Saturday Night lameass Writing Exercise

[misterwalnut]

(Or technically Sunday Morning, as it is 1:07 and sleep is so foreign, TV is so boring, and my bed remains sadly Sally-free.)

What If
12/21/08

.....
What if
the fog had rolled in sooner?
What if
coarse hands had not held so limply
had not fallen flat like a flower blooming prematurely?
What if
one warmth had been much like another,
your light as shining

Comments

[lntothenight]

had not fell flat like a flower blooming prematurely?

The correct tense should be "fallen", IIRC.

Aside from that minor mistake, I really like this. The rhythm feels something like a boat trying to sail in rapid waters, moving forward two steps and suddenly being pushed back three. Lovely.

[misterwalnut]

...SEE, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUV'VE BEEN STAYING UP 'TILL 3 EVERY MORNING FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS.

Thanks for the crit!

[staroverthesea]

Hmm, I really like this. It's clean and clear, the words have a certain momentum to them, and the metaphors are refreshing to read.

The rhythm of these lines:

like rosebushes entangling
my lace had gotten tangled in yours,
and we had danced a little longer?

feels a bit overwhelming. Maybe you should shorten it to give way to the finl impacting lines, "What if I had let a shoe behind, like Cinderella?"

Of course, this is just my superdouchey overly-technical opinion. It's xxxtrahot.

[staroverthesea]

By the way, speaking as an extreme radicalist against poetry, I actually really like this poem. DAMN YOU TO HELL, SALLY.

[misterwalnut]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I WROTE POETRY.

THIS IS ALL VERY NEW TO ME.

[misterwalnut]

I did wonder for a while if there were too many syllables there, but I left it in to anticipate the ending. Maybe I'll fix it when I have the energy.

Thanks for the comment. And technicality is sexcellent!

[sasgay]

this strikes me as a little sad and regretful. it's beautiful. maybe you should participate in saturday night lameass writing exercises more often.

[misterwalnut]

Thank you! And I don't I think should, for my sleeping habits are bad enough as is. :)