2PM, Taecyeon/Junho: We sure can dream (1/3)
Title: We sure can dream
Group: 2PM
Pairings: Taecyeon/Junho, slight Minjun/Wooyoung
Rating/Warnings: NC-17 for sex, language, and some references to alcohol
Length: ~16,600 words
Summary: Time doesn’t heal. It’s people who have to do it.
Notes: The title comes from Lindsey Buckingham’s Shut Us Down. I listened to that a lot while writing this, and I guess I’d recommend you listen to it at least once. ;)
This first came to life thanks to Michelle sending me a prompt on tumblr a long time ago. It was supposed to be a standalone scene but I’ve wanted to stretch it into a full story ever since, hence what you see below. This goes to the Taecho (& Wookay) shippers on my tl! <3
x
[14.07]
Junho stretches his body on the sand, resting his head on the t-shirt he folded up after taking it off. The sun is out, so far no clouds to impede its slow, pleasant heat as it spreads on his skin. It’s early, and he knows just how long he can lie there on his stomach before he has to turn around and either let his front tan a little too, or get up and do something else. He’s glad he decided to put on some sun block at home, just in case, and that he brought it along. It’s in the car, together with other provisions for a morning at the beach: towels, extra pairs of shorts, and a small beverage container with some cans of water, soda and beer.
He could hear Nichkhun and Chansung’s laughter as they played in the water, the waves coming and going, crashing a few meters down from where he was. The sound of the sea lulls him, especially when the other two decide to take a swim or skip waves, whatever it is that makes their voices fade away. He might have gone to sleep weren’t for his not so comfortable position. Besides, he’s waiting.
He lets his mind wander and thinks about one of 2PM’s upcoming songs, sibilating the lines he’s remembered to test how sure he is of the words and what he still needs to practice more. He’s frowning at a random spot in the sand, the exact rhythm to his first line in Michingo anhiya? forgotten, when his butt gets nudged by an insistent foot. He would swat at it or at least glare at the offender if he didn’t know who to expect. His lack of violence is not because of who it is but for what Junho might get if he doesn’t react as fast and fiercely as he usually does.
Sure enough, when he sits up, the first thing he sees is an ice cream cone that was almost shoved at his face, some of it already melting. He licks at it, his hands getting hold of the cone with care. His eyes close as he licks it again, swallows and hums in appreciation.
“You’re welcome,” Taecyeon says, dimples showing as he looks sideways at Junho. He sits down next to him with his own ice cream, a third of it already gone. He seem to be looking at the sea but his eyes flicker to Junho every few seconds.
“Taecyeonie.” The ice cream isn’t going to slide down the sides of the cone and get his fingers sticky anymore, so Junho savors it slowly now, and meets the other’s stare. “This is really good, thank you.”
Taecyeon’s lips curve up, his eyes softening at the ages, but he doesn’t say anything. Perhaps he’s still sleepy, considering how early they called to invite him to come along, and then meet them here. The few syllables Taecyeon had grumbled on the phone made Junho think he might not even come at all. However, not only did he show up just a little while after the other three had arrived, but he also said Wooyoung and Minjun were coming later to join them for brunch. And then he had offered to buy Junho ice cream, and Junho had accepted eagerly. And now they are here, in silence.
Junho waits. He’s waited for Taecyeon to come, for them both to spend some time together, all of them actually, without cameras around, nothing and no one to worry about. There would always be things to worry about, of course, but it just seems a little easier to ignore them here, away from work, in one of the few chances they have to be truly by themselves, to be themselves. He’s waited, and he’s got two of those things, but not yet the third. Taecyeon has always been thoughtful, and Junho has learned from the other’s patience to have some patience himself. However, he can’t help feeling unsettled by his lack of humor, regardless of the signs Taecyeon might actually be on the verge of telling him something.
And he does, eventually, after the ice cream is gone. Nichkhun and Chansung haven’t shown any signs of getting tired of the water yet, the maknae waving at them before disappearing again. Junho knows how much he enjoys swimming and trusts them both not to be reckless, Nichkhun especially. Thus, he turns his attention to Taecyeon, who has also turned to him.
“I will go to your concert, this time.”
Junho swallows through a lump he didn’t know had formed in his throat. In fact, he may have just ignored its existence for a year, perhaps two. It’s not like he allows it to bother him when he’s busy, and he is busy most of the time, he makes sure it remains so. There have been very few occasions where he was alone with Taecyeon since the latter moved out of the dorm. When there are just the two of them, the tension is harder to ignore, but then Junho is not the only one putting an effort into either ignoring or breaking it. Neither of them have spoken of actually broken things, however. Right now, Junho feels like an old wound has been treated, and it could heal, if Taecyeon kept his word, and if he really wanted to keep it. Both conditions are equally important to Junho.
“I’ll be waiting for you, Taec,” Junho says, voice low but steady, eyes never leaving the other’s. He wants Taecyeon to see how important this is, even though he should know by now, without Junho having to say it. Still, it’s worth reminding him, just as it was worth waiting for him today.
Minjun and Wooyoung arrive with food, the fastest way to get Chansung out of the water. There is one huge basket with what they bought at a brunch restaurant on the way to the beach: pancakes and crepes, syrup, nuts, bread, several kinds of fruit and vegetables, ricotta cheese, and so on. Taecyeon hasn’t seen everything by the time Junho brings the cooler he had left in the car. Chansung helps him distribute the drinks while Minjun and Wooyoung take care of the small food containers, spreading it all on the plaid towel they brought. Taecyeon is amazed by what seems to have been something pre-organized without him knowing about it, though he was the one who asked Minjun and Wooyoung to come after Junho called him.
He’s not entirely surprised when he feels Nichkhun watching him. He’s got that knowing look on and Taecyeon’s seen it enough to know he can’t pretend not to have noticed now.
“Spit it out, dude,” he says in English, making up what he hopes is a funny, fake I’ll-fight-you-if-you-don’t-answer-me face. That’s for the others’ sake.
“I need some dating advice from my bestie,” Nichkhun plays along, though his amused smile is real.
“Oh really? Korea’s #1 boyfriend needs me? Sweet.”
Nichkhun laughs at him. “Come on, let’s go for a walk, you giant asshole.”
“You hurt my feelings.”
Nichkhun keeps the smile on and turns to indicate the shore. Taecyeon prefers walking on the dry sand, but he’ll go where the waves come if that’s what Nichkhun wants.
“Yah!” Minjun shouts from behind them. “Don’t take too long. We won’t save any of this for you.” He points at Chansung with his thumb. The maknae’s already munching on a rolled pancake stuffed with what looks like banana slices and syrup. Chansung laughs that endearing way he’s got when it seems he was caught doing something he shouldn’t, but he also shrugs and keeps eating.
Taecyeon looks at Junho, because he’s also felt Junho’s eyes on him. The other blinks at him and Nichkhun once, meets Taecyeon’s eyes with an unreadable expression. Taecyeon reckons he knows what Nichkhun is about to do better than Taecyeon himself, considering they still live together in the dorm. But Junho doesn’t seem bothered by it, and either way he turns his attention away shortly, listening to whatever Wooyoung’s saying.
“Come on, bro,” Nichkhun’s walking off already, so Taecyeon has to follow him. “Aren’t you a little overdressed to be here?”
Taecyeon looks down at his blue and white plaid shirt, the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. He’s also wearing khaki shorts, the loafers left somewhere with the other four members of the group. “Nah, I’m fine.”
Nichkhun looks pointedly at him. He’s wearing just a pair of shorts, still wet from the sea, hair dripping a little less now as they move under the sun. He’s walking by Taecyeon’s left side, closer to the seashore. He enjoys the water that comes at his feet and the way they sink in the wet sand whenever they walk more slowly or stop briefly. “You’ve got past that, right. You’re not covering it up so often these days.”
Taecyeon doesn’t answer. He frowns at the sand and wishes he had brought a hat to keep his hands busy. He puts them in his pockets for a second or two, then takes them out again. Nichkhun reads him too well, puts a comforting hand on his arm and then kicks at the receding waves.
“I hope you’re not doing that for Junho’s sake. That’s the wrong thing to do.”
Taecyeon takes a deep breath. He knows why Nichkhun’s doing this, he appreciates his concern, but it still bothers him. He doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do or not to do. However, he also knows Nichkhun’s right about that. “Look, I didn’t do it on purpose-- I put on whatever I wanted and came, I did not realize it would be so hot here.”
Nichkhun looks at him for a second as if weighing his words, then gives him an irritating, albeit charming smile. “You could always take your shirt off.”
“Save that for your girlfriend.” But Taecyeon’s smiling too.
Nichkhun turns his eyes to the crashing waves before setting a somber look on Taecyeon. “You know the dorm contract’s ending, right?”
“Sure.”
“I know what I’m gonna do. Chansung’s talking about finding a place to share with Minjun and Wooyoung...” he walks several steps before continuing. He looks at Taecyeon as if he had expected him to say something but Taecyeon didn’t live up to it, and he sighs with exasperation. “‘How about Junho?’ ‘Well, he’s stuck because he wants to live alone but he also doesn’t want to leave the dorm, thanks for asking, Taec.’”
Taecyeon stops walking. Nichkhun stops a few steps ahead, turns around and looks at him.
“What? That finally got through to you?”
“What are you trying to tell me?”
Nichkhun walks back to stand in front of him. He lowers his voice, but his eyes are serious and intent. “You know how strong he is. How strong he tries to be. But he doesn’t want to let go.” He pauses, letting the words strike, watching Taecyeon. “He wants to be independent, he wants to get past what happened-- but does that mean leaving it all behind, or starting over again? How many times did you ask yourself that same question, Taec?”
Taecyeon keeps silent. He doesn’t want to have this conversation, not with Nichkhun, even though he’s the one that always knew, the one Taecyeon has trusted after admitting to himself he couldn’t handle everything on his own. Despite all that, he doesn’t like how protective Nichkhun can be at times, to the point where he thinks he can interfere like this. Taecyeon knows how the other’s mind works, and he might even thank him in hindsight, but right now he’s too conflicted to say anything. It’s not like Nichkhun would expect him to speak, though. Nichkhun has just shown he knows very well who Taecyeon needs to talk to.
“Fuck, man. Why are you doing this now?”
Nichkhun puts a hand on his left arm. “Because I’ve seen enough of you two suffering for something that could be fixed if only you took the risk.”
“Cut down on the drama, I’m not wallowing in sorrow. I’m okay.”
Nichkhun rolls his eyes. “Sure you are. Keep telling yourself that. But know one thing: Junho still hopes. He doesn’t show it often, but I’ll hit you in the head if you didn’t realize what he’s trying to do.” He smiles, but it’s fleeting and doesn’t reach his eyes. “You need to do something too, man. Don’t leave him hanging.”
Taecyeon takes a deep breath. He stares down between them, but barely feels the water that circles their feet as they are slowly covered by it, and the sand that stays once the tide retreats. “I know,” he finally says, which doesn’t stand for much. But he does. Not what he’s gonna do, exactly, but he knows it’s on him now.
Nichkhun seems assuaged by his words despite them being few, or maybe it’s the way Taecyeon looks then. Whatever it is, he nods, and turns to walk back to where the others are. Taecyeon can still see them in the distance. He’s suddenly dreading what will happen once they return.
Nichkhun shoves lightly at him. “Come on. You still gotta give me some advice, remember? Her birthday’s coming up.”
x
[14.08]
Junho wants--
He wants to jump at Taecyeon and kiss him senseless, pin him to the floor or be pinned against the wall, whichever has them going faster, harder. He wants to punch him and he means it, he's angry and torn and yearning. Taecyeon played around with him, made it sound like he wasn’t coming anymore. Sometimes he felt like he would go mad trying to understand just what Taecyeon really meant to do.
Whenever Junho told him to come through public sources such as their twitter accounts, Taecyeon teased him and spoke as if he probably wouldn’t manage. Half the time Junho thought it was just for the show, for the fans to be entertained while he concealed his growing distress. He hated being called a nagging mother-in-law, that stung even if Taecyeon didn’t mean it. When texting in private, though, Taecyeon would just say he was trying to fit it in his schedule but he was not sure he could do it. It did sound like he was sorry for it but it just served to bring Junho’s hopes down. He decided to stop asking. The dates were available everywhere, Taecyeon could easily find them online and schedule a plane to Japan by himself, since he prided in doing things like that.
That was before, though. Before Junho saw him in the audience. Before his heart skipped a beat or too many, and he had to summon all his strength not to demonstrate how finally having Taecyeon at his concert affected him. He couldn’t react the right way, since that was not meant for anybody else to see. He could smile, he could beam and talk about Taecyeon’s presence to the fans, but he could not do what he really wanted.
And he still wants. He wants so much--
He's happy but it's too soon, he shouldn't dive in. He might drown if he doesn’t calculate each step carefully, if he doesn’t read Taecyeon well enough.
But he wants--
He wants it to work. He wants to get back with Taecyeon and understand him and be understood. He's had enough of drifting apart for sheer fear of the truth. Although there haven't been any lies that he knows of, the concealment was just as painful.
He wants to strip Taecyeon of masks and be stripped in turn. He wants to bear the scars as a reminder of what they've lost, what could have been, what can still be if only they stop hiding from it.
Junho wants--
"You were great," Taecyeon says as soon as Junho comes backstage, giving him a hug. Cameras flash, Jinyoung-nim pats Junho on the back, says how proud he is of him. Taecyeon hugs him, and Junho hugs him back, but for a moment it’s like they’re clinging to each other.
Taecyeon is not one for hugs like this. He does give the best hugs Junho's had, but when he's doing things just for the camera or the fans, the skinship hardly ever entails anything so intimate. This, however, is a hug for Junho, for them, and if it lasts a second too long, it's nobody's business but their own. Junho does wish they were alone, though.
"I'll catch you later," Taecyeon whispers, pulling back to look at him and give the best I'm-so-happy-for-my-fellow-group-member smile he can, the practiced one the camera registers, the one they both repeat through a succession of selcas and congratulatory or thankful hugs and pats and handshakes and bows whose ending seems too far. Junho's worn out, as elated as he is he just wants to sleep.
He doesn't know when later is. He just hopes Taecyeon will remain true to his word and catch him.
The feeling is not foreign, but it still unsettles him. Taecyeon is nervous, and maybe he ought to be, but he still dislikes the realization once he stops just before the door to Junho's hotel room.
He has come here alone, after nearly regretting the decision to stay in another hotel. That had mostly been unnecessary, but Junho's delighted surprise at seeing him was also worth it. His glowing face when he got off stage later and every sensation that came with hugging him have been committed to Taecyeon's memory. They push him forward now, when doubts he thought solved come back to haunt him. There's only one way to know for sure, and he's going to do it. As soon as he remembers all the things that crossed his mind as possible words, possible beginnings.
At least he's sure Junho will appreciate the food. The hotel staff was used to 2PM staying here, so Taecyeon just had to charm one of them with what was genuine concern for his friend. Junho hadn't eaten anything after the concert, he had gone straight to his room, and it was unlikely that he had left it since. Thus Taecyeon asked and paid for a cart with breakfast for two, grateful the kitchen never stopped working because it was barely four in the morning when he arrived. He had tried to sleep and told himself he could come later or even talk to Junho on the flight back to Korea, but that sounded terrible and only led to more useless brooding. In the end, he took a shower, put on some black and white adidas tracksuit, and then he came here. Now he just needs to keep going.
He knocks at the door and waits. Sleepless nights in the dorm come back to him, memories of empty or crowded beds and exhausted bodies, other nights when everybody would be huddled together in front of the TV, trying to ignore what was on it, on their phones and computers, waiting for calls that never came. He remembers the first time Junho touched the back of his neck when nobody was looking, the first time Taecyeon looked for him in the crowd, the first time there were no words, not because they couldn't be said, but because they were not needed.
Junho doesn't look surprised to see him this time. His eyes are even smaller than usual, sleepiness and exertion keeping them as tiny slits that make him look a little grumpy. To Taecyeon, he looks lovely, alluring, vulnerable. Beautiful, with his messed up black hair, pursed lips, crumpled shirt, cotton pants hanging low on the hips. Taecyeon wants to take Junho in his arms right then and there, but there are things to be said first, and these are very much needed.
Junho rubs at his eyes, but he looks at the cart and nearly smiles. His fingers barely rest on the door handle and Taecyeon waits, still unsure whether he’s really welcome here, at this hour, after all this time. Junho looks up at him through half-lidded eyes that make it look like they’re almost closed, but the intensity in them is still strong. He’s always had that piercing look, no matter how tired or sleepy he was. He opens his mouth, frowns slightly, draws his lower lip in. “We oughta be at the airport in the afternoon only, right?” He sounds like that’s not what he wanted to ask, but Taecyeon nods.
"I can come back later if you want. I just thought you might be hungry, and..."
Junho shakes his head. "It's okay, I couldn't really sleep." He sighs. The frown returns and he suddenly looks like he would years ago, when they had petty arguments that often ended with Taecyeon being hit by the other because he dared point out how adorable Junho looked when angry. "Damn, Taec, I know why you're here, okay? And you know why I wanted you to come. To the concert, I mean." He crosses his arms, eyebrows drawn together.
"Why am I here?" Taecyeon asks softly. One of them has to remain calm, and that's often been his role. He pushes the cart in and closes the door, never turning from the other. Junho doesn't look pleased at the question, but if he wants them to lay the cards on the table, he ought to have the courage to state things clearly.
Junho swallows. Several seconds go by before he unfolds his arms, dropping the frown together with his defenses. "I miss you. I can't stand this anymore, I don't want to keep weighing everything we do and say to each other because I don't know how I'm supposed to act around you anymore. I'm... I'm sorry, I'm not blaming you, it's all--..." he trails off, but Taecyeon has heard this before. He knows what Junho was about to say.
He takes the steps that will get him close enough that he can just lift up an arm and touch Junho's face. He dares do this only because Junho looks as if this is what he wants, what he needs, the touch they've both craved for so long. The yearning, unrelenting, ended up drawing them apart instead of helping them find a way back together.
Taecyeon focuses on this moment, pushes aside what would have made him hesitate before. His thumb strokes around Junho's eye and his other fingers feel the sharpness of his jawline, the tension when it's closed tight. "I have never blamed you," he says, staring at Junho and hoping the truth will get to him. It was not his fault Taecyeon's arm broke. What happened after that, well, that was harder to understand, but somehow Taecyeon could not hold it against him. Junho's guilt had consumed him. Maybe it still does.
Junho touches his hand lightly, then holds his wrist in place. His eyes close for a second and Taecyeon refrains from bringing him closer. For now. He wants to look into his eyes for everything that Junho might tell him, just as he expects the other to bear his gaze too.
"I couldn't even... look at you. Every time you came near me I would see it happening again, the horrible sound and the pain in your face and the blood and what I felt when--" Junho looks up at him. There's despair in his eyes, the same despair Taecyeon's seen before, when he was still in the dorm and Junho saw him with the cast first, and later, when he had to see the scar. "I felt awful, I could not tell that to you but you noticed, you tried to touch me and I--" he shudders, now at the memory, but it still affects Taecyeon. He almost steps back, but Junho grips at him, moves his face on Taecyeon's hand until his breath tickles the palm. His lips leave a barely existent kiss there. "Please."
Taecyeon caresses his face again, now with both hands. Junho's smile is faint but there, his touch going down the wrists to grasp onto Taecyeon’s forearms. The will to kiss him also grips at Taecyeon, but he holds that back again. "I wanted to give you time," he whispers instead, fingers sliding on Junho's skin together with his words. Junho's warm and his face is all smooth and Taecyeon longs to rediscover every inch of him, put his memory to the test, learn Junho in ways he hasn't. "I thought we both needed that, for different reasons. I had to get used to it, too." He meant the scar, the strange fear of hurting himself again, what seemed to be a temporary loss. Junho. He needed Junho back then, he's always needed him. Taecyeon still believes Junho felt the same way, which only added to the other’s negativity. He wanted to be with Taecyeon but he was-- traumatized, maybe.
Junho's hands run over the sleeves of his jacket, holding at his arms. One hand over the scar. Fingers grip resolutely through the fabric and at Taecyeon's flesh, letting him know he's conscious of it. "I feel bad every time you cover the scar. It's not right that you'd feel ashamed of it."
Taecyeon’s first answer to that is to take the jacket off, throwing it on the bed some feet away from them. Junho’s eyes widen the slightest bit, and maybe his pupils are dilated, but what matters more is his touch on Taecyeon’s arms as soon as the latter is done, glad he wore just a black tank top underneath. "You shouldn’t feel bad either." Taecyeon strokes his fringe, pulling it up. Junho breathes in deeply and sighs as he leans forward, their chests touching. He gazes up at Taecyeon just an inch or two away from his face, eyes clear now, sleepiness nearly gone. His fingers trace the scar, the tenderness and the meaning in the gesture making Taecyeon shiver slightly.
"This shouldn’t stand between us." Junho’s voice carries the regret Taecyeon shares with him, but Junho's face also speaks of hope and want, an ask for forgiveness. It's not for Taecyeon to give it to him, Junho should forgive himself, they both need to realize and do that. But Taecyeon also believes they can help each other. That is the one thing at which they've failed.
"I want you," Taecyeon says, because he does. Because Junho needs to hear it, because he misses saying it. He misses acting on it. He wants Junho, he wants his honesty and his laughter and the bubbling in his throat, he wants his pettiness and his eagerness. He wants the shudder beneath his touch and the curve of hip bones under his lips, he wants the deep voice and the tantrums. He wants the fire and the ice that clash as Junho’s personality, he wants it to clash with his own again. He wants to fight with him because that means fighting for him.
Junho kisses him. Taecyeon doesn’t stop caressing his face, but he also touches his throat, one hand gliding down Junho’s shoulder and back to bring him closer. It’s a light pressure at first, but Junho sighs against his lips, arches into him, and silently tells him it’s okay. Taecyeon smiles against his mouth and grips at his flesh as Junho’s lips part and pull at his own. Hands move up Taecyeon’s arms to his shoulders, collarbones, the dip of his chest. Junho takes a deep breath even as they kiss again, as if breathing Taecyeon in, savoring him. His tongue is slow and hot on Taecyeon’s lips and into his mouth, caressing him, tasting, getting tasted. Taecyeon wants to take him in his arms and hold him so tight Junho might hit him for it, but he just holds him and tugs at his hair. And kisses him. Junho’s palm rests on his chest, fingers caressing Taecyeon’s shoulder and bones while his other hand comes to grip at Taecyeon’s wrist again, pausing.
Taecyeon would be lying to say he doesn’t mind it, but he also gets to look at Junho’s face, the closed eyelids, the shadow of locks falling around his forehead, the lower lip Junho bites into while struggling with something, or maybe trying to steady himself. Junho’s fingers loosen around Taecyeon’s arm but still hold him, only it feels like a caress now. When he looks at Taecyeon again, there’s a light in his eyes, which seem to be smiling at him even though his mouth remains closed. Taecyeon touches his cheeks, just under his eyelashes, up to the end of his eyebrow, then his temple, and through his hair, behind his ear.
“I want this too,” Junho says, eyes bright and fierce. “I want us.”
They have breakfast on the floor. There is a small round table in Junho’s hotel room but only one chair, so he takes the bowls of food with him as he sits against the footboard. Taecyeon brings the rest, and thus they share steamed rice with natto and nori, miso soup and broiled salmon. Junho finally realizes how hungry he’s been, so he gets up to call the front desk and order another serving of breakfast, besides some mochi. He makes sure to sit closer to Taecyeon this time, leaning on him more than on the bed behind his back. He feels Taecyeon’s eyes on him before he moves to embrace him by the shoulder, but then he pauses, shakes his head and nudges Junho. “Come here,” he says, and Junho moves to sit between his legs, back to chest, Taecyeon’s arms around him. Junho’s suddenly overwhelmed by memories of their old dorm life, watching television like this, assessing their own live performances before or after he and Wooyoung would get up to try out some girl group choreography. He clings to the present warmth though. He covers Taecyeon’s arms with his own, brings the hands up against his torso and leans his head on Taecyeon’s chest, eyes closed.
“Aren’t you tired?” Taecyeon asks, probably feeling how relaxed he’s getting, how his breathing has slowed down. Junho is exhausted, but he wants to talk to Taecyeon. He wants to stay with him. He wants Taecyeon to stay around until they leave, and after that.
“We’re gonna try again, right?” He hears his own voice, like a thought coming out by accident. It’s also that, what he’s wondering about, what’s keeping him from succumbing to the will to cry.
Taecyeon tightens his hold around him. “We are. I’ll tell you that and show you that until you believe it. Until you believe me.”
“I do believe you. I trust you. It was me--”
“Don’t.”
Junho swallows. He takes a deep breath, keeps his eyes closed. One of Taecyeon’s hands is right over his heart. He exhales gradually, slits an eye open to follow the slow rise and fall of their joined fingers on his chest. “I don’t want-- I don’t want that to happen again.”
“I promise I won’t exercise to the point where my muscles break my own bones.”
Junho shakes his head, unable to laugh at the untimely joke. He still appreciates it, though, because it’s Taecyeon being himself. This is what he wants. This is what he’s missed. “Shut up,” he says, a little late. He feels Taecyeon smiling against his hair, the tip of his nose just behind Junho’s ear. “I mean... us. Not talking. Not about what really matters, at least. I trust you, but I don’t trust myself not to fuck up again.”
“Stop blaming yourself.”
Junho just shakes his head again, this time out of real frustration.
Taecyeon moves so that he can look at his face, and he pulls Junho’s chin to him, gently but resolutely. “I should have tried harder, too. As much as I tried to be understanding, I realize what happened also made me put some distance between us. When I left the dorm, I didn’t mean to leave you... I never wanted to leave you. But I did.”
And Junho had thought that was what Taecyeon meant to do back then. Junho had helped push him away. Junho had shut him out, rejected him, rejected what he felt. “I made you do it.”
Taecyeon keeps looking at him, and Junho holds his gaze. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say, but he stays silent and Junho’s thankful for that, too. He doesn’t want to argue. Not about this, not about whose guilt it was, even if they weren’t blaming each other but themselves. It was just as bad.
Junho finds it in himself to admit the vulnerability of which he would have been ashamed before. He has overcome this in many ways, but he knows now that he can and should depend on Taecyeon, if only a little. There could be no relationship if he didn't show his trust. “You’re stronger than I am. I need you to fight for me when it seems like I can’t do it.”
Taecyeon blinks slowly, and Junho knows his own words to be heavy, to be the main source of the emotion he sees in Taecyeon’s eyes then. He also feels it, but he swallows, even if Taecyeon catches the way his Adam’s apple moves up and down, his gaze going from Junho’s throat to his face again. “You’re strong, too. You’re fighting. You made me come here.” He holds Junho’s face close to his own and rests their foreheads together, eye to eye. “I don’t know that I would have done it, Junho. I wanted to, but I didn’t know if we were on the same page anymore.”
“I love you.”
Taecyeon presses their lips together. He smiles against Junho’s lips, says the words through the kiss. Junho breathes them in, swallows them, lets them dissolve the lump in his throat.
“We’re gonna try again.” It’s not a question anymore. Taecyeon still nods, and Junho smiles before kissing him one more time, and another. Their only pause happens when the food which Junho ordered arrives.
x
[ Forward]
Group: 2PM
Pairings: Taecyeon/Junho, slight Minjun/Wooyoung
Rating/Warnings: NC-17 for sex, language, and some references to alcohol
Length: ~16,600 words
Summary: Time doesn’t heal. It’s people who have to do it.
Notes: The title comes from Lindsey Buckingham’s Shut Us Down. I listened to that a lot while writing this, and I guess I’d recommend you listen to it at least once. ;)
This first came to life thanks to Michelle sending me a prompt on tumblr a long time ago. It was supposed to be a standalone scene but I’ve wanted to stretch it into a full story ever since, hence what you see below. This goes to the Taecho (& Wookay) shippers on my tl! <3
x
[14.07]
Junho stretches his body on the sand, resting his head on the t-shirt he folded up after taking it off. The sun is out, so far no clouds to impede its slow, pleasant heat as it spreads on his skin. It’s early, and he knows just how long he can lie there on his stomach before he has to turn around and either let his front tan a little too, or get up and do something else. He’s glad he decided to put on some sun block at home, just in case, and that he brought it along. It’s in the car, together with other provisions for a morning at the beach: towels, extra pairs of shorts, and a small beverage container with some cans of water, soda and beer.
He could hear Nichkhun and Chansung’s laughter as they played in the water, the waves coming and going, crashing a few meters down from where he was. The sound of the sea lulls him, especially when the other two decide to take a swim or skip waves, whatever it is that makes their voices fade away. He might have gone to sleep weren’t for his not so comfortable position. Besides, he’s waiting.
He lets his mind wander and thinks about one of 2PM’s upcoming songs, sibilating the lines he’s remembered to test how sure he is of the words and what he still needs to practice more. He’s frowning at a random spot in the sand, the exact rhythm to his first line in Michingo anhiya? forgotten, when his butt gets nudged by an insistent foot. He would swat at it or at least glare at the offender if he didn’t know who to expect. His lack of violence is not because of who it is but for what Junho might get if he doesn’t react as fast and fiercely as he usually does.
Sure enough, when he sits up, the first thing he sees is an ice cream cone that was almost shoved at his face, some of it already melting. He licks at it, his hands getting hold of the cone with care. His eyes close as he licks it again, swallows and hums in appreciation.
“You’re welcome,” Taecyeon says, dimples showing as he looks sideways at Junho. He sits down next to him with his own ice cream, a third of it already gone. He seem to be looking at the sea but his eyes flicker to Junho every few seconds.
“Taecyeonie.” The ice cream isn’t going to slide down the sides of the cone and get his fingers sticky anymore, so Junho savors it slowly now, and meets the other’s stare. “This is really good, thank you.”
Taecyeon’s lips curve up, his eyes softening at the ages, but he doesn’t say anything. Perhaps he’s still sleepy, considering how early they called to invite him to come along, and then meet them here. The few syllables Taecyeon had grumbled on the phone made Junho think he might not even come at all. However, not only did he show up just a little while after the other three had arrived, but he also said Wooyoung and Minjun were coming later to join them for brunch. And then he had offered to buy Junho ice cream, and Junho had accepted eagerly. And now they are here, in silence.
Junho waits. He’s waited for Taecyeon to come, for them both to spend some time together, all of them actually, without cameras around, nothing and no one to worry about. There would always be things to worry about, of course, but it just seems a little easier to ignore them here, away from work, in one of the few chances they have to be truly by themselves, to be themselves. He’s waited, and he’s got two of those things, but not yet the third. Taecyeon has always been thoughtful, and Junho has learned from the other’s patience to have some patience himself. However, he can’t help feeling unsettled by his lack of humor, regardless of the signs Taecyeon might actually be on the verge of telling him something.
And he does, eventually, after the ice cream is gone. Nichkhun and Chansung haven’t shown any signs of getting tired of the water yet, the maknae waving at them before disappearing again. Junho knows how much he enjoys swimming and trusts them both not to be reckless, Nichkhun especially. Thus, he turns his attention to Taecyeon, who has also turned to him.
“I will go to your concert, this time.”
Junho swallows through a lump he didn’t know had formed in his throat. In fact, he may have just ignored its existence for a year, perhaps two. It’s not like he allows it to bother him when he’s busy, and he is busy most of the time, he makes sure it remains so. There have been very few occasions where he was alone with Taecyeon since the latter moved out of the dorm. When there are just the two of them, the tension is harder to ignore, but then Junho is not the only one putting an effort into either ignoring or breaking it. Neither of them have spoken of actually broken things, however. Right now, Junho feels like an old wound has been treated, and it could heal, if Taecyeon kept his word, and if he really wanted to keep it. Both conditions are equally important to Junho.
“I’ll be waiting for you, Taec,” Junho says, voice low but steady, eyes never leaving the other’s. He wants Taecyeon to see how important this is, even though he should know by now, without Junho having to say it. Still, it’s worth reminding him, just as it was worth waiting for him today.
Minjun and Wooyoung arrive with food, the fastest way to get Chansung out of the water. There is one huge basket with what they bought at a brunch restaurant on the way to the beach: pancakes and crepes, syrup, nuts, bread, several kinds of fruit and vegetables, ricotta cheese, and so on. Taecyeon hasn’t seen everything by the time Junho brings the cooler he had left in the car. Chansung helps him distribute the drinks while Minjun and Wooyoung take care of the small food containers, spreading it all on the plaid towel they brought. Taecyeon is amazed by what seems to have been something pre-organized without him knowing about it, though he was the one who asked Minjun and Wooyoung to come after Junho called him.
He’s not entirely surprised when he feels Nichkhun watching him. He’s got that knowing look on and Taecyeon’s seen it enough to know he can’t pretend not to have noticed now.
“Spit it out, dude,” he says in English, making up what he hopes is a funny, fake I’ll-fight-you-if-you-don’t-answer-me face. That’s for the others’ sake.
“I need some dating advice from my bestie,” Nichkhun plays along, though his amused smile is real.
“Oh really? Korea’s #1 boyfriend needs me? Sweet.”
Nichkhun laughs at him. “Come on, let’s go for a walk, you giant asshole.”
“You hurt my feelings.”
Nichkhun keeps the smile on and turns to indicate the shore. Taecyeon prefers walking on the dry sand, but he’ll go where the waves come if that’s what Nichkhun wants.
“Yah!” Minjun shouts from behind them. “Don’t take too long. We won’t save any of this for you.” He points at Chansung with his thumb. The maknae’s already munching on a rolled pancake stuffed with what looks like banana slices and syrup. Chansung laughs that endearing way he’s got when it seems he was caught doing something he shouldn’t, but he also shrugs and keeps eating.
Taecyeon looks at Junho, because he’s also felt Junho’s eyes on him. The other blinks at him and Nichkhun once, meets Taecyeon’s eyes with an unreadable expression. Taecyeon reckons he knows what Nichkhun is about to do better than Taecyeon himself, considering they still live together in the dorm. But Junho doesn’t seem bothered by it, and either way he turns his attention away shortly, listening to whatever Wooyoung’s saying.
“Come on, bro,” Nichkhun’s walking off already, so Taecyeon has to follow him. “Aren’t you a little overdressed to be here?”
Taecyeon looks down at his blue and white plaid shirt, the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. He’s also wearing khaki shorts, the loafers left somewhere with the other four members of the group. “Nah, I’m fine.”
Nichkhun looks pointedly at him. He’s wearing just a pair of shorts, still wet from the sea, hair dripping a little less now as they move under the sun. He’s walking by Taecyeon’s left side, closer to the seashore. He enjoys the water that comes at his feet and the way they sink in the wet sand whenever they walk more slowly or stop briefly. “You’ve got past that, right. You’re not covering it up so often these days.”
Taecyeon doesn’t answer. He frowns at the sand and wishes he had brought a hat to keep his hands busy. He puts them in his pockets for a second or two, then takes them out again. Nichkhun reads him too well, puts a comforting hand on his arm and then kicks at the receding waves.
“I hope you’re not doing that for Junho’s sake. That’s the wrong thing to do.”
Taecyeon takes a deep breath. He knows why Nichkhun’s doing this, he appreciates his concern, but it still bothers him. He doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do or not to do. However, he also knows Nichkhun’s right about that. “Look, I didn’t do it on purpose-- I put on whatever I wanted and came, I did not realize it would be so hot here.”
Nichkhun looks at him for a second as if weighing his words, then gives him an irritating, albeit charming smile. “You could always take your shirt off.”
“Save that for your girlfriend.” But Taecyeon’s smiling too.
Nichkhun turns his eyes to the crashing waves before setting a somber look on Taecyeon. “You know the dorm contract’s ending, right?”
“Sure.”
“I know what I’m gonna do. Chansung’s talking about finding a place to share with Minjun and Wooyoung...” he walks several steps before continuing. He looks at Taecyeon as if he had expected him to say something but Taecyeon didn’t live up to it, and he sighs with exasperation. “‘How about Junho?’ ‘Well, he’s stuck because he wants to live alone but he also doesn’t want to leave the dorm, thanks for asking, Taec.’”
Taecyeon stops walking. Nichkhun stops a few steps ahead, turns around and looks at him.
“What? That finally got through to you?”
“What are you trying to tell me?”
Nichkhun walks back to stand in front of him. He lowers his voice, but his eyes are serious and intent. “You know how strong he is. How strong he tries to be. But he doesn’t want to let go.” He pauses, letting the words strike, watching Taecyeon. “He wants to be independent, he wants to get past what happened-- but does that mean leaving it all behind, or starting over again? How many times did you ask yourself that same question, Taec?”
Taecyeon keeps silent. He doesn’t want to have this conversation, not with Nichkhun, even though he’s the one that always knew, the one Taecyeon has trusted after admitting to himself he couldn’t handle everything on his own. Despite all that, he doesn’t like how protective Nichkhun can be at times, to the point where he thinks he can interfere like this. Taecyeon knows how the other’s mind works, and he might even thank him in hindsight, but right now he’s too conflicted to say anything. It’s not like Nichkhun would expect him to speak, though. Nichkhun has just shown he knows very well who Taecyeon needs to talk to.
“Fuck, man. Why are you doing this now?”
Nichkhun puts a hand on his left arm. “Because I’ve seen enough of you two suffering for something that could be fixed if only you took the risk.”
“Cut down on the drama, I’m not wallowing in sorrow. I’m okay.”
Nichkhun rolls his eyes. “Sure you are. Keep telling yourself that. But know one thing: Junho still hopes. He doesn’t show it often, but I’ll hit you in the head if you didn’t realize what he’s trying to do.” He smiles, but it’s fleeting and doesn’t reach his eyes. “You need to do something too, man. Don’t leave him hanging.”
Taecyeon takes a deep breath. He stares down between them, but barely feels the water that circles their feet as they are slowly covered by it, and the sand that stays once the tide retreats. “I know,” he finally says, which doesn’t stand for much. But he does. Not what he’s gonna do, exactly, but he knows it’s on him now.
Nichkhun seems assuaged by his words despite them being few, or maybe it’s the way Taecyeon looks then. Whatever it is, he nods, and turns to walk back to where the others are. Taecyeon can still see them in the distance. He’s suddenly dreading what will happen once they return.
Nichkhun shoves lightly at him. “Come on. You still gotta give me some advice, remember? Her birthday’s coming up.”
x
[14.08]
Junho wants--
He wants to jump at Taecyeon and kiss him senseless, pin him to the floor or be pinned against the wall, whichever has them going faster, harder. He wants to punch him and he means it, he's angry and torn and yearning. Taecyeon played around with him, made it sound like he wasn’t coming anymore. Sometimes he felt like he would go mad trying to understand just what Taecyeon really meant to do.
Whenever Junho told him to come through public sources such as their twitter accounts, Taecyeon teased him and spoke as if he probably wouldn’t manage. Half the time Junho thought it was just for the show, for the fans to be entertained while he concealed his growing distress. He hated being called a nagging mother-in-law, that stung even if Taecyeon didn’t mean it. When texting in private, though, Taecyeon would just say he was trying to fit it in his schedule but he was not sure he could do it. It did sound like he was sorry for it but it just served to bring Junho’s hopes down. He decided to stop asking. The dates were available everywhere, Taecyeon could easily find them online and schedule a plane to Japan by himself, since he prided in doing things like that.
That was before, though. Before Junho saw him in the audience. Before his heart skipped a beat or too many, and he had to summon all his strength not to demonstrate how finally having Taecyeon at his concert affected him. He couldn’t react the right way, since that was not meant for anybody else to see. He could smile, he could beam and talk about Taecyeon’s presence to the fans, but he could not do what he really wanted.
And he still wants. He wants so much--
He's happy but it's too soon, he shouldn't dive in. He might drown if he doesn’t calculate each step carefully, if he doesn’t read Taecyeon well enough.
But he wants--
He wants it to work. He wants to get back with Taecyeon and understand him and be understood. He's had enough of drifting apart for sheer fear of the truth. Although there haven't been any lies that he knows of, the concealment was just as painful.
He wants to strip Taecyeon of masks and be stripped in turn. He wants to bear the scars as a reminder of what they've lost, what could have been, what can still be if only they stop hiding from it.
Junho wants--
"You were great," Taecyeon says as soon as Junho comes backstage, giving him a hug. Cameras flash, Jinyoung-nim pats Junho on the back, says how proud he is of him. Taecyeon hugs him, and Junho hugs him back, but for a moment it’s like they’re clinging to each other.
Taecyeon is not one for hugs like this. He does give the best hugs Junho's had, but when he's doing things just for the camera or the fans, the skinship hardly ever entails anything so intimate. This, however, is a hug for Junho, for them, and if it lasts a second too long, it's nobody's business but their own. Junho does wish they were alone, though.
"I'll catch you later," Taecyeon whispers, pulling back to look at him and give the best I'm-so-happy-for-my-fellow-group-member smile he can, the practiced one the camera registers, the one they both repeat through a succession of selcas and congratulatory or thankful hugs and pats and handshakes and bows whose ending seems too far. Junho's worn out, as elated as he is he just wants to sleep.
He doesn't know when later is. He just hopes Taecyeon will remain true to his word and catch him.
The feeling is not foreign, but it still unsettles him. Taecyeon is nervous, and maybe he ought to be, but he still dislikes the realization once he stops just before the door to Junho's hotel room.
He has come here alone, after nearly regretting the decision to stay in another hotel. That had mostly been unnecessary, but Junho's delighted surprise at seeing him was also worth it. His glowing face when he got off stage later and every sensation that came with hugging him have been committed to Taecyeon's memory. They push him forward now, when doubts he thought solved come back to haunt him. There's only one way to know for sure, and he's going to do it. As soon as he remembers all the things that crossed his mind as possible words, possible beginnings.
At least he's sure Junho will appreciate the food. The hotel staff was used to 2PM staying here, so Taecyeon just had to charm one of them with what was genuine concern for his friend. Junho hadn't eaten anything after the concert, he had gone straight to his room, and it was unlikely that he had left it since. Thus Taecyeon asked and paid for a cart with breakfast for two, grateful the kitchen never stopped working because it was barely four in the morning when he arrived. He had tried to sleep and told himself he could come later or even talk to Junho on the flight back to Korea, but that sounded terrible and only led to more useless brooding. In the end, he took a shower, put on some black and white adidas tracksuit, and then he came here. Now he just needs to keep going.
He knocks at the door and waits. Sleepless nights in the dorm come back to him, memories of empty or crowded beds and exhausted bodies, other nights when everybody would be huddled together in front of the TV, trying to ignore what was on it, on their phones and computers, waiting for calls that never came. He remembers the first time Junho touched the back of his neck when nobody was looking, the first time Taecyeon looked for him in the crowd, the first time there were no words, not because they couldn't be said, but because they were not needed.
Junho doesn't look surprised to see him this time. His eyes are even smaller than usual, sleepiness and exertion keeping them as tiny slits that make him look a little grumpy. To Taecyeon, he looks lovely, alluring, vulnerable. Beautiful, with his messed up black hair, pursed lips, crumpled shirt, cotton pants hanging low on the hips. Taecyeon wants to take Junho in his arms right then and there, but there are things to be said first, and these are very much needed.
Junho rubs at his eyes, but he looks at the cart and nearly smiles. His fingers barely rest on the door handle and Taecyeon waits, still unsure whether he’s really welcome here, at this hour, after all this time. Junho looks up at him through half-lidded eyes that make it look like they’re almost closed, but the intensity in them is still strong. He’s always had that piercing look, no matter how tired or sleepy he was. He opens his mouth, frowns slightly, draws his lower lip in. “We oughta be at the airport in the afternoon only, right?” He sounds like that’s not what he wanted to ask, but Taecyeon nods.
"I can come back later if you want. I just thought you might be hungry, and..."
Junho shakes his head. "It's okay, I couldn't really sleep." He sighs. The frown returns and he suddenly looks like he would years ago, when they had petty arguments that often ended with Taecyeon being hit by the other because he dared point out how adorable Junho looked when angry. "Damn, Taec, I know why you're here, okay? And you know why I wanted you to come. To the concert, I mean." He crosses his arms, eyebrows drawn together.
"Why am I here?" Taecyeon asks softly. One of them has to remain calm, and that's often been his role. He pushes the cart in and closes the door, never turning from the other. Junho doesn't look pleased at the question, but if he wants them to lay the cards on the table, he ought to have the courage to state things clearly.
Junho swallows. Several seconds go by before he unfolds his arms, dropping the frown together with his defenses. "I miss you. I can't stand this anymore, I don't want to keep weighing everything we do and say to each other because I don't know how I'm supposed to act around you anymore. I'm... I'm sorry, I'm not blaming you, it's all--..." he trails off, but Taecyeon has heard this before. He knows what Junho was about to say.
He takes the steps that will get him close enough that he can just lift up an arm and touch Junho's face. He dares do this only because Junho looks as if this is what he wants, what he needs, the touch they've both craved for so long. The yearning, unrelenting, ended up drawing them apart instead of helping them find a way back together.
Taecyeon focuses on this moment, pushes aside what would have made him hesitate before. His thumb strokes around Junho's eye and his other fingers feel the sharpness of his jawline, the tension when it's closed tight. "I have never blamed you," he says, staring at Junho and hoping the truth will get to him. It was not his fault Taecyeon's arm broke. What happened after that, well, that was harder to understand, but somehow Taecyeon could not hold it against him. Junho's guilt had consumed him. Maybe it still does.
Junho touches his hand lightly, then holds his wrist in place. His eyes close for a second and Taecyeon refrains from bringing him closer. For now. He wants to look into his eyes for everything that Junho might tell him, just as he expects the other to bear his gaze too.
"I couldn't even... look at you. Every time you came near me I would see it happening again, the horrible sound and the pain in your face and the blood and what I felt when--" Junho looks up at him. There's despair in his eyes, the same despair Taecyeon's seen before, when he was still in the dorm and Junho saw him with the cast first, and later, when he had to see the scar. "I felt awful, I could not tell that to you but you noticed, you tried to touch me and I--" he shudders, now at the memory, but it still affects Taecyeon. He almost steps back, but Junho grips at him, moves his face on Taecyeon's hand until his breath tickles the palm. His lips leave a barely existent kiss there. "Please."
Taecyeon caresses his face again, now with both hands. Junho's smile is faint but there, his touch going down the wrists to grasp onto Taecyeon’s forearms. The will to kiss him also grips at Taecyeon, but he holds that back again. "I wanted to give you time," he whispers instead, fingers sliding on Junho's skin together with his words. Junho's warm and his face is all smooth and Taecyeon longs to rediscover every inch of him, put his memory to the test, learn Junho in ways he hasn't. "I thought we both needed that, for different reasons. I had to get used to it, too." He meant the scar, the strange fear of hurting himself again, what seemed to be a temporary loss. Junho. He needed Junho back then, he's always needed him. Taecyeon still believes Junho felt the same way, which only added to the other’s negativity. He wanted to be with Taecyeon but he was-- traumatized, maybe.
Junho's hands run over the sleeves of his jacket, holding at his arms. One hand over the scar. Fingers grip resolutely through the fabric and at Taecyeon's flesh, letting him know he's conscious of it. "I feel bad every time you cover the scar. It's not right that you'd feel ashamed of it."
Taecyeon’s first answer to that is to take the jacket off, throwing it on the bed some feet away from them. Junho’s eyes widen the slightest bit, and maybe his pupils are dilated, but what matters more is his touch on Taecyeon’s arms as soon as the latter is done, glad he wore just a black tank top underneath. "You shouldn’t feel bad either." Taecyeon strokes his fringe, pulling it up. Junho breathes in deeply and sighs as he leans forward, their chests touching. He gazes up at Taecyeon just an inch or two away from his face, eyes clear now, sleepiness nearly gone. His fingers trace the scar, the tenderness and the meaning in the gesture making Taecyeon shiver slightly.
"This shouldn’t stand between us." Junho’s voice carries the regret Taecyeon shares with him, but Junho's face also speaks of hope and want, an ask for forgiveness. It's not for Taecyeon to give it to him, Junho should forgive himself, they both need to realize and do that. But Taecyeon also believes they can help each other. That is the one thing at which they've failed.
"I want you," Taecyeon says, because he does. Because Junho needs to hear it, because he misses saying it. He misses acting on it. He wants Junho, he wants his honesty and his laughter and the bubbling in his throat, he wants his pettiness and his eagerness. He wants the shudder beneath his touch and the curve of hip bones under his lips, he wants the deep voice and the tantrums. He wants the fire and the ice that clash as Junho’s personality, he wants it to clash with his own again. He wants to fight with him because that means fighting for him.
Junho kisses him. Taecyeon doesn’t stop caressing his face, but he also touches his throat, one hand gliding down Junho’s shoulder and back to bring him closer. It’s a light pressure at first, but Junho sighs against his lips, arches into him, and silently tells him it’s okay. Taecyeon smiles against his mouth and grips at his flesh as Junho’s lips part and pull at his own. Hands move up Taecyeon’s arms to his shoulders, collarbones, the dip of his chest. Junho takes a deep breath even as they kiss again, as if breathing Taecyeon in, savoring him. His tongue is slow and hot on Taecyeon’s lips and into his mouth, caressing him, tasting, getting tasted. Taecyeon wants to take him in his arms and hold him so tight Junho might hit him for it, but he just holds him and tugs at his hair. And kisses him. Junho’s palm rests on his chest, fingers caressing Taecyeon’s shoulder and bones while his other hand comes to grip at Taecyeon’s wrist again, pausing.
Taecyeon would be lying to say he doesn’t mind it, but he also gets to look at Junho’s face, the closed eyelids, the shadow of locks falling around his forehead, the lower lip Junho bites into while struggling with something, or maybe trying to steady himself. Junho’s fingers loosen around Taecyeon’s arm but still hold him, only it feels like a caress now. When he looks at Taecyeon again, there’s a light in his eyes, which seem to be smiling at him even though his mouth remains closed. Taecyeon touches his cheeks, just under his eyelashes, up to the end of his eyebrow, then his temple, and through his hair, behind his ear.
“I want this too,” Junho says, eyes bright and fierce. “I want us.”
They have breakfast on the floor. There is a small round table in Junho’s hotel room but only one chair, so he takes the bowls of food with him as he sits against the footboard. Taecyeon brings the rest, and thus they share steamed rice with natto and nori, miso soup and broiled salmon. Junho finally realizes how hungry he’s been, so he gets up to call the front desk and order another serving of breakfast, besides some mochi. He makes sure to sit closer to Taecyeon this time, leaning on him more than on the bed behind his back. He feels Taecyeon’s eyes on him before he moves to embrace him by the shoulder, but then he pauses, shakes his head and nudges Junho. “Come here,” he says, and Junho moves to sit between his legs, back to chest, Taecyeon’s arms around him. Junho’s suddenly overwhelmed by memories of their old dorm life, watching television like this, assessing their own live performances before or after he and Wooyoung would get up to try out some girl group choreography. He clings to the present warmth though. He covers Taecyeon’s arms with his own, brings the hands up against his torso and leans his head on Taecyeon’s chest, eyes closed.
“Aren’t you tired?” Taecyeon asks, probably feeling how relaxed he’s getting, how his breathing has slowed down. Junho is exhausted, but he wants to talk to Taecyeon. He wants to stay with him. He wants Taecyeon to stay around until they leave, and after that.
“We’re gonna try again, right?” He hears his own voice, like a thought coming out by accident. It’s also that, what he’s wondering about, what’s keeping him from succumbing to the will to cry.
Taecyeon tightens his hold around him. “We are. I’ll tell you that and show you that until you believe it. Until you believe me.”
“I do believe you. I trust you. It was me--”
“Don’t.”
Junho swallows. He takes a deep breath, keeps his eyes closed. One of Taecyeon’s hands is right over his heart. He exhales gradually, slits an eye open to follow the slow rise and fall of their joined fingers on his chest. “I don’t want-- I don’t want that to happen again.”
“I promise I won’t exercise to the point where my muscles break my own bones.”
Junho shakes his head, unable to laugh at the untimely joke. He still appreciates it, though, because it’s Taecyeon being himself. This is what he wants. This is what he’s missed. “Shut up,” he says, a little late. He feels Taecyeon smiling against his hair, the tip of his nose just behind Junho’s ear. “I mean... us. Not talking. Not about what really matters, at least. I trust you, but I don’t trust myself not to fuck up again.”
“Stop blaming yourself.”
Junho just shakes his head again, this time out of real frustration.
Taecyeon moves so that he can look at his face, and he pulls Junho’s chin to him, gently but resolutely. “I should have tried harder, too. As much as I tried to be understanding, I realize what happened also made me put some distance between us. When I left the dorm, I didn’t mean to leave you... I never wanted to leave you. But I did.”
And Junho had thought that was what Taecyeon meant to do back then. Junho had helped push him away. Junho had shut him out, rejected him, rejected what he felt. “I made you do it.”
Taecyeon keeps looking at him, and Junho holds his gaze. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say, but he stays silent and Junho’s thankful for that, too. He doesn’t want to argue. Not about this, not about whose guilt it was, even if they weren’t blaming each other but themselves. It was just as bad.
Junho finds it in himself to admit the vulnerability of which he would have been ashamed before. He has overcome this in many ways, but he knows now that he can and should depend on Taecyeon, if only a little. There could be no relationship if he didn't show his trust. “You’re stronger than I am. I need you to fight for me when it seems like I can’t do it.”
Taecyeon blinks slowly, and Junho knows his own words to be heavy, to be the main source of the emotion he sees in Taecyeon’s eyes then. He also feels it, but he swallows, even if Taecyeon catches the way his Adam’s apple moves up and down, his gaze going from Junho’s throat to his face again. “You’re strong, too. You’re fighting. You made me come here.” He holds Junho’s face close to his own and rests their foreheads together, eye to eye. “I don’t know that I would have done it, Junho. I wanted to, but I didn’t know if we were on the same page anymore.”
“I love you.”
Taecyeon presses their lips together. He smiles against Junho’s lips, says the words through the kiss. Junho breathes them in, swallows them, lets them dissolve the lump in his throat.
“We’re gonna try again.” It’s not a question anymore. Taecyeon still nods, and Junho smiles before kissing him one more time, and another. Their only pause happens when the food which Junho ordered arrives.
x
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