Brokeback Eagle: The Utterly Ridiculous Eagle Pimping Post PART TWO
LOL you guys are the best, you know that? If you missed it, Part One is HERE.
MASSIVE SPOILERS.
So when we last left our dudes they were slowly but surely bonding with each other after Marcus's surgery.
OH. I forgot to mention the Eagle. You know, the thing that the movie is named after? It was the standard for the lost legion and it was lost too, shaming Rome for all eternity, etc. etc. The lost Eagle is a BIG DEAL, you guys.
Anyway.
An old friend of Uncle Aquila's comes to visit, along with an arrogant young Tribune named Servius Placidus. Here is a quote from the book that bears repeating here:
"Esca and I--" Marcus began, and broke off. He was not going to make a circus show of his innermost feelings and Esca's for the amusement of such as Tribune Servius Placidus.
MARCUS. Just, HOW IN LOVE ARE YOU.
(And in case anyone thinks I'm taking that out of context, he is actually talking about how much he and Esca love, care for, and understand each other. PLATONICALLY, of course. Their love is manly and PURE. They are...a lot sappier in the book.)
So Tribune Placidus gives Marcus all kinds of shit about his family's dishonor, which goes as well as you'd expect, and then they let loose with the rumor that the Eagle has been sighted! Waaaaaaay north of Hadrian's Wall!
So Marcus is ALL OVER THAT SHIT and he's like, "Send me! Send me!" and everyone is like, LOL NO ROMAN CAN SURVIVE THERE and there is arguing and angst and then Marcus hits on the super-brilliant idea of the century: He'll take ESCA!
Everyone is like, um, the slave who hates all Romans? HOW ABOUT NO. But Marcus trusts Esca! He's pledged his life to Marcus! He gave him his father's knife and everything! It will be totes fine!
(Jamie Bell plays this beautifully, btw. He spends the whole scene standing in the background, like a slave would, and you can see all these emotions just playing across his face. He's like, fuck, I like this guy, do I have to kill him? SHOULD I kill him? Do I help him? Marcus, stop being COMPLICATED." Esca says very little in English (Latin) in this movie, but his face is so gorgeously expressive.)
Siiiiigh, he is so dreamy.
So they're off! With no plan and they're kind fo enemies! Nothing can go wrong!
And there is mounting!
Mounting HORSES. JFC, you people have dirty minds.
Uh...let me sum this bit up because it gets kind of long.
Scotland
Camping
Scotland
Esca talks to people in Gaelic
Marcus looks on suspiciously
Scotland
Scotland
Esca withdraws, grows more sullen, and Marcus cries on the inside
More camping
Mark Strong! What are YOU doing here?
WELL, he's a Roman soldier gone native! And it so happens he was in the Ninth with Marcus's father! And then he drops the bomb that Esca's tribe was TOTALLY THERE during the last stand of the Ninth and Esca has been LYING ALL ALONG! Because the Romans killed everyone he loved and enslaved him? So...maybe he has conflicting loyalties?
Marcus doesn't take this well. They get in a huge-ass fight and Marcus realizes that shit, he took his enemy back into his home territory and maybe his loooooove slave is not actually in loooove and is actually just a slave and he's all broken up about it and then:
Shit gets real.
The prince of the Seal People shows up and he is a BAMF. He will kill Marcus on sight for being a Roman, except...wait for it...wait for it...
ESCA TELLS THE SEAL PRINCE THAT MARCUS IS HIS SLAVE.
AND MAKES HIM KNEEL AND SHIT.
IT'S PRETTY GREAT.
ESCA IS PRETTY BADASS AT THIS POINT.
Things we are going to ignore:
1. That the Seal People look...like that.
2. That the Seal People go around not wearing shirts in SCOTLAND, where it is, I am given to understand, pretty fucking cold.
3. That....okay, the second half of this movie is pretty nonsensical. Just LA LA LA until the end, okay?
So! Marcus is his slave now and that's not a power dynamic that fandom can work with at ALL, right?
Anyway, Marcus gets caught smiling at the One Girl in the Movie.
Okay, let me back up here: There are no women in the movie with speaking roles. None. They were going to bring in Cottia, Marcus's love interest from the book, but the producers felt that it would be "too confusing" and felt that, according to Channing, the love story should "stay simmering between [him] and Jamie."
No. Really.
(Also Cottia is like, 13 when she meets the twenty-something Marcus, and that would be a NO in today's society.)
Cottia kicks a lot of ass in the books, and it would have been nice to see a female character of SOME kind, but the slowly simmering love story is PRETTY NICE TOO.
ANYWAY. So, Marcus gets bagged looking at the Seal Prince's sister, and this happens:
YEAH, I MIGHT HAVE READ THAT IN FIC ONCE OR TWICE.
So poor Marcus thinks his Esca has betrayed him. He swears to kill Esca if he gets a chance. Esca and the Seal Prince (Played by Tahar Rahim, who is great. He's actually a completely kickass character.) are buddy-buddies and only speak Gaelic to each other and Marcus is so looooost.
So blah blah betrayal blah blah blah big ceremony and HOMG THE SEAL PEOPLE HAVE THE EAGLE!
But Marcus has been betrayed! What to do?
After the ceremony, all the warriors are asleep and Marcus is woken up by frantic whispers.
...it's ESCA!!!!
And what does Marcus say? Does he say "Let's go get that Eagle we've been looking for since like, three months ago?"
No.
He says, "I thought I'd lost you."
(This is where etben started giggling again. She was seven fangirls away from me. I could still hear her. It was adorable.)
So they get the Eagle! Yay!
They run from the Seal People and then there is:
Chasing.
Running.
More chasing.
Marcus is hurt badly in his injured leg.
More chasing.
Less running and more limping, clinging to each other.
More wet clinging to each other and Marcus is feverish. It's all very sad and cold and wet.
Marcus, knowing death is near, collapses in a stream and gives Esca the Eagle. He begs him to return it to Rome. Esca says no, he swears he will always stay with Marcus. Marcus orders him to do it. Esca says sorry, no, you're going to have to free me if you want me to go anywhere. Marcus frees him and it's all very touching.
And then this happens:
They almost kiss. I swear, it's amazing.
ANYWAY. This is getting so long, it's ridiculous.
SO ANYWAY IT ENDS WITH THE MOST RIDICULOUS, UNBELIEVABLE, IMPROBABLE BATTLE SCENE EVER COMMITTED TO FILM.
LA LA LA
And then, no lie, Marcus and Esca live happily ever after, the end.
No, really. They go off into the metaphorical sunset, equals at last, and then WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IS UP TO YOU.
Wow, that got really long and involved. I meant to pimp the movie, not recap it, but OH WELL.
Part three with the recs and stuff is going to have to wait until tomorrow. Top Chef is on soon, guys, and that's a priority.
But if you want to start, just go read everything here. That should keep you for a while.
Part Three!
MASSIVE SPOILERS.
So when we last left our dudes they were slowly but surely bonding with each other after Marcus's surgery.
OH. I forgot to mention the Eagle. You know, the thing that the movie is named after? It was the standard for the lost legion and it was lost too, shaming Rome for all eternity, etc. etc. The lost Eagle is a BIG DEAL, you guys.
Anyway.
An old friend of Uncle Aquila's comes to visit, along with an arrogant young Tribune named Servius Placidus. Here is a quote from the book that bears repeating here:
"Esca and I--" Marcus began, and broke off. He was not going to make a circus show of his innermost feelings and Esca's for the amusement of such as Tribune Servius Placidus.
MARCUS. Just, HOW IN LOVE ARE YOU.
(And in case anyone thinks I'm taking that out of context, he is actually talking about how much he and Esca love, care for, and understand each other. PLATONICALLY, of course. Their love is manly and PURE. They are...a lot sappier in the book.)
So Tribune Placidus gives Marcus all kinds of shit about his family's dishonor, which goes as well as you'd expect, and then they let loose with the rumor that the Eagle has been sighted! Waaaaaaay north of Hadrian's Wall!
So Marcus is ALL OVER THAT SHIT and he's like, "Send me! Send me!" and everyone is like, LOL NO ROMAN CAN SURVIVE THERE and there is arguing and angst and then Marcus hits on the super-brilliant idea of the century: He'll take ESCA!
Everyone is like, um, the slave who hates all Romans? HOW ABOUT NO. But Marcus trusts Esca! He's pledged his life to Marcus! He gave him his father's knife and everything! It will be totes fine!
(Jamie Bell plays this beautifully, btw. He spends the whole scene standing in the background, like a slave would, and you can see all these emotions just playing across his face. He's like, fuck, I like this guy, do I have to kill him? SHOULD I kill him? Do I help him? Marcus, stop being COMPLICATED." Esca says very little in English (Latin) in this movie, but his face is so gorgeously expressive.)
Siiiiigh, he is so dreamy.
So they're off! With no plan and they're kind fo enemies! Nothing can go wrong!
And there is mounting!
Mounting HORSES. JFC, you people have dirty minds.
Uh...let me sum this bit up because it gets kind of long.
Scotland
Camping
Scotland
Esca talks to people in Gaelic
Marcus looks on suspiciously
Scotland
Scotland
Esca withdraws, grows more sullen, and Marcus cries on the inside
More camping
Mark Strong! What are YOU doing here?
WELL, he's a Roman soldier gone native! And it so happens he was in the Ninth with Marcus's father! And then he drops the bomb that Esca's tribe was TOTALLY THERE during the last stand of the Ninth and Esca has been LYING ALL ALONG! Because the Romans killed everyone he loved and enslaved him? So...maybe he has conflicting loyalties?
Marcus doesn't take this well. They get in a huge-ass fight and Marcus realizes that shit, he took his enemy back into his home territory and maybe his loooooove slave is not actually in loooove and is actually just a slave and he's all broken up about it and then:
Shit gets real.
The prince of the Seal People shows up and he is a BAMF. He will kill Marcus on sight for being a Roman, except...wait for it...wait for it...
ESCA TELLS THE SEAL PRINCE THAT MARCUS IS HIS SLAVE.
AND MAKES HIM KNEEL AND SHIT.
IT'S PRETTY GREAT.
ESCA IS PRETTY BADASS AT THIS POINT.
Things we are going to ignore:
1. That the Seal People look...like that.
2. That the Seal People go around not wearing shirts in SCOTLAND, where it is, I am given to understand, pretty fucking cold.
3. That....okay, the second half of this movie is pretty nonsensical. Just LA LA LA until the end, okay?
So! Marcus is his slave now and that's not a power dynamic that fandom can work with at ALL, right?
Anyway, Marcus gets caught smiling at the One Girl in the Movie.
Okay, let me back up here: There are no women in the movie with speaking roles. None. They were going to bring in Cottia, Marcus's love interest from the book, but the producers felt that it would be "too confusing" and felt that, according to Channing, the love story should "stay simmering between [him] and Jamie."
No. Really.
(Also Cottia is like, 13 when she meets the twenty-something Marcus, and that would be a NO in today's society.)
Cottia kicks a lot of ass in the books, and it would have been nice to see a female character of SOME kind, but the slowly simmering love story is PRETTY NICE TOO.
ANYWAY. So, Marcus gets bagged looking at the Seal Prince's sister, and this happens:
YEAH, I MIGHT HAVE READ THAT IN FIC ONCE OR TWICE.
So poor Marcus thinks his Esca has betrayed him. He swears to kill Esca if he gets a chance. Esca and the Seal Prince (Played by Tahar Rahim, who is great. He's actually a completely kickass character.) are buddy-buddies and only speak Gaelic to each other and Marcus is so looooost.
So blah blah betrayal blah blah blah big ceremony and HOMG THE SEAL PEOPLE HAVE THE EAGLE!
But Marcus has been betrayed! What to do?
After the ceremony, all the warriors are asleep and Marcus is woken up by frantic whispers.
...it's ESCA!!!!
And what does Marcus say? Does he say "Let's go get that Eagle we've been looking for since like, three months ago?"
No.
He says, "I thought I'd lost you."
(This is where etben started giggling again. She was seven fangirls away from me. I could still hear her. It was adorable.)
So they get the Eagle! Yay!
They run from the Seal People and then there is:
Chasing.
Running.
More chasing.
Marcus is hurt badly in his injured leg.
More chasing.
Less running and more limping, clinging to each other.
More wet clinging to each other and Marcus is feverish. It's all very sad and cold and wet.
Marcus, knowing death is near, collapses in a stream and gives Esca the Eagle. He begs him to return it to Rome. Esca says no, he swears he will always stay with Marcus. Marcus orders him to do it. Esca says sorry, no, you're going to have to free me if you want me to go anywhere. Marcus frees him and it's all very touching.
And then this happens:
They almost kiss. I swear, it's amazing.
ANYWAY. This is getting so long, it's ridiculous.
SO ANYWAY IT ENDS WITH THE MOST RIDICULOUS, UNBELIEVABLE, IMPROBABLE BATTLE SCENE EVER COMMITTED TO FILM.
LA LA LA
And then, no lie, Marcus and Esca live happily ever after, the end.
No, really. They go off into the metaphorical sunset, equals at last, and then WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IS UP TO YOU.
Wow, that got really long and involved. I meant to pimp the movie, not recap it, but OH WELL.
Part three with the recs and stuff is going to have to wait until tomorrow. Top Chef is on soon, guys, and that's a priority.
But if you want to start, just go read everything here. That should keep you for a while.
Part Three!