(no subject)
The Riot
Volume: 2 Issue: 5
"Current State Of Mind" -12/19/05
By Michael Lemme
The past few weeks I have been trying to find a fault about myself, because I am trying to find out how I am still single. There are the obvious faults like speech problem, scoliosis, pimples, and about a million others. Yet, I can not think of a fault that would make a girl not like me. Maybe they are afraid of trying to kiss me and then getting their eye poked out by one of my huge pimples, which is always possible.
Some girls do find me attractive, but they are always the strange creepy girls. You know the girls who are going to grow up and become weird hippie artists, homeless, mass murderer. Actually it is a known fact that at least one creepy girl becomes a mass murderer after reading my humor column. Please don't kill me, I really like you and your oddly dyed pinkish orange hair and pale as snow face. We could make hideous babies together.
My current state of mind is boggled. I am trying to act as a better person. Maybe as a better person I will attract girls that I actually like. People always say that if you want a girl to like you, you should be yourself. The people who say that are actually the people who created the Magic card game, and we all know no one knows about girls more than magic players.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't do anything remotely "bad." Maybe I should take up a dangerous hobby. I always hear that girls like bad guys. So as of next week I, Mike Lemme, will become a knitter. I will knit girls some underwear, because when they see my knitting skills their underwear will fall off. Oh snap. Mike Lemme is quite lame.
I should throw a party. A party where only girls are invited. It would be a good chance for girls to get to know me. Plus the girl to guy ratio would be around 50 to 1,and girls my age think lesbians are disgusting (and I do not live in Northampton) so I don't have to worry about that. The party would be like a movie theater showing the movie Aeon Flux, empty and Charlize Theron would be too embarrassed to even be in the room for a minute.
I believe that I will find someone someday. There is no need to rush, because the majority of high school relationships do not last. There are some benefits to being single too. Like my pimples won't be wanted for murder anytime soon.