Day 7, Like I Loved You, Dynasty, Steven/Luke, Steven/OMC,,PG-13
Title: Like I Loved You
Author: joanne_c
Fandom: Dynasty
Pairing/character: Steven Carrington/Luke Fuller, Steven Carrington/OMC
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Dynasty belongs to the Aaron Spelling estate and other people who are not me.
Note: On the list of things I never thought I'd write? More than one Dynasty fic. But well, I got an idea....
Some days I wonder if I'm really being fair to anyone.
Including your memory. Here I am, standing at your memorial and talking to you, all these years later. I don't even know if that's fair, if I should let you rest in peace, Luke.
Then again, you probably are more at peace than I am, even after all these years.
Not about you... I'll never be at peace with how you were ripped away from me. Not if I live another hundred lifetimes.
I've become more peaceful about other things. Accepted who I am and my place in the world. Even got my dad to accept it, and that's probably nearly entirely due to Krystle, because she's an amazing lady who seems to understand a lot more than she's given credit for at times.
So why is it you I'm thinking about today? It's not even near the anniversary - I'd almost understand that. I still close myself away with a bottle of booze and my hand and think about you and how your lips felt, your hands on me... until I come and somehow that cleanses me for the year.
I have someone in my life. He's amazing. He's not you... he's a lot different than you, really. He's kind and gentle - not that you weren't those things. He's... Luke, he's safe. He gets along with my dad, and he cooks for me, holds the car door open for me... he plays classical music and pours wine every night. He makes love to me... and it's good. We're talking about making it legal.
I wish I could have had that with you. I wish you could have lived to see it happen.
I wish he could make me feel one tenth of the passion I felt with you. The biting, the angry sex when we fought over something that seemed so insignificant... hell, it probably was, because I don't think I could remember the reason for one fight.
You kissing me like your life depended on it as rain poured down on us, never even making a move to go inside because it would ruin the moment... you tying me up and teasing me emrcilessly until I begged for release - and didn't always get it just when I wanted it.
I think he'd faint if I brought out handcuffs.
It's not the same without you, anyway.
He loves me... he does. I love him, really. Even if it's a much more comfortable love than we had.
It's not like I loved you.
I know I could never find what we had again. I tried. Went to those clubs. Tried... felt used and dirty.
Knew then it was you, not the props.
Put that side of me away.
Mourned you - again, really. Gave myself time to do that. Even time to consider if I wanted to spend the rest of my life alone, as Uncle Steven to the kids. Seriously thought about it. Until I realised I couldn't.
Started dating.
He's the first one I haven't pushed away for not being you. That probably says something.
I don't know if it does or not. But he's here and alive and I need someone.
Is that fair? To let him think he has all of me?
But in all the ways that matter, he does. It's just that a part of me was lost when you died. That part was always yours. Always will be yours.
I can't be alone forever.
I'm not betraying anyone by finding him.
And yet... I don't love him like I loved you. And some days that guilt tears me apart.
Author: joanne_c
Fandom: Dynasty
Pairing/character: Steven Carrington/Luke Fuller, Steven Carrington/OMC
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Dynasty belongs to the Aaron Spelling estate and other people who are not me.
Note: On the list of things I never thought I'd write? More than one Dynasty fic. But well, I got an idea....
Some days I wonder if I'm really being fair to anyone.
Including your memory. Here I am, standing at your memorial and talking to you, all these years later. I don't even know if that's fair, if I should let you rest in peace, Luke.
Then again, you probably are more at peace than I am, even after all these years.
Not about you... I'll never be at peace with how you were ripped away from me. Not if I live another hundred lifetimes.
I've become more peaceful about other things. Accepted who I am and my place in the world. Even got my dad to accept it, and that's probably nearly entirely due to Krystle, because she's an amazing lady who seems to understand a lot more than she's given credit for at times.
So why is it you I'm thinking about today? It's not even near the anniversary - I'd almost understand that. I still close myself away with a bottle of booze and my hand and think about you and how your lips felt, your hands on me... until I come and somehow that cleanses me for the year.
I have someone in my life. He's amazing. He's not you... he's a lot different than you, really. He's kind and gentle - not that you weren't those things. He's... Luke, he's safe. He gets along with my dad, and he cooks for me, holds the car door open for me... he plays classical music and pours wine every night. He makes love to me... and it's good. We're talking about making it legal.
I wish I could have had that with you. I wish you could have lived to see it happen.
I wish he could make me feel one tenth of the passion I felt with you. The biting, the angry sex when we fought over something that seemed so insignificant... hell, it probably was, because I don't think I could remember the reason for one fight.
You kissing me like your life depended on it as rain poured down on us, never even making a move to go inside because it would ruin the moment... you tying me up and teasing me emrcilessly until I begged for release - and didn't always get it just when I wanted it.
I think he'd faint if I brought out handcuffs.
It's not the same without you, anyway.
He loves me... he does. I love him, really. Even if it's a much more comfortable love than we had.
It's not like I loved you.
I know I could never find what we had again. I tried. Went to those clubs. Tried... felt used and dirty.
Knew then it was you, not the props.
Put that side of me away.
Mourned you - again, really. Gave myself time to do that. Even time to consider if I wanted to spend the rest of my life alone, as Uncle Steven to the kids. Seriously thought about it. Until I realised I couldn't.
Started dating.
He's the first one I haven't pushed away for not being you. That probably says something.
I don't know if it does or not. But he's here and alive and I need someone.
Is that fair? To let him think he has all of me?
But in all the ways that matter, he does. It's just that a part of me was lost when you died. That part was always yours. Always will be yours.
I can't be alone forever.
I'm not betraying anyone by finding him.
And yet... I don't love him like I loved you. And some days that guilt tears me apart.