan
Cover Model: Mischa Barton.
Initial Thoughts: "She's really only 17?"
Page 42 tells us the "Ten Things That Work His Nerve". Number 7 is when we poke him with a fork in order to fix his posture.
.....
WHAT
THE
HELL?
Has anyone done this? Is it really something common? Did I miss some sort of trend? Is it really a normal practice to stab someone with a fork to make them stand up straight? Or did Cosmo make that up? Yeah, like Cosmo would ever lie. Ha!
The Ask Anything has a question about a small penis, much like it does every issue. This is where my Cosmo Theory originated. More in a bit.
The article on Mischa Barton told me...nothing. Except that she went to school with Ally and Jaime from Rich Girls. Yawn. I like Mischa, and I think she's quite pretty, but she looks older than I do. And she's really boring. Like, really boring.
Cleavage is in. No shit, Cosmo. Random men on the street make that perfectly clear every day. I hope they don't pay people to write stuff like that.
There's a lovely Elisabeth Rohm dartboard on page 62. Well, technically, it's just a picture, but I fully plan on throwing darts at it. What? The bitch is ruining Law and Order, yo! We hate her!
There's a joke about Scarlett Johansson's "golden globes" at the Golden Globes on page 64. Ahahaha. How fucking funny. Because it's never been done before! Clever!
Whoa, page 68 is called "Abs-olutely Fabulous" and features guys showing off their abs! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Brilliant!
The scary thing is, I have a feeling that people are laughing at these "quips". It's all very Joel Stein. Translation: Not funny.
rockgeisha's homeboy is on page 76. He looks like a toothpaste model.
We are reminded that crop pants are in on page 86, but Cosmo highlights the trend with the ugliest crop pants ever designed. Suck it, Cosmo. Don't you dare ruin this trend for me.
They try to tell me, on page 100, that you can use concealer to get rid of dark circles under your eyes. Bitches, I've tried that shit and it doesn't work! Don't lie. It doesn't.
Thank God for page 106! They inform us all that it is skanky to carry edible underwear in your purse. That was a close one.
The "Make Sex Hotter" list on page 110 has appeared in every issue of Cosmo ever. I could probably recite it word for word because they use it so much. Now, here is more on my Cosmo theory: I think that there are really only six issues of the magazine, first written around 1979. And they just recycle the same sex tips (Guys like when you make the first move! Change positions! Guys Like Boobies!) and the same advice column questions (I have a small penis! I have small boobs! I don't like being naked!) and use them over and over. I swear.
Page 126 counsels us on what to do when your father dies, and uses Gwynnie as an example. The entire article, while well meaning, has an icky, incestuous vibe to it.
There is an article on page 130 about a woman who was kidnapped and stuffed into a trunk of a car. Her kidnapper sucked, yo. He didn't take her cell phone away from her! So she called the police and they found her! What kind of a lame ass kidnapper doesn't take the cell phone away immediately? I ask you.
The Confessions Blowout starts on page 151. I always enjoy reading about people who do stupid things. It makes me feel much better about myself.
Page 180: Guys tell the dirty truth about dumping you. The basic gist of the article is that we're suppose to hate guys. Because they lie. And they suck. And they're evil.
A makeover on page 216 takes Brittany Snow from Plain Jane to Plain Jane Trying to Pull Off Sexy. Sad.
The cocktails on page 226 simply do not compare to my slushy lemonade/raspberry vodka concoction. That? Is divine. These? Not so much. And the Sake Julpe looks like puke. Just saying.
The requisite romance novel excerpt on page 234 made me laugh so hard that I couldn't finish reading it. First of all, it's called "Waves of Passion". Hee. Hee. Ha. Hahaha. Heh. Haha. Okay. So then I try to read it, and I just picture Fabio narrating it and I cannot, for the life of me, stop laughing.
In other news, the hot topic of conversation these days has been my resemblance to a certain supermodel by the name of Gisele. If by "resemblance" you mean "Maybe kind of look similar if you glance really quickly. While squinting". And if by "hot topic" you mean "discussed by three people". And it's only in certain pictures like this one and this one. But you know what? No matter how far fetched this compliment is, I am enjoying it and milking it for all that it's worth. Because I can.
We didn't have classes today because of advisement day. And when I met with my advisor, she called me anal retentive. Just because my schedules were written very neatly! Okay, and maybe there was a slight case of color-coding going on in the course booklet. What? Color coding is fun.
::sobs::
Whatever, Anal retentive is the new pink.
Allure
Cover Model: Jessica Simpson.
Initial Thoughts: "Ew, why does Heidi Klum look so ugly? Oh, ew. Ew. Jessica Simpson on the cover of my magazine. Ew."
Coming next month in Allure: Tips for finding better, more believable bronzer. Hopefully, they will explain why the model looks like she's been rolling around in the mud. If that's "believable" bronzer, I quit. Quit what? I don't know.
There's a Sally Hansen ad for Airbrush Makeup for legs. I won't lie, this ad totally freaked me out a little.
In the letters to the editor, people talk about Jennifer Aniston's "beauty", how "hot" and "gorgeous" she is and chastise the magazine for putting JA in the position to make fun of herself. I can only assume that there is a different, prettier Jennifer Aniston somewhere else in the world.
We learn how to get Jessica's cover look on page 40. No one tells us why we'd want to get Jessica's look. Last time I checked, Ugly Heidi Klum wasn't in style.
On page 52, Christina Milian snots that she wore ruffly leather skirts before Beyonce started wearing them. Is someone jellus?
"Smell This" on page 54 tries to persuade us to buy Elizabeth Arden's Intoxication, conveniently forgetting to mention how rancid Elizabeth Arden perfumes tend to smell. People in South Dakota use Garnier Fructis pomade. When I want style advice, I turn to South Dakota.
The Coach ads are really divine lately.
Beauty 101 on page 64 instructs us on how to smudge our eyelashes for a sultry, sexy look. The finished product is very much how my mascara turned out when I was in seventh grade, that is to say reminiscent of makeover day at a school for the blind.
Oooh, on page 72 is Insider's Guide. We learn how to wear perfume politely. I have a strong desire to make photocopies of this page and distribute it to the girls on campus who bathe in Tommy Girl and Coolwater. Paris Hilton's publicist tells us how to repair our reputation.
....
Because she's less of a joke now than she was before? I'm not sure, I'm a little fuzzy on the details.
If you want to lose weight, don't drink beer. Can I get a "duh"? We learn how to Exit a Car Gracefully from a "celebrated hostess" who has "attended many formal events". Okay, you know what? I've attended many formal events and I don't write for magazines. What the hell? Anyway, Miss Celebrated Hostess doesn't tell us anything we didn't know already.
Karolina Kurkova's makeup artist tells us, on page 82, that different types of makeup make us look different. I think that I picked up the "special" issue by mistake.
The Insider's Guide to a Total Makeover on page 86 follows the progress of two staffers who are aiming to lose weight this year. This month, we learn how to eat healthy while eating out. Basically, don't eat bread.
We then get the directory of the best hotel spas in the country, including the Four Seasons Spa in New York, the Peninsula Spa in Chicago and the Aveda Spa at the Alexis Hotel in Seattle. Fascinating.
I like Burberry Brit as much as the next girl, but this ad has made my whole bedroom smell.
"Fashion Cravings" on page 102 urges us not to splurge on designer duds, but to buy cheaper versions instead. Dude, Baby Phat jeans are all kind of wrong, cheap or not. That damn cat uglies everything up.
This just in: Gold bracelets are hip.
Page 108's Fashion Stakeout follows the stylish Kate Bosworth around town. Wait, replace "stylish" with "hella boring". I almost fell asleep reading this two pages. And there are hardly any words on it! Something in her just inspires sleep.
We learn that the grapefruit diet really does work on page 131, according to a researcher in San Diego. If looking at grapefruits didn't make me want to vomit, the news would excite me a little more. They try to dissuade me from drinking soda because it may lower my bone density. Because bones are so important.
The New York Times food critic tries to entertain me with an essay on going undercover to review restaurants. In theory, such an absurd premise-nerdy man goes incognito to eat! People look for him!-should make me laugh on principle. But I found myself asking "What? Why? Wait, what?" He tried so hard to be funny and it just wasn't. Maybe next time, dude.
Page 144 tells us all about the untimely death of Olivia Goldsmith. The article is really quite disturbing and sad, and marred by a horrid picture of the horrid Goldie Hawn. Goldie Hawn can bite me.
Ahem.
Page 151 has The Class of 2004, telling us what table designers would sit at in a high school cafeteria. Prada is in the honor society. Jeremy Scott is the Class Clown. Ralph Lauren is a jock. Alexander McQueen and John Galliano are in the Drama Club. Dior is a Fast Girl (Gasp!), Calvin Klein and Narciso Rodriguez are on student council and Junya Watanabe is in the AV Club. Poor Junya Watanabe.
"At Your Leisure" tells us how to apply makeup quickly and effortlessly. I remember this spread from YM in 1996. They try to get me to part with liquid eyeliner. NOT GONNA HAPPEN, BITCHES.
Pink, nectarine and cherry lip colors are in this year, making 2004 markedly similar to every other year, ever.
Party Girls don't have radiant skin, y'all, the dermatologists tell us on page 169. Step away from the booze, ladies.
The Miami Heat dancers "with their leather shorts, false eyelashes and fierce attitude" are the sexiest in the NBA. The very idea of leather shorts makes me cringe in discomfort. These pages are, like, an ode to camel toe.
Page 181, Authority is in. Like "crafty little jackets". I don't know.
Page 191 declares Jessica Simpson "The Smartest Dumb Blonde In The World". Um. Okay. They also try to convince us that she's pretty, that her father isn't terrifying and that she knows what competitive means. She fails on all three counts. We look back at her past outfits, including an absolutely terrifying ensemble that she wore to Zootopia in 2001. Okay, seriously? She should have been shot after wearing that. For that "outfit" to go unpunished is just-it proves that there's something wrong with the world. J. Simp doesn't get along with Clay Aiken. Damn you, Jessica, for making me not hate Clay for 2.2 seconds. DAMN YOU.
Classic Lines:
"I know when the camera's rolling, let's put it that way", Jessica tells us. Okay, Jessica? We know you're a dumbass. You prove this by saying "yummy" fourteen times on the next page. I bet you say "hungie", too.
"[Pregnancy] is such a sacred thing", she remarks. Kind of like virginity. Virginity is so sacred that we don't talk about it in interviews and with our dads and in our wedding vows on televis...oh, wait.
On the last page, we learn what the celebrities to to calm down before a big event. Tom Cruise does karaoke. His song is "Lust For Life". Does anybody else want to pay money to see that? No? It's just me? Oh. Okay, then.
American Idol
Initial Thoughts: "Wow, Season Three of American Idol just keeps getting more and more exciting!!!111 Oh, wait. No. No, it doesn't."
I am convinced that Jasmine and Camille are the same person, much like Fantasia and LaToya are.
Matt Rogers is so skeevy. Put your tongue away, dude, we don't want to see it. And stop "dancing". And making "jokes" about beating up Simon.
Is George Huff 40 years old, or did I hallucinate? Because, really.
Randy Jackson tries SO hard. And he just fails. He tries so hard to make Simon jokes and it's just, like, dude, don't waste your time. You're not funny. And stop saying "Dawg" "feelin' it" and "aight". Just stop, kthx.
Paula is on so many drugs. She loooooves the way everybody sings. Loooooves. I am convinced that I could yell in her face and stomp on her feet and she'd hazily tell me that she really connected with me and that I sing from the heart.
I'm convinced that the audience would boo Simon if he said he was donating all of his money to charity.
Ryan Seacrest keeps getting lamer and lamer and is eerily reminiscent of Kermit the Frog, should Kermit ever become anorexic and have a mishap in a tanning bed.
Camille always seems two seconds away from a full fledged mental breakdown. She should ask Paula for her pharmacist's number. As it stands now, she barely sings above a whisper and seems like a zombie. Julia Demato Part II, I think.
Okay, I cheated a little here, as I only watched half of AI, in order to watch America's Next Top Model, but I won't give the full recap, as our West Coast viewers don't need to be spoiled just yet.
America's Next Top Model
Initial Thoughts: "Oh, ANTM! Why do you have to end? Whyyyyyyyyyy?"
The Previouslys... for this episode were just as good, if not better, than most shows on television today.
Remember Anna? Remember her? No? Neither did I, really. What about Heather? Still no? Okay. Xiomara? She was the one who had the Eve picture that made her look like an amputee? With scary teeth? Still no? Okay.
Seeing Simon Doonan call Catie a hooker will never, ever get old. Ever. I love Simon Doonan so, so much. I want him to be the maid of honor in my wedding. And seeing Catie cry like a four year old? Fucking priceless, I tell you.
Man, Sara was hot. She was robbed!!!111
I love, love, love Tyra's den mother speeches in her serious voice.
I love Crazy Janice Dickinson. Janice! Call me!
Eric from Jane reminds me of an elf. A well dressed elf, but an elf nonetheless.
I want to make out with Nigel Barker really, really badly. I don't care if you didn't want to know. He's so on my list of people to do make out with.
This episode was crazy good. More on that tomorrow.
Bazaar
Cover Model: Sarah Jessica Parker.
Initial Thoughts: "Eeee! SJP! I love her!"
The beginning of the magazine has 48,000 pages of ads. Okay, more like 58, but really. Overkill.
Oooh! Horoscopes! Because no other magazine has those.
Who's Wearing What on Page 115 tells us that coats are in. Have coats ever been out? And blue is in, too. Okay...Strapless is also in, but they chose an unfortunate picture of the wholly annoying Hope Atherton to prove this point, which made me think about swearing off strapless dresses forever. Hope Atherton can bite me.
Page 134 informs us that Milla Jovovich has a clothing line, which frightens me. I enjoy Milla and I don't want to see her humiliate herself for all of the world to see. She already did that in Dummy.
PINK IS IN! Or so page 155 says. I've been saying this for years, folks. I am so ahead of the trends. This pink page left me with a serious case of lust. I covet everything that they advertised. Oh, sweet, pretty, pink.
Why yes, people do call me Elle Woods, thanks for asking.
Green is also in. And I love green, too! It's my other favorite color. Coincidence? I think not. The lemon quartz ring here is divine and if I don't have it, I think I'll DIE.
Ahem.
"Key Pieces" on page 171 just confirms my belief that Marc Jacobs can do no wrong. The Celine and LV bags are crazy cute, too. But my heart belongs to Marc.
Linda Evangelista is on page 188 which made me shriek like a fangirl. I love Linda. Crazy bitchy, sure. I don't care.
Page 215: Cropped Pants are in! This very nearly justifies me buying six pairs of them. And full skirts, too! I am SO a trendsetter. I've been wearing all of this ish forever. Fashion magazines should start following me around, like, asap.
If Mena Suvari has great hair, like page 234 says she does, I don't want great hair anymore.
Manolo Blahnik tells us on page 252 that he loves sluts. Manolo, I'll so become a slut if you'll give me shoes. Really, I will. I can do trashy! I can do fishnets! I can make out with everyone!
The SJP article on page 262 makes me love her even more. She's just adorable. I know that lots of people don't like her, but I just find her to be beyond cute and terribly nice and wonderful and fetching. Yeah. I'm a fan.
The John Galliano article on page 305 leaves readers with the impression that the man is crazy. Like a fox, in my opinion. Which I'm sure is the very reaction he was going for. With his crazy self.
The Shoe spread on page 322 made me cry. I want all of these shoes!!
Page 346: Dude, corsets are in. I wore one once, and I thought I was going to die. Can't see myself doing it again. Even thinking about it makes me hyperventilate.
And, finally, an article on Marie-Chantal Miller on page 382. Some of you might know her as the Crown Princess of Greece, but I refuse to call her that. Want to know why? BECAUSE GREECE DOESN'T HAVE A THRONE ANYMORE. So she's the crown princess of what? I have as much right to call myself a princess as she does. Plus, the Miller sisters have always sort of annoyed me. I never said I was rational. Anyway, Marie-Chantal tells us all about her children's clothing line. Yawn. And her awful sister Alexandra Von Furstenburg manages to sneak into these pictures, too. Her face looks like it's made of leather.
Cosmopolitan
Cover Model: Mischa Barton.
Initial Thoughts: "She's really only 17?"
Page 42 tells us the "Ten Things That Work His Nerve". Number 7 is when we poke him with a fork in order to fix his posture.
.....
WHAT
THE
HELL?
Has anyone done this? Is it really something common? Did I miss some sort of trend? Is it really a normal practice to stab someone with a fork to make them stand up straight? Or did Cosmo make that up? Yeah, like Cosmo would ever lie. Ha!
The Ask Anything has a question about a small penis, much like it does every issue. This is where my Cosmo Theory originated. More in a bit.
The article on Mischa Barton told me...nothing. Except that she went to school with Ally and Jaime from Rich Girls. Yawn. I like Mischa, and I think she's quite pretty, but she looks older than I do. And she's really boring. Like, really boring.
Cleavage is in. No shit, Cosmo. Random men on the street make that perfectly clear every day. I hope they don't pay people to write stuff like that.
There's a lovely Elisabeth Rohm dartboard on page 62. Well, technically, it's just a picture, but I fully plan on throwing darts at it. What? The bitch is ruining Law and Order, yo! We hate her!
There's a joke about Scarlett Johansson's "golden globes" at the Golden Globes on page 64. Ahahaha. How fucking funny. Because it's never been done before! Clever!
Whoa, page 68 is called "Abs-olutely Fabulous" and features guys showing off their abs! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Brilliant!
The scary thing is, I have a feeling that people are laughing at these "quips". It's all very Joel Stein. Translation: Not funny.
rockgeisha's homeboy is on page 76. He looks like a toothpaste model.
We are reminded that crop pants are in on page 86, but Cosmo highlights the trend with the ugliest crop pants ever designed. Suck it, Cosmo. Don't you dare ruin this trend for me.
They try to tell me, on page 100, that you can use concealer to get rid of dark circles under your eyes. Bitches, I've tried that shit and it doesn't work! Don't lie. It doesn't.
Thank God for page 106! They inform us all that it is skanky to carry edible underwear in your purse. That was a close one.
The "Make Sex Hotter" list on page 110 has appeared in every issue of Cosmo ever. I could probably recite it word for word because they use it so much. Now, here is more on my Cosmo theory: I think that there are really only six issues of the magazine, first written around 1979. And they just recycle the same sex tips (Guys like when you make the first move! Change positions! Guys Like Boobies!) and the same advice column questions (I have a small penis! I have small boobs! I don't like being naked!) and use them over and over. I swear.
Page 126 counsels us on what to do when your father dies, and uses Gwynnie as an example. The entire article, while well meaning, has an icky, incestuous vibe to it.
There is an article on page 130 about a woman who was kidnapped and stuffed into a trunk of a car. Her kidnapper sucked, yo. He didn't take her cell phone away from her! So she called the police and they found her! What kind of a lame ass kidnapper doesn't take the cell phone away immediately? I ask you.
The Confessions Blowout starts on page 151. I always enjoy reading about people who do stupid things. It makes me feel much better about myself.
Page 180: Guys tell the dirty truth about dumping you. The basic gist of the article is that we're suppose to hate guys. Because they lie. And they suck. And they're evil.
A makeover on page 216 takes Brittany Snow from Plain Jane to Plain Jane Trying to Pull Off Sexy. Sad.
The cocktails on page 226 simply do not compare to my slushy lemonade/raspberry vodka concoction. That? Is divine. These? Not so much. And the Sake Julpe looks like puke. Just saying.
The requisite romance novel excerpt on page 234 made me laugh so hard that I couldn't finish reading it. First of all, it's called "Waves of Passion". Hee. Hee. Ha. Hahaha. Heh. Haha. Okay. So then I try to read it, and I just picture Fabio narrating it and I cannot, for the life of me, stop laughing.
In other news, the hot topic of conversation these days has been my resemblance to a certain supermodel by the name of Gisele. If by "resemblance" you mean "Maybe kind of look similar if you glance really quickly. While squinting". And if by "hot topic" you mean "discussed by three people". And it's only in certain pictures like this one and this one. But you know what? No matter how far fetched this compliment is, I am enjoying it and milking it for all that it's worth. Because I can.
We didn't have classes today because of advisement day. And when I met with my advisor, she called me anal retentive. Just because my schedules were written very neatly! Okay, and maybe there was a slight case of color-coding going on in the course booklet. What? Color coding is fun.
::sobs::
Whatever, Anal retentive is the new pink.