"I wonder why I think That I'll be missed" - you can never know what other people are thinking, and when you try to guess, you'll usually be wrong. so yeah, i think if you are actually thinking these things, you need to reconsider alot. because you probably have more worth living for than you realize at the moment. is temporary release of pain by cutting yourself worth permanent scars of how unclearly you were thinking at one point in time?
but who am i to tell you this. i don't know you or your life... but just consider it.
not thinking, living, and im not a cutter, that part is about suicide, the second to last octave is about suicide, and the last octave is about the end of a persons life, their life coming to a close. BOOZ
Slit my wrists Bleed it all out <--- i saw this, i addressed it. i understand the rest is about suicide, but that part is about cutting is it not? so its not like i fabricated the idea of cutting, because you said that.
and im not going to preach to you, i dont even know you, thats not my place... but i just dont see why you would kill yourself before you've experienced the majority of your life. if you'd like to enlighten me, i'd be very interested in listening. thanks booz. or do i hafta capitalize it? BOOZ, thanks.
There are some points where the rhyme seems forced. For example, "The drips of blood On my bathroom floor. O, I don't got No problems anymore" might sound a little smoother if re-worded. Maybe, "The drips of blood on my bathroom floor. No, I don't have any problems anymore."
I also don't think vulgarity helps get any message across. I don't have any problem with cursing like a sailor, but anyone reading your poem looking for meaning is only going to see the use of words like fuck as place holders, an extra syllable to keep your rythym going. There are...more tasteful ways to convey your point.
Aside from those two points, I think you've got a great piece here and a little tweaking can only make it better.
To Booz, From a poetry prospective it is good. What form of poetry is it? A song type? Or just verse, verse, verse? Or etc.? If you can define that it comes out much clearer to the reader, giving them a good idea of what they're reading. The details in there were also good. I don't know how elaborate you get in your writing but i always like a little more detail, but again thats just me. Who is he blaming it on? These are just things that confused me. Poems don't always need to rhyme, so don't feel limited with what you are saying. You can be more "free" with your story told in this poem. I could babble on but i'll shut up. Nice job though!!!
Comments 12
... haha just kidding.
that was so good,
it really was.
i wish i could write like that.
I WANT YOUR BODY LIZZY - FUCK ME.
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(The comment has been removed)
and thats not teen angst, thats my life
Booz
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(The comment has been removed)
cuz i got you
n uh bbyo
n uhhhh youuuu
and youuu
and lala
n yes!
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but...
"I wonder why I think
That I'll be missed" - you can never know what other people are thinking, and when you try to guess, you'll usually be wrong. so yeah, i think if you are actually thinking these things, you need to reconsider alot. because you probably have more worth living for than you realize at the moment. is temporary release of pain by cutting yourself worth permanent scars of how unclearly you were thinking at one point in time?
but who am i to tell you this. i don't know you or your life... but just consider it.
Reply
BOOZ
Reply
Bleed it all out <--- i saw this, i addressed it. i understand the rest is about suicide, but that part is about cutting is it not? so its not like i fabricated the idea of cutting, because you said that.
and im not going to preach to you, i dont even know you, thats not my place... but i just dont see why you would kill yourself before you've experienced the majority of your life. if you'd like to enlighten me, i'd be very interested in listening. thanks booz. or do i hafta capitalize it? BOOZ, thanks.
Reply
There are some points where the rhyme seems forced. For example, "The drips of blood On my bathroom floor. O, I don't got No problems anymore" might sound a little smoother if re-worded. Maybe, "The drips of blood on my bathroom floor. No, I don't have any problems anymore."
I also don't think vulgarity helps get any message across. I don't have any problem with cursing like a sailor, but anyone reading your poem looking for meaning is only going to see the use of words like fuck as place holders, an extra syllable to keep your rythym going. There are...more tasteful ways to convey your point.
Aside from those two points, I think you've got a great piece here and a little tweaking can only make it better.
Reply
it's always so..
ben?
-me.
Reply
To Booz,
From a poetry prospective it is good. What form of poetry is it? A song type? Or just verse, verse, verse? Or etc.? If you can define that it comes out much clearer to the reader, giving them a good idea of what they're reading. The details in there were also good. I don't know how elaborate you get in your writing but i always like a little more detail, but again thats just me. Who is he blaming it on? These are just things that confused me. Poems don't always need to rhyme, so don't feel limited with what you are saying. You can be more "free" with your story told in this poem. I could babble on but i'll shut up. Nice job though!!!
-Beastman
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