Battlestar Galactica Christmas Special Picspam! Part I
Season's Greetings everyone! I come bearing some holiday cheer for the fabulous peeps of the interweb. It's a Battlestar Galactica Christmas Special Picspam! In other words, the first four episodes of season 3 (Occupation, Precipice, Exodus I and II) + various dopey Christmas specials = cracked out holiday picspam. This will be a multiparter, so I hope you all enjoy!
All caps from bsg-caps.com and formatted and such by moi. Spoilers up till Unfinished Business.
But first - PLEASE READ!: if you are on my flist you already know about this. For those not on my f-list, my LJ is going to be a BSG spoiler free zone so I'd like to ask that you not include any sort of spoilers for season 4.5 in your comments. I doubt you'd be flailing over spoilers here, but better safe than sorry. Thanks very much guys! And on with the show:
Previously on BSG: After some having some particularly wacky chamalla visions back during Season 1, and seeing that the fleet was in desperate need of a morale booster, Laura declared Christmas an official holiday in the fleet. The fleet faithful decided Christmas was decreed by the Gods (and Laura). The skeptics said Roslin pulled the whole thing out of her ass. Regardless, Christmas became a big hit and involved decorations, presents, eating, copious amounts of alcohol, and a fat man named Santa who took pictures with kids, and gave people presents. But on New Caprica, the cylons decided to ban Christmas. So the Resistance fought for the right to celebrate there drug-induced, made-up holiday and everyone wondered if Galactica would make it back in time to celebrate....
Cylon Occupied New Caprica: 12 Days Till Christmas
Six: “Good King Wencel...Wenlass...Wen..something...blah blah blah...something...feet of Stephen!”
Eight: It’s FEAST not Feet!
Six: How do you know?
Eight: Duh, I have Boomer’s memories from when Roslin established Christmas and made up all these stupid songs!
Six: They aren’t dumb, they are festive! Even if they make no sense. Where was I... da da da FEAST of Stephen. something something blah blah snow. Bright and crisp and even. Brightly shown the AAAHHH!
Boom Boom Splodey
Sam: WOO HOO!! THAT’S RIGHT SKINJOBS! THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO STEAL OUR CHRISTMAS SONGS! FRAK YOU!
Chief: HAHA, YEAH THAT’S HOW WE DO CHRISTMAS GALACTICA STYLE BITCHES!
Sam: CHRISTMAS IS FOR HUMANS! WOO!
Chief: SUCK IT CYLON BITCHES!
Sam: GUESS YOU WON’T BE CAROLING NOW HUH? THAT’S RIGHT!
Chief: Uh, dude we can probably stop now. They’re blown up and all.
Sam: Oh. Right. I guess we can peace out now.
Chief: Good call dude
Sam: *sigh* It’s always so anticlimactic after we blow cylons up.
Sam and Chief went to see how Col. Tigh was doing sans eye
Sam: ‘Sup Colonel
Tigh: ....
Chief: Er, we need to go see Roslin tomorrow and let her know we blew some crap up. Maybe it’ll cheer her up. She hasn’t exactly been filled with glee lately
Sam: Yeah, she’s been filled with badassery and black humor and murderous rage more often than not. We should help her rediscover the spirit of Christmas!
Chief: I oppose Christmas as it is a capitalist holiday that encourages materialism and celebrates the bourgeois status quo.
Sam: Dude you are missing the point of Christmas - it’s all about drinking
Chief: So if the spirit of christmas is all about alcohol, and you want to help Roslin get in to the christmas spirit....
Sam: Then I think we should get her drunk off her ass
Chief: Dude. That is a terrible idea.
Sam: Why? Her life sucks - she spends all day dealing with snotty children and running the resistance and gets arrested by toasters on a regular basis and one of those D’Anna models is practically stalking her...
Chief: Look, Roslin would never get drunk.
She is a super serious at all times.
And she and the admiral are always professional.
No funny business going on there. At all.
ETA: Chief was of course president of the Adama-Roslin Platonic Shippers club, which he founded after hearing some traumatic bits of (hot) conversation on Kobol
Saul: You’re both idiots. And don’t go trying to cheer Roslin up - she’s about 300 times scarier when she’s mad and we need her to keep sticking it to the cylons
Chief: Besides, the Old Man would kill us if we got her drunk
Sam: Well he won’t know cause he isn’t frakking here. She seems pissed at him anyway if that dartboard is anything to go by. It was bad form on his part, stranding his super secret wife here
Chief: Super secret WHAT?
Sam: Never mind.* I’m emo about Kara, don’t feel like talking now
*Kara and Sam got married at the same time as the Roslin-Adamas and were sworn to secrecy about the marriage. Sam had a tendency to blurt out Laura and Bill’s marital status, but most people thought he was drunk and just ignored him*
Chief: Whatev dude, Starbuck is probably terrorizing cylons as we speak. Colonel, are you gonna talk or not? Quit siting around being emo
Saul: I. Just. Lost. My. Frakking. Eye. You. Frakker. I. Am. Not. In. The. Mood.
Sam: You need some Christmas spirit too colonel!
Saul: If by that you mean booze, then yes, yes I do.
Meanwhile over at Stockholm Syndrome Villas...
Leoben: I cooked a practice Christmas dinner sweetums! Go on and try some!
Kara: ....
Leoben: It looks delicious! And Christmassy!
Kara: Why are you serving Christmas dinner? The cylons banned it.
Leoben: I’m being respectful of your pagan traditions so that you will like me better and will stop attacking me all the time. I’m getting paranoid - I never know when you’re going to jump out from around a corner with some sort of sharp object
Kara: I need some help cutting my delicious Christmas dinner
Leoben: Oh hooray, you do like it! Ow. ow ow ow.
Kara: Merry Christmas mother-frakker!
Over on Colonial One, The Cylons were getting concerned about this Christmas business and D’Anna was having trouble managing her fellow cylons
Cylons: rabble rabble rabble rabble!
D’Anna: *Ok, deep breath. I can manage these idiots. Just channel Laura’s awesome...what would Laura Roslin do...*
D’Anna: I will AIRLOCK the next person who speaks.
Cavil: Who the frak put you in charge? And an airlock threat isn’t effective when you aren’t in space!
D’Anna: Damn. What are you morons arguing about anyway?
Caprica and Boomer: We should embrace Christmas!
Dorals: NO, it is a stupid human holiday!
Cavil: It makes the humans happy and we can’t have that. Let’s make Christmas public execution day instead!
Baltar: If I may, I doubt anyone will want to celebrate this year. Roslin made the whole thing up when she was president and since she’s not president anymore I doubt anyone will care about it!
Boomer: You are a frakking moron.
Caprica: Gaius, that was stupid even for you. Stop talking.
D’Anna: We aren’t doing Christmas and neither are the humans. End of story. Anyone caught celebrating Christmas will be taken into space so we can airlock them! So there. And we are going to start up a human police force to help us crack down on Christmas celebrators. And to take over the Laura Roslin arrest schedule - she’s scared too many cylons, no one wants to be in charge of her anymore.
Caprica: Why are we still bothering arresting Roslin? It’s getting ridiculous
D’Anna: It is not! We’ll stop when she admits how I am as awesome as she is!
Caprica: Dream on girlfriend
D’Anna would have a long time to wait for that wish to come true as Laura was not in the mood to humor anyone
Tory: So, how was your stay in detention ma’am?
Laura: Seriously?
Tory: I’m just trying to make polite conversation
Laura: Whatev, are those the latest lists?
Tory: Yeah, lots of humans are getting on board with the police force thing. They’re betraying the spirit of Christmas! And you know, humanity.
Laura: Well they’ll soon regret that decision. I plan on tracking every last one of them down and glaring at them.
Tory: Yikes. If that won’t deter people, I don’t know what will.
Laura: *sigh* Go peace out now Tory. I’m going to bitch to Bill some more in my journal and then I’m going to meditate and look pretty for a while before I got yell at Sam and and Chief for slacking on the explosives.
Tory: Good plan ma’am.
Far away In Space, Lee and Dee were having a super serious discussion
Lee: nom nom nom. Dee, we’re frakking running out of nuts! Go to the black market and get me some more!
Dee: Oh my gods, no. Go get them yourself!
Lee: But it’s a really far walk!
Dee: You could use the exercise!
Lee: Uh, what are you implying exactly? I look pretty good, I don’t need to exercise
Dee: You are the fattest person in the entire fleet!
Lee: No way, that is not possible. I’m Lee Adama, I’m super hot!
Dee: Well you frakking WERE. I can’t believe I married you...
Lee: nom nom nom
Dee: Lee, move! Your leg is on my report!
Lee: I'm comfortable. Just shove it over
Dee: I can't, you leg weighs like 90 pounds!
Lee: Whatev. Do we have any donuts?
Dee: Ugh, no. Your Dad wants to see you by the way.
Lee: Galactica is really far away though! He should just come here
Dee: Oh my frakking gods just go over there!
So Lee waddled over to Galactica to see his dad
Lee: Got anything to eat around here?
Bill: Lee, we need to talk.
Lee: Sure, can we do it while eating though?
Bill: Look Lee, I’ve been having a crap time of it lately. Laura is still on frakking New Caprica with a bunch of cylons, and I’ve been playing with my model vipers all day and I still haven’t come up with a good rescue plan
Lee: Maybe you have performance anxiety
Bill: Frak you. And we’re not hear to talk about me, we’re here to talk about how you are a fatass
Lee: Nuh uh! Shut up, I am not fat! I’m like your size
Bill: No, you aren’t. You’re a tub of lard and it’s frakking embarrassing. I have enough problems without you turning into a tubbo, so hit the gym already
Lee: I don’t have an eating problem!
Bill: I didn’t say you did. Though you do.
Lee: Whatever, I’m just getting in to the Christmas spirit! Lots of food, it’s what Christmas is all about
Bill: Son, you’re practically turning yourself into Santa here. Oh gods, you don’t have some sort of psychological issue do you? You’re not turning yourself into Santa in an effort to rescue Christmas because you’re depressed that your step-mother isn’t here?
Lee: Quit projecting your insane love of Roslin onto everyone around you!
Bill: Are you saying you DON’T love Laura? Are you a cylon? Did your fatassery addle your brain?
Lee: I’m not fat, shut up!
Bill: Gods I need to rescue Laura soon. Well, good talk son. Go try not to eat your way back to Pegasus now.
Next Time on BSG: Laura once again enjoys the hospitality of the Cylon Detention Center. Baltar desperately tries to get Christmas cancelled. D'Anna tries to figure out what this Christmas nonsense is all about. Bill finally comes up with a rescue plan. And the Galactica and Pegasus crews try to plan for battle and throw a Christmas party simultaneously.
Thank you for reading!
All caps from bsg-caps.com and formatted and such by moi. Spoilers up till Unfinished Business.
But first - PLEASE READ!: if you are on my flist you already know about this. For those not on my f-list, my LJ is going to be a BSG spoiler free zone so I'd like to ask that you not include any sort of spoilers for season 4.5 in your comments. I doubt you'd be flailing over spoilers here, but better safe than sorry. Thanks very much guys! And on with the show:
Previously on BSG: After some having some particularly wacky chamalla visions back during Season 1, and seeing that the fleet was in desperate need of a morale booster, Laura declared Christmas an official holiday in the fleet. The fleet faithful decided Christmas was decreed by the Gods (and Laura). The skeptics said Roslin pulled the whole thing out of her ass. Regardless, Christmas became a big hit and involved decorations, presents, eating, copious amounts of alcohol, and a fat man named Santa who took pictures with kids, and gave people presents. But on New Caprica, the cylons decided to ban Christmas. So the Resistance fought for the right to celebrate there drug-induced, made-up holiday and everyone wondered if Galactica would make it back in time to celebrate....
Cylon Occupied New Caprica: 12 Days Till Christmas
Six: “Good King Wencel...Wenlass...Wen..something...blah blah blah...something...feet of Stephen!”
Eight: It’s FEAST not Feet!
Six: How do you know?
Eight: Duh, I have Boomer’s memories from when Roslin established Christmas and made up all these stupid songs!
Six: They aren’t dumb, they are festive! Even if they make no sense. Where was I... da da da FEAST of Stephen. something something blah blah snow. Bright and crisp and even. Brightly shown the AAAHHH!
Boom Boom Splodey
Sam: WOO HOO!! THAT’S RIGHT SKINJOBS! THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO STEAL OUR CHRISTMAS SONGS! FRAK YOU!
Chief: HAHA, YEAH THAT’S HOW WE DO CHRISTMAS GALACTICA STYLE BITCHES!
Sam: CHRISTMAS IS FOR HUMANS! WOO!
Chief: SUCK IT CYLON BITCHES!
Sam: GUESS YOU WON’T BE CAROLING NOW HUH? THAT’S RIGHT!
Chief: Uh, dude we can probably stop now. They’re blown up and all.
Sam: Oh. Right. I guess we can peace out now.
Chief: Good call dude
Sam: *sigh* It’s always so anticlimactic after we blow cylons up.
Sam and Chief went to see how Col. Tigh was doing sans eye
Sam: ‘Sup Colonel
Tigh: ....
Chief: Er, we need to go see Roslin tomorrow and let her know we blew some crap up. Maybe it’ll cheer her up. She hasn’t exactly been filled with glee lately
Sam: Yeah, she’s been filled with badassery and black humor and murderous rage more often than not. We should help her rediscover the spirit of Christmas!
Chief: I oppose Christmas as it is a capitalist holiday that encourages materialism and celebrates the bourgeois status quo.
Sam: Dude you are missing the point of Christmas - it’s all about drinking
Chief: So if the spirit of christmas is all about alcohol, and you want to help Roslin get in to the christmas spirit....
Sam: Then I think we should get her drunk off her ass
Chief: Dude. That is a terrible idea.
Sam: Why? Her life sucks - she spends all day dealing with snotty children and running the resistance and gets arrested by toasters on a regular basis and one of those D’Anna models is practically stalking her...
Chief: Look, Roslin would never get drunk.
She is a super serious at all times.
And she and the admiral are always professional.
No funny business going on there. At all.
ETA: Chief was of course president of the Adama-Roslin Platonic Shippers club, which he founded after hearing some traumatic bits of (hot) conversation on Kobol
Saul: You’re both idiots. And don’t go trying to cheer Roslin up - she’s about 300 times scarier when she’s mad and we need her to keep sticking it to the cylons
Chief: Besides, the Old Man would kill us if we got her drunk
Sam: Well he won’t know cause he isn’t frakking here. She seems pissed at him anyway if that dartboard is anything to go by. It was bad form on his part, stranding his super secret wife here
Chief: Super secret WHAT?
Sam: Never mind.* I’m emo about Kara, don’t feel like talking now
*Kara and Sam got married at the same time as the Roslin-Adamas and were sworn to secrecy about the marriage. Sam had a tendency to blurt out Laura and Bill’s marital status, but most people thought he was drunk and just ignored him*
Chief: Whatev dude, Starbuck is probably terrorizing cylons as we speak. Colonel, are you gonna talk or not? Quit siting around being emo
Saul: I. Just. Lost. My. Frakking. Eye. You. Frakker. I. Am. Not. In. The. Mood.
Sam: You need some Christmas spirit too colonel!
Saul: If by that you mean booze, then yes, yes I do.
Meanwhile over at Stockholm Syndrome Villas...
Leoben: I cooked a practice Christmas dinner sweetums! Go on and try some!
Kara: ....
Leoben: It looks delicious! And Christmassy!
Kara: Why are you serving Christmas dinner? The cylons banned it.
Leoben: I’m being respectful of your pagan traditions so that you will like me better and will stop attacking me all the time. I’m getting paranoid - I never know when you’re going to jump out from around a corner with some sort of sharp object
Kara: I need some help cutting my delicious Christmas dinner
Leoben: Oh hooray, you do like it! Ow. ow ow ow.
Kara: Merry Christmas mother-frakker!
Over on Colonial One, The Cylons were getting concerned about this Christmas business and D’Anna was having trouble managing her fellow cylons
Cylons: rabble rabble rabble rabble!
D’Anna: *Ok, deep breath. I can manage these idiots. Just channel Laura’s awesome...what would Laura Roslin do...*
D’Anna: I will AIRLOCK the next person who speaks.
Cavil: Who the frak put you in charge? And an airlock threat isn’t effective when you aren’t in space!
D’Anna: Damn. What are you morons arguing about anyway?
Caprica and Boomer: We should embrace Christmas!
Dorals: NO, it is a stupid human holiday!
Cavil: It makes the humans happy and we can’t have that. Let’s make Christmas public execution day instead!
Baltar: If I may, I doubt anyone will want to celebrate this year. Roslin made the whole thing up when she was president and since she’s not president anymore I doubt anyone will care about it!
Boomer: You are a frakking moron.
Caprica: Gaius, that was stupid even for you. Stop talking.
D’Anna: We aren’t doing Christmas and neither are the humans. End of story. Anyone caught celebrating Christmas will be taken into space so we can airlock them! So there. And we are going to start up a human police force to help us crack down on Christmas celebrators. And to take over the Laura Roslin arrest schedule - she’s scared too many cylons, no one wants to be in charge of her anymore.
Caprica: Why are we still bothering arresting Roslin? It’s getting ridiculous
D’Anna: It is not! We’ll stop when she admits how I am as awesome as she is!
Caprica: Dream on girlfriend
D’Anna would have a long time to wait for that wish to come true as Laura was not in the mood to humor anyone
Tory: So, how was your stay in detention ma’am?
Laura: Seriously?
Tory: I’m just trying to make polite conversation
Laura: Whatev, are those the latest lists?
Tory: Yeah, lots of humans are getting on board with the police force thing. They’re betraying the spirit of Christmas! And you know, humanity.
Laura: Well they’ll soon regret that decision. I plan on tracking every last one of them down and glaring at them.
Tory: Yikes. If that won’t deter people, I don’t know what will.
Laura: *sigh* Go peace out now Tory. I’m going to bitch to Bill some more in my journal and then I’m going to meditate and look pretty for a while before I got yell at Sam and and Chief for slacking on the explosives.
Tory: Good plan ma’am.
Far away In Space, Lee and Dee were having a super serious discussion
Lee: nom nom nom. Dee, we’re frakking running out of nuts! Go to the black market and get me some more!
Dee: Oh my gods, no. Go get them yourself!
Lee: But it’s a really far walk!
Dee: You could use the exercise!
Lee: Uh, what are you implying exactly? I look pretty good, I don’t need to exercise
Dee: You are the fattest person in the entire fleet!
Lee: No way, that is not possible. I’m Lee Adama, I’m super hot!
Dee: Well you frakking WERE. I can’t believe I married you...
Lee: nom nom nom
Dee: Lee, move! Your leg is on my report!
Lee: I'm comfortable. Just shove it over
Dee: I can't, you leg weighs like 90 pounds!
Lee: Whatev. Do we have any donuts?
Dee: Ugh, no. Your Dad wants to see you by the way.
Lee: Galactica is really far away though! He should just come here
Dee: Oh my frakking gods just go over there!
So Lee waddled over to Galactica to see his dad
Lee: Got anything to eat around here?
Bill: Lee, we need to talk.
Lee: Sure, can we do it while eating though?
Bill: Look Lee, I’ve been having a crap time of it lately. Laura is still on frakking New Caprica with a bunch of cylons, and I’ve been playing with my model vipers all day and I still haven’t come up with a good rescue plan
Lee: Maybe you have performance anxiety
Bill: Frak you. And we’re not hear to talk about me, we’re here to talk about how you are a fatass
Lee: Nuh uh! Shut up, I am not fat! I’m like your size
Bill: No, you aren’t. You’re a tub of lard and it’s frakking embarrassing. I have enough problems without you turning into a tubbo, so hit the gym already
Lee: I don’t have an eating problem!
Bill: I didn’t say you did. Though you do.
Lee: Whatever, I’m just getting in to the Christmas spirit! Lots of food, it’s what Christmas is all about
Bill: Son, you’re practically turning yourself into Santa here. Oh gods, you don’t have some sort of psychological issue do you? You’re not turning yourself into Santa in an effort to rescue Christmas because you’re depressed that your step-mother isn’t here?
Lee: Quit projecting your insane love of Roslin onto everyone around you!
Bill: Are you saying you DON’T love Laura? Are you a cylon? Did your fatassery addle your brain?
Lee: I’m not fat, shut up!
Bill: Gods I need to rescue Laura soon. Well, good talk son. Go try not to eat your way back to Pegasus now.
Next Time on BSG: Laura once again enjoys the hospitality of the Cylon Detention Center. Baltar desperately tries to get Christmas cancelled. D'Anna tries to figure out what this Christmas nonsense is all about. Bill finally comes up with a rescue plan. And the Galactica and Pegasus crews try to plan for battle and throw a Christmas party simultaneously.
Thank you for reading!