warning, freakishly long post behind that cut. Click at your own risk
I feel dead right now. Dead and spiraling toward oblivion and the abyss of darkness that awaits. A pit without a bottom where I will simply fall for all eternity.
I suppose that is to be expected when you chain a portion of yourself up, especially after it has tasted a bit of freedom.
Heh, don't chain a dragon to roast your dinner meat is the saying that comes to mind. ^.^
It's all well and good while it's chained, but once it's been free.. once it's tasted what life is like without having the chain around it's kneck binding it into obedience... then it becomes difficult to re-chain it.
That is the way those portions of our personalities that we usually do not allow into society and public display are.
They are great dragons that we have caged and imprissioned within the confines of our minds and souls. Portions of ourselves we do not permit the leisure of movement.
I am not like most people however. Most people keep chained things like their anger, or hatred, or their lustful natures. Things that are frowned upon as bad in society such as greediness. Most people do not even realize the beast is chained because we are taught so early to chain them, to civilize ourselves and to be 'normal'.
I have never been normal, a flaw I do not think I can overcome without completely killing who I am. Undoubtably I will someday, in that effort to be excepted and loved we all will go to some extreme. We are not built to be solitary creatures after all.
I have not quite reached the point where I am willing to forsake all of myself for society and the feeling of belonging though. I doubt it would work completely anyway, because I would belong but I would be unable to enjoy the sensation anymore.
No, I do not lock away things that society deems evil unless I have decided they are evil as well. I lock away things that I view as a nuisance to my life, as a nuisance to creating a future in this world and this reality.
I do not recall the first thing I locked away about myself, I only recall I began the process when I was thirteen and went crazy for a space of time. [I'm within exceptable paramaters of crazy to opporate in society now] I believe it began by locking away my ability to trust.
That is of course a wise precaution, to not trust implicetely everyone you meet, as there are those in this world who are not entirely forthcoming. I suppose we all lock a bit of that away.
However, I forwent locking away my anger. Hence why I still have a temper problem to this day I suppose. I did however lock away my ability to feel sad roughly about the same I locked away my ability to trust.
I locked away the pieces of myself that I cherish, my aritistic talent, my firy nature, my off kilter sense of humour, my belief in good and light, my naivety, my ability to see beauty in everything. My ability to love completely and without expecting love in return. Various things like that, the htings that make me who I am.
My essence I suppose you could say. All those nifty little traits that make us individuals, make us different, and make us truly interesting main characters rather then simply two-dimensional beings on a drawing board.
I kept a few, some I merely dampened... but it's a hollow shell of who I really am. I cannot be myself though, the being I am cannot survive in this world. Far to frivilous in nature and such.
Hell, I can spend hours simply staring a fricken sky and watching the clouds change. And I'm constantly seeing things as though they were pictures, watching from a cinematographic perspective. Seeing through the eyes of an artist.
There is no room for that in this fast paced world. My true nature is slow, detail oriented, brilliant in it's own fashion, but it's completely and totally unsuited for this world. I suppose that's why I locked it away in the first place.
I'm speaking of my artistic side right now, my creative side. It is I think my true nature as it is the portion of myself that seeps into everything I do and every part of myself. It is the part of me that enjoys techno music. The part capable of feeling compassion. Of feeling passion. Of being emotional. Of living life to the fullest every day and sucking the marrow of enjoyment from every moment of the short existence in this world.
It is the part that can feel pain, and create beauty from it and not feel ashamed of crying when saddened and heavy hearted. It is the portion of myself that is insightful and witty, that thinks unconventionally and sees even more unconventionally. It is the portion of me that writes and is confident and never concerns herself with the thoughts others have for her and always cares for even the people she has just met as though they had been friends forever.
I like that part of me. I can't function when I am that person though. I can't be that person and live the life I am living and I do not know what life to live that will allow me to be that person. I do not think it exists in this world. Not anymore, probably never has.
I will not lie. I am destined to work at some menial task or another the rest of my life. My folks did before me, and their folks before them. I won't ever have money or the luxury of indulging myself with time or money. I doubt that I will find a man that I can completely and fully love with all of my heart. Someday I will settle for someone who is not entirely a bad companion, who keeps food on the table and doesn't mind raising a couple of kids and growing old together. I won't ever travel beyond America, will never visit foreign lands or become a photographer. I will never be published. There is nothing to look forward to in this world but an endless life of work supplanted if I am lucky by a few times when I can at least dilude myself into believing the lies I live are happy lies. THen I will die. No one will remember me, it is doubtful anyone will come to my funeral as I will probably outlive whatever husband I do marry, and I will rot in the ground.
What awaits in the afterlife I cannot be certain on. My hope, is that there is a God who exists and that he is the God i believe him to be. If that is not so, well then I was no worse off for believing in him then I would have been not believing in him. At least I had someone to talk to when I was lonely, and I had someone to tell my fears to in the darkness, and I had a hope that things in rough times would not always be hard.
I cannot help who I am. I cannot help the society I was born into. It doesn't matter anyway. Not really. In a few years, this will all have been a pointless endeavor.
All of it is a pointless endeavor. Nothing really lasts in this world.
I'm in a down cycle currently.
Have a mild case of manicdepressia. Never been to a doctor about it, seems a waste of money I do not have anyway. Not like I'm going to commit suicide or anything, haven't the stomach for it. Only reason I know is cause my biological father and my step-father both have it. Actually, it runs in my biological father's side of the family.
Practically all of 'em got it. You get over it after awhile though and learn to keep moving in your routine no matter how you feel. I suppose that's why I never stop even when I'm sick. It all seems the same to me.
Truthfully I find emotional maladies to be harder to deal with then physical ones. Being sick, who cares, a bit of pain. *shrugs* whatever, but a serious case of depression can wear me out fast. It's all the same to me though, I still work to get money to pay the bills no matter what condition I'm in.
Some might call it reliability. It's what's gotten me so many raises at work, and the promotion in responsibility and what not. In reality it's simply that I stopped paying attention to what happens inside and outside myself. Oh, I pay attention to my friends and the world around me. I could just care less about me. Honestly, whether I live or die does not matter in the least.
I asked once on a forum I frequent how you could tell if you were in love. It's because I've stopped paying attention to the signals my brain and my body send to me, so unless it's a head over heals obsession I will not notice. Just like I do not pay attention to anger unless it is an overwhelming rage and frustration, and I do not pay attention to depression unless it is the extreme of an anhilating black hole dragging me deep into a dark inky carvern of goo to drown me. And I do not feel happy unless it is that over the top manic sort of happy.
I am incapable anymore of feeling emotion unless it is an extreme emotion. Haven't been capable in a long while, well before I knew most of you who read this now. Probably well before I've ever known any of you who know me now. Most of my reactions to things are completely staged. When I am angery, I'm not really angery unless it's the explosion worthy anger that you can feel inthe pit of your stomach and causes me to start smashing things. I laugh when it is appropriate to laugh, I smile when it is appropriate to smile. I act bashful when it is expected that I should act bashful. But it does not necessarily mean I actually feel the emotion that I am portraying.
I actually... stumbled across myself when I was gone that week and a half. Being back in a car on the road, traveling with nothing but scenery and a drawing pad with some markers. It reminded me of when I was little and took me back to before when I began chaining myself into my roll of social obligation.
I freed the dragon, even just a litte bit, and I realized once again why it is that I love who I am. The result however, was not pleasant. The dragon is angry at having been chained for so long and being denied freedom. It is angry at the state of a world gone madd, it is angry at the fact that it knows it cannot exist in this world. That we will be forever alone if we try to be free.
I hate being alone. I hate being alone, and I fear being with people. Quite ironic wouldn't you say? I am a self-fullfilling prophecy in a way I suppose.
Anyway, I've chained the beast back up. It resigned itself willing. I suppose that was what started the down cycle. Maybe, maybe the chemicals in my brain just decided to say screw you. Either way, the day I came back to my house was the day my down cycle began and it's gotten steadily worse since then. Perhaps AFO will cheer me up a bit.
You'll know by if I'm drinking at the con or not I suppose. I do not drink when depressed. No reason for it. Drinking is not an escape and never will be an escape. If I were to start drinking when depressed that is what it would become, and frankly I've no desire to tempt being an alcoholic.
That being the case, I only drink when in a pleasant mood and with friends. So if I accept drinks at a party at the con [provided I actually attend any parties] then I'm in a good mood.
Heh, the mood currently shifts between apathy and despair. I'm listening to techno, digitaly imported on Winamp because techno usually cheers me up. It's not working though,so this one is pretty deep it seems. I have tomorrow off, perhaps I can get over it by then. If not it does not matter, not really. I'll still go to work as usual on Thursday. I need the money to fix my car.
And probably will need some dental work done soon, my teeth are killing me. Maybe my bottom wisdom teeth are coming in. The top ones came in without the least bit of pain, but the bottom one's could be different I suppose. Or maybe I simply have a high pain tolerance.
Eitherway, I am going to go do nothing for awhile until I feel tired. Not sure when that will be though or if it will be. Doesn't matter either way because I don't work tomorrow. heh... these techno songs merely remind me of people that I miss in life. Ah well, doesn't matter.
I'll be over it by morning anyway. Emotions are static and inconsitent things unworthy of relying on. One moment here the next gone. Never stable.
night or something I guess.
Now, when I say something is freakishly huge, I mean it's FREAKISHLY huge. So you are forwarned.
I suppose that is to be expected when you chain a portion of yourself up, especially after it has tasted a bit of freedom.
Heh, don't chain a dragon to roast your dinner meat is the saying that comes to mind. ^.^
It's all well and good while it's chained, but once it's been free.. once it's tasted what life is like without having the chain around it's kneck binding it into obedience... then it becomes difficult to re-chain it.
That is the way those portions of our personalities that we usually do not allow into society and public display are.
They are great dragons that we have caged and imprissioned within the confines of our minds and souls. Portions of ourselves we do not permit the leisure of movement.
I am not like most people however. Most people keep chained things like their anger, or hatred, or their lustful natures. Things that are frowned upon as bad in society such as greediness. Most people do not even realize the beast is chained because we are taught so early to chain them, to civilize ourselves and to be 'normal'.
I have never been normal, a flaw I do not think I can overcome without completely killing who I am. Undoubtably I will someday, in that effort to be excepted and loved we all will go to some extreme. We are not built to be solitary creatures after all.
I have not quite reached the point where I am willing to forsake all of myself for society and the feeling of belonging though. I doubt it would work completely anyway, because I would belong but I would be unable to enjoy the sensation anymore.
No, I do not lock away things that society deems evil unless I have decided they are evil as well. I lock away things that I view as a nuisance to my life, as a nuisance to creating a future in this world and this reality.
I do not recall the first thing I locked away about myself, I only recall I began the process when I was thirteen and went crazy for a space of time. [I'm within exceptable paramaters of crazy to opporate in society now] I believe it began by locking away my ability to trust.
That is of course a wise precaution, to not trust implicetely everyone you meet, as there are those in this world who are not entirely forthcoming. I suppose we all lock a bit of that away.
However, I forwent locking away my anger. Hence why I still have a temper problem to this day I suppose. I did however lock away my ability to feel sad roughly about the same I locked away my ability to trust.
I locked away the pieces of myself that I cherish, my aritistic talent, my firy nature, my off kilter sense of humour, my belief in good and light, my naivety, my ability to see beauty in everything. My ability to love completely and without expecting love in return. Various things like that, the htings that make me who I am.
My essence I suppose you could say. All those nifty little traits that make us individuals, make us different, and make us truly interesting main characters rather then simply two-dimensional beings on a drawing board.
I kept a few, some I merely dampened... but it's a hollow shell of who I really am. I cannot be myself though, the being I am cannot survive in this world. Far to frivilous in nature and such.
Hell, I can spend hours simply staring a fricken sky and watching the clouds change. And I'm constantly seeing things as though they were pictures, watching from a cinematographic perspective. Seeing through the eyes of an artist.
There is no room for that in this fast paced world. My true nature is slow, detail oriented, brilliant in it's own fashion, but it's completely and totally unsuited for this world. I suppose that's why I locked it away in the first place.
I'm speaking of my artistic side right now, my creative side. It is I think my true nature as it is the portion of myself that seeps into everything I do and every part of myself. It is the part of me that enjoys techno music. The part capable of feeling compassion. Of feeling passion. Of being emotional. Of living life to the fullest every day and sucking the marrow of enjoyment from every moment of the short existence in this world.
It is the part that can feel pain, and create beauty from it and not feel ashamed of crying when saddened and heavy hearted. It is the portion of myself that is insightful and witty, that thinks unconventionally and sees even more unconventionally. It is the portion of me that writes and is confident and never concerns herself with the thoughts others have for her and always cares for even the people she has just met as though they had been friends forever.
I like that part of me. I can't function when I am that person though. I can't be that person and live the life I am living and I do not know what life to live that will allow me to be that person. I do not think it exists in this world. Not anymore, probably never has.
I will not lie. I am destined to work at some menial task or another the rest of my life. My folks did before me, and their folks before them. I won't ever have money or the luxury of indulging myself with time or money. I doubt that I will find a man that I can completely and fully love with all of my heart. Someday I will settle for someone who is not entirely a bad companion, who keeps food on the table and doesn't mind raising a couple of kids and growing old together. I won't ever travel beyond America, will never visit foreign lands or become a photographer. I will never be published. There is nothing to look forward to in this world but an endless life of work supplanted if I am lucky by a few times when I can at least dilude myself into believing the lies I live are happy lies. THen I will die. No one will remember me, it is doubtful anyone will come to my funeral as I will probably outlive whatever husband I do marry, and I will rot in the ground.
What awaits in the afterlife I cannot be certain on. My hope, is that there is a God who exists and that he is the God i believe him to be. If that is not so, well then I was no worse off for believing in him then I would have been not believing in him. At least I had someone to talk to when I was lonely, and I had someone to tell my fears to in the darkness, and I had a hope that things in rough times would not always be hard.
I cannot help who I am. I cannot help the society I was born into. It doesn't matter anyway. Not really. In a few years, this will all have been a pointless endeavor.
All of it is a pointless endeavor. Nothing really lasts in this world.
I'm in a down cycle currently.
Have a mild case of manicdepressia. Never been to a doctor about it, seems a waste of money I do not have anyway. Not like I'm going to commit suicide or anything, haven't the stomach for it. Only reason I know is cause my biological father and my step-father both have it. Actually, it runs in my biological father's side of the family.
Practically all of 'em got it. You get over it after awhile though and learn to keep moving in your routine no matter how you feel. I suppose that's why I never stop even when I'm sick. It all seems the same to me.
Truthfully I find emotional maladies to be harder to deal with then physical ones. Being sick, who cares, a bit of pain. *shrugs* whatever, but a serious case of depression can wear me out fast. It's all the same to me though, I still work to get money to pay the bills no matter what condition I'm in.
Some might call it reliability. It's what's gotten me so many raises at work, and the promotion in responsibility and what not. In reality it's simply that I stopped paying attention to what happens inside and outside myself. Oh, I pay attention to my friends and the world around me. I could just care less about me. Honestly, whether I live or die does not matter in the least.
I asked once on a forum I frequent how you could tell if you were in love. It's because I've stopped paying attention to the signals my brain and my body send to me, so unless it's a head over heals obsession I will not notice. Just like I do not pay attention to anger unless it is an overwhelming rage and frustration, and I do not pay attention to depression unless it is the extreme of an anhilating black hole dragging me deep into a dark inky carvern of goo to drown me. And I do not feel happy unless it is that over the top manic sort of happy.
I am incapable anymore of feeling emotion unless it is an extreme emotion. Haven't been capable in a long while, well before I knew most of you who read this now. Probably well before I've ever known any of you who know me now. Most of my reactions to things are completely staged. When I am angery, I'm not really angery unless it's the explosion worthy anger that you can feel inthe pit of your stomach and causes me to start smashing things. I laugh when it is appropriate to laugh, I smile when it is appropriate to smile. I act bashful when it is expected that I should act bashful. But it does not necessarily mean I actually feel the emotion that I am portraying.
I actually... stumbled across myself when I was gone that week and a half. Being back in a car on the road, traveling with nothing but scenery and a drawing pad with some markers. It reminded me of when I was little and took me back to before when I began chaining myself into my roll of social obligation.
I freed the dragon, even just a litte bit, and I realized once again why it is that I love who I am. The result however, was not pleasant. The dragon is angry at having been chained for so long and being denied freedom. It is angry at the state of a world gone madd, it is angry at the fact that it knows it cannot exist in this world. That we will be forever alone if we try to be free.
I hate being alone. I hate being alone, and I fear being with people. Quite ironic wouldn't you say? I am a self-fullfilling prophecy in a way I suppose.
Anyway, I've chained the beast back up. It resigned itself willing. I suppose that was what started the down cycle. Maybe, maybe the chemicals in my brain just decided to say screw you. Either way, the day I came back to my house was the day my down cycle began and it's gotten steadily worse since then. Perhaps AFO will cheer me up a bit.
You'll know by if I'm drinking at the con or not I suppose. I do not drink when depressed. No reason for it. Drinking is not an escape and never will be an escape. If I were to start drinking when depressed that is what it would become, and frankly I've no desire to tempt being an alcoholic.
That being the case, I only drink when in a pleasant mood and with friends. So if I accept drinks at a party at the con [provided I actually attend any parties] then I'm in a good mood.
Heh, the mood currently shifts between apathy and despair. I'm listening to techno, digitaly imported on Winamp because techno usually cheers me up. It's not working though,so this one is pretty deep it seems. I have tomorrow off, perhaps I can get over it by then. If not it does not matter, not really. I'll still go to work as usual on Thursday. I need the money to fix my car.
And probably will need some dental work done soon, my teeth are killing me. Maybe my bottom wisdom teeth are coming in. The top ones came in without the least bit of pain, but the bottom one's could be different I suppose. Or maybe I simply have a high pain tolerance.
Eitherway, I am going to go do nothing for awhile until I feel tired. Not sure when that will be though or if it will be. Doesn't matter either way because I don't work tomorrow. heh... these techno songs merely remind me of people that I miss in life. Ah well, doesn't matter.
I'll be over it by morning anyway. Emotions are static and inconsitent things unworthy of relying on. One moment here the next gone. Never stable.
night or something I guess.
Now, when I say something is freakishly huge, I mean it's FREAKISHLY huge. So you are forwarned.