(no subject)
O.k. I keep on screwing everything that I have up. This sucks. See, I know that I'm being to hard on Jake about all of this, I don't know how hard it is for him, and I'm only focusing on me, it stinks. I was all happy and stuff, well atleast I was acting happy, and then we got on that subject, I blew up and Jake finally let me know how he feels. I know for a fact that I'm totally blowing this out of the water and making a big deal about it. Jeremy says that every time I try to bring it up, I just burn him more and more, hes trying to fix it, but It won't fix. I'm being a jerk about it and I really don't want to be, see every time that something goes wrong, I resort back to being a jerk, its just how I used to be, I was upset that we were going to move, that we kept changing churchs, and that my brother was being a jerk, I decided that the only way to fix him being a jerk was to bne a bigger one, it worked. Then I tryed to be a better person and be more gracious person, it worked for a little bit, but now that I'm killing myselft, that was metephorical, I'm becomeing me again, all the new friends that I made, don't really know me very well, I'm just being mean and rude and wierd. It sucks. I'm being really really hard on him and stuff. but I'm not mad at him, I'm just mad at me. I was being to hard on him and a jerk and I gave away something that I had wanted for forever. I gave it away I'm the one who pushed this whole thing over the edge. I gave it away cuz I thought that he was horrible, then I pray and think, and I relieze that satan won that one. He made me into such a horrible person myself, that I couldn't give grace, or anything. I want to be some one so great, but I can't. I gave away something so great, a frendship. I flushed it down the tolet, just cuz I was being to hard on him. It was all my fault, and now I can't let him know how I feel or about anything, cuz it would be too wierd. I said to ryan, "I don't want this anymore, I don't want to worry or to go with out sleep about this. I don't want it" I said that, I'm that horrible of a person, that I could say that I didn't want this anymore. I really wish I could take it all back, if I had to deal with this again, I would try so hard to be a better person about it. I know what I woudl try to do, but I can't now. I ruined everything. I gave the best friend that I could have, some one who actually cared, that I cared about, "away" I can't believe myself, and how horrible I am. I just don't believe it. I do believe it acually, I can believe that I'm that bad of a person. I am. I know it. I was just trying so hard to actually care what happened to people, and then I just blew my only chance to show Jake compassion, God was testing me and I failed misserably, now I have to pay for the failed drivers licence. It sucks. I just want to take it all back. I feel so bad too, I even got mad at ryan awhile ago (a month or so) because I knew that she liked Jake and that he liked her. I got mad at some one for being human, just because she was going to take what was most important to me. I know that I wouldn't "date" again, atleast not for a long time, like years, but I do wisht that he knew I didn't hate him and that I'm not mad at him. I mean I'm mad at myself, cuz the whole time I'm around him and were actually haveing fun, I feel so lost in him. Then I remeber that I "threw" him away, and I practically break into tears. It stinks. I just want him to know that I'm really sorry about it, but I blow up so much and I treat him like such crap, that It doesn't matter if I do care about him or not, he hates me now, and thats all that matters. I should just stop "crying" about it and get on with life. It would be best. But I mean I care so much about him, and I know hes in good hands with Ryan, but thier not my hands. I just feel so horrible, like the worst thing to ever stomp till I get my way on the face of the earth. I don't know what to do. It stinks. Please pray for me as I try to fix this all. PLEASE.