Jan 30, 2004 16:00
(I wrote this in the pub today, in about forty minutes. Haven't decided what it is yet. I tend to use this format as the early working draft for comics scripts, so don't be misled by its screenplay/teleplay kind of look. If a second half appears, I'll run it here.)
EXT. CITY HALL
A tall, glistening building in the center of a city, the brightest thing in the shot.
INT. DEPUTY MAYOR OFFICE WAITING ROOM
A clean little room lined with plastic chairs. JOHN STRANGEWAYS, 30, thin and edgy, sits alone, wrapped in a long black coat that he hates taking off.
A SECRETARY sits at a desk festooned with phones. She looks sidewise at Strangeways.
Strangeways attempts a smile.
She sneers, lips peeling back to reveal CHROME TEETH that she begins to pick at with a metal nail file.
Strangeways shudders.
The DEPUTY MAYOR, old and manic, sweeps into the room.
DEPUTY MAYOR
Sorry I'm late. Traffic sucks. Someone exploded. You're John Strangeways?
Strangeways stands, extending his hand.
STRANGEWAYS
Mr Deputy Mayor.
The Deputy Mayor sweeps past Strangeways into his OFFICE.
DEPUTY MAYOR
Yes yes. Miss Shannon, this meeting will last no more than seven minutes, and then I'm going to need sex of some kind.
SECRETARY
Yes, sir. I'll call the zoo now.
Strangeways, wide-eyed, follows in the Deputy Mayor's wake hesitantly.
INT. DEPUTY MAYOR'S OFFICE
A clean, rich room. Not a bad gig, obviously. The Deputy Mayor waves at the only other chair as he sits behind his desk.
DEPUTY MAYOR
Strangeways. The psychologist, yes?
STRANGEWAYS
That's right. For the police department.
DEPUTY MAYOR
Yes yes. Exploding people. It's not right. People should keep that kind of thing at home. You're being transferred.
STRANGEWAYS
I wasn't aware I could be transferred.
DEPUTY MAYOR
You're in City Hall, Dr Strangeways. I can sell your body to medical science while you're still alive if I like. I am the closest thing to God you will ever meet. I make some people pray to me. Naked.
STRANGEWAYS
Naked.
DEPUTY MAYOR
Naked and with my name painted on their firm backsides with vegetable juice. We're living in the future, Dr Strangeways. Have you ever considered that?
STRANGEWAYS
It's hard to ignore.
DEPUTY MAYOR
Indeed. We live in a world where high technology is so cheap as to almost be free. We can do almost anything.
STRANGEWAYS
I wouldn't go that far.
DEPUTY MAYOR
But we can. It's just that we don't choose to. Take my secretary. The technology available to her could have made her bulletproof, or ageless. What did she use it for? She now has the ability to circumsize telegraph poles with her teeth.
STRANGEWAYS
Is that, you know, a real thing?
DEPUTY MAYOR
Her back yard looks like a pervert's medieval compound. We have the capability to change our bodies almost at will now. But we're all crazy. Which leads me to your new job.
STRANGEWAYS
But the job I have --
DEPUTY MAYOR
Yes yes. I need you to take over the Department Of Future Shock. Our previous head has had to leave the post suddenly.
STRANGEWAYS
Why?
DEPUTY MAYOR
He was partially devoured by a small boy with eight mouths called Judas.
STRANGEWAYS
Okay. So this is a temporary thing?
DEPUTY MAYOR
When I say partially, I mean mostly.
STRANGEWAYS
Mostly.
DEPUTY MAYOR
He couldn't finish the feet. Terrible about eating everything on his plate, according to his mother.
STRANGEWAYS
Let me make certain I understand. You're making me the head of an office providing psychological aid to people not dealing with the present day well? That's what the Department Of Future Shock is?
DEPUTY MAYOR
Yes yes. They told me you were sharp.
STRANGEWAYS
And the previous head was eaten by a child whose parents modified him with seven extra mouths?
DEPUTY MAYOR
Indeed. Rotten luck.
STRANGEWAYS
I have to say I'm a little uncomfortable about this. I like my current job. I do profiling. I don't deal with the public much.
The deputy mayor considers this settled. He stands, happy.
DEPUTY MAYOR
Then this'll be a nice change of pace for you. Miss Shannon has the details.
STRANGEWAYS
I'm saying that I myself don't, you know, cope that well with the way society's changed.
DEPUTY MAYOR
Excellent. Miss Shannon?
STRANGEWAYS
I'm saying that if I'd known there was a Department Of Future Shock, I'd probably be a patient by now.
DEPUTY MAYOR
You'll fit right in. You have a good team. Of course, they all wanted the boss' job, so they'll loathe you like you were Hitler. But still. Miss Shannon!
MISS SHANNON (off)
Marmoset or wild boar, sir?
DEPUTY MAYOR
Can we put the marmoset in a dress?
Strangeways stays in his chair, depressed as hell.
EXT. DEPARTMENT OF FUTURE SHOCK
A shabby old building in a shabby old part of town, the sign for the place hanging by one nail from the front door.
Strangeways considers it miserably.
Goes in, hunched over like he's shuffling towards the gallows.
INT. MAIN OFFICE
A big main space, littered with desks and computers. Three rooms come off this space -- STRANGEWAYS' OFFICE, the unisex bathroom, and THE BOX, the interview room.
Sitting around doing absolutely nothing are TIANA CHASE, a Morticia Addams-like presence; ALI McKENZIE, welding goggles pushed up into her wild hair, and SPIKES BLACKBURN, a large disturbing man with a large disturbing beard.
Strangeways enters, warily.
STRANGEWAYS
Hello.
Silence.
STRANGEWAYS
I'm Dr John Strangeways.
They don't even notice him.
STRANGEWAYS
You should, you know, call me John.
No-one moves a muscle.
STRANGEWAYS
I'm your new head of department.
They collectively issue a sigh of annoyance and stand up.
TIANA
Who's going to call the Deputy Mayor's office?
ALI
It's your turn. Tell them he was advised to promote from within.
SPIKES
We told his assistants.
STRANGEWAYS
I've just come from a meeting with the Deputy Mayor. It's a done deal.
They look at him for the first time. And not with love.
STRANGEWAYS
You know what? I didn't want this job. I want out as soon as possible. If any of you want the job, I'll tell the Deputy Mayor when I find a way out.
Strangeways walks deeper into the room, looking around. It's grey and crappy.
STRANGEWAYS
This is it? I'm amazed any of you want to stay.
ALI
Hey. We do work here.
STRANGEWAYS
You can work while sitting with your thumbs up your butts? I'm impressed. Your attitudes suck. I mean, if you like, I can tell the Deputy Mayor that none of you are suitable for promotion. How would that be?
The three look at each other, calculating.
And then Ali puts out her hand.
ALI
Ali McKenzie. What was your name again?
STRANGEWAYS
John Strangeways. Pleased to meet you.
ALI
Yeah. This is Tiana Chase.
TIANA
I'm a bisexual polyamant, but that doesn't mean that I'm ever ever going to have sex with you.
STRANGEWAYS
Okay.
TIANA
Ever.
STRANGEWAYS
Yes.
TIANA
EVER ever.
STRANGEWAYS
I get it.
ALI
And this is Spikes Blackburn.
Spikes steps forward, looming over Strangeways, checking him out.
SPIKES
I could kill you.
STRANGEWAYS
Probably.
SPIKES
If I wanted to.
STRANGEWAYS
Yes.
SPIKES
Just so you know.
STRANGEWAYS
Right.
SPIKES
With my beard.
STRANGEWAYS
I believe you.
SPIKES
I keep things in it.
ALI
Spikes...
Spikes leans in closer.
SPIKES
Terrible things.
Strangeways finds no answer to that.
Ali points out Strangeways' office --
ALI
That's your office. We work out here.
-- and the bathroom --
ALI
That's the bathroom. It's unisex, and the lock's busted. You have to sing while you're in there, or else Spikes will come in and pee on you.
SPIKES
Once. I did that once.
ALI
Once was enough. You'd drunk fifteen pints at lunch. You nearly drowned poor Jeremy.
STRANGEWAYS
Jeremy?
ALI
The old boss.
STRANGEWAYS
The one who got eaten?
ALI
Yeah. He's in your office, you better meet him too.
Baffled, Strangeways follows Ali into --
INT. STRANGEWAYS' OFFICE
Spartan. One desk, one chair, one computer, some shelves. Empty but for A PAIR OF SHOES. Ali indicates the shoes.
ALI
Jeremy.
STRANGEWAYS
That's a pair of shoes.
ALI
Look closer.
Strangeways does - and then jumps back in revulsion.
STRANGEWAYS
The feet are still in them!
ALI
All that's left of him. You know those statues that cry blood? They do that when he's upset.
STRANGEWAYS
I am not sharing an office with a pair of haunted feet!
ALI
You know, it's not going to go well for you here if you screw with the feet.
STRANGEWAYS
It's not?
ALI
You have to trust the feet.
STRANGEWAYS
The haunted feet.
ALI
And there's a can of air freshener in your desk. Jeremy didn't have the nicest feet. And they're less nice now he's, you know, dead.
STRANGEWAYS
I'll bet.
He looks around the doomed little room, takes a deep breath.
STRANGEWAYS
Okay. What's the office procedure here?
ALI
Simple. Social services assign future shock cases to us, we interview them and provide appropriate therapy. We can obtain them medical help and long-term psychiatric aid.
Strangeways tests out his office chair. He doesn't like it.
STRANGEWAYS
So what do we get? People having trouble coping with the pace of the modern world? That's the classic definition of future shock, right?
ALI
Yeah. Jeremy expanded our catch a bit.
STRANGEWAYS
Oh?
ALI
We weren't taking into account people who used technology to modify themselves. I mean, everybody does it now. Doesn't mean they can cope with the change, or keep up with everyone else's changes.
STRANGEWAYS
So we help people who've changed themselves and gotten future shock from their own bodies.
ALI
Kinda. You want to go through the patients list?
STRANGEWAYS
Give me a couple of minutes in here first, okay?
ALI
Okay. Take your time.
Ali leaves, closing the door behind her. Strangeways gets up, paces around, finds himself in front of The Shoes.
STRANGEWAYS
I'm glad you got eaten, you bastard.
###
(c) Warren Ellis 2004
(SCREAM TALKING. Fifty three-minute singles. A complete work. Of which this may not be a part, I have no idea. Fuck it. I've barely seen another human being in five days. The only email I get is work-related. I have forgotten what girls look like. I have whisky. I have lots and lots of whisky. Whisky is good. I'm not sure when I last ate.)