Over Twenty Percent

[mister_troper]

Title: Over Twenty Percent
Genre: Fiction
Word Count: 398
Notes: Notes, including introspective philosophical rambling and an alternate version of the story, are here.

Comments

Re: red pen 2.0 is fully armed and operational

[mister_troper]

"hooker?" - Shisha, to be formal.

"o.O Roald Dahl reference?" - St. Vincent Millay, actually.

"Anyway, I enjoyed the other version better: it packed more punch in the ending and there was more development in the protagonist's train of thought." - You nail the problem right there. I couldn't quite get to something as short as I wanted while still maintaining the punch in the right ways that I wanted.

Thanks for the edit.

edit

[chaotic_vanity]

Hi, I'm your other editor for the week. I really like the line in the first paragraph about her resting just a second away--I think that's very accurate description and something everyone can relate to having felt. However, the rest of that paragraph reads a little slowly, kind of like a list of what Kharis is doing and I think you could break that up a little with more descriptions or thoughts or something like that.

I only have two things to add to what your other editor said. The first is is about this sentence: "I need to show that I know that she knows I looked, as needlessly complicated as it sounds." I think the fact that you have to acknowledge it's needlessly complicated is a problem.

The second thing, changes I would make in bold: This amazing woman, to whom I mean so little, is, for our brief exchanges, wholly attentive to me.

I like the ending; it's emotionally charged and loaded and that last line is great.

Nice job :)