Matt feels awkward to be hand-holding now. But he's so not about to be the one to let go.
"... I would have to calibrate it to the scale of would it bother you," he says.
Pause.
"But, on its own as a variable ... with one being least like and ten most likely? Somewhere. I don't know. Like an eight. Maybe a seven." Pause. "Actually seven."
"Okay. On a scale of it bothering me, it -- I think honestly that would depend on who it was. And maybe on what it was. Like, are you talking about sex, or are you talking about the kind of thing you wanted to have with Ronan?"
"Almost entirely the former. I mean. I tend to like people I sleep with." Even if 'like' sometimes mean 'have a general good feeling about despite any lack of corroborative evidence.'
"Okay," again. She's been saying that a lot this conversation.
"And -- okay."
This next question is hard. She lets go of his hand -- she turns it into brushing her hair back from her face, but she doesn't offer to take his hand again yet. It feels like it might be unfair.
"You don't have to answer this if you don't know the answer, but: since we're not having sex right now, if I asked you not to have sex with other people either, how unhappy would that make you?"
"It wasn't bad when I was just at home. Mostly spirits and ... I didn't go ... looking." Wait maybe he should qualify that spirit thing. "But it's ... kind of been awhile. And now that I keep winding up back here--"
He shrugs.
Even in the big city, it's not always easy running into the right kind of people.
"I mean . . . look, if we're dating, it's a lot more important to me that you're happy, and safe and healthy, than that I get exclusive rights to your time or whatever. I guess" -- glancing up at him -- "I guess I'd still like to come first? --Crap." She winces. "That sounded really selfish."
Shit, they've been through enough together-and-in-each-other's-general-vicinity at this point.
"No," he says. "It really doesn't sound selfish. And I'm pretty certain I could say that with confidence that you would, absolutely. But uh. What does coming first mean to you?"
He wants to sound a lot suaver on that question, but mostly sounds kind of uncertain.
She lets out a huff of laughter. "Um, good question. That you spend as much time with me as anyone else, I guess?"
Any other answers to that are getting into abstract emotional territory, and she's not sure how she would even talk about it. There's probably a whole vocabulary set in the Speech for this kind of thing, but she sure as hell doesn't know it.
She blows out another breath, then holds her hand out to him.
"I don't know, Matt, I can't think of anything external. I mean, I could say something like 'think about me before you hook up with someone else,' but I don't want to be, like, relationship-Big-Brother."
But being glad he told her things on the topic of being into other people is sort of vaguely promising, right?
"Okay but what if I can't keep it under control?" he says suddenly.
Reply
Reply
"I know, I know, you think make a decision. It's not that hard. And yet."
Reply
"Um."
Give her a sec to think about that one.
"Um -- on a scale of one to ten, how likely do you think it is that you won't be able to keep it under control?"
Reply
"... I would have to calibrate it to the scale of would it bother you," he says.
Pause.
"But, on its own as a variable ... with one being least like and ten most likely? Somewhere. I don't know. Like an eight. Maybe a seven." Pause. "Actually seven."
Reply
"Okay. On a scale of it bothering me, it -- I think honestly that would depend on who it was. And maybe on what it was. Like, are you talking about sex, or are you talking about the kind of thing you wanted to have with Ronan?"
Reply
"I think," he says slowly.
"Almost entirely the former. I mean. I tend to like people I sleep with." Even if 'like' sometimes mean 'have a general good feeling about despite any lack of corroborative evidence.'
Reply
"And -- okay."
This next question is hard. She lets go of his hand -- she turns it into brushing her hair back from her face, but she doesn't offer to take his hand again yet. It feels like it might be unfair.
"You don't have to answer this if you don't know the answer, but: since we're not having sex right now, if I asked you not to have sex with other people either, how unhappy would that make you?"
Reply
Matt opens his mouth to speak, then shuts it. It stays shut for a while.
"First of all," he says.
"It wouldn't be 'since we're not having sex right now.' It ... is a me thing."
Reply
. . . She feels like kind of a jerk for asking such an uncomfortable question.
Reply
"I mean," he says, a little quieter.
"It wasn't bad when I was just at home. Mostly spirits and ... I didn't go ... looking." Wait maybe he should qualify that spirit thing. "But it's ... kind of been awhile. And now that I keep winding up back here--"
He shrugs.
Even in the big city, it's not always easy running into the right kind of people.
"There's ... less to explain here."
Reply
She blows out a breath.
"I mean . . . look, if we're dating, it's a lot more important to me that you're happy, and safe and healthy, than that I get exclusive rights to your time or whatever. I guess" -- glancing up at him -- "I guess I'd still like to come first? --Crap." She winces. "That sounded really selfish."
Reply
"No--"
Shit, they've been through enough together-and-in-each-other's-general-vicinity at this point.
"No," he says. "It really doesn't sound selfish. And I'm pretty certain I could say that with confidence that you would, absolutely. But uh. What does coming first mean to you?"
He wants to sound a lot suaver on that question, but mostly sounds kind of uncertain.
You wanted to give this a shot, dude.
Reply
Any other answers to that are getting into abstract emotional territory, and she's not sure how she would even talk about it. There's probably a whole vocabulary set in the Speech for this kind of thing, but she sure as hell doesn't know it.
Reply
"That sounds suspiciously easy to calibrate in wrong directions. Or. Unintended ones."
Reply
She blows out another breath, then holds her hand out to him.
"I don't know, Matt, I can't think of anything external. I mean, I could say something like 'think about me before you hook up with someone else,' but I don't want to be, like, relationship-Big-Brother."
Reply
Leave a comment