Oneshot, Super Junior: Hanchul
Title: Can’t Stop
Band: Super Junior
Pairing: Hankyung/Heechul
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~3,860
Disclaimer: They belong to each other 8D They don’t belong to me, I’m making no money out of this, nor do I claim any of it to be true.
Summary: He needs to make Hankyung realize that his home is now in Korea, in their dorm, in his bed, with Heechul by his side.
Notes: Specially for gyaku. X333
My first attempt at writing a Suju fic. 8D *cough* I’m not sure about this, and I expect constructive criticism whether you like it or not, so feel free to point out any mistakes I might have made. Also, this is not in chronological order. :3
XXX
Sometimes he wonders why, why it is Hankyung and not someone else. It would be so much easier if he had fallen for Siwon, for instance. Siwon, so handsome and charming and Korean. It would have been too easy, and maybe Heechul would be bored after one week or so. He is completely certain that, having the right words and a lot of subtle seduction, he can have Siwon, or any other of his band mates for that matter. Even Donghae.
Of course, the reason he thinks about these two first is China, Chinese traitors and stupid Koreans with their stupid xenophobia. It’s that subgroup he doesn’t really want to focus on but which always steals his attention just like they steal Hankyung from him.
But it is Hankyung, his self-conscious, nervous, kind Chinese. His loyal and patient Hankyung, who asks him out for a drink when Heechul is in a bad mood instead of wanting to know what’s going on. The one that can be unexpectedly sarcastic, the one that looks so carefree when he is laughing, which puts Heechul in very embarrassing situations because he would give anything to see him like that more often. He wants to make Hankyung laugh with him and because of him, he wants Hankyung to know that he cares, that Heechul misses him when he is in China, and that he should not consider himself so much of a foreigner anymore. Heechul needs to make him realize that his home is now in Korea, in their dorm, in his bed, with Heechul by his side.
He doesn’t say anything, though. He does say a lot of other things that added up can create a big confession, but Hankyung doesn’t seem to realize it. He can be infuriatingly naïve and trustful and worried, and Heechul wonders if it is because he doesn’t dare hope too much, if Hankyung feels like he’s walking on a tight rope most of the time. Heechul doesn’t tell Hankyung that he misses him (or not as often as he should), although it should be clear by the angry tone in his voice when Hankyung calls him late at night to know if he’s eating properly and Heechul tells him that, yes, he had a wonderful outing with the other guys and could Hankyung stop bothering him, please? But the truth is that Heechul stays at home, watching soap operas and not shaving or having his hair cut and looking at the phone every five seconds because it is taking too long for Hankyung to call him again.
It is Hankyung, and the truth is that Heechul knows why, and that is the problem.
XXX
Heechul’s hands are cold when Hankyung takes them into his, lightly rubbing their fingers together as if it were the most natural thing to do. In Heechul’s mind it is, because it’s winter and damn freezing and he can’t stand the snow which falls on his hair and makes it look bad. But Hankyung doesn’t seem to mind as he drags Heechul inside and starts muttering something in incomprehensible Korean-or is it Chinese?-as he takes the snow drops off Heechul’s hair.
“You’ll catch the flu if you continue doing that,” he says, a little louder this time but still soft and calm.
Heechul knows he is worried, though, and maybe that is one of the reasons that he continues going outside to wait for Hankyung to get home, despite the cold and all. He wants the other to give him his undivided attention, no matter if deep down he knows that he is being selfish and maybe a little childish. He wants to say, you always arrive before that, or I know you’ll take care of me if I get sick, but he ends up saying, “Shut up and make me some tea.”
Hankyung just smiles, gets away and takes the warmth with him, and Heechul feels cold again, and he thinks about asking Hankyung to keep caressing his hair while he drinks the tea.
The dorm is full of Super Junior members when tea is ready, though, and Heechul has to swallow his complaints.
XXX
“You like Ayumi.”
It’s not a question, and Heechul’s eyes are not teasing although he tries to fake it, the same way he does with a mischievous smirk. Hankyung looks away from the television-they are watching Love Letter-and his eyes ask what the hell Heechul is talking about.
“You know that I know that you understood what I said,” Heechul says moodily, because sometimes he gets tired of that little game of Hankyung’s-pretending not to understand something when he doesn’t want to answer it.
“I got it,” the Chinese answers blandly, completely unfazed by Heechul’s tone of voice. It should work to calm him down, like it usually does, but it just infuriates him instead-why can’t he have the same amount of self control as Hankyung does? Why?
“So. You like her.”
Hankyung’s soft chuckle is soundless, and Heechul damns him for looking fucking adorable that way. “Why are you saying that? I thought we were over this.”
They’ve had an argument about Ayumi choosing Hankyung over Heechul, and Heechul made sure to make Hankyung feel bad for it. He’s sure that, in Hankyung’s mind, Heechul’s jealous because he wants Ayumi, but Heechul often doubts the good that comes out of Hankyung not knowing the truth, if there’s any at all. “You were massaging her shoulders.”
Hankyung doesn’t shrug or blink, he doesn’t even stutter-he just stares at Heechul as if he were talking nonsense, which maybe is the case. “You said you didn’t want to go out with her, so-”
“So you decided to make your move?”
When Hankyung slightly gapes at him, Heechul preens in silence. At last, a reaction. “I’m not doing this,” he suddenly stands up and starts walking out of the room.
“You’re running away, coward!” Heechul says cheerfully, despite the tightening in his chest. He’s gotten used to ignore that since the beginning.
Hankyung twirls around to face him again, and behind the anger in his eyes, Heechul can see a pool of sadness he doesn’t wish anyone to drawn in. However, it disappears as quickly as a thunder, but the feeling remains. “I don’t get you,” Hankyung says truthfully, with a certainty that makes Heechul’s throat ache.
He manages to smirk again, though, and stands up from the couch. He walks until he’s face to face with Hankyung, who looks bewildered and uncomfortable. “Nobody does,” Heechul states proudly, hiding the loss underneath his words. But I wish you did.
XXX
He doesn’t kiss Hankyung in public, because he fears it will spoil everything. Heechul doesn’t want Hankyung to think that he is anyone, that kissing him would mean the same-nothing-as kissing the others did. He also doesn’t want anyone to see it, because it is supposed to be theirs, personal, and perfect.
So he kisses the others instead, because he’s not an angel and he sometimes can’t stand being alone and he wonders if Hankyung is jealous of him, because Heechul is. Since they are different, Heechul has to be jealous of Hankyung hugging Siwon and Kibum and sitting behind Eunhyuk “to play the piano” at a concert. He has to be jealous of Anya and Eva, although they are already gone, but he envies the time they spent together and the fact that the three of them are all foreigners, for the feeling is something that he can’t share with Hankyung, unless they lived in a country other than Korea or China.
He’s jealous of whoever dares call him Geng, because only Heechul is allowed that, although Hankyung never said anything about it. But in Heechul’s world, it’s as clear as law, and his mood shifts from annoyingly joyous to unbelievably mad when he hears Kangin and Leeteuk calling him that, because they have to celebrate Super Junior M’s success in China through the phone again. They don’t seem to care that Heechul’s suffering from some kind of abstinence-for Hankyung’s presence is like alcohol running through his veins, and maybe that’s why Heechul drinks more when he’s not around.
When they finally hand him the phone, the first thing Heechul hears is Hankyung’s distant voice in the other end of the line, talking to someone other than him. It sounds like Chinese-it’s certainly not Korean-and it’s followed by laughs and excited shouts and Heechul doesn’t know if he should scowl or smile at that. He’s happy for Hankyung, he still loves the sound of his careless laugh, but at the same time he wants to be the one to cause that. He wonders if the Chinese man misses him at all, but curses himself right after thinking like that because Hankyung’s calls in the middle of the night-the calls he reserves for Heechul only-should be proof enough.
“Heechul hyung?” It is Siwon speaking and Heechul finds himself stupefied for a moment. When did Hankyung hand the phone over to their dongsaeng?
“What? Siwon? Did Hankyung have to go to the bathroom or something? Get him back on the phone now.”
He doesn’t care that everything sounds too obvious at the moment; he ignores the other members staring at him and takes a deep breath, trying not to grip the phone with so much force.
“I’m sorry, but Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi took him to-”
He never finds out where Hankyung went, though, because he hands the phone back to Leeteuk, who takes it, but stares at him with worry. “Heechul?”
But Heechul is putting on a grey sweatshirt whose owner he wants to kill right now, while the others start to talk to him despite being ignored. He distinguishes Sungmin’s concerned and Yesung’s cold voices as he grabs a black-and-white scarf full of memories, but he doesn’t answer any of them before going out for a drink that soon turns into many more.
XXX
The first time they tell him that his appearence in the newest PV is so short that he might as well not be part of the band anyway, Heechul seethes and his anger flows in silent waves around him, until someone makes him snap or argue or fight, when he doesn’t try to destroy their dorm. However, as time passes and he watches the band, except for him and Kibum, practicing the dance moves, he convinces himself that the dance is ridiculous and he should be thankful that he doesn’t have to move like that for the most part of the video. Deep down, he knows that he would like to be there with them, because they are a band after all, a family, as some people like to put it, and he’s probably just jealous. It is then that he feels like the ridiculous one there was him.
He doesn’t tell anyone, however, because he’s not sure he would like to hear what they have to tell him.
He lets the jealousy grow instead, because really, he can’t help it if Hankyung and Sungmin are discussing the next moves as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. Furthermore, he can’t control the stinging heat that originates from his chest every time he sees Hankyung laughing because Donghae tripped or Eunhyuk made a funny face and all those other moments that Heechul doesn’t belong to, and he hates every second that Hankyung shares with the others and not with him. It gets worse, yet, when they are filming for real-holy cow, does Hankyung really have to move as if he were fucking someone right there? The choreography is supposed to be funny, mocking, anything but sexy.
Nevertheless, Heechul has to look somewhere else, for he fears he will lose his mind if he continues looking at his Chinese friend.
XXX
They have a presentation tonight, although the band has just come back from China and they deserve a break. Heechul doesn’t say anything, because he is not tired, and he labels the lack of rest as punishment for them. He wasn’t there, it’s yet another thing that he can’t share with Hankyung-he could ask questions, he could let the other talk about the short trip, but he chooses not to and he clings to that decision for the time being.
He feels Hankyung’s stare on him every now and then, and it makes Heechul restless and curious. He guesses it’s his unusual silence that drives Hankyung’s eyes to him, and maybe the Chinese man is wondering what’s going on. Heechul won’t deny that he likes that possibility, although he can’t explain his quiet behavior himself. Perhaps he’s just too intent on watching Hankyung, and all the things he wants to say shall not be said. Not yet, anyway.
Hankyung’s movements are fluid and natural as he dances in the practice room, his only opponent the mirror that covers the whole wall in the back. Heechul can tell how confident the other feels just by the look on his face and the lack of hesitance each time he twirls around or simply rotates his hips to the beat of the song. The other members have already gone home, some might be taking a nap while others watch TV and chat. Hankyung decided to stay and practice a little longer, which kind of contradicts and at the same time justifies the precision of each step he takes. Heechul decided to stay because Hankyung did, but to him the Korean says that he will be bored if he goes home. It might be true, but it’s just an excuse to avoid the feeling that consumes him every time Hankyung is not around. Heechul misses him, his actions speak millions about it, and he’s afraid that Hankyung will realize everything. He’s afraid, yes, but he’s also looking forward to it.
“You don’t have anything better to do?” Hankyung asks him when the song ends and he comes near the CD player to turn it on again or something. Heechul knows he’s not being sent away, Hankyung has already thanked him for the company, but they also know that Heechul could do something else if he wanted to.
“Well, I do, actually,” he admits, though what he means by it does not have anything to do with going elsewhere. Hankyung looks at him, into his eyes, a look strong and searching enough that Heechul is forced to look away so that his soul won’t be bared. Real men speak with their eyes. He turns his back to Hankyung and shuffles through the CDs they have there, until he finds the U single and puts it to play.
“What?” Hankyung’s voice sounds near the back of his neck, and Heechul doesn’t know if the question is about the song or what he said. Instead of thinking about that, he considers how close they are, so much so that if he turns his head a little, Hankyung will breathe against his neck, and if he stands up straight, their bodies will almost touch, their heat will connect and who knows what else can happen.
Heechul does it all, because he can’t resist such a promising temptation. He swears that Hankyung’s eyes darken when they look at each other, as well as the brief lack of breathing is something undeniable. “Dance for me,” Heechul says, certain that Hankyung won’t question him because he’s known for weird things like this.
He is surprised, though, when Hankyung takes him by the pulse and onto the center of the room. It is the two of them dancing, then, moving through steps that have become second nature already. However, when they get to the chorus and Hankyung looks at him through the mirror as his hips go back and forth, Heechul stops dancing and stops the music, too. He’s not sure about anything right now, except for the fact that Hankyung is driving him insane. And this time, it appears to be on purpose.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he says, both because of the mirror scene and the way Hankyung was looking at him now as he approached, trying to stick to fun and innocent through that little laugh that Heechul usually likes.
“I haven’t started the game with you yet,” Hankyung retorts, half joking, and then Heechul realizes that their lines combined are exactly what the Chinese sings in U. He’s dumbfounded for a second, because such a playful-and almost teasing-behaviour does not really suit Hankyung, but it does suit himself.
Oh. Is that it? You’re actually accusing me of playing around with you?
“This is not a game,” Heechul states firmly, holding the other’s gaze this time. His chin goes up without him consciously doing so, but the challenge is there, and Hankyung does not succumb easily.
“So you don’t want to just add me to your conquest list?” Hankyung’s voice is subdued and it takes some time for Heechul to decipher his somewhat awkward choice of words, which make sense in the end, but he wishes they didn’t.
“I don’t have a conquest list,” he retorts, and he wants to sound bitter and hurt but he can’t, because he actually knows that Hankyung has reason to believe that, although he should already know Heechul better than that.
“Then why are you doing this?”
What exactly am I doing?, and Heechul is thankful that it is just a thought, because it might have ruined the moment. And since when do I hesitate like this? When did you get the upper hand, Geng? A new thought crosses his mind, and Heechul is almost shocked at how true it sounds. Did I ever have control over this? Did any of us?
The tension is still there, thick and hot between them, and Heechul knows that it is up to himself to cut it the right way-not for it to end, but for it to turn into something more, something better.
“I can’t stop thinking about you… Geng,” he says angrily. The troubled tone of his voice is nothing short of frustration, but he regrets his choice of words almost immediately, because really, could he be any sappier? Well, he could, but that’s not the point. Heechul used a line from U just like Hankyung did, and he thinks it’s only fair, at least, since it’s obviously not the best damn thing. He wonders if Hankyung will laugh this off too, like he does after saying something he thinks he shouldn’t have, or just out of anxiety, or to go on and pretend that nothing happened.
It wasn’t supposed to end like this, with Heechul being cornered and Hankyung doubting him. His intentions were for him to corner Hankyung while the Chinese was lost in the dance, and then there wouldn’t have time for questions or any other words at all. He isn’t sure if he likes how it turned out, though, and maybe he’ll have to wait, if Hankyung taking a step back is anything to go by.
Heechul watches apprehensively, swallowing hard as Hankyung walks to the door. He feels like looking down to hide his embarrassment, but it would be useless with Hankyung out of the room. He closes his eyes and hears the door close, and he can’t help but turn his hands into fists by his side as he bites his lower lip with strength enough to hurt. I’m not going to cry, he keeps telling himself, but it is the sound of footsteps coming towards him that prevents him from breaking down. When he opens his eyes, it is to be faced by a less-then-five-centimeters-away Hankyung, whose determined look disappears behind closed eyelids as he kisses Heechul.
And Heechul’s hands are suddenly gripping the other’s shirt, because Hankyung is making him walk backwards until he’s crushed against the wall, and Heechul doesn’t have time for taunting comments or fake complaints about his back being hurt-because Hankyung is kissing him, and this time, when Heechul opens his mouth, it is with the sole intent of letting Hankyung kiss him thoroughly. His fingers curl more tightly around the shirt as Hankyung’s tongue finds his and Heechul wants to frigging moan due to so little, which actually feels like too much. When Hankyung comes to realize that Heechul is not going to run away and finally relaxes the hold on his waist, Heechul also relaxes as the kiss deepens and he wonders if he’s not dreaming, although he’s tired of wondering and-fuck, could he stop thinking for a moment?
Apparently, Hankyung’s got the power to read his mind, as his right hand sneaks underneath Heechul’s shirt and caresses his skin with heat that shouldn’t be intense enough to block his thoughts, but it is. Heechul shivers and moves closer to Hankyung, who in turn presses him against the wall again, and Heechul is overwhelmed by kisses and touches and gasps and a whole new world that encloses nothing more than the two of them.
XXX
Heechul’s hair is short, really short as he looks at the mirror, unsuccessfully trying to arrange his fringe so that it will cover a good portion of his forehead. The weight of the world escapes through his lips in a dramatic sigh. “I look horrible.”
Hankyung, with his back turned to him, is surfing on the internet.
“What do you think, Geng?” he asks, and his lips form a thin line that the other can’t see because he doesn’t move a muscle to look at Heechul.
“Yeah, you do look bad.”
“WHAT?” Heechul’s shriek is loud enough to break through the walls, but he doesn’t care.
“You said it yourself!” Hankyung argues through a short laugh that makes Heechul want to slap and kiss him both at the same time.
“It’s me, and I’m the only one allowed to say bad things about myself! You should have said that I look as wonderful as always. Do you want me to get depressed?”
Hankyung just stares at him, something he has practice in doing, and Heechul slaps his arm. The fact that Hankyung does not give in-not as often as Heechul is used to or would like to-only makes him more special, because Heechul loves a challenge. Hankyung says he’s boring and tells Heechul to ask somebody else to entertain him, but Heechul thinks he’s interesting enough, and so he clings to Hankyung and that’s how he starts losing himself over-to everything.
“Aw!” Hankyung’s fake cry of pain brings him back to reality and Heechul quirks a sardonic eyebrow at him. “Okay, okay, you look pretty.”
“Pretty? I look pretty? Like a girl?”
Hankyung’s voice is so low that Heechul has to lean closer to hear it, which immediately overflows him with Hankyung’s scent. Damn it. “…and you’d think he’d like being compared to one…”
“WHAT?” Heechul doesn’t even know why he’s reacting like that, but Hankyung’s flinching is totally worth it.
“Handsome! I meant you’re handsome!”
Heechul smiles with satisfaction, and hugs Hankyung by the shoulders. “I always win.”
XXX
Additional note (2009.05.27): I thought that Heechul hadn't attended the event in China on May 1st (the Jackie Chan charity thing, you know?), but now there's this video available and Heechul's present, so... lol Well, when I wrote this story, there was no sign of Heechul in any pictures/videos I saw, but it seems I was either blind or I didn't look up enough. Anyway, I apologize for the mistake, but I'm not gonna change that scene in this story when Heechul mentions them being in China for just a few days and then coming back and having to perform again, because we can relate it to other times when Suju went to China without Heechul (for real LOL), or we can just pretend that he wasn't there this May. LOL It's fanfiction after all, right? 8D *cough*
Band: Super Junior
Pairing: Hankyung/Heechul
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~3,860
Disclaimer: They belong to each other 8D They don’t belong to me, I’m making no money out of this, nor do I claim any of it to be true.
Summary: He needs to make Hankyung realize that his home is now in Korea, in their dorm, in his bed, with Heechul by his side.
Notes: Specially for gyaku. X333
My first attempt at writing a Suju fic. 8D *cough* I’m not sure about this, and I expect constructive criticism whether you like it or not, so feel free to point out any mistakes I might have made. Also, this is not in chronological order. :3
XXX
Sometimes he wonders why, why it is Hankyung and not someone else. It would be so much easier if he had fallen for Siwon, for instance. Siwon, so handsome and charming and Korean. It would have been too easy, and maybe Heechul would be bored after one week or so. He is completely certain that, having the right words and a lot of subtle seduction, he can have Siwon, or any other of his band mates for that matter. Even Donghae.
Of course, the reason he thinks about these two first is China, Chinese traitors and stupid Koreans with their stupid xenophobia. It’s that subgroup he doesn’t really want to focus on but which always steals his attention just like they steal Hankyung from him.
But it is Hankyung, his self-conscious, nervous, kind Chinese. His loyal and patient Hankyung, who asks him out for a drink when Heechul is in a bad mood instead of wanting to know what’s going on. The one that can be unexpectedly sarcastic, the one that looks so carefree when he is laughing, which puts Heechul in very embarrassing situations because he would give anything to see him like that more often. He wants to make Hankyung laugh with him and because of him, he wants Hankyung to know that he cares, that Heechul misses him when he is in China, and that he should not consider himself so much of a foreigner anymore. Heechul needs to make him realize that his home is now in Korea, in their dorm, in his bed, with Heechul by his side.
He doesn’t say anything, though. He does say a lot of other things that added up can create a big confession, but Hankyung doesn’t seem to realize it. He can be infuriatingly naïve and trustful and worried, and Heechul wonders if it is because he doesn’t dare hope too much, if Hankyung feels like he’s walking on a tight rope most of the time. Heechul doesn’t tell Hankyung that he misses him (or not as often as he should), although it should be clear by the angry tone in his voice when Hankyung calls him late at night to know if he’s eating properly and Heechul tells him that, yes, he had a wonderful outing with the other guys and could Hankyung stop bothering him, please? But the truth is that Heechul stays at home, watching soap operas and not shaving or having his hair cut and looking at the phone every five seconds because it is taking too long for Hankyung to call him again.
It is Hankyung, and the truth is that Heechul knows why, and that is the problem.
XXX
Heechul’s hands are cold when Hankyung takes them into his, lightly rubbing their fingers together as if it were the most natural thing to do. In Heechul’s mind it is, because it’s winter and damn freezing and he can’t stand the snow which falls on his hair and makes it look bad. But Hankyung doesn’t seem to mind as he drags Heechul inside and starts muttering something in incomprehensible Korean-or is it Chinese?-as he takes the snow drops off Heechul’s hair.
“You’ll catch the flu if you continue doing that,” he says, a little louder this time but still soft and calm.
Heechul knows he is worried, though, and maybe that is one of the reasons that he continues going outside to wait for Hankyung to get home, despite the cold and all. He wants the other to give him his undivided attention, no matter if deep down he knows that he is being selfish and maybe a little childish. He wants to say, you always arrive before that, or I know you’ll take care of me if I get sick, but he ends up saying, “Shut up and make me some tea.”
Hankyung just smiles, gets away and takes the warmth with him, and Heechul feels cold again, and he thinks about asking Hankyung to keep caressing his hair while he drinks the tea.
The dorm is full of Super Junior members when tea is ready, though, and Heechul has to swallow his complaints.
XXX
“You like Ayumi.”
It’s not a question, and Heechul’s eyes are not teasing although he tries to fake it, the same way he does with a mischievous smirk. Hankyung looks away from the television-they are watching Love Letter-and his eyes ask what the hell Heechul is talking about.
“You know that I know that you understood what I said,” Heechul says moodily, because sometimes he gets tired of that little game of Hankyung’s-pretending not to understand something when he doesn’t want to answer it.
“I got it,” the Chinese answers blandly, completely unfazed by Heechul’s tone of voice. It should work to calm him down, like it usually does, but it just infuriates him instead-why can’t he have the same amount of self control as Hankyung does? Why?
“So. You like her.”
Hankyung’s soft chuckle is soundless, and Heechul damns him for looking fucking adorable that way. “Why are you saying that? I thought we were over this.”
They’ve had an argument about Ayumi choosing Hankyung over Heechul, and Heechul made sure to make Hankyung feel bad for it. He’s sure that, in Hankyung’s mind, Heechul’s jealous because he wants Ayumi, but Heechul often doubts the good that comes out of Hankyung not knowing the truth, if there’s any at all. “You were massaging her shoulders.”
Hankyung doesn’t shrug or blink, he doesn’t even stutter-he just stares at Heechul as if he were talking nonsense, which maybe is the case. “You said you didn’t want to go out with her, so-”
“So you decided to make your move?”
When Hankyung slightly gapes at him, Heechul preens in silence. At last, a reaction. “I’m not doing this,” he suddenly stands up and starts walking out of the room.
“You’re running away, coward!” Heechul says cheerfully, despite the tightening in his chest. He’s gotten used to ignore that since the beginning.
Hankyung twirls around to face him again, and behind the anger in his eyes, Heechul can see a pool of sadness he doesn’t wish anyone to drawn in. However, it disappears as quickly as a thunder, but the feeling remains. “I don’t get you,” Hankyung says truthfully, with a certainty that makes Heechul’s throat ache.
He manages to smirk again, though, and stands up from the couch. He walks until he’s face to face with Hankyung, who looks bewildered and uncomfortable. “Nobody does,” Heechul states proudly, hiding the loss underneath his words. But I wish you did.
XXX
He doesn’t kiss Hankyung in public, because he fears it will spoil everything. Heechul doesn’t want Hankyung to think that he is anyone, that kissing him would mean the same-nothing-as kissing the others did. He also doesn’t want anyone to see it, because it is supposed to be theirs, personal, and perfect.
So he kisses the others instead, because he’s not an angel and he sometimes can’t stand being alone and he wonders if Hankyung is jealous of him, because Heechul is. Since they are different, Heechul has to be jealous of Hankyung hugging Siwon and Kibum and sitting behind Eunhyuk “to play the piano” at a concert. He has to be jealous of Anya and Eva, although they are already gone, but he envies the time they spent together and the fact that the three of them are all foreigners, for the feeling is something that he can’t share with Hankyung, unless they lived in a country other than Korea or China.
He’s jealous of whoever dares call him Geng, because only Heechul is allowed that, although Hankyung never said anything about it. But in Heechul’s world, it’s as clear as law, and his mood shifts from annoyingly joyous to unbelievably mad when he hears Kangin and Leeteuk calling him that, because they have to celebrate Super Junior M’s success in China through the phone again. They don’t seem to care that Heechul’s suffering from some kind of abstinence-for Hankyung’s presence is like alcohol running through his veins, and maybe that’s why Heechul drinks more when he’s not around.
When they finally hand him the phone, the first thing Heechul hears is Hankyung’s distant voice in the other end of the line, talking to someone other than him. It sounds like Chinese-it’s certainly not Korean-and it’s followed by laughs and excited shouts and Heechul doesn’t know if he should scowl or smile at that. He’s happy for Hankyung, he still loves the sound of his careless laugh, but at the same time he wants to be the one to cause that. He wonders if the Chinese man misses him at all, but curses himself right after thinking like that because Hankyung’s calls in the middle of the night-the calls he reserves for Heechul only-should be proof enough.
“Heechul hyung?” It is Siwon speaking and Heechul finds himself stupefied for a moment. When did Hankyung hand the phone over to their dongsaeng?
“What? Siwon? Did Hankyung have to go to the bathroom or something? Get him back on the phone now.”
He doesn’t care that everything sounds too obvious at the moment; he ignores the other members staring at him and takes a deep breath, trying not to grip the phone with so much force.
“I’m sorry, but Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi took him to-”
He never finds out where Hankyung went, though, because he hands the phone back to Leeteuk, who takes it, but stares at him with worry. “Heechul?”
But Heechul is putting on a grey sweatshirt whose owner he wants to kill right now, while the others start to talk to him despite being ignored. He distinguishes Sungmin’s concerned and Yesung’s cold voices as he grabs a black-and-white scarf full of memories, but he doesn’t answer any of them before going out for a drink that soon turns into many more.
XXX
The first time they tell him that his appearence in the newest PV is so short that he might as well not be part of the band anyway, Heechul seethes and his anger flows in silent waves around him, until someone makes him snap or argue or fight, when he doesn’t try to destroy their dorm. However, as time passes and he watches the band, except for him and Kibum, practicing the dance moves, he convinces himself that the dance is ridiculous and he should be thankful that he doesn’t have to move like that for the most part of the video. Deep down, he knows that he would like to be there with them, because they are a band after all, a family, as some people like to put it, and he’s probably just jealous. It is then that he feels like the ridiculous one there was him.
He doesn’t tell anyone, however, because he’s not sure he would like to hear what they have to tell him.
He lets the jealousy grow instead, because really, he can’t help it if Hankyung and Sungmin are discussing the next moves as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. Furthermore, he can’t control the stinging heat that originates from his chest every time he sees Hankyung laughing because Donghae tripped or Eunhyuk made a funny face and all those other moments that Heechul doesn’t belong to, and he hates every second that Hankyung shares with the others and not with him. It gets worse, yet, when they are filming for real-holy cow, does Hankyung really have to move as if he were fucking someone right there? The choreography is supposed to be funny, mocking, anything but sexy.
Nevertheless, Heechul has to look somewhere else, for he fears he will lose his mind if he continues looking at his Chinese friend.
XXX
They have a presentation tonight, although the band has just come back from China and they deserve a break. Heechul doesn’t say anything, because he is not tired, and he labels the lack of rest as punishment for them. He wasn’t there, it’s yet another thing that he can’t share with Hankyung-he could ask questions, he could let the other talk about the short trip, but he chooses not to and he clings to that decision for the time being.
He feels Hankyung’s stare on him every now and then, and it makes Heechul restless and curious. He guesses it’s his unusual silence that drives Hankyung’s eyes to him, and maybe the Chinese man is wondering what’s going on. Heechul won’t deny that he likes that possibility, although he can’t explain his quiet behavior himself. Perhaps he’s just too intent on watching Hankyung, and all the things he wants to say shall not be said. Not yet, anyway.
Hankyung’s movements are fluid and natural as he dances in the practice room, his only opponent the mirror that covers the whole wall in the back. Heechul can tell how confident the other feels just by the look on his face and the lack of hesitance each time he twirls around or simply rotates his hips to the beat of the song. The other members have already gone home, some might be taking a nap while others watch TV and chat. Hankyung decided to stay and practice a little longer, which kind of contradicts and at the same time justifies the precision of each step he takes. Heechul decided to stay because Hankyung did, but to him the Korean says that he will be bored if he goes home. It might be true, but it’s just an excuse to avoid the feeling that consumes him every time Hankyung is not around. Heechul misses him, his actions speak millions about it, and he’s afraid that Hankyung will realize everything. He’s afraid, yes, but he’s also looking forward to it.
“You don’t have anything better to do?” Hankyung asks him when the song ends and he comes near the CD player to turn it on again or something. Heechul knows he’s not being sent away, Hankyung has already thanked him for the company, but they also know that Heechul could do something else if he wanted to.
“Well, I do, actually,” he admits, though what he means by it does not have anything to do with going elsewhere. Hankyung looks at him, into his eyes, a look strong and searching enough that Heechul is forced to look away so that his soul won’t be bared. Real men speak with their eyes. He turns his back to Hankyung and shuffles through the CDs they have there, until he finds the U single and puts it to play.
“What?” Hankyung’s voice sounds near the back of his neck, and Heechul doesn’t know if the question is about the song or what he said. Instead of thinking about that, he considers how close they are, so much so that if he turns his head a little, Hankyung will breathe against his neck, and if he stands up straight, their bodies will almost touch, their heat will connect and who knows what else can happen.
Heechul does it all, because he can’t resist such a promising temptation. He swears that Hankyung’s eyes darken when they look at each other, as well as the brief lack of breathing is something undeniable. “Dance for me,” Heechul says, certain that Hankyung won’t question him because he’s known for weird things like this.
He is surprised, though, when Hankyung takes him by the pulse and onto the center of the room. It is the two of them dancing, then, moving through steps that have become second nature already. However, when they get to the chorus and Hankyung looks at him through the mirror as his hips go back and forth, Heechul stops dancing and stops the music, too. He’s not sure about anything right now, except for the fact that Hankyung is driving him insane. And this time, it appears to be on purpose.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he says, both because of the mirror scene and the way Hankyung was looking at him now as he approached, trying to stick to fun and innocent through that little laugh that Heechul usually likes.
“I haven’t started the game with you yet,” Hankyung retorts, half joking, and then Heechul realizes that their lines combined are exactly what the Chinese sings in U. He’s dumbfounded for a second, because such a playful-and almost teasing-behaviour does not really suit Hankyung, but it does suit himself.
Oh. Is that it? You’re actually accusing me of playing around with you?
“This is not a game,” Heechul states firmly, holding the other’s gaze this time. His chin goes up without him consciously doing so, but the challenge is there, and Hankyung does not succumb easily.
“So you don’t want to just add me to your conquest list?” Hankyung’s voice is subdued and it takes some time for Heechul to decipher his somewhat awkward choice of words, which make sense in the end, but he wishes they didn’t.
“I don’t have a conquest list,” he retorts, and he wants to sound bitter and hurt but he can’t, because he actually knows that Hankyung has reason to believe that, although he should already know Heechul better than that.
“Then why are you doing this?”
What exactly am I doing?, and Heechul is thankful that it is just a thought, because it might have ruined the moment. And since when do I hesitate like this? When did you get the upper hand, Geng? A new thought crosses his mind, and Heechul is almost shocked at how true it sounds. Did I ever have control over this? Did any of us?
The tension is still there, thick and hot between them, and Heechul knows that it is up to himself to cut it the right way-not for it to end, but for it to turn into something more, something better.
“I can’t stop thinking about you… Geng,” he says angrily. The troubled tone of his voice is nothing short of frustration, but he regrets his choice of words almost immediately, because really, could he be any sappier? Well, he could, but that’s not the point. Heechul used a line from U just like Hankyung did, and he thinks it’s only fair, at least, since it’s obviously not the best damn thing. He wonders if Hankyung will laugh this off too, like he does after saying something he thinks he shouldn’t have, or just out of anxiety, or to go on and pretend that nothing happened.
It wasn’t supposed to end like this, with Heechul being cornered and Hankyung doubting him. His intentions were for him to corner Hankyung while the Chinese was lost in the dance, and then there wouldn’t have time for questions or any other words at all. He isn’t sure if he likes how it turned out, though, and maybe he’ll have to wait, if Hankyung taking a step back is anything to go by.
Heechul watches apprehensively, swallowing hard as Hankyung walks to the door. He feels like looking down to hide his embarrassment, but it would be useless with Hankyung out of the room. He closes his eyes and hears the door close, and he can’t help but turn his hands into fists by his side as he bites his lower lip with strength enough to hurt. I’m not going to cry, he keeps telling himself, but it is the sound of footsteps coming towards him that prevents him from breaking down. When he opens his eyes, it is to be faced by a less-then-five-centimeters-away Hankyung, whose determined look disappears behind closed eyelids as he kisses Heechul.
And Heechul’s hands are suddenly gripping the other’s shirt, because Hankyung is making him walk backwards until he’s crushed against the wall, and Heechul doesn’t have time for taunting comments or fake complaints about his back being hurt-because Hankyung is kissing him, and this time, when Heechul opens his mouth, it is with the sole intent of letting Hankyung kiss him thoroughly. His fingers curl more tightly around the shirt as Hankyung’s tongue finds his and Heechul wants to frigging moan due to so little, which actually feels like too much. When Hankyung comes to realize that Heechul is not going to run away and finally relaxes the hold on his waist, Heechul also relaxes as the kiss deepens and he wonders if he’s not dreaming, although he’s tired of wondering and-fuck, could he stop thinking for a moment?
Apparently, Hankyung’s got the power to read his mind, as his right hand sneaks underneath Heechul’s shirt and caresses his skin with heat that shouldn’t be intense enough to block his thoughts, but it is. Heechul shivers and moves closer to Hankyung, who in turn presses him against the wall again, and Heechul is overwhelmed by kisses and touches and gasps and a whole new world that encloses nothing more than the two of them.
XXX
Heechul’s hair is short, really short as he looks at the mirror, unsuccessfully trying to arrange his fringe so that it will cover a good portion of his forehead. The weight of the world escapes through his lips in a dramatic sigh. “I look horrible.”
Hankyung, with his back turned to him, is surfing on the internet.
“What do you think, Geng?” he asks, and his lips form a thin line that the other can’t see because he doesn’t move a muscle to look at Heechul.
“Yeah, you do look bad.”
“WHAT?” Heechul’s shriek is loud enough to break through the walls, but he doesn’t care.
“You said it yourself!” Hankyung argues through a short laugh that makes Heechul want to slap and kiss him both at the same time.
“It’s me, and I’m the only one allowed to say bad things about myself! You should have said that I look as wonderful as always. Do you want me to get depressed?”
Hankyung just stares at him, something he has practice in doing, and Heechul slaps his arm. The fact that Hankyung does not give in-not as often as Heechul is used to or would like to-only makes him more special, because Heechul loves a challenge. Hankyung says he’s boring and tells Heechul to ask somebody else to entertain him, but Heechul thinks he’s interesting enough, and so he clings to Hankyung and that’s how he starts losing himself over-to everything.
“Aw!” Hankyung’s fake cry of pain brings him back to reality and Heechul quirks a sardonic eyebrow at him. “Okay, okay, you look pretty.”
“Pretty? I look pretty? Like a girl?”
Hankyung’s voice is so low that Heechul has to lean closer to hear it, which immediately overflows him with Hankyung’s scent. Damn it. “…and you’d think he’d like being compared to one…”
“WHAT?” Heechul doesn’t even know why he’s reacting like that, but Hankyung’s flinching is totally worth it.
“Handsome! I meant you’re handsome!”
Heechul smiles with satisfaction, and hugs Hankyung by the shoulders. “I always win.”
XXX
Additional note (2009.05.27): I thought that Heechul hadn't attended the event in China on May 1st (the Jackie Chan charity thing, you know?), but now there's this video available and Heechul's present, so... lol Well, when I wrote this story, there was no sign of Heechul in any pictures/videos I saw, but it seems I was either blind or I didn't look up enough. Anyway, I apologize for the mistake, but I'm not gonna change that scene in this story when Heechul mentions them being in China for just a few days and then coming back and having to perform again, because we can relate it to other times when Suju went to China without Heechul (for real LOL), or we can just pretend that he wasn't there this May. LOL It's fanfiction after all, right? 8D *cough*