Wait, there's love in this movie too, let's set that up properly: Yet More Wild Target! (Part 3)
Last time, we left Rose as...
... As she escaped from Abu, who I didn't really grab a picture of. What's with fictional Indians working in fictional convenience stores? Is that a common stereotype?
Oh man, these pictures really don't get across how furious Victor is. He's practically roaring.
And Tony is... learning from him? 8D
Throughout the rest of the car ride, we're treated to a montage of our trio actually getting along while cheery music plays. It's not too hard to predict where the plot will go from here...
And soon, they arrive at a house out in the middle of nowhere. Victor Maynard's house, of course!
"They're much bigger in person."
That's really all there is to say on the matter.
It was kind of hard to tell in that short look we got at the place back in the beginning of the movie, but yes: this man plastic-wraps his furniture. I'll let the fact sink in for a moment.
Did I mention Shoe was in this movie too?
I could photoshop a monocle and some stitches on those shots and it would be perfectly in-character.
D'aww, he likes Tony just that much. :3 We'll see what his room looks like in just a bit. I'm saying this because it's amazing.
... And it turns out he didn't help Rose up the stairs. Not very gentlemanly, but, uh, I can't say I blame him. She gets put in Mother's old room.
Victor Maynard's very first bedroom, folks.
I would seriously watch a movie that was solely about this horribly dysfunctional family. Man, between Victor and Shelly, who even has the most issues? Or are they in equal standing, only with slightly different problems? Something to think about.
By the way, we also learn that Tony's parents were always pretty absent. That explains a lot.
Meanwhile, Rose is going through Mother's shit. Of course.
Like her or not, Rose is the master of Sick Burns.
Facts: Ferguson survived. Poor Fat Subordinate is pretty much in a coma, but Fergie's intent on keeping him alive because he's been paid until the end of the month, dammit. Dixon makes the best faces.
Better fact: this movie has the best faces. Fact that I have already repeated to death: fuck the critics, the acting in this movie is great.
And now it's dinner time. Surely, with all of Victor's lonesome practising, he will be a charming host.
Or...
Well...
Just plain OCD.
He has a fucking awesome watch (and proceeds to slice the meat with it).
Girl, you gotta learn to be more appreciative of assassin habits if you wanna have a chance with Maynard! How do you think Mother won his dad over?
... No, Rose hasn't asked about Tony's weight yet.
It turns out she has a very specific kind of insomnia; she can only fall asleep with her head due South. So she was trying to flip the bed over. Obviously.
... Maybe I shouldn't be like that, there's probably someone else out there with that exact problem.
OR IS HE???
IT TURNS OUT HE IS NOT! HOW REFRESHING AND okay, it does make me laugh, but this was the most boring punchline possible. :T
And then Rose dances because annoying Victor is what she does best.
Meanwhile, Dixon is analysing the security footage from the good old hotel.
"And I say that even though sometimes he'll shoot people in the middle of the street. He's just that damn good."
I swear he has this bizarre mancrush on him, like an elementary school kid who says he is the best around and then he pulls a girl's hair and he goes home and daydreams about her.
Meanwhile, back at Maynard Manor (that's what I'm calling it because it sounds cool), the ultimate killing machine is about to flip his shit at a humane, if odd, gesture of goodwill.
Rose was going to plant some flowers for him, as thanks for last night. óuò (He had the brilliant idea of simply putting her pillow on the other end of the bed.)
... Devoid of context, this must sound pretty odd.
Heck, even in context it's a little bizarre. But... I like this sort of absurd humour.
... So then he orders her to get rid of the holes.
... And you know, maybe Nighy is overacting in this particular scene. You can't really tell through a simple screenshot, but he's jumping around and yelling like a gorilla.
Then again, Victor really, really likes his status quo.
She has a point. His "garden" is just grass and bushes.
... Oh, I should mention now that this is going to be a serious scene.
Shelly de Killer headcanon Shelly de Killer headcanon
Bleach. Cleanliness. Oddly funny face. Headcanon.
... Fine, fine, I confess. Even though this scene is a serious change of mood after all the absurdity, I liked it for how much it reminded me of... you know.
"I'll become like you. Afraid of everything." Or something like that, anyway, I'm sort of paraphrasing here.
Also there's a random shot of Tony training with a katana in the middle of this conversation. Uhh.
Being a hitman is sad and lonely and hard. At least when you've got a heart.
See, it's symbolic. Everything he touches is doomed to die.
"Uh, Naem, maybe it's just that he got distracted and--"
NO SHUT UP IT'S TOTALLY SYMBOLIC I ACED LITERATURE.
Oh, yes. There is another Naked Rupert Grint Smoking in a Bathtub scene. And this one is hilarious too.
Victor says he knows.
Would you react differently?
Assassins are often required to be masters of observation.
But we're not here to make cynical and unnecessary comments on the events. No, we're here to see Victor Maynard finally say what he's worried about.
Oh, yes. He means it...
This poor man really has no clue.
Victor does say he isn't, but hell, he's confused.
You know. Sexually.
So Tony has an idea. He arises.
Well, that settles that!
Or could he be sexually attracted to... plants?! Okay no that's dumb I don't want to ruin the joke here. ;;
Hey, remember this guy? He's the one who evaluated the painting way back in the beginning.
Dixon calls bullshit. 8)
Ah, yes, let me (finally) draw your attention to Dixon's assistant, Fabian. Lord knows why he keeps him around other than comedic value. Every time he says/does something idiotic, feel free to assume this happens:
Because chances are it does.
And everyone else in the scene will just sort of make this face.
"What flavour are these?" he asks.
...
In all fairness, that potpourri does look delicious.
And so they take off with the forgery...
And Dixon kills the guy just because he can. I love Dixon in the same way I love, say, Matt Engarde. Dear God.
Rose's insomnia continues to be insanely specific.
... Wait, oh God. It's this scene. Oh dear sweet God.
I... What do I say about the foot massage scene (other than "I bet Shelly is great at massages too")?
I mean, uh... other than this, which is just another line that's delightfully surreal when devoid of context.
You know what? Let me just show you the beginning:
And the end:
I will never not feel dirty when watching this scene. And I won't even go into the dialogue; there's some romantic stuff in it, but then it turns into most likely intended innuendo and LOOK IT JUST MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE, OKAY.
Aww, how sweet--
HOLY SWEET FUCKING JESUS BALLS DICKNUTS
Some critics argue that the "psycho grandma" character is overdone. And I agree. But Mother (apparently her name is Louise/Louisa?) isn't a plain old psycho - she's the wife of an assassin and the mother of another. She's perfectly sane, she's just nuts-- wait, no. She, uh... Look, she's just a killer. Please get my point. ;_;
Anyway, she has a motivation for doing this, so yes.
... A word of advice: don't insult dangerous armed people while they are in hearing range. And I'm sure Victor didn't appreciate hearing that either. 8|
Rose and Tony's "what the everloving fuck" goes unvoiced, but it's definitely on their faces.
... Ordinarily, I'd be happy with just that screenshot, but...
Now that I look at it, I'm glad I got this one.
God. I would really, really watch a movie about the Maynards and their home life.
And she has so many reasons for it. So many.
See? It's not just about Rose still being alive!
I MEAN, GEEZ.
If Shelly ever has a son...
Yes. They seriously just pulled "What Have I Become" card.
But don't worry. If I hated this movie by the end, I wouldn't be showing it to you.
Since, you know, all that just happened, Rose is going to sleep in Tony's room.
"Oh God, Naem, is this going where I think it's going?"
Yes, it is. Even if Tony isn't quite getting it yet, the poor kid.
"... Who?"
She ordered him to get in bed and everything, too.
One day, Tony. One day, you will get laid. I recommend a foot massage.
Wait, wait, so what--
Yes, thank you, Tony, that's a very good question.
:
Buh-- That's not... That doesn't... How-- Grrk--
Okay. Let me try to expose my thoughts with the minimal amount of hyperbole possible.
I realise that love often doesn't make sense. I realise that making sense is not necessarily a requirement in farcical comedy. But is it just me or does the romance in this movie really make no sense? Seriously, what happened?!
Oh, never mind. No point complaining about it. Next time, the movie ends! But how? PLACE YOUR BETS.
My third (fourth?) download of Cible Emouvante is nearly done after two days. I swear, if I see a single syllable of Russian in this one, I will cry in despair.
... As she escaped from Abu, who I didn't really grab a picture of. What's with fictional Indians working in fictional convenience stores? Is that a common stereotype?
Oh man, these pictures really don't get across how furious Victor is. He's practically roaring.
And Tony is... learning from him? 8D
Throughout the rest of the car ride, we're treated to a montage of our trio actually getting along while cheery music plays. It's not too hard to predict where the plot will go from here...
And soon, they arrive at a house out in the middle of nowhere. Victor Maynard's house, of course!
"They're much bigger in person."
That's really all there is to say on the matter.
It was kind of hard to tell in that short look we got at the place back in the beginning of the movie, but yes: this man plastic-wraps his furniture. I'll let the fact sink in for a moment.
Did I mention Shoe was in this movie too?
I could photoshop a monocle and some stitches on those shots and it would be perfectly in-character.
D'aww, he likes Tony just that much. :3 We'll see what his room looks like in just a bit. I'm saying this because it's amazing.
... And it turns out he didn't help Rose up the stairs. Not very gentlemanly, but, uh, I can't say I blame him. She gets put in Mother's old room.
Victor Maynard's very first bedroom, folks.
I would seriously watch a movie that was solely about this horribly dysfunctional family. Man, between Victor and Shelly, who even has the most issues? Or are they in equal standing, only with slightly different problems? Something to think about.
By the way, we also learn that Tony's parents were always pretty absent. That explains a lot.
Meanwhile, Rose is going through Mother's shit. Of course.
Like her or not, Rose is the master of Sick Burns.
Facts: Ferguson survived. Poor Fat Subordinate is pretty much in a coma, but Fergie's intent on keeping him alive because he's been paid until the end of the month, dammit. Dixon makes the best faces.
Better fact: this movie has the best faces. Fact that I have already repeated to death: fuck the critics, the acting in this movie is great.
And now it's dinner time. Surely, with all of Victor's lonesome practising, he will be a charming host.
Or...
Well...
Just plain OCD.
He has a fucking awesome watch (and proceeds to slice the meat with it).
Girl, you gotta learn to be more appreciative of assassin habits if you wanna have a chance with Maynard! How do you think Mother won his dad over?
... No, Rose hasn't asked about Tony's weight yet.
It turns out she has a very specific kind of insomnia; she can only fall asleep with her head due South. So she was trying to flip the bed over. Obviously.
... Maybe I shouldn't be like that, there's probably someone else out there with that exact problem.
OR IS HE???
IT TURNS OUT HE IS NOT! HOW REFRESHING AND okay, it does make me laugh, but this was the most boring punchline possible. :T
And then Rose dances because annoying Victor is what she does best.
Meanwhile, Dixon is analysing the security footage from the good old hotel.
"And I say that even though sometimes he'll shoot people in the middle of the street. He's just that damn good."
I swear he has this bizarre mancrush on him, like an elementary school kid who says he is the best around and then he pulls a girl's hair and he goes home and daydreams about her.
Meanwhile, back at Maynard Manor (that's what I'm calling it because it sounds cool), the ultimate killing machine is about to flip his shit at a humane, if odd, gesture of goodwill.
Rose was going to plant some flowers for him, as thanks for last night. óuò (He had the brilliant idea of simply putting her pillow on the other end of the bed.)
... Devoid of context, this must sound pretty odd.
Heck, even in context it's a little bizarre. But... I like this sort of absurd humour.
... So then he orders her to get rid of the holes.
... And you know, maybe Nighy is overacting in this particular scene. You can't really tell through a simple screenshot, but he's jumping around and yelling like a gorilla.
Then again, Victor really, really likes his status quo.
She has a point. His "garden" is just grass and bushes.
... Oh, I should mention now that this is going to be a serious scene.
Shelly de Killer headcanon Shelly de Killer headcanon
Bleach. Cleanliness. Oddly funny face. Headcanon.
... Fine, fine, I confess. Even though this scene is a serious change of mood after all the absurdity, I liked it for how much it reminded me of... you know.
"I'll become like you. Afraid of everything." Or something like that, anyway, I'm sort of paraphrasing here.
Also there's a random shot of Tony training with a katana in the middle of this conversation. Uhh.
Being a hitman is sad and lonely and hard. At least when you've got a heart.
See, it's symbolic. Everything he touches is doomed to die.
"Uh, Naem, maybe it's just that he got distracted and--"
NO SHUT UP IT'S TOTALLY SYMBOLIC I ACED LITERATURE.
Oh, yes. There is another Naked Rupert Grint Smoking in a Bathtub scene. And this one is hilarious too.
Victor says he knows.
Would you react differently?
Assassins are often required to be masters of observation.
But we're not here to make cynical and unnecessary comments on the events. No, we're here to see Victor Maynard finally say what he's worried about.
Oh, yes. He means it...
This poor man really has no clue.
Victor does say he isn't, but hell, he's confused.
You know. Sexually.
So Tony has an idea. He arises.
Well, that settles that!
Or could he be sexually attracted to... plants?! Okay no that's dumb I don't want to ruin the joke here. ;;
Hey, remember this guy? He's the one who evaluated the painting way back in the beginning.
Dixon calls bullshit. 8)
Ah, yes, let me (finally) draw your attention to Dixon's assistant, Fabian. Lord knows why he keeps him around other than comedic value. Every time he says/does something idiotic, feel free to assume this happens:
Because chances are it does.
And everyone else in the scene will just sort of make this face.
"What flavour are these?" he asks.
...
In all fairness, that potpourri does look delicious.
And so they take off with the forgery...
And Dixon kills the guy just because he can. I love Dixon in the same way I love, say, Matt Engarde. Dear God.
Rose's insomnia continues to be insanely specific.
... Wait, oh God. It's this scene. Oh dear sweet God.
I... What do I say about the foot massage scene (other than "I bet Shelly is great at massages too")?
I mean, uh... other than this, which is just another line that's delightfully surreal when devoid of context.
You know what? Let me just show you the beginning:
And the end:
I will never not feel dirty when watching this scene. And I won't even go into the dialogue; there's some romantic stuff in it, but then it turns into most likely intended innuendo and LOOK IT JUST MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE, OKAY.
Aww, how sweet--
HOLY SWEET FUCKING JESUS BALLS DICKNUTS
Some critics argue that the "psycho grandma" character is overdone. And I agree. But Mother (apparently her name is Louise/Louisa?) isn't a plain old psycho - she's the wife of an assassin and the mother of another. She's perfectly sane, she's just nuts-- wait, no. She, uh... Look, she's just a killer. Please get my point. ;_;
Anyway, she has a motivation for doing this, so yes.
... A word of advice: don't insult dangerous armed people while they are in hearing range. And I'm sure Victor didn't appreciate hearing that either. 8|
Rose and Tony's "what the everloving fuck" goes unvoiced, but it's definitely on their faces.
... Ordinarily, I'd be happy with just that screenshot, but...
Now that I look at it, I'm glad I got this one.
God. I would really, really watch a movie about the Maynards and their home life.
And she has so many reasons for it. So many.
See? It's not just about Rose still being alive!
I MEAN, GEEZ.
If Shelly ever has a son...
Yes. They seriously just pulled "What Have I Become" card.
But don't worry. If I hated this movie by the end, I wouldn't be showing it to you.
Since, you know, all that just happened, Rose is going to sleep in Tony's room.
"Oh God, Naem, is this going where I think it's going?"
Yes, it is. Even if Tony isn't quite getting it yet, the poor kid.
"... Who?"
She ordered him to get in bed and everything, too.
One day, Tony. One day, you will get laid. I recommend a foot massage.
Wait, wait, so what--
Yes, thank you, Tony, that's a very good question.
:
Buh-- That's not... That doesn't... How-- Grrk--
Okay. Let me try to expose my thoughts with the minimal amount of hyperbole possible.
I realise that love often doesn't make sense. I realise that making sense is not necessarily a requirement in farcical comedy. But is it just me or does the romance in this movie really make no sense? Seriously, what happened?!
Oh, never mind. No point complaining about it. Next time, the movie ends! But how? PLACE YOUR BETS.
My third (fourth?) download of Cible Emouvante is nearly done after two days. I swear, if I see a single syllable of Russian in this one, I will cry in despair.