fuck.
Sample of what I must contend with presently:
Setting: the landscape of my mind
Creative Self: Ah... papers... tests... it's all so troublesome and boring and stressful, why am I bothering with this stuff. I don't want to do any of this, I want to write something.
Rational self: We can't right now, we have too much to do.
Creative Self: well... we could do it later. It would be much more fun to write, I haven't written in so long. Or draw something, we drew in class today, it was fabulous. I really think we should draw. Work is just so troublesome, honestly you never enjoy life anymore. Always working what's rational and best for the future. What about today?
Voice: Not this again. Do you remember what happened last time you put off the work till later? You never fucking did it you moron. You're going to fucking do it again aren't you, and than where the hell will we end up? You'll fail out of college AGAIN you fucking asshole all because you want draw! Egads you are such a moron, you had to pick now to show back up didn't you? We were getting along perfectly well without you.
Creative Self: I am the keeper of happiness. I come when there is happiness, and without me there is no happiness.
Voice 1: Who the fuck needs happiness? All you ever do is cause problems you fucking moron, and bring massive unhappiness. You live in a dillusional fairy world, well I have news. THIS IS REALITY! In reality there are fucking consequences for our actions retard.
Rational Self: I suppose I'm supposed to referee this battle, come up with a solution between the two. I can understand both sides honestly.
Voice 2: It seems like such a bother though.
Voice 1: Everything seems like a bother to you. My god, look at this! You see what you do! For fucks sake we're talking to ourselves. It's all your fault, when you aren't around we don't have this fucking problem.
Voice 3: That is true, without creativity we sort of just... sit. Banter at an unconscious level occasional, but mainly remain as unidentified blips of energy transfered across the neurons and such. Usually just a vague feeling, but never anything this concrete with such elaborate personality systems.
Creative Self: Hey, I could have given us all names too. So I'm not all that bad.
Rational Self: That's merely because I wouldn't allow such stupidity. Honestly, giving them names. Technically I shouldn't even allow this conversation to continue it's rather pointless.
Voice 2: Why bother...
Rational Self: There are more pressing matters. Also, you are wrong. Analysis shows that we are happier when Creativity is present, sadness is caused simply because we cannot allow creativity to be present. It is not condusive to the best results in the future, therefore it is merely an immediate happiness and not one that should be indulged in. This fact is what makes us depressed, and not creativities presence.
Voice 1: You're a fucking moron. I don't know why you don't just get rid of it, it's not like it's necessary. In fact you know it's not necessary. It hinders a productive and happy life in this world. Yet you foolishly allow it to exist. You really are an imbecile.
Me: I don't have time to deal with this right now. Yes, I know I'm an idiot. Yes I know that doing creative things makes me happy, and yes I know that I have no time to do them.
Keeper of the History: There is a time and place for everything.
Me: Yes, and right now isn't the time for it.
Voice 1: moron.
yes... so things are looking lovely in my little mindscape. I have a paper to write. Two tests and a quiz to study for. I feel massively stressed and anxious right now and like I can't deal with people, or outside stimuli, or life in general. I don't even feel like I can really deal with what I absolutely have to deal with. I feel like I'm in quicksand, or drowning, and the same panic that usually accompanies both is there as well.
It shifts between simple agitation to a down right panic attack complete with the irational pictures of my life crashing and burning before my eyes and I start to hyperventilate.
I know, I know. Just take a deep breath and relax and put it all in perspective. Problem is, I can't focus. My mind is all over the place, jumping and skipping as though it's a scratched CD. I can't seem to get going on what I know needs to be done, and the longer I wait the more paniced I become.
ONly way to resolve it is to simply do it and whatever is done is done. *sigh* Which is what I will do of course, inevitably my rational side always wins out in arguments such as this. But, it's quite troublesome to have to deal with the emotional ringing that goes with it. Honestly why do I do this to myself? I've known about the paper for at least a month, and I knew when it was assigned something like this would happen if I didn't just sit down and do it then. And what did I do? Like a fucking moron I didn't sit down and do it. Well I made my bed and have to lie in it I suppose.
Eh, anyway... felt like venting some of this excess energy. Now that it's vented time to get cracking on the work that needs to be done.