Memo from the desk of Azazael
Title: Memo from the desk of Azazael
Author: missyjack
Rating: R
Characters: Azazael, vague implied Sam/Dean
Genre: crack, implied Wincest in a funny way (coz I want you to read it even if you’re not into the Wincesting)
Words: 492
Spoilers: up to Crossroads
Disclaimer: Hey Kripke - possession is nine tenths of the law. Ask any demon.
Summary: After the events of Crossroads, policy has to be enforced in the Special Hell
Special Hell Inc.
Memo
To: All Crossroads Demons
From: Azazael
CC: Management Team Bargaining Department; Kel'Thuzad; Beelzebub
Date: December 5, 2006
Re: Policy guidance on appropriate behaviour during bargaining
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Reminder of workplace policy
It has been bought to my attention that some crossroads demons have been using unacceptable various forms of sexual acts to seal bargains.
I draw your attention to the Bargaining Section of the Special Hell Policy and Procedure Manual.
The Introduction states:
The Special Hell is committed to maintaining a negative work and living environment in both the human realm and all hell dimensions as well as associated portions of the afterlife.
The Special Hell does not discriminate on the basis of species, race, color, national origin, sex, age, disability, creed, religion, musical tastes, sexual orientation, or veteran status in access to bargains or contracts relating to the transfer of ownership of life force, souls or karma points.
Further in Section 4.5.666:
In the Act of making a Bargain, Best Practice dictates that a demon is required to use one or more of the following techniques:
· Nasty allusions to hair style or ass size;
· Taunting related to fashion sense, fandom ship preferences or choice of ice cream flavor
· Aspersions, casting thereof, on the virtue of the individual’s parent/s; grammatical prowess or skill at World of Warcraft
· Sexual advances, verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature, or viewing of Paris Hilton’s DVD
· Physical threats, aka evil monologuing, describing in detail excruciating torture methods which could be deployed including the use pokers (hot), dismemberment by sporking, playing of Kevin Federline songs and non con watching of re-runs of Seventh Heaven
REMEMBER:
NO ACTUAL PHYSICAL HARM MAY BE CAUSED IN PURSUIT OF A BARGAIN.
IF YOU BRUISE IT; YOU LOSE IT!!
Remember demons - we are evil. Some of you have been using pretty pissy techniques. I specifically refer to:
· Blowing a raspberry and saying “you smell, no you do.” If you need help with insults - do some research. That’s what Wikipedia is for.
· Bartering is fine but ensure the worth of what you are getting. Restoring life force is worth more than a soul and a dodgy handgun. Check on eBay first folks.
· Taking the form of an attractive young woman with a nice rack and sealing a bargain with a big tonguey. Sexual violation? Not in my book sweet cheeks. While the human in question did seem slightly perturbed - he’s buttfucking his brother for Satan’s sake!!!
Speak to your Supervisor if you need additional Professional Development. The next Insensitivity Training Course will be held next Thursday in the Training Room next to the Sulfur Pits. Our special guest speakers will be Michael Richards and Mel Gibson.
Please remember there will be another LJ Fangirl Tour of the Special Hell tomorrow morning. Please make them welcome, they keep us in business.
Azazael
Inhuman Resources Manager,
Corporate Services Section
e: azazael@specialhell.underworld.org