The irony of my 23rd entry, and I'm so not shitting you
"Wednesday, April 10th, 02
Eh. Like, stuff, n stuff.
So I have been so so so busy slacking on life in general lately. I dropped out of a class a day after the deadline (thank you, prof. dimarco, you rule), just bought a book for a class a week before the first test of the semester, skipped a LOT of classes, am starting to research and write two major papers that are due tuesday, um....and yeah, I think that's it. There's probably way more, but it mustn't be as important if I forgot it.
I could give many reasons for all my slacking, but the main reason is that I don't care about school anymore. I want to graduate, but that's not going to happen until next year...yay for super-seniors. I am just so sick of school. I remember when I used to care, but I think that faded before the first add/drop date of first semester freshman year. I just want to hurry up and get into the world.
Another good reason for my slacking is that I've been pretty damn depressed. This is ironic because I'm a fairly optimistic person, but I think most of that is because I am a mother hen type and feel the need to cheer up all my friends. Since the abortion in February of last year, the severe rejection I experienced when the person I loved broke up with me over this abortion, the loveless sexual encounters I carelessly put myself into all last summer and fall, and the supreme paranoia I feel lately that no one really loves me, I just didn't think school was at the top of my list. I wanted to sit around the house and sulk instead. I'd rather work all day than go to a single class.
The Randy-thing is sort of at a non-defined standstill right now. I'm not a priority to him, and that's more than understandable. But rather than wait for him to call me (which is what I've been doing all along), I'm going to do some schoolwork. Yes, really. I swear. I went to dinner with Ed tonight at the dining hall and had a good time just using him as a psychological backboard for my thoughts. Somehow we got into the abortion, the fact that yes Clint DID rape me but I am afraid to press charges and don't want him to hate me, how Chris in CA is another person I'm afraid of because I let him down by aborting his child (even though I know I did the right thing, damn it!!), and how I let this shit happen to me because I'm just so damned afraid of what other people think of me.
All I want is someone to love me like all my other exes did before Chris, all of whom I dumped, and dumped badly...sorry guys, I do regret treating you like that and miss what special feelings we had for each other. I'm starting to think of myself as an "old maid" and have no idea why. It's like I'm in a hurry to be married off and have kids. I was always like that, ask the exes. I have so much time ahead of me, yet this is what I put as my top priority....why? I don't friggin know. True love is so hard to come by, and I know I definitely had it once...and I screwed it up. Bleh, bleh, and bleh. But I must have fucked it all up for a reason, right? Like, someday I'll get my pseudo-Prince Charming because I truly feel like shit for the wrong I've done and my real want and ability to be totally giving and forthright again."
And a year after this post, Ryan came back into my life. How soon things are given to us, and how soon they can have the possibility of being taken away.
March 16, 03 (for my own clarification I guess)
"In other news, I got an IM from Ryan while I was passed out with my loverdog. I'm not sure what to think about it this time...we go through phases where he misses me and then we hang out, and then he hates me again. So it's probably another one of those. But I miss him too, so I'm up for talking."
April 5, 03 (Aprly titled "good stuff")
I'm officially dating Ryan again. We've found that we've both grown up a LOT while we've been apart, and so far, he's been a perfect boyfriend. We started out by saying we're "just dating" but that lasted less than a week. I can't get enough of him. :) He's become more of a social animal than in years past, and he's more aware of his crankiness so he's less apt to be a poo. I like it. I like it a lot.
I'd be stupid to post all the Ryan stuff...fuck, I just made a whole scrap book to showcase all the stuff from our relationship. I know I'm nuts....we're not broken up, I'm giving him time to decide what he wants, but dammit there's so much stuff we still have left to do together...sit on the porch of our house when we have our own place with a blanket covering both of us as we watch the snow fall...watch Fatso Goes Nutzoid and many other movies we need to see toghether because seeing them with anyone else would just not be as fun...taking a walk holding handds--we've done that one but nothing would make me happier than to feel his hand holding mine right now...ok, I'm stopping...I'm driving you nuts, and I'm sure as fuck driving myself nuts.
Eh. Like, stuff, n stuff.
So I have been so so so busy slacking on life in general lately. I dropped out of a class a day after the deadline (thank you, prof. dimarco, you rule), just bought a book for a class a week before the first test of the semester, skipped a LOT of classes, am starting to research and write two major papers that are due tuesday, um....and yeah, I think that's it. There's probably way more, but it mustn't be as important if I forgot it.
I could give many reasons for all my slacking, but the main reason is that I don't care about school anymore. I want to graduate, but that's not going to happen until next year...yay for super-seniors. I am just so sick of school. I remember when I used to care, but I think that faded before the first add/drop date of first semester freshman year. I just want to hurry up and get into the world.
Another good reason for my slacking is that I've been pretty damn depressed. This is ironic because I'm a fairly optimistic person, but I think most of that is because I am a mother hen type and feel the need to cheer up all my friends. Since the abortion in February of last year, the severe rejection I experienced when the person I loved broke up with me over this abortion, the loveless sexual encounters I carelessly put myself into all last summer and fall, and the supreme paranoia I feel lately that no one really loves me, I just didn't think school was at the top of my list. I wanted to sit around the house and sulk instead. I'd rather work all day than go to a single class.
The Randy-thing is sort of at a non-defined standstill right now. I'm not a priority to him, and that's more than understandable. But rather than wait for him to call me (which is what I've been doing all along), I'm going to do some schoolwork. Yes, really. I swear. I went to dinner with Ed tonight at the dining hall and had a good time just using him as a psychological backboard for my thoughts. Somehow we got into the abortion, the fact that yes Clint DID rape me but I am afraid to press charges and don't want him to hate me, how Chris in CA is another person I'm afraid of because I let him down by aborting his child (even though I know I did the right thing, damn it!!), and how I let this shit happen to me because I'm just so damned afraid of what other people think of me.
All I want is someone to love me like all my other exes did before Chris, all of whom I dumped, and dumped badly...sorry guys, I do regret treating you like that and miss what special feelings we had for each other. I'm starting to think of myself as an "old maid" and have no idea why. It's like I'm in a hurry to be married off and have kids. I was always like that, ask the exes. I have so much time ahead of me, yet this is what I put as my top priority....why? I don't friggin know. True love is so hard to come by, and I know I definitely had it once...and I screwed it up. Bleh, bleh, and bleh. But I must have fucked it all up for a reason, right? Like, someday I'll get my pseudo-Prince Charming because I truly feel like shit for the wrong I've done and my real want and ability to be totally giving and forthright again."
And a year after this post, Ryan came back into my life. How soon things are given to us, and how soon they can have the possibility of being taken away.
March 16, 03 (for my own clarification I guess)
"In other news, I got an IM from Ryan while I was passed out with my loverdog. I'm not sure what to think about it this time...we go through phases where he misses me and then we hang out, and then he hates me again. So it's probably another one of those. But I miss him too, so I'm up for talking."
April 5, 03 (Aprly titled "good stuff")
I'm officially dating Ryan again. We've found that we've both grown up a LOT while we've been apart, and so far, he's been a perfect boyfriend. We started out by saying we're "just dating" but that lasted less than a week. I can't get enough of him. :) He's become more of a social animal than in years past, and he's more aware of his crankiness so he's less apt to be a poo. I like it. I like it a lot.
I'd be stupid to post all the Ryan stuff...fuck, I just made a whole scrap book to showcase all the stuff from our relationship. I know I'm nuts....we're not broken up, I'm giving him time to decide what he wants, but dammit there's so much stuff we still have left to do together...sit on the porch of our house when we have our own place with a blanket covering both of us as we watch the snow fall...watch Fatso Goes Nutzoid and many other movies we need to see toghether because seeing them with anyone else would just not be as fun...taking a walk holding handds--we've done that one but nothing would make me happier than to feel his hand holding mine right now...ok, I'm stopping...I'm driving you nuts, and I'm sure as fuck driving myself nuts.