TL;DRML. Beware.
Lol, LJ-cutting this like nobody's business. I ramble when I'm sleep-drunk.
My sleeping schedule's all mucked up. I don't fall asleep until around 10 a.m., and don't wake up until 5 p.m., and by 6 p.m. I have to get ready for work at 7:30 p.m. because it's an hour drive from where I live. I get home from work sometime after 4, 5 a.m.-ish and pass the time screwing around on the internet and catching up on RP tags if I have the energy. See, even though I'm awake at these weird night/day hours, I'm tired and don't feel like doing anything productive -- because lol, RP is totally a productive activity. Basically my life comes down to sleep and work, with some wiggle room squeezed in. And this would be fine because I'm a night owl anyway, but stuff happens nine times out of ten during the daytime hours. It's like I rarely get to see my family anymore except on the weekends. Sometimes they'll go out and run errands without me because I'm too asleep to be stirred awake. It's kind of draining and lonely, but maybe I just have to tweak my sleeping habits some so I'll at least be awake by noon -- yeah, totally an early hour to be waking up, right?
Anyway, if you were paying a modicum of attention, yes. I do indeed have a job. So the trials and turmoil of job hunting have been no more since June. Few entries back, I mentioned a Nielsen Company job. That's the one! So basically I get to watch TV and write surveys for RewardTV.com. Pretty neato job. I probably watch more TV at work than I do on my own time. Probably because I'm lazy and can't bother myself with figuring out what shows I want to try out. Maybe now my job will decide that for me. XD It's kind of crazy to think that I've had a steady, career job for almost five months now. Maybe it shouldn't be since I've been out of college for over a year and I should've been working a proper career job a while ago, but well... if you know me, I kind of do things at a delayed pace. And the great part about the department I work for is that there are lots of opportunities to rise the ranks because it's a new division of the office. The department wants to establish itself quickly. My friend from college who was hired at the same time as me got promoted, and so did the three remaining members of the training team hired after mine. I think, eventually, I want to interview for a promotion. I talked to one of the group II promotees about what the position entails yesterday, and surprisingly? I think it's something I could manage. Even though I like my present job and have been told I'm a pretty strong writer, I'm still not up to speed compared to my co-workers, and I'm worried that'll count against me if I apply for a promotion. Then again, same acquaintance said he used to be a slow writer too, and well now he's earning four bucks more than me. I think once I get to about the speed I think I should be at and feel more confident about how well I do my job, I'll apply whenever the next promotion round rolls by.
Bah. All this job talk makes me feel old. Job = good. Feeling old = not good. I mean, I've never enjoyed it because I've always felt younger than my biological age. People almost always think I am, too. But having a job is like that one step towards being a proper adult, and I'm glad and terrified at the same time about making that step. I realized recently that probably the reason why I've never acted/felt my age and even feared it is because I have an intense fear of responsibility. I'm afraid of having to be accountable for all my actions and failures because I'm just plain insecure about my capability to do just about anything. If someone isn't telling me what to do or guiding me, I freak out and just don't know what to do with myself. I mean, the only times I haven't lived with my family for an extended time period was summer 2008 when Dad was away in the Philippines and Sis was working in Alaska with her boyfriend, and most of my last year of college when they lived in California for a few months. First case, I lived with family friends, so no real fending for myself then. Latter case, I lived on campus with roommates I never hit it off with. Not that we fought or anything. We were just different people and our personalities didn't mesh. Again, not much proper independent living because Dad was paying my dorm fees and I didn't have to supply most of my own food. (Yes, I consider being able to do that a staple of adulthood or something.) And now I have to start thinking about medical insurance and financial planning and ish? Just... how do people make that leap from childhood and adulthood? It honestly baffles me, stupid as that may sound. And it also kind of -- "depresses" might be too strong a word -- makes me sad because I don't want to stop being a kid. Life's so much easier when you're little and people take care of you. I don't want to take care of myself. I don't know how to take care of myself.
And all of this feels worse because my birthday's in two days and I'm going to be 24. Which in itself is an inconsequential age, but at the same time feels so foreboding because I'm now realizing the gravity of adulthood and how ill-prepared I am for it. That, and all the landmark birthdays I have to look forward to now are going to emphasize the fact I'm "over the hill" and such. I know. This all sounds so dumb, but I don't know, I'm sentimental, take things too personally, and attach emotion to everything, even when it's more of a rational matter. That, or I am stuck being an emo teenager for the rest of my life. Fun tiiiiimes. O.o;;
Um. Guess I'll round this out with bullet point blurbs. Because I now know how to make them!
My sleeping schedule's all mucked up. I don't fall asleep until around 10 a.m., and don't wake up until 5 p.m., and by 6 p.m. I have to get ready for work at 7:30 p.m. because it's an hour drive from where I live. I get home from work sometime after 4, 5 a.m.-ish and pass the time screwing around on the internet and catching up on RP tags if I have the energy. See, even though I'm awake at these weird night/day hours, I'm tired and don't feel like doing anything productive -- because lol, RP is totally a productive activity. Basically my life comes down to sleep and work, with some wiggle room squeezed in. And this would be fine because I'm a night owl anyway, but stuff happens nine times out of ten during the daytime hours. It's like I rarely get to see my family anymore except on the weekends. Sometimes they'll go out and run errands without me because I'm too asleep to be stirred awake. It's kind of draining and lonely, but maybe I just have to tweak my sleeping habits some so I'll at least be awake by noon -- yeah, totally an early hour to be waking up, right?
Anyway, if you were paying a modicum of attention, yes. I do indeed have a job. So the trials and turmoil of job hunting have been no more since June. Few entries back, I mentioned a Nielsen Company job. That's the one! So basically I get to watch TV and write surveys for RewardTV.com. Pretty neato job. I probably watch more TV at work than I do on my own time. Probably because I'm lazy and can't bother myself with figuring out what shows I want to try out. Maybe now my job will decide that for me. XD It's kind of crazy to think that I've had a steady, career job for almost five months now. Maybe it shouldn't be since I've been out of college for over a year and I should've been working a proper career job a while ago, but well... if you know me, I kind of do things at a delayed pace. And the great part about the department I work for is that there are lots of opportunities to rise the ranks because it's a new division of the office. The department wants to establish itself quickly. My friend from college who was hired at the same time as me got promoted, and so did the three remaining members of the training team hired after mine. I think, eventually, I want to interview for a promotion. I talked to one of the group II promotees about what the position entails yesterday, and surprisingly? I think it's something I could manage. Even though I like my present job and have been told I'm a pretty strong writer, I'm still not up to speed compared to my co-workers, and I'm worried that'll count against me if I apply for a promotion. Then again, same acquaintance said he used to be a slow writer too, and well now he's earning four bucks more than me. I think once I get to about the speed I think I should be at and feel more confident about how well I do my job, I'll apply whenever the next promotion round rolls by.
Bah. All this job talk makes me feel old. Job = good. Feeling old = not good. I mean, I've never enjoyed it because I've always felt younger than my biological age. People almost always think I am, too. But having a job is like that one step towards being a proper adult, and I'm glad and terrified at the same time about making that step. I realized recently that probably the reason why I've never acted/felt my age and even feared it is because I have an intense fear of responsibility. I'm afraid of having to be accountable for all my actions and failures because I'm just plain insecure about my capability to do just about anything. If someone isn't telling me what to do or guiding me, I freak out and just don't know what to do with myself. I mean, the only times I haven't lived with my family for an extended time period was summer 2008 when Dad was away in the Philippines and Sis was working in Alaska with her boyfriend, and most of my last year of college when they lived in California for a few months. First case, I lived with family friends, so no real fending for myself then. Latter case, I lived on campus with roommates I never hit it off with. Not that we fought or anything. We were just different people and our personalities didn't mesh. Again, not much proper independent living because Dad was paying my dorm fees and I didn't have to supply most of my own food. (Yes, I consider being able to do that a staple of adulthood or something.) And now I have to start thinking about medical insurance and financial planning and ish? Just... how do people make that leap from childhood and adulthood? It honestly baffles me, stupid as that may sound. And it also kind of -- "depresses" might be too strong a word -- makes me sad because I don't want to stop being a kid. Life's so much easier when you're little and people take care of you. I don't want to take care of myself. I don't know how to take care of myself.
And all of this feels worse because my birthday's in two days and I'm going to be 24. Which in itself is an inconsequential age, but at the same time feels so foreboding because I'm now realizing the gravity of adulthood and how ill-prepared I am for it. That, and all the landmark birthdays I have to look forward to now are going to emphasize the fact I'm "over the hill" and such. I know. This all sounds so dumb, but I don't know, I'm sentimental, take things too personally, and attach emotion to everything, even when it's more of a rational matter. That, or I am stuck being an emo teenager for the rest of my life. Fun tiiiiimes. O.o;;
Um. Guess I'll round this out with bullet point blurbs. Because I now know how to make them!
- I'm getting more active in LJRP again. Ish. I'm in four games, two in which I'm part of a cast. I usually play Lone Canon Warriors because the fandoms I'm confident in playing from are obscure. So being in a cast is kind of a Big Deal for me. In one of them, someone even reserved my character before me, which didn't happen before because I'm usually The Only One who plays my characters. Obviously, they didn't make good on their reserve because heh, guess who's playing that character now, whut?
- Apparently, I like capitalizing random terms for added ~*~irony~*~ right now.
- Most of my RP-related updates are over at my Plurk, if you're part of the LJRP cult fandom and are curious about my shenanigans for whatever reason.
- Metrocon's sisconter convention, Shadocon is next weekend. I might be going to it? I mean, I kept the possibility of going there in my mind, but I haven't really made a decision. I work Fridays, so maybe it'll just be a Saturday/Sunday deal? Be nice to have that bit of a break from reality and see some of my Metrobuds or whatev.
- Kind of want to go as either NMH1!Shinobu or Yagiri Namie from Durarara!! but. Both need work, and I don't want to do it if I end up not actually going. I'd just have to redo Shinobu's skirt and pretty up my bokken to look like Three Girl Rhumba's sword, and if I go the Namie route it's a pretty darn simple outfit, I already have the shoes and the creepy Seiji love, and could probably filch one of Dad's old lab coats.
- Kiiiiind of digging someone right now, even though I don't plan to ever make a move because we're too opposite to work out. And even though I have decided I am okay with admiring from afar, it still drives me mad to see him update Facebook about how awesome his girlfriend is. /SHOT
- I still have a massive, giant, dork-crush on Christopher Mintz-Plasse. You know, because crushing on some celebrity you will never meet in person and have no chance with is totally not as creepy as liking someone you do know in person and theoretically have a chance with. My logic -- behold.
- Have Trapt's new album in my possession. Must listen and plan AMVs to it I'll never actually make like I do with all their songs. Teh sad.
