Rose Petals and Crushed Glass
I am troubled by something, and I feel the need to write.. or rather as this case may be to type. My heart is heavy burdened and my thoughts forbid me to sleep from the circles they keep running.
I could simply think myself to sleep and forget whatever was troubling me with the onslaught of a bad day, but I do not wish to forget as it will perpetuate the cycle once more.
For too lond I have been running from things rather than attempting to work them out, rather than face things I pretend they do not exist. Denile I suppose. I cannot live that way any longer.
I have always had a great fear of rejection, strange you may say for someone who seems so self-confident and sure of her actions and beliefs. It is true though. For a time I felt it even necessary to lie in order to maintain a false acceptance by a group of people probably not even worth my time. I have built so many barriers and walls to fortify my being I can't recall where all the doors are anymore. I don't even think the fortress has doors anymore.
My fish died, not sure when which shows you how well I care for the creatures under my guardianship. Could have been days for all I know, last I saw it alive was before I left for vacation. The sucker is most definately floating though. The thing that bothers me is that fact that it doesn't bother me. I wonder if my dog died if that would bother me.
When did I become so jaded? So cold? When did I stop caring? Was it when I killed the rabits... yeah, it might have been then. I don't know, somethings broken inside of me and I do not know how to fix it. Hell I don't even know what it is.
I once asked a question on a forum that I frequent. How do you know when you are in love? It is an odd question to ask and most people never really consider it I suppose. It's connected somewhat with what has been troubling me this evening. I find it difficult to trust people, to really open up to them. I blame it on a fear of rejection but I don't think that is the case. I think that on a fundamental level I don't care anymore. Much the way I do not care when a pet of mine dies. In a way, I think that there is not really anyone who will give a damn about the petty thigns within the confines of my barriers, so why bother taking the effort to tear them down. Why bother taking the effort to attempt to find and fi that part of me that is broken.
I honestly do not know why I bother, but I can tell you that I hate this thing that I have become. I always have really. My life is entirely empty and bereft of the usual things that people have. I do not have friends, not in the sense that most people have friends.
Contemplate it for a moment. If you are lonely do you have someone to call randomly to talk to? Are there several people you would list whose couch you could crash on should you need a couch to crash on? Is there anyone you turn to when things go sour in your life, or a friend you would call to bail you out of jail should you do something stupid, or someone you confide secrets in? Is there anyone you have that you can bear your soul to in a moment of weakness and be consoled strengthened and feel better? I do not have that.
I have walled myself off nicely in a crysaline tower impenatrable by any approaching bystander. Yes, it is something I did to myself well long before I knew any of you who will potentially read this entry.
I, have been attempting to break down these barriers however. As I said, my life is empty. I envy you all deeply. Yes, that's an emotion not most would admit to, but I envy you all. The normalacy you exhibit in your lives. Hell I admire you all too, because it takes guts to care about anything in this world.
I suppose this post has duel purposes. For one, it is an attempt to take a sledgehammer to a few of the barriers surrounding myself and for two it's because I feel the need to write this all down in some diluded thought that if I do perhaps than it cease to bother me and leave me in peace.
I asked a question once on a forum I frequent: How do you know when you are in love? I asked this question because I thought once I was in love, but I do not think it was truly love now. I think rather I diluded myself into believing I was in love because I wanted so badly for a real friend. For someone I didn't have to play a part to be liked by, for someone who understood me and saw past my barriers, and mostly for someone I could actually lower my barriers around. The greater portion of last year was actually spent looking for someone such as that. I have ceased looking now.
I did find someone to suit my purpose and it was indeed a great game. Cat and mouse you might say, both playing a part in a badly written play.
I suppose not many have heard how my relationship with Brandon ended, truthfully I was rather bitter about it till recently and the wound was too raw to really speak about it civily. I, have reached a point of neutrality though you could say. Either way, I will explain it from my perspective. If he reads and wishes to correct me he may, as I stated it is merely the account from my perspective.
As I stated, I found someone who fit the bill for the part I wished him to play. [yes, rather cruel on myself but one must be honest with things] What I wanted was a knight in shining armor to save me from the nightmares of my own imagination. In a way I was highly childish, and in a way I still am though I am a bit wiser than I was.
I cannot say whether I truly did love Brandon or not, but I can say that at the time I believed I did and I always proceed in action upon what I believe to be the absolute truth. So for all intents and purposes, as I believed at the time I was in love we will say that I was in love.
At any rate, I think I dated him for around five months or so, I'm bad with dates so can't be certain. It was a full semester at USF though. The cause of the demise in our relationship was that he was scheduled to go to Iraq, which will undoubtably either make or break a rleationship anyways depending upon the actions taken by the parties involved.
At any rate, I do not know when he decided the relationship was over I do know however when I knew that it was impossible for me to have a relationship with him. It happened the week before he was supposed to fly out. During that week we had actually been chatting online every night, mainly about inconsequential things. I had kept up a correspondence as best I could while he was of and such, as it is the duty of a girlfriend or a friend for that matter to do such things, which at the time I thought we were friends.
Anyway, that saturday there was an Oushi meeting and I worked late because I spent all of my time working in the hopes of saving up some money and getting my life together and what not. [boy that fell through quick. XD] I got home and signed online as I usually do when I get off to unwind for a few hours and hopefully get to chat with the man I had decided I loved.
He was not online however, so of course the initial down heartedness ensues, but I went about my business as usual checking on some things and patching up a few others and such when a good friend of mine IM'd me with an odd query. said question was: did you know that Brandon was at the Oushi meeting?
Now this of course met with confusion by me, because Brandon was training in AIT or something so he could not have gone to an oushi meeting because he was not in Florida in the first place. Initial reaction of course is defense and denial, the thought being said friend must have seen someone who looked similiar but wasn't the same. Mistakes happen all the time.
Not so, as his next remark clearly showed: Yeah, I asked him where you were and he said you weren't there. He told me not to tell you that he had been there either, like I would do that for him.
This of course crushes me instantly because a million thoughts suddenly enter my mind at once. May I take this moment to remark that my folks had been badgering me for being faithful to him in the first place because they believed him to be a pathological lyer, I had informed of said things during our IM conversations and that he would have to work it out between himself and my father as to whether they would be on friendly terms again or not. I had actually been beating myself up mentally anytime I doubted him, telling myself that I was letting my parents run my life and that I knew him better than anyone and that my instincts were rarely wrong about people. [which they aren't, they can simply be clouded by human thoughts and emotions when I don't follow said initial instincts]
So low and behold, my parents have been proven right. But, I think because I foolishly give everyone the benefit of the doubt and numerous second chances, perhaps there is a resonable explaination for this, for instance he just got in today or something like that.
low and behold Brandon signs online just about then so I Im him with a simple query: You were at the oushi meeting tonight?
precisely in that manner, his response: Who told you.
needless to say the conversation generally degenerated from there until he said he had never intended for me to find out in the first place, that I should go ahead and be pissed at him or whatever. Though why he said that I'm not sure since I had beentyping in a perfectly civilized tone the entire conversation.
My response was that I was not pissed, that I was hurt. What I should have told him was that he had betrayed every ounce of trust and faith I had placed in him for the entirety of our relationship. Those things don't occur to you at the moment until later though, and my defensive barriers had already shut him out of my life at that time.
A bit of an over reaction. Not sure really. Frankly I place honesty as the highest policy of all. He had a fairwell party, invited friends over to game and stuff and his excuse that he didn't tell me that he was in town was because I would have wanted to see him and neither of us had money for gas to do that, so it would have been more painful than simply not telling me.
So betraying my trust is less painful than the facts of life and money? Not sure how that works out. I sound angery and bitter I suppose in this bit here, but I am not really. Simply trying to puzzle some things out.
At any rate, I felt betrayed by the one person I had attempted to actually trust. Which the usual reaction when that happens is to stop trusting people.
My question is, the one that has been bothering me for awhile and has inspired me to right this all out, How do you trust people? In general how do you do it. I've never found it easy in the first place to do, and when I did do it than I merely ended up getting hurt. People rarely see the real me, not the entirety of me.
They listen for five minutes and assume they know who I am. It's like looking at the cover art and assuming you know the content of a five hundred page novel. It does not work that way. It is draining, living up to people's expectations. Now that I've stopped though people think I am a hypocryt or something.
I am the same as I have always been, you have simply never taken the time to get to know who I am. Never taken the time to wonder if when I smile I am actually in pain or I'm happy. The reason I fell for Brandon was because he did, whether he was pretending or not I do not know. Frankly I do not really care either way because what is past is past and cannot be undone. I have seen his worst and I cannot abide his worst, ergo even if his best was real there is no chance of anything between us.
I do want love, but I want something that is real. I want someone who likes who I am for real, not simply the idea of who they think I am. That's something my parents will never really understand either. There was a boy I dated in high school that they are constantly harping on me to get back together with, but he does not love me. He loves the ideal of this perfect goddess he thinks that I am and I cannot live that way. I cannot survive on a pedestal. I want a man who will let me get down in the muck with him and a man who will drag me out when I get stuck in it. I want a man who understands me, who knows me, who really sees all of me not just the parts he wants to see and I do not think that is too much to ask for in life.
Unfortunately, if I am not able to trust people and I cannot build open relationships than that will never happen. I suppose that is part of the reason why I have written this. A sort of first step towards attaining a normalacy of sorts. An attempt, if you will, at trusting a world that so often is untrustworthy.
Eh, that is what has been bothering me anyway. Maybe I'll put this under a friends only or something since it's so freakishly long, even for one of my posts. I feel better though. I guess that's the purpose behind these journals, to vent the things that trouble you. eh, I can sleep now I think. Although, I have merely two and a half hours to sleep. -.-' mm... I never have figured out how to use this thing though. I'm technologically inept. *shrugs*
oh, while I'm in the process of bearing my soul, I do not want a boyfriend at this time. There is no one I am interested in in that capacity, and there is no one I find currently that I know well enough or has enough in common with me to suceed in a relationship with me. My life is too busy for a relationship, I have too many things to accomplish, and frankly I don't feel like the hassle either.
Also, let me state that I do not believe in 'flings' or 'just dating'. I see no point in either, and I do not lean anywhere near the friends with benefits route either. The only type of dating I'm interested in is long term with the potential of a commitment should we decide we like each other enough to grow old together. Since that is ultimately my goal, finding someone I like enough to grow old with, than I see no purpose in anything that will never even semblance that.
Hence why I have no prospects currently. OH, and while I'm at it too, I'm attracted to smart minds and not hot bodies. A good brain is worth a million times more than a good body. Because it is the mind that lasts while the body fades to dust.
oh, and if anyone recals that giant ass list I made on OA about my requirements in a boyfriend. I was serious about those. *rolls eyes* I don't know why anyone thinks I wasn't. foolish n00bs, falling in loe with the first pretty face you see. pff... I'm frankly sick of this gift that makes guys fall for me, it's frankly annoying as heck. *nods head* *mumbles incoherantly and heads to bed*
I could simply think myself to sleep and forget whatever was troubling me with the onslaught of a bad day, but I do not wish to forget as it will perpetuate the cycle once more.
For too lond I have been running from things rather than attempting to work them out, rather than face things I pretend they do not exist. Denile I suppose. I cannot live that way any longer.
I have always had a great fear of rejection, strange you may say for someone who seems so self-confident and sure of her actions and beliefs. It is true though. For a time I felt it even necessary to lie in order to maintain a false acceptance by a group of people probably not even worth my time. I have built so many barriers and walls to fortify my being I can't recall where all the doors are anymore. I don't even think the fortress has doors anymore.
My fish died, not sure when which shows you how well I care for the creatures under my guardianship. Could have been days for all I know, last I saw it alive was before I left for vacation. The sucker is most definately floating though. The thing that bothers me is that fact that it doesn't bother me. I wonder if my dog died if that would bother me.
When did I become so jaded? So cold? When did I stop caring? Was it when I killed the rabits... yeah, it might have been then. I don't know, somethings broken inside of me and I do not know how to fix it. Hell I don't even know what it is.
I once asked a question on a forum that I frequent. How do you know when you are in love? It is an odd question to ask and most people never really consider it I suppose. It's connected somewhat with what has been troubling me this evening. I find it difficult to trust people, to really open up to them. I blame it on a fear of rejection but I don't think that is the case. I think that on a fundamental level I don't care anymore. Much the way I do not care when a pet of mine dies. In a way, I think that there is not really anyone who will give a damn about the petty thigns within the confines of my barriers, so why bother taking the effort to tear them down. Why bother taking the effort to attempt to find and fi that part of me that is broken.
I honestly do not know why I bother, but I can tell you that I hate this thing that I have become. I always have really. My life is entirely empty and bereft of the usual things that people have. I do not have friends, not in the sense that most people have friends.
Contemplate it for a moment. If you are lonely do you have someone to call randomly to talk to? Are there several people you would list whose couch you could crash on should you need a couch to crash on? Is there anyone you turn to when things go sour in your life, or a friend you would call to bail you out of jail should you do something stupid, or someone you confide secrets in? Is there anyone you have that you can bear your soul to in a moment of weakness and be consoled strengthened and feel better? I do not have that.
I have walled myself off nicely in a crysaline tower impenatrable by any approaching bystander. Yes, it is something I did to myself well long before I knew any of you who will potentially read this entry.
I, have been attempting to break down these barriers however. As I said, my life is empty. I envy you all deeply. Yes, that's an emotion not most would admit to, but I envy you all. The normalacy you exhibit in your lives. Hell I admire you all too, because it takes guts to care about anything in this world.
I suppose this post has duel purposes. For one, it is an attempt to take a sledgehammer to a few of the barriers surrounding myself and for two it's because I feel the need to write this all down in some diluded thought that if I do perhaps than it cease to bother me and leave me in peace.
I asked a question once on a forum I frequent: How do you know when you are in love? I asked this question because I thought once I was in love, but I do not think it was truly love now. I think rather I diluded myself into believing I was in love because I wanted so badly for a real friend. For someone I didn't have to play a part to be liked by, for someone who understood me and saw past my barriers, and mostly for someone I could actually lower my barriers around. The greater portion of last year was actually spent looking for someone such as that. I have ceased looking now.
I did find someone to suit my purpose and it was indeed a great game. Cat and mouse you might say, both playing a part in a badly written play.
I suppose not many have heard how my relationship with Brandon ended, truthfully I was rather bitter about it till recently and the wound was too raw to really speak about it civily. I, have reached a point of neutrality though you could say. Either way, I will explain it from my perspective. If he reads and wishes to correct me he may, as I stated it is merely the account from my perspective.
As I stated, I found someone who fit the bill for the part I wished him to play. [yes, rather cruel on myself but one must be honest with things] What I wanted was a knight in shining armor to save me from the nightmares of my own imagination. In a way I was highly childish, and in a way I still am though I am a bit wiser than I was.
I cannot say whether I truly did love Brandon or not, but I can say that at the time I believed I did and I always proceed in action upon what I believe to be the absolute truth. So for all intents and purposes, as I believed at the time I was in love we will say that I was in love.
At any rate, I think I dated him for around five months or so, I'm bad with dates so can't be certain. It was a full semester at USF though. The cause of the demise in our relationship was that he was scheduled to go to Iraq, which will undoubtably either make or break a rleationship anyways depending upon the actions taken by the parties involved.
At any rate, I do not know when he decided the relationship was over I do know however when I knew that it was impossible for me to have a relationship with him. It happened the week before he was supposed to fly out. During that week we had actually been chatting online every night, mainly about inconsequential things. I had kept up a correspondence as best I could while he was of and such, as it is the duty of a girlfriend or a friend for that matter to do such things, which at the time I thought we were friends.
Anyway, that saturday there was an Oushi meeting and I worked late because I spent all of my time working in the hopes of saving up some money and getting my life together and what not. [boy that fell through quick. XD] I got home and signed online as I usually do when I get off to unwind for a few hours and hopefully get to chat with the man I had decided I loved.
He was not online however, so of course the initial down heartedness ensues, but I went about my business as usual checking on some things and patching up a few others and such when a good friend of mine IM'd me with an odd query. said question was: did you know that Brandon was at the Oushi meeting?
Now this of course met with confusion by me, because Brandon was training in AIT or something so he could not have gone to an oushi meeting because he was not in Florida in the first place. Initial reaction of course is defense and denial, the thought being said friend must have seen someone who looked similiar but wasn't the same. Mistakes happen all the time.
Not so, as his next remark clearly showed: Yeah, I asked him where you were and he said you weren't there. He told me not to tell you that he had been there either, like I would do that for him.
This of course crushes me instantly because a million thoughts suddenly enter my mind at once. May I take this moment to remark that my folks had been badgering me for being faithful to him in the first place because they believed him to be a pathological lyer, I had informed of said things during our IM conversations and that he would have to work it out between himself and my father as to whether they would be on friendly terms again or not. I had actually been beating myself up mentally anytime I doubted him, telling myself that I was letting my parents run my life and that I knew him better than anyone and that my instincts were rarely wrong about people. [which they aren't, they can simply be clouded by human thoughts and emotions when I don't follow said initial instincts]
So low and behold, my parents have been proven right. But, I think because I foolishly give everyone the benefit of the doubt and numerous second chances, perhaps there is a resonable explaination for this, for instance he just got in today or something like that.
low and behold Brandon signs online just about then so I Im him with a simple query: You were at the oushi meeting tonight?
precisely in that manner, his response: Who told you.
needless to say the conversation generally degenerated from there until he said he had never intended for me to find out in the first place, that I should go ahead and be pissed at him or whatever. Though why he said that I'm not sure since I had beentyping in a perfectly civilized tone the entire conversation.
My response was that I was not pissed, that I was hurt. What I should have told him was that he had betrayed every ounce of trust and faith I had placed in him for the entirety of our relationship. Those things don't occur to you at the moment until later though, and my defensive barriers had already shut him out of my life at that time.
A bit of an over reaction. Not sure really. Frankly I place honesty as the highest policy of all. He had a fairwell party, invited friends over to game and stuff and his excuse that he didn't tell me that he was in town was because I would have wanted to see him and neither of us had money for gas to do that, so it would have been more painful than simply not telling me.
So betraying my trust is less painful than the facts of life and money? Not sure how that works out. I sound angery and bitter I suppose in this bit here, but I am not really. Simply trying to puzzle some things out.
At any rate, I felt betrayed by the one person I had attempted to actually trust. Which the usual reaction when that happens is to stop trusting people.
My question is, the one that has been bothering me for awhile and has inspired me to right this all out, How do you trust people? In general how do you do it. I've never found it easy in the first place to do, and when I did do it than I merely ended up getting hurt. People rarely see the real me, not the entirety of me.
They listen for five minutes and assume they know who I am. It's like looking at the cover art and assuming you know the content of a five hundred page novel. It does not work that way. It is draining, living up to people's expectations. Now that I've stopped though people think I am a hypocryt or something.
I am the same as I have always been, you have simply never taken the time to get to know who I am. Never taken the time to wonder if when I smile I am actually in pain or I'm happy. The reason I fell for Brandon was because he did, whether he was pretending or not I do not know. Frankly I do not really care either way because what is past is past and cannot be undone. I have seen his worst and I cannot abide his worst, ergo even if his best was real there is no chance of anything between us.
I do want love, but I want something that is real. I want someone who likes who I am for real, not simply the idea of who they think I am. That's something my parents will never really understand either. There was a boy I dated in high school that they are constantly harping on me to get back together with, but he does not love me. He loves the ideal of this perfect goddess he thinks that I am and I cannot live that way. I cannot survive on a pedestal. I want a man who will let me get down in the muck with him and a man who will drag me out when I get stuck in it. I want a man who understands me, who knows me, who really sees all of me not just the parts he wants to see and I do not think that is too much to ask for in life.
Unfortunately, if I am not able to trust people and I cannot build open relationships than that will never happen. I suppose that is part of the reason why I have written this. A sort of first step towards attaining a normalacy of sorts. An attempt, if you will, at trusting a world that so often is untrustworthy.
Eh, that is what has been bothering me anyway. Maybe I'll put this under a friends only or something since it's so freakishly long, even for one of my posts. I feel better though. I guess that's the purpose behind these journals, to vent the things that trouble you. eh, I can sleep now I think. Although, I have merely two and a half hours to sleep. -.-' mm... I never have figured out how to use this thing though. I'm technologically inept. *shrugs*
oh, while I'm in the process of bearing my soul, I do not want a boyfriend at this time. There is no one I am interested in in that capacity, and there is no one I find currently that I know well enough or has enough in common with me to suceed in a relationship with me. My life is too busy for a relationship, I have too many things to accomplish, and frankly I don't feel like the hassle either.
Also, let me state that I do not believe in 'flings' or 'just dating'. I see no point in either, and I do not lean anywhere near the friends with benefits route either. The only type of dating I'm interested in is long term with the potential of a commitment should we decide we like each other enough to grow old together. Since that is ultimately my goal, finding someone I like enough to grow old with, than I see no purpose in anything that will never even semblance that.
Hence why I have no prospects currently. OH, and while I'm at it too, I'm attracted to smart minds and not hot bodies. A good brain is worth a million times more than a good body. Because it is the mind that lasts while the body fades to dust.
oh, and if anyone recals that giant ass list I made on OA about my requirements in a boyfriend. I was serious about those. *rolls eyes* I don't know why anyone thinks I wasn't. foolish n00bs, falling in loe with the first pretty face you see. pff... I'm frankly sick of this gift that makes guys fall for me, it's frankly annoying as heck. *nods head* *mumbles incoherantly and heads to bed*