English 4 Short Story

[miyabi121190]

Comments

[scarybaldguy]

One foot was bare; the other clad in a broken black high heal heel.

She went on screaming for nearly a thirty seconds
And as we discussed, the corporal would have saluted first, not the captain.

Otherwise, *wibble*.

[arthur_sc_king]

There are a lot of places I'd suggest submitting a story like that; however, an average American public high school ain't one of 'em.

Unless, of course, you like things like psychiatric evaluations.... %-) Think carefully about whether your teacher will (a) hate it immediately just 'cause "OMGWTFBBQ it's sick sci-fi and BLOOD!!!!11!1!111!!!eleventy-one!!!", (b) immediately assume that you're a psycho hosebeast, Dylan and Eric wrapped together, or (c) be cool with it and evaluate it on its own merits. If (a) or (b), well, see my first paragraph.

Damn fine job, methinks. Although the heal/heel thing drives me absolutely insane....

[m_fallenangel]

I think zombie stories, movies and sequence of events are mainstream enough that the whole psych eval thing is a long shot.

Of course, suspension because the story has OMFG GUNS!... That may be another issue.

[scarybaldguy]

Ya, I thought about that. Since she obviously knows what she's talking about, there might be a question of how she came by that knowledge. 14 years of living in rural Missouri should answer nicely.

creepy

[pookiegroupie]

and that's a compliment.

it had me guessing for a long time.

[m_fallenangel]

Nicely done. There are a couple places I'd tighten the language a bit, but there's nothing that trips up the flow.

Good story, well rendered.

[takhisis]

I think it's a very solid concept and good writing, but a few places & concepts that would need tightening up to make it professional level.

Yeah, professional. As in "leagues above your average student writing" ;)

Although I agree with the commenter above, unless you have a seriously cool English teacher, I'd think twice about submitting this kind of thing in a HS class. This is coming from the experience of a girl who spent 4 years in school-mandated group therapy (and this was pre-Columbine) for submitting a similarly-themed story in English class. Your average high school teacher doesn't handle horror well. ;) (If you're lucky enough to have a teacher who is an exception, good on ya!)

[scarybaldguy]

This is the class where they were working on "Howl" until one of the school administrators had an attack of the vapors. I wouldn't worry about it.

[takhisis]

Okay, just putting it out there because it took me totally by surprise at the time, so I figured I didn't want anyone, especially someone I liked and respected, to get caught in the same trap.

And at any rate, Erin, if you'd like a Beta or editor on this one if you're looking to submit it, I'd be more than happy to volunteer.

[miyabi121190]

That would be really cool, but I don't know what I'd submit it to.