Supernatural: the fast and the furious 2
So you were planning on getting those S2 DVDs to re-watch but you spent all your money on booze and cheap women, and spent all you time trying to get on fandom_wank and practising your Chris Kane impersonation for Wincon (the drinking not the singing) and… oh wait that was me.
in case you missed it, you can get a Season One quickie here
2.01 The one where John makes up for being a crappy dad
SAM: Dean, I can see right through you.
DEAN: Crap.
REAPER: What’s dead should stay dead.
DEMON: *jazz hands*
DAD (whispers): Save the cheerleader! Save the world!
DEAN: WTF?
DAD: Crap.
2.02 The one that confirms that clowns are not your friend
DEAN: *cries in a silent manly way*
SAM: Dean, you need to share your grief.
DEAN: Hello, you cute blonde thing.
ASH (flicks mullet): Well, hi handsome.
JO: *clears throat*
ELLEN: Fancy some MILF action?
IMPALA: Crap.
2.03 The one with the Impala back in black
DEAN: Hey Gordon, want to be BFFs?
SAM: *bitchface*
LENORE: Hi, I’m a vampire, which is sorta ironic since I was on this other show about vampires. Except there I was a lesbian. And not a vampire. And I died.
2.04 The one with implied necrophilia
DEAN: What’s dead should stay dead. Most of the time.
SAM: Porn makes me want to touch myself
DEAN: *cries in a silent manly way*
2.05 The one with the Awesome Andy and his mega bong and his van with the Barbarian Queen riding a polar bear on it.
ASH: I have no pants, I need no pants.
ANSEEM: YED has a Venn diagram and a pie chart for us and all the children like us.
ANDY: I has evil twin? Someone pack that bong for me.
ANSEEM: Crap.
2.06 The one where Sam goes for coffee - for most of the episode.
JO: Why do the fangirls hate me so? Is it my vagina?
ELLEN: Their daddy shot your daddy in the head.
2.07 The one with that chick who was in The Exorcist
DEAN: Oh Sammy, you are a red-haired woman!
SAM: Will someone please stop Kim Manners editing the scripts?
DEAN: Hi wall, long time no see.
2.08 The one where we find out that crossroads demons have really nice boobs
ROBERT JOHNSON: *strums guitar* Crap.
DEAN: Let’s make a deal! Or not.
CROSSROADS DEMON: Crap.
2.09 The one with the demon virus that didn’t make much sense but was awesome anyway.
SAM: Leave me Dean, I’m going to die.
DEAN: I want to die too!
SAM: So - are you going to kill me and then kill yourself, or what til the virus turns me evil and I kill you or what?
DEAN: I hadn’t really thought it through.
2.10 The one with another Special Kid and the return of Dean’s ex-BFF
SAM: Whatever burden you’re carrying, share it with me, Dean.
DEAN: Dad said you might be evil and I might have to kill you. And something about a cheerleader.
SAM (sticks fingers in ears): lalalalala. Not listening!
2.11 The one with the visual homage to The Shining and another scary little girl
SAM: Dean, you’ve got to promise…
DEAN: No way!
SAM: Please, Dean.
DEAN: Okay, I’ll hold your hair back if you puke.
2.12 The one with the most awesome music ending ever in the history of television.
RON: Mandroids!
DEAN: Okey-dokie!
SAM: *pissy face*
RON: Crap.
RANDOM GUY: Crap.
SHAPESHIFTER IN LINGERIE: Crap.
SWAT TEAM: Crap!
2.13 The one where they finally talk about SpongeBob Squarepants God.
SAM: I believe, Dean.
DEAN: In the Lord Our God, who gave his only son, so whosoever believed in him would not perish but have everlasting life?
SAM: No, I believe that if I gave you a bag of quarters and a pie you’d stay on that bed for a week.
2.14 The one with very sexy evil!Sam
SERA GAMBLE: I like Sam the best when he’s on the verge of raping Jo…
FANGIRLS: (scribbles on back of envelope to hastily reconcile sexual arousal due to non-consensual, sexually violent scene with feminist sensibilities): Agree!
2.15 The one that made purple nurples popular
SAMandDEAN: Bobby, we need some of you Dr Phil magic!
BOBBY: *grumbles in his beard* More like Jerry Springer, you red-neck gay incest lovin’ freaks.
2.16 The one where the chick from Battlestar Galactica is less blonde and less hot looking than usual
DEAN: So “saving people; hunting things” is now “killing things expect when they’re not evil or at least trying to be not evil and saving people most of the time, except when they’re evil”
SAM: Yep.
DEAN: Damn you and your college learnings for replacing my moral absolutism with your ethical relativism and positing that my subjective morality expresses true authenticity.
2.17 The one that that makes us think about Jared’s puppies
DEAN: Rock, paper, crap!
MADISON: You’re the one taking me from behind and biting me, and I’m the animal?
SAM: What can I say? I’m a dawg…
MADISON: Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
DEAN: *cries in a silent manly way*
MADISON: Crap.
2.18 The one where Kripke gives the finger to the network execs and Dawn Ostroff still renews the show for a third season.
SAM: …and that’s Luke’s and over there is where I kissed Rory for the first time. *sniffle* I was a perfect boyfriend; I don’t know why she didn’t love me.
DEAN: WTF?
2.19 The one with the prison that was funnier than OZ and sexier than Prison Break
SAM: I hate being in prison.
DEAN: Free food, snazzy orange jumpsuits that show off my figure, frequent cavity searches, and everyone thinks I’m cute. What’s not to love?
TINY: Crap.
2.20 The one that broke our hearts
DEAN: If Mom never died, you and me would've never gone hunting, and you and me never, you know.
SAM: Yeah. Well, I'm glad we did.
WINCEST FANGIRLS: WE TOLD YOU SO!
2.21 The one where Sam dies in Dean’s arms and even though we know he’s not really dead we cry anyway
SAM: It’s not love Dean, it’s just pie.
DEAN: SAM!
SAM: WTF?
SPECIAL CHILDREN: Hi Sam!
ROADHOUSE CREW: Crap!
AVA: Mine is an evil laugh.
LILY: Crap.
ANDY: Crap.
AVA: Crap.
YED: I have an animated PowerPoint presentation for you and all the children like you.
DEAN: SAM!
SAM: Crap
2.22 The one where Dean ignores the fact that what’s dead should stay dead
DEAN: What’s dead should stay dead. Unless it’s my Sammy.
CROSSROADS DEMON: I’ve got boobs.
DEAN: Here, have my soul.
CROSSROADS DEMON: Don’t you need it?
DEAN: Nah, it’ll give us something to do next season seeing we’ve killed off all plotlines from this season.
BOBBY: You boys.
ELLEN: I went out for pretzels. Really.
SAM: Hey Jake.
JAKE: Crap.
YED: Showtime!
DAD: Fuck you.
YED: Crap.
SAM: Dean, did I die?
DEAN: Only a little bit. C’mon, we’ve got a hero’s path to follow!
SAM: And people to save and things to hunt?
DEAN: *grins*
ONE DAY TO GO PEOPLES - SEE YA ON THE FLIPSIDE!
in case you missed it, you can get a Season One quickie here
2.01 The one where John makes up for being a crappy dad
SAM: Dean, I can see right through you.
DEAN: Crap.
REAPER: What’s dead should stay dead.
DEMON: *jazz hands*
DAD (whispers): Save the cheerleader! Save the world!
DEAN: WTF?
DAD: Crap.
2.02 The one that confirms that clowns are not your friend
DEAN: *cries in a silent manly way*
SAM: Dean, you need to share your grief.
DEAN: Hello, you cute blonde thing.
ASH (flicks mullet): Well, hi handsome.
JO: *clears throat*
ELLEN: Fancy some MILF action?
IMPALA: Crap.
2.03 The one with the Impala back in black
DEAN: Hey Gordon, want to be BFFs?
SAM: *bitchface*
LENORE: Hi, I’m a vampire, which is sorta ironic since I was on this other show about vampires. Except there I was a lesbian. And not a vampire. And I died.
2.04 The one with implied necrophilia
DEAN: What’s dead should stay dead. Most of the time.
SAM: Porn makes me want to touch myself
DEAN: *cries in a silent manly way*
2.05 The one with the Awesome Andy and his mega bong and his van with the Barbarian Queen riding a polar bear on it.
ASH: I have no pants, I need no pants.
ANSEEM: YED has a Venn diagram and a pie chart for us and all the children like us.
ANDY: I has evil twin? Someone pack that bong for me.
ANSEEM: Crap.
2.06 The one where Sam goes for coffee - for most of the episode.
JO: Why do the fangirls hate me so? Is it my vagina?
ELLEN: Their daddy shot your daddy in the head.
2.07 The one with that chick who was in The Exorcist
DEAN: Oh Sammy, you are a red-haired woman!
SAM: Will someone please stop Kim Manners editing the scripts?
DEAN: Hi wall, long time no see.
2.08 The one where we find out that crossroads demons have really nice boobs
ROBERT JOHNSON: *strums guitar* Crap.
DEAN: Let’s make a deal! Or not.
CROSSROADS DEMON: Crap.
2.09 The one with the demon virus that didn’t make much sense but was awesome anyway.
SAM: Leave me Dean, I’m going to die.
DEAN: I want to die too!
SAM: So - are you going to kill me and then kill yourself, or what til the virus turns me evil and I kill you or what?
DEAN: I hadn’t really thought it through.
2.10 The one with another Special Kid and the return of Dean’s ex-BFF
SAM: Whatever burden you’re carrying, share it with me, Dean.
DEAN: Dad said you might be evil and I might have to kill you. And something about a cheerleader.
SAM (sticks fingers in ears): lalalalala. Not listening!
2.11 The one with the visual homage to The Shining and another scary little girl
SAM: Dean, you’ve got to promise…
DEAN: No way!
SAM: Please, Dean.
DEAN: Okay, I’ll hold your hair back if you puke.
2.12 The one with the most awesome music ending ever in the history of television.
RON: Mandroids!
DEAN: Okey-dokie!
SAM: *pissy face*
RON: Crap.
RANDOM GUY: Crap.
SHAPESHIFTER IN LINGERIE: Crap.
SWAT TEAM: Crap!
2.13 The one where they finally talk about SpongeBob Squarepants God.
SAM: I believe, Dean.
DEAN: In the Lord Our God, who gave his only son, so whosoever believed in him would not perish but have everlasting life?
SAM: No, I believe that if I gave you a bag of quarters and a pie you’d stay on that bed for a week.
2.14 The one with very sexy evil!Sam
SERA GAMBLE: I like Sam the best when he’s on the verge of raping Jo…
FANGIRLS: (scribbles on back of envelope to hastily reconcile sexual arousal due to non-consensual, sexually violent scene with feminist sensibilities): Agree!
2.15 The one that made purple nurples popular
SAMandDEAN: Bobby, we need some of you Dr Phil magic!
BOBBY: *grumbles in his beard* More like Jerry Springer, you red-neck gay incest lovin’ freaks.
2.16 The one where the chick from Battlestar Galactica is less blonde and less hot looking than usual
DEAN: So “saving people; hunting things” is now “killing things expect when they’re not evil or at least trying to be not evil and saving people most of the time, except when they’re evil”
SAM: Yep.
DEAN: Damn you and your college learnings for replacing my moral absolutism with your ethical relativism and positing that my subjective morality expresses true authenticity.
2.17 The one that that makes us think about Jared’s puppies
DEAN: Rock, paper, crap!
MADISON: You’re the one taking me from behind and biting me, and I’m the animal?
SAM: What can I say? I’m a dawg…
MADISON: Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
DEAN: *cries in a silent manly way*
MADISON: Crap.
2.18 The one where Kripke gives the finger to the network execs and Dawn Ostroff still renews the show for a third season.
SAM: …and that’s Luke’s and over there is where I kissed Rory for the first time. *sniffle* I was a perfect boyfriend; I don’t know why she didn’t love me.
DEAN: WTF?
2.19 The one with the prison that was funnier than OZ and sexier than Prison Break
SAM: I hate being in prison.
DEAN: Free food, snazzy orange jumpsuits that show off my figure, frequent cavity searches, and everyone thinks I’m cute. What’s not to love?
TINY: Crap.
2.20 The one that broke our hearts
DEAN: If Mom never died, you and me would've never gone hunting, and you and me never, you know.
SAM: Yeah. Well, I'm glad we did.
WINCEST FANGIRLS: WE TOLD YOU SO!
2.21 The one where Sam dies in Dean’s arms and even though we know he’s not really dead we cry anyway
SAM: It’s not love Dean, it’s just pie.
DEAN: SAM!
SAM: WTF?
SPECIAL CHILDREN: Hi Sam!
ROADHOUSE CREW: Crap!
AVA: Mine is an evil laugh.
LILY: Crap.
ANDY: Crap.
AVA: Crap.
YED: I have an animated PowerPoint presentation for you and all the children like you.
DEAN: SAM!
SAM: Crap
2.22 The one where Dean ignores the fact that what’s dead should stay dead
DEAN: What’s dead should stay dead. Unless it’s my Sammy.
CROSSROADS DEMON: I’ve got boobs.
DEAN: Here, have my soul.
CROSSROADS DEMON: Don’t you need it?
DEAN: Nah, it’ll give us something to do next season seeing we’ve killed off all plotlines from this season.
BOBBY: You boys.
ELLEN: I went out for pretzels. Really.
SAM: Hey Jake.
JAKE: Crap.
YED: Showtime!
DAD: Fuck you.
YED: Crap.
SAM: Dean, did I die?
DEAN: Only a little bit. C’mon, we’ve got a hero’s path to follow!
SAM: And people to save and things to hunt?
DEAN: *grins*
ONE DAY TO GO PEOPLES - SEE YA ON THE FLIPSIDE!