What the Frak Happened on BSG - Seasons 3 and 4
Here is season 3 and 4.0 of my What the Frak Happened re-cap! Still narrated by the ghost of Billy. Hooray. Thanks very much to everyone who's read my little re-caps and I hope you enjoy the last part.
Also - HAPPY BSG DAY EVERYONE! Friday is now officially renamed BSG DAY, all caps natch, to express flaily joy. :-)
Billy: And now for seasons 3 and 4, where Laura Roslin and Bill Adama were still mega awesome. As per usual.
Anyway, now we get to jump forward in time! It's very exciting! Except that it was more sucky than exciting, given the Cylons and all. This is par for the course on BSG though, so moving right along.
Before we go to THE FUTURE I'll fill you in on what happened in the missing year in 2 seconds, using Omniscient Ghost Magic!
So everyone settled on New Caprica, except for the Adama men and the now Mrs. Adama (grumble) who stayed on their battlestars. In this time Chief married Cally and they had a kid.
My space parents go drunk and high and got a lot “closer” if you know what I’m saying. (They cuddled outside!)
Starbuck slept with Apollo, then promptly went and married Sam Anders, (hahaha) whom she had rescued during the Election of Doom era.
At least then Lee knew what it felt like to have someone you love reject you for a hotter dude. AND IT SUCKS, DOESN’T IT LEE?
Then Lee got really really fat. Have fun with that Dee.
hahaha.
The cylons showed up (duh) and occupied the planet. And Baltar surrendered in like 5 seconds. WORST PRESIDENT EVER. So Saul Tigh and my space mom teamed up to head a resistance movement. Their strategy was to blow shit up and to be hardcore. They were wildly successful in their agenda. My space mom got tossed in jail (EPIC FAIL CYLONS AND BALTAR) some and it was really crappy overall for everyone, and especially for Starbuck who had to live with Leoben the whole time and listen to his emo ramblings, which put Lee’s to shame.
But the Admiral came back to rescue everyone (really my space mom) and it was pretty frakking awesome.
So some other crap happened which included the Fighting Agathon’s getting their magical baby back from the Evil Cylons, my space parents flirting and fighting and flirting some more, the Love Quadrangle of Doom and Tediousness, and Baltar returning to the fleet, only to experience the extreme interrogation tactics of the fleet leaders.
The Fighting Agathons!
Scary Interrogation Techniques! If my space mom ever yelled at me like that, I'd just toss myself out an airlock.
Interrogation made my space mom le tired, but luckily the Admiral had a rack available.
Doomy Love Quadrangle Shenanigans. Here's my solution: everyone put your name in a hat. Then draw out two. Those two will now be a couple. The end. Or here's another thought: HEY LEE AND STARBUCK, STOP ACTING DOUCHY AND GET DIVORCES ALREADY! AND HEY SAM AND DEE, QUIT ENABLING THEM, YOU TOOLS! Zeus on a Cracker, as my space mommy would say.
D'Anna, the Crazy Cylon, saw the faces of the Final Five Super Seekrit Cylons too. It was pretty magical. Then she got boxed. So long, D'Anna.
Final Five Magic!
Also, the humans and the cylons all reunited on this funky planet that featured some of Starbuck’s nifty artwork or something and everyone got some Clues about the location of Earth.
It's a clue! Though a sucky one - I mean, as I am now omniscient I can safely say that nothing out in space actually looks like that.
Madam Prez decided to put Baltar on trial for his crimes against humanity, which were considerable. The trial went on and on and on and everyone in the known universe testified and Lee decided he was a lawyer and behaved like a giant punkass. I hope his Dad grounded him after this. He outed my space mom’s secretly returned cancer on the stand! It was super mean!
Baltar thought he was Jesus or something (since I’m dead and omniscient I know all about Earth now too guys. And Baltar totally had Jesus hair). The jury voted to acquit after Lee confused them all with some spiel about choosing to survive and being moral, which I would be down with if he hadn’t been a punk to my space mommy earlier.
This jury included the Admiral and my space mom was none too pleased about his part in the verdict.
And then we met 4 more Cylons! Tigh, Chief, Sam, and Tory (haha). It was pretty rad. Look who’s the better assistant now, Tory! Suck it.
Ok so Starbuck had also “died” before the trial, which I didn’t mention because she totally wasn’t dead and like, a monkey could have figured that one out. So Starbuck returned in her Not!Blown-Up Viper and Leeland was like “huh?” Leeland had decided that he was temporarily a pilot once again. PICK A CAREER ALREADY, GODS.
Not!Dead
And Starbuck was like “WE’RE GOING THE WRONG WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!” And everyone else was like, calm down Cylon/Zombie/Whatever.
My space mom didn’t trust Starbuck and Starbuck didn’t help matters after breaking into my space mom and dad’s now SHARED quarters (woo!) and holding her at gunpoint. Starbuck then stupidly gave my space mom the gun and my space mom promptly took a shot at her. Her aim sucked at least, but still.
Here is my space mom's "zomg you woke me up from an awesome nap, you whore" face.
My space mom is frakking scary even with bad aim.
You can tell the Admiral and the President have been together for awhile now because they often have matching facial expressions. Here are their patented "WTF Do Not Want" faces.
The Admiral got really mad at Starbuck after this and as punishment he sent her off on a Garbage ship with the fighting Agathons, Gaeta, Sam, and some other peeps and told her to find Earth or else.
Apparently, while there was no air conditioning on this ship, there was a vast amount of paint supplies for Kara and her Emo Artwork.
Then he got drunk and had a nasty argument with my space mommy and I almost came back from the great beyond to kick his ass. Unfortunately he could probably kill me a second time so I settled for glaring at him REALLY REALLY HARD. But the Admiral is cool and felt bad about things and he made it up to my space mommy.
My space mommy was doing chemo and was having a crap time of it, but the Admiral read to her and they totally bonded even more and it was really sweet, I’ll admit it.
The Dylan 4 met secretly during this time and increasingly freaked out. Tory was the freakiest of all since she joined Baltar’s Harem, airlocked Cally, and was a bit of a punk to Madam Prez. Lame.
Chief was a close second since he lost his shit with the Admiral and got himself demoted and then decided to shave his head and started jumping rope.
And let’s not forget Colonel Tigh’s extensive freak out, which involved homicidal hallucinations and impregnating Caprica Six (bwuh??). I’m still confused by that one.
So the Cylons were having problems during all this and a civil war broke out with the Leobens, the Eights and the Sixes one side and those....other Cylons on the other side. So the cool Cylons decided to form an alliance with the humans.
My space mom was also dealing with Baltarism at the time, and she was asking Big Questions about life and the universe and such.
As far as I can tell, Baltarism is all about a one true god, human perfection, and lots of harem!sex. My space mommy found this questionable, especially the last bit.
My space mommy also continued to have some visions, wherein she had amazing hair. And they were profound and stuff, blah blah. But mainly, the hair.
Kara met some Cylons and got introduced to the hybrid, who babbled on about Doom and Destruction and Kara’s Special Destiny.
Kara's Destiny, it is Special.
Then Athena went bonkers and offed Natalie, the Cylon Ambassador, and the Hybrid went bonkers and jumped off with Baltar, my space mom, Helo, and some pilots on board. Whoops. And then the Quoroum went bonkers and allowed Lee to be president temporarily. Yeesh. EVERYONE WAS BONKERS.
My space mom went on a vision quest and met up with Elosha again (hi, Elosha!) and saw THE FUTURE! But not really cause it involved dying. That does not compute. She also nursed, tried to kill, then saved Baltar after he caught some exploding!centurion in the stomach, and got psyched by an un-boxed D'Anna who told her that she was a cylon, all while coming to terms with the fact that she was totally in love with the Admiral and that he effectively proposed to her on her vision!death bed. Bravo, space mom. She always was a multitasker.
Meanwhile the Admiral kind of lost his shit and totally resigned in order to run off and wait for my space mommy (and his One True Love) to return. It was romantic. And then they were epically reunited.
Except then they weren’t cause the Cylons decided to keep Madam Prez as a hostage. And the Dylan 4 were outed and the whole time Interim President Leeland Adama was running things. Ye Gods. But then my space mom came back and got her job back, kthnx.
And we totally found Earth! Hooray!
Except Earth sucked. Boo.
And now you know what the frak is going on.
Also - HAPPY BSG DAY EVERYONE! Friday is now officially renamed BSG DAY, all caps natch, to express flaily joy. :-)
Billy: And now for seasons 3 and 4, where Laura Roslin and Bill Adama were still mega awesome. As per usual.
Anyway, now we get to jump forward in time! It's very exciting! Except that it was more sucky than exciting, given the Cylons and all. This is par for the course on BSG though, so moving right along.
Before we go to THE FUTURE I'll fill you in on what happened in the missing year in 2 seconds, using Omniscient Ghost Magic!
So everyone settled on New Caprica, except for the Adama men and the now Mrs. Adama (grumble) who stayed on their battlestars. In this time Chief married Cally and they had a kid.
My space parents go drunk and high and got a lot “closer” if you know what I’m saying. (They cuddled outside!)
Starbuck slept with Apollo, then promptly went and married Sam Anders, (hahaha) whom she had rescued during the Election of Doom era.
At least then Lee knew what it felt like to have someone you love reject you for a hotter dude. AND IT SUCKS, DOESN’T IT LEE?
Then Lee got really really fat. Have fun with that Dee.
hahaha.
The cylons showed up (duh) and occupied the planet. And Baltar surrendered in like 5 seconds. WORST PRESIDENT EVER. So Saul Tigh and my space mom teamed up to head a resistance movement. Their strategy was to blow shit up and to be hardcore. They were wildly successful in their agenda. My space mom got tossed in jail (EPIC FAIL CYLONS AND BALTAR) some and it was really crappy overall for everyone, and especially for Starbuck who had to live with Leoben the whole time and listen to his emo ramblings, which put Lee’s to shame.
But the Admiral came back to rescue everyone (really my space mom) and it was pretty frakking awesome.
So some other crap happened which included the Fighting Agathon’s getting their magical baby back from the Evil Cylons, my space parents flirting and fighting and flirting some more, the Love Quadrangle of Doom and Tediousness, and Baltar returning to the fleet, only to experience the extreme interrogation tactics of the fleet leaders.
The Fighting Agathons!
Scary Interrogation Techniques! If my space mom ever yelled at me like that, I'd just toss myself out an airlock.
Interrogation made my space mom le tired, but luckily the Admiral had a rack available.
Doomy Love Quadrangle Shenanigans. Here's my solution: everyone put your name in a hat. Then draw out two. Those two will now be a couple. The end. Or here's another thought: HEY LEE AND STARBUCK, STOP ACTING DOUCHY AND GET DIVORCES ALREADY! AND HEY SAM AND DEE, QUIT ENABLING THEM, YOU TOOLS! Zeus on a Cracker, as my space mommy would say.
D'Anna, the Crazy Cylon, saw the faces of the Final Five Super Seekrit Cylons too. It was pretty magical. Then she got boxed. So long, D'Anna.
Final Five Magic!
Also, the humans and the cylons all reunited on this funky planet that featured some of Starbuck’s nifty artwork or something and everyone got some Clues about the location of Earth.
It's a clue! Though a sucky one - I mean, as I am now omniscient I can safely say that nothing out in space actually looks like that.
Madam Prez decided to put Baltar on trial for his crimes against humanity, which were considerable. The trial went on and on and on and everyone in the known universe testified and Lee decided he was a lawyer and behaved like a giant punkass. I hope his Dad grounded him after this. He outed my space mom’s secretly returned cancer on the stand! It was super mean!
Baltar thought he was Jesus or something (since I’m dead and omniscient I know all about Earth now too guys. And Baltar totally had Jesus hair). The jury voted to acquit after Lee confused them all with some spiel about choosing to survive and being moral, which I would be down with if he hadn’t been a punk to my space mommy earlier.
This jury included the Admiral and my space mom was none too pleased about his part in the verdict.
And then we met 4 more Cylons! Tigh, Chief, Sam, and Tory (haha). It was pretty rad. Look who’s the better assistant now, Tory! Suck it.
Ok so Starbuck had also “died” before the trial, which I didn’t mention because she totally wasn’t dead and like, a monkey could have figured that one out. So Starbuck returned in her Not!Blown-Up Viper and Leeland was like “huh?” Leeland had decided that he was temporarily a pilot once again. PICK A CAREER ALREADY, GODS.
Not!Dead
And Starbuck was like “WE’RE GOING THE WRONG WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!” And everyone else was like, calm down Cylon/Zombie/Whatever.
My space mom didn’t trust Starbuck and Starbuck didn’t help matters after breaking into my space mom and dad’s now SHARED quarters (woo!) and holding her at gunpoint. Starbuck then stupidly gave my space mom the gun and my space mom promptly took a shot at her. Her aim sucked at least, but still.
Here is my space mom's "zomg you woke me up from an awesome nap, you whore" face.
My space mom is frakking scary even with bad aim.
You can tell the Admiral and the President have been together for awhile now because they often have matching facial expressions. Here are their patented "WTF Do Not Want" faces.
The Admiral got really mad at Starbuck after this and as punishment he sent her off on a Garbage ship with the fighting Agathons, Gaeta, Sam, and some other peeps and told her to find Earth or else.
Apparently, while there was no air conditioning on this ship, there was a vast amount of paint supplies for Kara and her Emo Artwork.
Then he got drunk and had a nasty argument with my space mommy and I almost came back from the great beyond to kick his ass. Unfortunately he could probably kill me a second time so I settled for glaring at him REALLY REALLY HARD. But the Admiral is cool and felt bad about things and he made it up to my space mommy.
My space mommy was doing chemo and was having a crap time of it, but the Admiral read to her and they totally bonded even more and it was really sweet, I’ll admit it.
The Dylan 4 met secretly during this time and increasingly freaked out. Tory was the freakiest of all since she joined Baltar’s Harem, airlocked Cally, and was a bit of a punk to Madam Prez. Lame.
Chief was a close second since he lost his shit with the Admiral and got himself demoted and then decided to shave his head and started jumping rope.
And let’s not forget Colonel Tigh’s extensive freak out, which involved homicidal hallucinations and impregnating Caprica Six (bwuh??). I’m still confused by that one.
So the Cylons were having problems during all this and a civil war broke out with the Leobens, the Eights and the Sixes one side and those....other Cylons on the other side. So the cool Cylons decided to form an alliance with the humans.
My space mom was also dealing with Baltarism at the time, and she was asking Big Questions about life and the universe and such.
As far as I can tell, Baltarism is all about a one true god, human perfection, and lots of harem!sex. My space mommy found this questionable, especially the last bit.
My space mommy also continued to have some visions, wherein she had amazing hair. And they were profound and stuff, blah blah. But mainly, the hair.
Kara met some Cylons and got introduced to the hybrid, who babbled on about Doom and Destruction and Kara’s Special Destiny.
Kara's Destiny, it is Special.
Then Athena went bonkers and offed Natalie, the Cylon Ambassador, and the Hybrid went bonkers and jumped off with Baltar, my space mom, Helo, and some pilots on board. Whoops. And then the Quoroum went bonkers and allowed Lee to be president temporarily. Yeesh. EVERYONE WAS BONKERS.
My space mom went on a vision quest and met up with Elosha again (hi, Elosha!) and saw THE FUTURE! But not really cause it involved dying. That does not compute. She also nursed, tried to kill, then saved Baltar after he caught some exploding!centurion in the stomach, and got psyched by an un-boxed D'Anna who told her that she was a cylon, all while coming to terms with the fact that she was totally in love with the Admiral and that he effectively proposed to her on her vision!death bed. Bravo, space mom. She always was a multitasker.
Meanwhile the Admiral kind of lost his shit and totally resigned in order to run off and wait for my space mommy (and his One True Love) to return. It was romantic. And then they were epically reunited.
Except then they weren’t cause the Cylons decided to keep Madam Prez as a hostage. And the Dylan 4 were outed and the whole time Interim President Leeland Adama was running things. Ye Gods. But then my space mom came back and got her job back, kthnx.
And we totally found Earth! Hooray!
Except Earth sucked. Boo.
And now you know what the frak is going on.