(no subject)
i'm sorry.
and here i was having a pretty good day. *chuckle* so much for that. as it turns out, despite my efforts to be nicer and talk about other people more often, i'm a self-centered asshole. Maybe not in those words per say, but i know that's what it was getting at.
I should probably just kinda stop talking about myself period. I thought i was getting better with that, catching myself when it happened and going back to them like 'sorry i was ranting! what's up with you' or something... haha except i guess i was wrong. very much so, at that.
does anyone know if it hurts if the blade is sharp enough? i've heard you don't feel anything if it is; it's when it's blunt that it hurts a lot. *shrug* hopefully i'll have these damn thoughts out of my head by the time i wake up. I should just let it pass; besides it's not like we have those rolls of bandages in my house, or even duct tape so far as i've found. i don't want to die, just bleed or something. although i expect crying should work equally well, at least to an extent.
dammit, i'm ranting again. AGGH FAILURE >< but now i'm being all moody and attention-whorey or something... i hate this. you just kinda have to pick what you're going to act like when you're 10 and keep it there and if it starts to stray from what your friends knew and liked then BADBADBAD you have to change back even if you thought you were having fun now when back then you would be laughing and whatever with them but when you got home oh god it was a different story - or even once they weren't there you changed back, and now you're not sure which was the fake one, the happy person or the suicidal-ish person although i'm probably just being too goddamn dramatic about everything
goddammit
when you're not being the person they liked, when you've changed your actions and personality and you start liking different music and they think that you're a jerk as opposed to just playing when you kinda whack them a bit -
they don't like you all that much anymore
they may "still love you and that's why they care" and oh my god i've heard that so many times it doesn't seem to have any meaning left but somehow it DOES
but they liked the old one better. they say they want you to be happy, and you're trying to be happier and you THOUGHT you were happier but no, actually you're wrong in what seems to be almost anything you've become
when that happens, don't you kind of want to just leave?
and here i was having a pretty good day. *chuckle* so much for that. as it turns out, despite my efforts to be nicer and talk about other people more often, i'm a self-centered asshole. Maybe not in those words per say, but i know that's what it was getting at.
I should probably just kinda stop talking about myself period. I thought i was getting better with that, catching myself when it happened and going back to them like 'sorry i was ranting! what's up with you' or something... haha except i guess i was wrong. very much so, at that.
does anyone know if it hurts if the blade is sharp enough? i've heard you don't feel anything if it is; it's when it's blunt that it hurts a lot. *shrug* hopefully i'll have these damn thoughts out of my head by the time i wake up. I should just let it pass; besides it's not like we have those rolls of bandages in my house, or even duct tape so far as i've found. i don't want to die, just bleed or something. although i expect crying should work equally well, at least to an extent.
dammit, i'm ranting again. AGGH FAILURE >< but now i'm being all moody and attention-whorey or something... i hate this. you just kinda have to pick what you're going to act like when you're 10 and keep it there and if it starts to stray from what your friends knew and liked then BADBADBAD you have to change back even if you thought you were having fun now when back then you would be laughing and whatever with them but when you got home oh god it was a different story - or even once they weren't there you changed back, and now you're not sure which was the fake one, the happy person or the suicidal-ish person although i'm probably just being too goddamn dramatic about everything
goddammit
when you're not being the person they liked, when you've changed your actions and personality and you start liking different music and they think that you're a jerk as opposed to just playing when you kinda whack them a bit -
they don't like you all that much anymore
they may "still love you and that's why they care" and oh my god i've heard that so many times it doesn't seem to have any meaning left but somehow it DOES
but they liked the old one better. they say they want you to be happy, and you're trying to be happier and you THOUGHT you were happier but no, actually you're wrong in what seems to be almost anything you've become
when that happens, don't you kind of want to just leave?