This burden called love
Title: This burden called love
Pairing: (8uppers verse) Arsenal/Ace, Jacky/Mac, Jacky/Johnny, Jacky/Toppo, Gum/Toppo
Rating: PG-13
Words: 5036
Summary: Mac, Johnny and Toppo love Jacky. Jacky loves them too, but he has to make a choice, because dragging things out will hurt them all.
Mac fell in love with Jacky the day the younger man comforted him under the stairs as he sobbed with abandon. Maybe it was because he was always longing for warmth after his parents' accident but he never felt safer than when Jacky's arms encircled his smaller frame. Later that day Jacky told the other children to lay off him and Mac fell for him just a bit more, if it was possible.
Johnny fell in love with Jacky the day the older man saved him from those bullies. He was standing there, unflinching, ready to take anything thrown at him, except that the punches never came. He looked up from the ground and saw Jacky in front of him, glowering at those bullies. After a few short, stiff words which Johnny failed to catch, the other children left and Jacky turned around, flashing Johnny the kindest smile he had ever seen.
Toppo didn't fall for Jacky right away. He was the annoying roommate who was too loud, too obnoxious and butted into other people's problems too much. He was like a hero of sorts and Toppo believed that the only heroes that existed were in his games. Hence Jacky didn't exist. Logical or not. That was how it was supposed to be, but he guessed that affections grow over time and really he couldn't blame anyone for the feelings that started growing because Jacky was just too sweet to him, always doting on him and ready to do anything for him. It wasn't possible to not fall for him.
~
Mac still loves Jacky even after all those years. He looks at his fairy-tale book and thinks that the only other thing which could challenge its ability to bring him to tears is the thought of losing Jacky.
Johnny still loves Jacky. He's still the cool person that he was, indifferent to everything and he may have gotten more handsome over the years and girls may flock to him like moths to a fire but he thinks that the only one who makes him feel beautiful is still Jacky.
Toppo still loves Jacky. He's still moody and still spends most of his time fighting monsters that don't exist, and Jacky still dotes on him like he was still a child. Some things don't change and he guess that feelings don't either, not when it's Jacky.
~
Arsenal thinks they're disgusting, because who needs love anyway? Unrequited love at that. Them growing up in an orphanage (Mac not included since his case is peculiar) says enough about love in their screwed up world. But he sees the way Jacky treats them and saw the way Jacky treated them and accepts it, even if he doesn't understand it. Love is obsolete.
“Have you looked at them?” Arsenal asks Ace, scoffing as he lets out a puff of smoke.
“They look happy,” Ace replies and Arsenal turns, ready to bite the younger's head off when he sees the tender gaze directed at him. He turns away, feeling choked up all of sudden. Maybe love isn't so obsolete when it comes to Ace. He lets a smile linger.
~
Johnny doesn't know that the other two love Jacky. He's too easily satisfied. Jacky just has to talk to him for a while and maybe compliment him a bit and he'll be over the moon already. Maybe it's because he had never asked for Jacky's love in the first place (never asked for anything at all) but having those few short moments with Jacky alone is enough for him.
Mac doesn't know that there are others who love Jacky. He's too innocent (despite their activities), too blinded by fairy-tales that's he reading to see anything past the beautiful lie. He thinks heartaches and sadness belongs in books because he has Jacky. Sometimes Arsenal wants to tell him that happy endings belong in books too.
Toppo knows, knows exactly who love Jacky. He has been by himself for a long time with no one to depend on. Before Jacky and the others had strolled into his life, he was all alone. Well, that was to be expected since he was only a few months old when he entered the orphanage. He has learned to be observant, to look out for threats. He doesn't find them threats though. If they weren't around, he wouldn't get to see that caring side of Jacky flourishing. He thinks he loves Jacky more than he lets on, even to himself, but he doesn't mind. Not that much.
~
Arsenal thinks that despite everything, at least Gum is still happy and not burdened by this thing called love. Not that Ace is a burden mind you. Anyway, that was what he thought until he tells Ace about it and the younger one bursts out laughing so hard that Arsenal has to fire a shot to the wall behind him (Jacky is going to nag at him later) to make him stop. It doesn't stop the giggles that slip out here and there though.
“Gum is totally in love with Toppo!” Ace practically screams in his face and if Arsenal isn't so shocked, he would have whacked Ace.
“But they don't get along,” Arsenal points out reasonably, because Ace is unreasonable and can therefore be wrong and mistaken about the whole thing, because Toppo really cannot stand Gum.
“Gum hangs off Toppo all the time,” Ace announces, looking too pleased with himself.
“He's a masochist,” Arsenal waves it off, returning to his paperwork. Cursed janken.
“Then why does he look so hurt every time Toppo shoos him off in favour of talking to Jacky?” Ace questions. Arsenal looks up, sees Ace's smug smile and the intense gaze in his eyes and knows that he's actually right and quite observant. For once.
“Crap,” Arsenal states.
“Crap,” Ace agrees.
~
As observant as Toppo is, he doesn't know that Gum loves him. Or maybe he isn't observant; maybe he's just too focused on Jacky and cannot see anything past the older man. At any rate, those looks of longing and affection are lost on him. They might as well don't exist. Toppo doesn't see them; they're more invisible than the air he breathes.
Jacky isn't stupid. He knows. He sees the content in Johnny's eyes, the affection in Mac's eyes, the longing in Toppo's eyes and they're all directed at him. He sees the way Gum looks over Toppo and he can feel the sadness and anger burning into the back of his skull every time Gum glares at him (he thinks Jacky doesn't know). He sees the way Ace and Arsenal glance at each other and the love is so intense that he can even feel it in the air. He also meets their eyes and know that they know.
Jacky loves Johnny. Not just because Johnny is gorgeous (because obviously appearance plays a part in everything), but because he's so easy to please. Not in a bad way of course. Whenever Jacky does something for him, something as simple as offering to help him wash the glasses at the bar counter, the smile Johnny gives him is enough to make him feel good the whole day and nothing can disrupt it.
Jacky loves Mac. Mac is just so innocent and adorable. Sure, he's a genius and the mastermind of their plans but there's this part of his heart that he seals off, refusing to let it be tainted. Jacky holds that chamber of Mac's heart close to his own and swears that he will never let anything (or anyone) stain it. He really hates that warning look that Arsenal gives him, especially after waving those fairytales in his face.
Jacky loves Toppo, has probably loved him ever since he first set foot in their shared bedroom. Toppo had shot him a vile glare which he didn't think was possible for a four year old but he knew at once that the other was really just looking for someone to protect him. It took some time but his doting finally broke through the walls. The moment Toppo opened up to him marked the moment Jacky decided that he would give everything to protect him.
~
"So?" comes Arsenal drawls.
Jacky halts in his steps and turns to look at him. Arsenal's hair is tousled and he isn't wearing anything but a pair of loose slacks. His door is half opened and he's standing in that small gap but there's enough space for Jacky to glance in and see Ace lying on Arsenal's bed, asleep and with a peaceful look upon his face. Jacky also takes in the clothes that are strewn around randomly and immediately knows what had just happened.
"Stop appraising the situation," Arsenal says with a roll of his eyes. "We fucked; so what?"
And as crude and meaningless Arsenal makes the whole thing sound, Jacky can see the fierce passion in his eyes, as clear as day. Simmering beneath it is a fire of possessiveness, reinforced by him shutting the door just a bit more even though he knows Jacky will never feel anything besides brotherly love for Ace.
"I don't care," Jacky says in defense but Arsenal glares at him anyway. "What?" he asks eventually when Arsenal doesn't make any attempts to move.
"So?" Arsenal repeats and Jacky would like to pretend that he doesn't understand what Arsenal is referring to but he obviously does and they both know that.
"I don't know what to do,"Jacky says. "Isn't it fine like this?"
"Is it?" Arsenal asks, quirking an eyebrow.
"At least they're happy," Jacky says in harmony with a new voice. Ace appears at the doorway, looking tired and sleepy.
"And how long will it be before it stops? This isn't a permanent situation," Arsenal states, bold and impassive.
"And Jacky knows that," Ace mumbles, his chin resting on Arsenal's shoulder. "He just needs time to think and he's actually really scared."
"Of breaking the balance? I know that; but like I said it isn't a permanent solution," Arsenal says. "You need to think of what you want, because they obviously do and I can sure as hell say it isn't this."
"I know," Jacky replies, face contorting into a frown. "This affects me more than you think. I'm so scared of losing them, any of them, all of them. They're important to me. All of you are."
"I- " Arsenal starts but stops suddenly and turns to Ace. Jacky wonders what's wrong what Arsenal asks softly, "You okay?"
"Yeah," Ace whispers, giving a soft wry smile, but now even Jacky can see the fear and loss in his eyes. He doesn't think he has ever seen Ace being this vulnerable.
"It's okay," Arsenal murmurs softly. "They're not here."
"Yeah," Ace repeats, a little breathless and more choked up this time. Arsenal doesn't say anything else. He shoots Jacky an apologetic look and shuts the door.
Jacky hears Arsenal's voice, unusually gentle and soothing, though his raspy tone is still apparent. He doesn't know what the other man is saying but he knows that Arsenal's chasing Ace's demons away. As he stands outside the room listening to the continuous flow of comfort, he wonders if he's the demon that haunts their sleep.
~
Gum will very happily do anything to make Toppo look at him. He thinks that he should be less cheerful sometimes, and more broody like the younger man but every time he looks at him, he feels that he has to be happy. Because Toppo is usually so indifferent and so easily annoyed and the opposite of everything that Gum is and Gum feels the need to maintain that balance, so Toppo will never fall deeper into the abyss of darkness. In the end, it doesn't matter whether Toppo looks at him, as long as Toppo knows he's there.
~
Mac's weeping again, because of another book he read. The things written in those books are so simple and everything ends in such a nice and beautiful manner, no matter how predictable they are and Mac thinks sometimes life should be like that. Some missions are dangerous without a doubt, and they don't say it but there's always the looming threat of death upon them. Mac thinks - knows- that he can't handle losing any of them and so he lose himself in those ethereal worlds. He doesn't cry because he's touched by the stories; he cries because in the stories they're all safe.
~
Johnny thinks his looks are a curse and a blessing. If he never had such features he would never have been bullied at the orphanage but then Jacky would have never found him and he would probably never be part of 8uppers. In the end, it seems that he has to thank his appearance which seems to be his only redeeming quality.
"Johnny's more than that," Jacky tells him.
"I'm not... without my looks I can't even do my job," Johnny rebuts immediately, looking resigned yet happy at the same time.
"Even without your looks you can still do your job," Jacky replies thoughtfully and it's the seriousness in his voice that prompts Johnny to look at him. "It's Johnny after all and I asked you to join 8uppers and to do the job you do because of the way you are, not because of the way you look."
Johnny doesn't know what to say to that so he keeps silent and just smile. He thinks this is why he loves Jacky.
"You're just so sweet, aren't you?" Ace coos afterwards and Jacky just rolls his eyes, because despite everything he's glad that Ace's fine. He wants to ask, really, but doesn't because the younger man wouldn't like it and Arsenal would start breathing down his neck.
“It's not like I'm doing it on purpose,” Jacky replies, sighing. He tries to be mean to them, he really does, but it's not in his nature and really, hurting their feeling was the way to go.
“I know,” Ace says with a wide smirk. “Ah... I think I might actually like the sweet type.”
For a moment Jacky looks aghast before he takes the nearest pillow and flings it at Ace. “Three is enough! I don't need compounded problems! Especially from you!” he adds as a second thought.
Ace just throws his head back and laughs.
Gum listens to the conversation as he stands in the doorway connecting the bar to the living room. Unconsciously, a smile makes its way onto his lips even as his heart aches for the man beside him. Toppo doesn't say a thing. His face doesn't give anything away either as he taps furiously away on his game console.
~
Johnny realises that Mac loves Jacky. It doesn't immediately become apparent to him. Even when he sees Mac smiling at Jacky when the other does something, anything really. He thinks that it's just a Mac thing since he usually catches Mac smiling at the other members as well. It's only this one time when he happens to spot Mac smiling at Jacky and sees that same smile reflected in his face from the mirror that he discovers that the older man holds the same feelings as him. The funny thing is, jealousy doesn't surface like he expects it to. Instead, a feeling of affirmation sweeps over him, as if he had known Mac loves Jacky the entire time but he just didn't know where to look.
After discovering that Mac loves Jacky, it just somehow becomes obvious to Johnny that Toppo loves Jacky too. He wonders why he didn't see it earlier. Toppo is everything but secretive about his feelings. The way he looks at Jacky with that intense gaze without bothering to hide it is evidence enough. But that's not what makes Johnny realise. It's when he feels a warm prickling along his neck while he talks to Jacky that he finally understands that those heated, angered glares from Toppo aren't for his games. They're for him.
Toppo knows immediately that Johnny's in the know too. It's just a feeling at first but the sad smile Johnny gives him later that day confirms it. Toppo doesn't know if he should feel relived or annoyed. To him it means competition, but Johnny hasn't said anything hostile or shot him any vile looks yet.
“I'm not going to compete with you for him if that's what you're thinking,” Johnny says casually as he sits down next to Toppo. Toppo switches his game off and drops the console onto his lap. He doesn't look at Johnny though, just continues staring at his game console.
“Then what?” Toppo asks, being straightforward because he doubts that there's something Johnny doesn't already know by now. “Do you want it to continue like this forever?”
“If I say yes that would be a lie,” Johnny answers, chuckling a little, not hiding the bitterness in it. “Eventually I would want him to choose, and when he does I would want it to be me. But before that happens, I'm just going to stay the way I am and not get my hopes up too high.”
“You're positive,” Toppo bites out, sounding colder than he wants to. “What, do you think he'll choose you? Is that confidence you're flaunting in my face?”
“No,” Johnny replies calmly, and Toppo notes the tiny hint of amusement in his voice. “I'm just going to be myself because Jacky likes the way I am and I think that's good enough for me, even in the long run.”
Toppo looks at Johnny in ridicule but the younger man just smiles at him and offers no explanation.
“You're crazy,” Toppo decides in the end and rolls his eyes, picking up his game console again.
“Jacky likes the way you are too,” Johnny says, smiling gently before walking away.
Toppo thinks that Johnny is the only love rival on earth who will make his opponent feel comforted and happy; so stupid. But, Toppo thinks as he smiles to himself, he likes Johnny the way he is too.
~
“There wasn't supposed to be so many people there,” Mac says for the umpteenth time as he paces hurriedly back and forth. Anxiety so obviously consumes his entire being, especially with his quickened breathing, that Jacky feels like knocking him out if only it would make him stop panicking.
“It isn't your fault,” Jacky reassures for what must be the hundredth time but it still doesn't get across.
“Yes, yes, it was. A miscalculation on my part,” Mac insists, never once ceasing his steps or the speed of them. Jacky thinks he's going to make a hole in the floor soon.
“No one would have expected there to be so many people. Look, we all agreed to this in the first place. We knew what we were up against; it's our own choice.”
“No, you didn't know what you were up against. You thought you did, but you didn't. Because of me,” Mac replies, his voice wavering more with each word.
“Mac, look, Arsenal doesn't blame you and we both know that Ace doesn't either,” Jacky says, hoping the exasperation he's feeling doesn't seep into his voice.
“How can I ever forgive myself if something happens to Arsenal?” Mac continues rambling as if he didn't even hear what Jacky said.
“Listen to me Mac,” Jacky says but Mac ignores him; too lost in his own world. “Kimitaka.”
Mac finally stops walking back and forth and glares at Jacky.
“Don't call me that,” he says calmly, but there's a warning threat in his voice and Jacky knows better than to mess with it.
“I just want you to sit down and listen to me,” Jacky offers as an explanation.
“I am listening to you,” Mac retorts, eyes piercing Jacky's own.
“No, you're not,” Jacky says as he walks towards the other man so that they are face to face. “If you are, you'll know it's not your fault.”
“Jacky...” Mac breathes out, sounding so weak and helpless that all Jacky can do is pull him into an embrace and assure him that everything will be alright. Jacky doesn't need to save Mac physically; the man is more than capable of doing that himself, but he needs to save Mac from losing his way in his own world, in his own dark world where happy endings don't exist.
“Mac,” Ace calls. He looks worse for wear but otherwise alright and Mac immediately walks up to him.
“How's Arsenal? How are you?” Words of concern and worry floods from his lips like water flowing from a broken dam.
“Mac,” Ace snaps, somewhat gently. “We're fine.”
“Really?” Mac asks and Ace thinks that Mac never looked more like a child.
“Yes, really,” Ace answers, making an effort to smile despite the emotional turmoil of worry and anger that's building up inside him; directed at those men of course, not Mac. Jacky, luckily, seems to notice it and drags Mac away.
“We have to settle the admin now,” he tells Mac casually before turning his head back and flashing Ace a comforting smile.
“Thanks,” Ace mouths. He goes over to the cabinet where they keep their stock of painkillers and grab a few off before almost sprinting back to Arsenal's room.
“There's no need to run,” Arsenal chuckles when Ace enters. He gets a glare in return but the worry in those eyes is all too apparent to him. “There's no need to worry.”
“You don’t have to worry too,” Ace tells him, sitting down next to him on the bed. “When I almost die, you don’t have to worry either.”
The way Arsenal grips his arm is hard enough to bruise but Ace doesn’t flinch, doesn’t even bother to get out of it.
“That’s not something to joke about,” Arsenal says, voice low and angry. It’s obvious in the way his eyes flare more than anything but the tight hold he has on Ace arm is a sound statement. Ace tries not to smile.
“Then don’t tell me not to worry,” he says instead and Arsenal lets go of his arm. It’s a bit sore and the pain a lot more apparent now that the blood can flow again but Ace doesn’t mind. He just finds it ironic how Arsenal’s left hand is still so powerful even though he can’t even move his right one.
“I just can’t stand the thought of losing you,” Arsenal whispers into Ace’s hair later that night as he holds him closer.
Even though Ace isn’t awake, he sleeps on, blissfully aware.
~
Mac doesn’t realise anything at all. He loves Jacky, knows that Jacky knows but that is the full extent of his knowledge. He doesn’t know that Toppo or Johnny feel the same way. Everyone else, by then, already knows the full picture and all they were waiting for was for Jacky to finally make a decision.
Jacky hates this situation more than anyone could think. He’s fine, completely fine with things the way they are, but it seems that he’s the only one who’s alright with it. Mac doesn’t count. Sometimes Jacky gets so angry at all of them, for wanting him to make a decision. Can’t they see that he can’t? He thinks that they don’t think at all, because once he makes a decision and executes it, there was no turning back. Things will never be the same.
“You think too much,” Arsenal reprimands him and he can tell that there are still a thousand other things that the other man wants to say to him.
“I don’t want anything to go wrong,” Jacky replies, clutching the beer glass in his hand a little tighter. “I can’t afford to have anything go wrong.”
“Things have already gone wrong,” Arsenal states, not bothering to acknowledge the startled look Jacky gives him.
“What?”
“Don’t you think that putting them in so much pain is already wrong?” Arsenal asks and walks away, giving Jacky some space to breathe.
~
Gum tells Jacky to choose Toppo. It’s the first time that someone has actually told him what to do with regards to this problem. He’s shocked, because Gum says that without a warning. The day was as normal as any other and Jacky was doing some paperwork when Gum drops down opposite him and utters those two words. Choose Toppo.
Jacky doesn’t reply, doesn’t know how to reply, but Gum doesn’t expect a reply. He just smiles this bittersweet smile and walks away. Jacky returns to his paperwork before the full meaning of what had just transpired hits him hard in the face.
Sure, while Gum hadn’t expected an answer, he actually expects Jacky to choose Toppo.
~
He brings this up to Ace, who then immediately looks like he wants to run away and hide from Jacky.
“Why are you asking me?” he whines. “I’m not good at this.”
“I just need to talk to someone about it,” Jacky says, wondering if it was better if he had gone to Arsenal instead. But the other man’s out on a solo mission and he would only be back later tonight. Jacky really needs to get this matter off his chest now.
“Well,” Ace muses thoughtfully. “I don’t think Toppo would appreciate being chosen because you were forced to choose him.”
Jacky lets out a groan and Ace looks at him in pity, and pats his back in comfort.
“Meaning I’m back to square one?”
Ace just nods.
~
Jacky has always thought that he would come to his decision slowly and after weighing all the pros and cons of each relationship, but it doesn’t happen that way. It happens in such a normal, unexciting way that Jacky thinks that he might have known the answer all along.
He decides that he would tell Ace and Arsenal first, just to see if they have any violent objections or whatever. To be honest to himself, he just needed to confirm his decision and telling someone seems to be the best way to do that.
Arsenal and Ace doesn’t say anything. They just smile at him and nod, giving their support. Jacky thinks that that is all the encouragement he needs.
“Thank you.”
~
He tells Gum next, because he feels that he’s accountable to the other man. As soon as the name leaves his mouth, a hard punch is thrown to his face and he falls to the ground, his other cheek hitting the floor roughly. He immediately pushes himself up, expecting another blow but nothing comes. He opens eyes to see Gum looking torn between anger and sadness.
“Why?”
“Because you’ll be much better for him,” Jacky answers confidently.
“And you don’t love him?” Gum asks tentatively. He doesn’t want to be the reason that Jacky doesn’t choose Toppo.
“I don’t.”
~
“I’m sorry,” Jacky tells Toppo.
The younger man immediately understands of course, and he doesn’t say anything at first. Jacky begins to feel worried and he opens his mouth to say something when Toppo looks at him and smiles.
“It’s fine.”
And it really is. It seems that Toppo had known the answer all along as well. Truth to be told, he has always felt that Jacky’s love for him always leant more towards the fraternal side. In the end, he just wants Jacky to be happy and if being happy means that Jacky chooses someone else, then Toppo can live with that.
“It’s Mac, isn’t it?” Toppo asks and feels somewhat incredibly proud of himself when Jacky gives an affirmative nod.
~
“I love you,” Gum says softly. It’s the first time he says this and he watches as Toppo’s eyes widen in shock as he stares at Gum as if the other man has grown another head or two.
Toppo is speechless and he doesn’t say anything for a long while. Gum wonders if he should run, but he doesn’t. He’ll never run from Toppo, only towards him.
“I’m good for you,” Gum tells him then despite his nervousness. “We’re opposites and I know I’m too happy for you, but if you let me, I can make you happy too.”
For the second time that day, Toppo smiles.
“Okay.”
~
Johnnys takes it surprisingly well at first. He doesn’t cry, doesn’t ask why, doesn’t even look sad. He just smiles at Jacky and asks a simple question.
“Will you be happy?”
“I will,” Jacky says. He feels horrible saying that, but he says it anyway. It’s the only way to help Johnny move on.
“Then I’ll be happy too,” Johnny tells him even as tears start to well his eyes.
Jacky pulls him into a tight embrace.
~
“Mac, I need to tell you something,” Jacky says nervously as he stands in the doorway of the makeshift meeting room.
“Later,” Mac waves him off, eyes focused on the documents in front of him. “This is giving me a headache.”
“I need to say it now,” Jacky insists and Mac pulls his eyes away from the papers reluctantly to give the other a sour look.
Jacky crosses the room and sits beside Mac on the couch. It’s funny how familiar this scene and position is. They are practically in this room, sitting like this every other night, yet everything is so different. Mac just doesn’t know it yet.
Jacky can feel the excitement and anxiousness rushing through his veins, and he’s sure he has never felt so nervous in his whole life before. Again, it’s funny how he has never felt this way around Mac until he realises that he has love him all along.
“Mac, I love you.”
A look of realisation dawns onto Mac’s face before he starts spluttering.
“What? What the hell? You don’t come in here and say this kind of things all of a sudden. And who says I love you back anyway?”
Jacky rolls his eyes and stares at Mac in the eyes.
“I love you.”
After a while, in which Mac continues spluttering and freaking out, Jacky leans over and pecks him on the lips gently.
“I love you.”
“Idiot.”