Martyr, If I May
Final draft. Any changes will be minuscule at this point.
Chapter 1
Autumn’s Bite
A sickening crunch filled the air. At least, the way I saw fit, that's the sound she deserved. More of a cough, really. Followed by a thud. Vaguely heard, but there nonetheless. It was silence infinite. I told myself it was a tree, or maybe a building collapsed, due for demolition; there were a million reasons as to why I shouldn't care then, so I did just that. I walked away and replaced my ear buds, leaving the crisp red leaves behind.
Running late for my Psych class, I eventually picked up my pace. It was then I realized my body ached, my joints were cold from the coming snow. I remembered some vague conversation past about Autumn’s bite and Winter’s chill, and could vaguely feel like what was said was humorous, but I had since forgotten the details. Life was losing its essence as I aged with the tide, or maybe my memory didn't want to serve me as it once did. I was continuing a brisk walk when my classmate approached; distant in his eyes, not quite awakened yet. I dreaded those last few seconds before the awkward exchange we always had:
“Morning,” I’d always start.
He grunted in reply.
I reluctantly continued. “You… ready for the Psych test today?”
“Not really, man. I just want to curl up and go back to sleep.”
I returned, “I hear you, I am dead tired.”
He made a face that seemed like he was only half-listening. Our conversation was always lacking substance, which was fine by me, as I liked to remain casual. My friends always found ways to disappear on me, so I kept my space from the mouth-breathers surrounding; better lonely and content than constantly switching between comfortable and hurt. My pea coat was the only warmth I needed.
I caught myself turning in the opposite direction about a block away from the proper building. It was odd, considering I had been running on autopilot just like every other morning, that I had tripped up like that. I told myself it must've been a full moon, or some other superstitious event, and that got the corners of my mouth to curl up in amusement. Either way, this intrigued me enough to make an agreement with myself and explore that other side of this city.
Upon my arrival, I found the class to be a couple people short. Just because I didn’t exchange information with anyone didn’t mean they were entirely vacant to my mind: stealth in society only ever goes one way. I never really conversed with anybody about my likes and dislikes, so we mutually remained closed-minded and self-preserved. I had long since decided that, given the opportunity, if there was some kind of non-committal gathering, I would go out of my way to not attend that entire week. It's not that I really view myself as more important, or even better in some vague sense, I just don't like to get close enough to break: with the amount of bullshit everyone puts out, they may as well graze in fields and keep me, the fine china, locked in a secure cabinet. I felt vulnerable 24/7.
I find it rather difficult to study the human psyche if I'd rather spend all my time away from everybody else. To keep from seeming apathetic to the crowd on my left and right, I would occasionally raise my hand and answer a question, typically incorrect on purpose. Then, I'd aim for an 85% on tests. This held me in a position of mutual trust of knowledge, but not the ideal study partner.
“Steven, wake up!”
I jolted up in my seat, my eyes pinched to the florescent lighting.
“Sorry, sir. Won’t happen again.”
“It’d best not, lest you want to fail the ‘anatomy of the brain’ quiz next week. You slip up again, we may see a letter grade lower.”
“You got it, I won’t pass out again.”
Surrounding classmates chuckled quietly, amused at the redirection to me. My face flushed despite my pretense of apathy. Maybe I felt I had an image to uphold to them?
I shrugged and caught up in the text laid out in front of me. Something about amygdale and hypothalamus and the endocrine system, I just… didn’t give a crap anymore. I went back to my elementary school ways and started counting the seconds until the ringing would shut these doors behind my back so I could head home.
But for what? I would go home and… do what, exactly? I had no pet to care for, no family to contact on a regular basis, no social networking to attend to or digital sheep to shear. I would go home and… that’s it. I stopped paying the cable bill months ago, and had no interest in video games or anything of the sort. I’d just zone out. I’d be an empty little vegetable until it was time to lie on my mattress and rest my eyes. I didn’t even dream anymore. I just came home from school, and would stop thinking until the next morning. My weekends were detail-less bookends with nothing to hold up. I usually wouldn’t get out of bed at all, and if I did, it was only to eat a small snack and maybe go get a coffee at this little shop where no one could even remember my order, much less my name and face. I was a blank page to them, a small pitch in the background of their orchestra called Life. A cleared throat.
A cough.
Mid-thought on this subject, I faintly heard the high-pitched bell signify our escape into the cold September air. I stopped only to say hello and goodbye to the teachers I had previously attended classes from in earlier years, and quickly left. Lying somewhere between almost missing this empty place and not really all that close to it, I never really found a good stride to move in this cookie-cut mold that society had pushed me into. In my effort to remain inert, I became invisible and irrelevant. Every class felt like underwater basket weaving, every person the same as the last. And with each tiny hit I gave to my ego, I made myself a small cubby. I was growing tired of it, but knew no other option. Everyday felt the same, but the familiarity was something you only get out of old television shows. It was comfortable. I listened to music to drown out the constant ringing in my ears, and even so, I wasn't sure which one was really the closer friend: the ringing, the music, or the reliability of my life.
I forgot the path I accidentally meant to explore, but could not go home the usual way, as there was police tape now blocking the park. Must’ve been another drunken bar fight on the alternate routes, or maybe some poor sap had gotten mugged and beaten, I had said to myself. It wasn't here when I was heading toward school a few hours ago. I had no reason to be bothered, so I carried on.
I turned away, trying to find another way home, as the cold was seeping in. I turned my jacket’s collar up as a breeze passed by.
I stopped.
Tell them. It’s killing you, just tell them.
No, nothing to say, you don’t know anything about this.
Arguing with myself silently, I shook my head, cleared my throat, and signed my new lease on life. Turning back towards the park, I took a huge gulp of air and neared the tape. I wasn't quite sure what I was doing, but I went with it.
***
"So, she passed away by 8:37. Have we decided on a cause of death?"
"For the most part. She was strangled, not by hands or rope, but some kind of thin cord.”
“Okay, any ideas as to what did it?”
“Not really, sir. It wasn’t metal, as we’d see more abrasions where the cord had tightened, so maybe plastic?”
"Look, I'm not here to discuss devils in the details, you’re the expert. So how about you find me some evidence, or all we have a Jane Doe with no justification and no murder weapon. Just do your goddamn job and don't bore me with your shortcomings!"
I approached the body cautiously, making sure to seem as casual as possible while the investigators studied the area.
"Hey hey hey, what the hell do you think you're doing, civilian? This is a crime scene!"
I felt a little put-off. "Well, I didn't mean to barge right on in, I just wanted to lend my help."
"And? You some private investigator or something?"
I frowned, and looked down at her. "This girl... she was missing from my class today. I think her name-"
"Just get your ass back onto the other side of the tape and we'll collect you for questioning later! Christ, can't even get the damn thing in a body bag before the creeps start to congregate, I swear-"
"Look if you want me to leave, that's just fine and dandy. Only wanted to let you know that I saw how she died, is all. Keep me posted if that information bears any significance to you."
Silence. Every single person in that park stopped for what seemed like forever. Mouths stood agape. The crowd thirsted for more.
But me? I had no idea what the hell I was saying.
Chapter 1
Autumn’s Bite
A sickening crunch filled the air. At least, the way I saw fit, that's the sound she deserved. More of a cough, really. Followed by a thud. Vaguely heard, but there nonetheless. It was silence infinite. I told myself it was a tree, or maybe a building collapsed, due for demolition; there were a million reasons as to why I shouldn't care then, so I did just that. I walked away and replaced my ear buds, leaving the crisp red leaves behind.
Running late for my Psych class, I eventually picked up my pace. It was then I realized my body ached, my joints were cold from the coming snow. I remembered some vague conversation past about Autumn’s bite and Winter’s chill, and could vaguely feel like what was said was humorous, but I had since forgotten the details. Life was losing its essence as I aged with the tide, or maybe my memory didn't want to serve me as it once did. I was continuing a brisk walk when my classmate approached; distant in his eyes, not quite awakened yet. I dreaded those last few seconds before the awkward exchange we always had:
“Morning,” I’d always start.
He grunted in reply.
I reluctantly continued. “You… ready for the Psych test today?”
“Not really, man. I just want to curl up and go back to sleep.”
I returned, “I hear you, I am dead tired.”
He made a face that seemed like he was only half-listening. Our conversation was always lacking substance, which was fine by me, as I liked to remain casual. My friends always found ways to disappear on me, so I kept my space from the mouth-breathers surrounding; better lonely and content than constantly switching between comfortable and hurt. My pea coat was the only warmth I needed.
I caught myself turning in the opposite direction about a block away from the proper building. It was odd, considering I had been running on autopilot just like every other morning, that I had tripped up like that. I told myself it must've been a full moon, or some other superstitious event, and that got the corners of my mouth to curl up in amusement. Either way, this intrigued me enough to make an agreement with myself and explore that other side of this city.
Upon my arrival, I found the class to be a couple people short. Just because I didn’t exchange information with anyone didn’t mean they were entirely vacant to my mind: stealth in society only ever goes one way. I never really conversed with anybody about my likes and dislikes, so we mutually remained closed-minded and self-preserved. I had long since decided that, given the opportunity, if there was some kind of non-committal gathering, I would go out of my way to not attend that entire week. It's not that I really view myself as more important, or even better in some vague sense, I just don't like to get close enough to break: with the amount of bullshit everyone puts out, they may as well graze in fields and keep me, the fine china, locked in a secure cabinet. I felt vulnerable 24/7.
I find it rather difficult to study the human psyche if I'd rather spend all my time away from everybody else. To keep from seeming apathetic to the crowd on my left and right, I would occasionally raise my hand and answer a question, typically incorrect on purpose. Then, I'd aim for an 85% on tests. This held me in a position of mutual trust of knowledge, but not the ideal study partner.
“Steven, wake up!”
I jolted up in my seat, my eyes pinched to the florescent lighting.
“Sorry, sir. Won’t happen again.”
“It’d best not, lest you want to fail the ‘anatomy of the brain’ quiz next week. You slip up again, we may see a letter grade lower.”
“You got it, I won’t pass out again.”
Surrounding classmates chuckled quietly, amused at the redirection to me. My face flushed despite my pretense of apathy. Maybe I felt I had an image to uphold to them?
I shrugged and caught up in the text laid out in front of me. Something about amygdale and hypothalamus and the endocrine system, I just… didn’t give a crap anymore. I went back to my elementary school ways and started counting the seconds until the ringing would shut these doors behind my back so I could head home.
But for what? I would go home and… do what, exactly? I had no pet to care for, no family to contact on a regular basis, no social networking to attend to or digital sheep to shear. I would go home and… that’s it. I stopped paying the cable bill months ago, and had no interest in video games or anything of the sort. I’d just zone out. I’d be an empty little vegetable until it was time to lie on my mattress and rest my eyes. I didn’t even dream anymore. I just came home from school, and would stop thinking until the next morning. My weekends were detail-less bookends with nothing to hold up. I usually wouldn’t get out of bed at all, and if I did, it was only to eat a small snack and maybe go get a coffee at this little shop where no one could even remember my order, much less my name and face. I was a blank page to them, a small pitch in the background of their orchestra called Life. A cleared throat.
A cough.
Mid-thought on this subject, I faintly heard the high-pitched bell signify our escape into the cold September air. I stopped only to say hello and goodbye to the teachers I had previously attended classes from in earlier years, and quickly left. Lying somewhere between almost missing this empty place and not really all that close to it, I never really found a good stride to move in this cookie-cut mold that society had pushed me into. In my effort to remain inert, I became invisible and irrelevant. Every class felt like underwater basket weaving, every person the same as the last. And with each tiny hit I gave to my ego, I made myself a small cubby. I was growing tired of it, but knew no other option. Everyday felt the same, but the familiarity was something you only get out of old television shows. It was comfortable. I listened to music to drown out the constant ringing in my ears, and even so, I wasn't sure which one was really the closer friend: the ringing, the music, or the reliability of my life.
I forgot the path I accidentally meant to explore, but could not go home the usual way, as there was police tape now blocking the park. Must’ve been another drunken bar fight on the alternate routes, or maybe some poor sap had gotten mugged and beaten, I had said to myself. It wasn't here when I was heading toward school a few hours ago. I had no reason to be bothered, so I carried on.
I turned away, trying to find another way home, as the cold was seeping in. I turned my jacket’s collar up as a breeze passed by.
I stopped.
Tell them. It’s killing you, just tell them.
No, nothing to say, you don’t know anything about this.
Arguing with myself silently, I shook my head, cleared my throat, and signed my new lease on life. Turning back towards the park, I took a huge gulp of air and neared the tape. I wasn't quite sure what I was doing, but I went with it.
***
"So, she passed away by 8:37. Have we decided on a cause of death?"
"For the most part. She was strangled, not by hands or rope, but some kind of thin cord.”
“Okay, any ideas as to what did it?”
“Not really, sir. It wasn’t metal, as we’d see more abrasions where the cord had tightened, so maybe plastic?”
"Look, I'm not here to discuss devils in the details, you’re the expert. So how about you find me some evidence, or all we have a Jane Doe with no justification and no murder weapon. Just do your goddamn job and don't bore me with your shortcomings!"
I approached the body cautiously, making sure to seem as casual as possible while the investigators studied the area.
"Hey hey hey, what the hell do you think you're doing, civilian? This is a crime scene!"
I felt a little put-off. "Well, I didn't mean to barge right on in, I just wanted to lend my help."
"And? You some private investigator or something?"
I frowned, and looked down at her. "This girl... she was missing from my class today. I think her name-"
"Just get your ass back onto the other side of the tape and we'll collect you for questioning later! Christ, can't even get the damn thing in a body bag before the creeps start to congregate, I swear-"
"Look if you want me to leave, that's just fine and dandy. Only wanted to let you know that I saw how she died, is all. Keep me posted if that information bears any significance to you."
Silence. Every single person in that park stopped for what seemed like forever. Mouths stood agape. The crowd thirsted for more.
But me? I had no idea what the hell I was saying.