This must be it. Welcome to the New Year...
Another year is over. I started off the year promising, as I do every year, to make it my year to be happy. How has that worked out for me? I'm left bitter, lonely, and pissed off. For your safety (and because I'm likely to be emo), here's my year behind an oh-so-nice cut.
January started off okay. I was kind of lonely and sad, but overall doing okay. That block was the class from hell, namely analytical chemistry. I pulled through it with a lot of help (and cigarettes) from John Gammons. That month was also the month that I started hanging out with Mark Doom, the guy I'd been hopelessly crushing on for 2 1/2 years. The month culminated in a long drive with Piell and Mark (and then just Mark) out to Des Moines.
February started off right. At about 2 a.m. on February 1st, Mark and I officially started dating. I couldn't have been more thrilled. It was followed a couple of days later with Mark developing mono and me dislocating my shoulder in an unfortunate ice-skating accident. There was my first Valentine's Day with a boyfriend who was actually in the country, and it was spent in a wonderful way, with chocolate and "A Cinderella Story" with Mark. It ended with pledging, which couldn't have been any more fun, despite the ice storm on bid night. I also took a pretty awesome kid (more on that later). Mark also told me that he loved me.
March was a lonely month for me. Mark was in Mexico for class, and so I kind of threw myself into Macroeconomics and the KDChis. I was hanging out with my friends a lot, kind of as a way to fill the void from the fact that the person I loved wasn't there. After 28 painstaking days, he was back. Then it was off to North Dakota to meet his parents and spend spring break (and see Eric Clapton in concert). Let's just say that there was an awkward situation, that I'm pretty sure made his mom hate me.
In April, I went to my first Catholic Easter service and met Mark's extended family. There was KDChi formal, which was fun, except for an incident with Ted being there. That class was computer graphics, which was fun, except for getting into a confrontation with my professor about my "I'm not a fucking poser" button. I did an okay job in the class. That block break was a conference in St. Cloud, Minnesota, back to North Dakota for a bit, then SKY formal, which was a lot of fun, even if dinner made me throw up.
May was my favorite class of the year, and also an exciting time in my life. For the first time, I felt like things were working out for me, and that I was happy. I started my new positions in the KDChis and also with Greek Council, got an A in Database Systems Management, and felt like things were perfect with Mark. Then came the end of the year, and time to go back to Texas for the summer, since it was likely to be my grandmother's last.
June was a never-ending search for a job, that came up completely fruitless. There were many fights with my parents, and just general unhappiness. I was driving every other day out to East Texas, which is about 100 miles each way for me. I was incredibly stressed out and angry.
The only thing that kept me going was looking forward to July. For my 21st birthday, my parents took Mark and I to Montreal, Canada, for a fun-filled 5 day vacation. It was a blast, and really renewed me. Unfortunately, on our last night there, my grandfather called to say that my grandmother had been rushed to the hospital for another infection. We flew back in bad moods, me especially. I had to say goodbye to Mark until September, and deal with the stuff going on with my grandmother. She got a little better, and I got a job! I thought things were perfect. Then came July 28. Mark and I got into a huge fight and he dumped me, saying that he just couldn't love me as a girlfriend anymore, but only as a close dear friend. That was about midnight. I cried, ate some chocolate, cried some more, then slept for about an hour. My mom came in my room around 8 a.m. to inform me my grandmother died. The next few days were a blur.
I started off August in Arkansas for my grandmother's funeral. My family hadn't seen me since I was 8 or 13, depending, and so I got the boyfriend question a lot. It was hard to mask my depression. But I was forced by my dad to keep a happy face for my mom. I wasn't allowed to grieve. I was expected to be okay and cheerful and keep everyone going. I'd had more tragedy than anyone at that time. I don't know how I did it. I spent the rest of August in a deep depression. I barely ate, and Xanex was the only thing that kept me functional. I was ready to get out of my house and go back to Iowa, where I could at least be with my friends.
September meant it was back to school. I threw myself into it. I dedicated myself to my clubs, schoolwork, and friends. Unfortunately I made some mistakes though. I ended up fooling around with Ted (which was a really bad idea) and sleeping with a close friend. And continued sleeping with them.
October brought a plethora of issues within the KDChis. I won't go into details, but I'm honestly surprised that we didn't disband from them. Tensions were so high, and I was wearing myself thin trying to keep the group together. I couldn't imagine life without my sisters. Losing my kid in the group at that time was hard. I worked really hard and brought everyone together. I hope I helped even a little bit. I love my sisters, and couldn't bear to lose them. It was also at that time that I started...well...complicating it with someone. I can't even begin to tell you how complicated the situation is.
That continued into November. He ended up dropping his class and going back home for the block. While he was...whatevering with me, he also ended up getting back together with his ex-girlfriend in an open relationship. It was really difficult for me. But I kept going. He came back late that month, and, surprise, surprise, things between us hadn't changed. I was so confused. I knew it was bad for me, but I kept at it. I slowly became disgusted with myself.
December started off with nearly killing myself trying to make it to Chicago to see the Star Wars exhibit. It was stressful, but I came back alive. Things were going well in the KDChis. Then came the thing that threw me for a bigger loop than I could imagine. The guy that I was still with told me a friend of his from home was coming to stay with him for a week. And I stupidly believed him. It wasn't until she was here that I was informed it was not a friend from back home. It was a girl that he had met a few weeks before that drove in with the sole purpose of sleeping with him. She was a friend of one of our friends, that he even introduced me to. I can't even begin to describe my feelings at that point. By this time, I was so ready to just come home and get away from it all.
Well that brings me up to current times. I'm home and more pissed off than ever. I hate it here and just want this vacation to be over with so I can permanently move to the Midwest. This house isn't home. I'm lonely, but that's looking like it might change. Either way, my New Year's Eve is gonna suck. I wouldn't be a true emo kid unless I left you with some song lyrics. Here's my theme for next year:
Well, I'm still searching. Look for an entry coming soon.
January started off okay. I was kind of lonely and sad, but overall doing okay. That block was the class from hell, namely analytical chemistry. I pulled through it with a lot of help (and cigarettes) from John Gammons. That month was also the month that I started hanging out with Mark Doom, the guy I'd been hopelessly crushing on for 2 1/2 years. The month culminated in a long drive with Piell and Mark (and then just Mark) out to Des Moines.
February started off right. At about 2 a.m. on February 1st, Mark and I officially started dating. I couldn't have been more thrilled. It was followed a couple of days later with Mark developing mono and me dislocating my shoulder in an unfortunate ice-skating accident. There was my first Valentine's Day with a boyfriend who was actually in the country, and it was spent in a wonderful way, with chocolate and "A Cinderella Story" with Mark. It ended with pledging, which couldn't have been any more fun, despite the ice storm on bid night. I also took a pretty awesome kid (more on that later). Mark also told me that he loved me.
March was a lonely month for me. Mark was in Mexico for class, and so I kind of threw myself into Macroeconomics and the KDChis. I was hanging out with my friends a lot, kind of as a way to fill the void from the fact that the person I loved wasn't there. After 28 painstaking days, he was back. Then it was off to North Dakota to meet his parents and spend spring break (and see Eric Clapton in concert). Let's just say that there was an awkward situation, that I'm pretty sure made his mom hate me.
In April, I went to my first Catholic Easter service and met Mark's extended family. There was KDChi formal, which was fun, except for an incident with Ted being there. That class was computer graphics, which was fun, except for getting into a confrontation with my professor about my "I'm not a fucking poser" button. I did an okay job in the class. That block break was a conference in St. Cloud, Minnesota, back to North Dakota for a bit, then SKY formal, which was a lot of fun, even if dinner made me throw up.
May was my favorite class of the year, and also an exciting time in my life. For the first time, I felt like things were working out for me, and that I was happy. I started my new positions in the KDChis and also with Greek Council, got an A in Database Systems Management, and felt like things were perfect with Mark. Then came the end of the year, and time to go back to Texas for the summer, since it was likely to be my grandmother's last.
June was a never-ending search for a job, that came up completely fruitless. There were many fights with my parents, and just general unhappiness. I was driving every other day out to East Texas, which is about 100 miles each way for me. I was incredibly stressed out and angry.
The only thing that kept me going was looking forward to July. For my 21st birthday, my parents took Mark and I to Montreal, Canada, for a fun-filled 5 day vacation. It was a blast, and really renewed me. Unfortunately, on our last night there, my grandfather called to say that my grandmother had been rushed to the hospital for another infection. We flew back in bad moods, me especially. I had to say goodbye to Mark until September, and deal with the stuff going on with my grandmother. She got a little better, and I got a job! I thought things were perfect. Then came July 28. Mark and I got into a huge fight and he dumped me, saying that he just couldn't love me as a girlfriend anymore, but only as a close dear friend. That was about midnight. I cried, ate some chocolate, cried some more, then slept for about an hour. My mom came in my room around 8 a.m. to inform me my grandmother died. The next few days were a blur.
I started off August in Arkansas for my grandmother's funeral. My family hadn't seen me since I was 8 or 13, depending, and so I got the boyfriend question a lot. It was hard to mask my depression. But I was forced by my dad to keep a happy face for my mom. I wasn't allowed to grieve. I was expected to be okay and cheerful and keep everyone going. I'd had more tragedy than anyone at that time. I don't know how I did it. I spent the rest of August in a deep depression. I barely ate, and Xanex was the only thing that kept me functional. I was ready to get out of my house and go back to Iowa, where I could at least be with my friends.
September meant it was back to school. I threw myself into it. I dedicated myself to my clubs, schoolwork, and friends. Unfortunately I made some mistakes though. I ended up fooling around with Ted (which was a really bad idea) and sleeping with a close friend. And continued sleeping with them.
October brought a plethora of issues within the KDChis. I won't go into details, but I'm honestly surprised that we didn't disband from them. Tensions were so high, and I was wearing myself thin trying to keep the group together. I couldn't imagine life without my sisters. Losing my kid in the group at that time was hard. I worked really hard and brought everyone together. I hope I helped even a little bit. I love my sisters, and couldn't bear to lose them. It was also at that time that I started...well...complicating it with someone. I can't even begin to tell you how complicated the situation is.
That continued into November. He ended up dropping his class and going back home for the block. While he was...whatevering with me, he also ended up getting back together with his ex-girlfriend in an open relationship. It was really difficult for me. But I kept going. He came back late that month, and, surprise, surprise, things between us hadn't changed. I was so confused. I knew it was bad for me, but I kept at it. I slowly became disgusted with myself.
December started off with nearly killing myself trying to make it to Chicago to see the Star Wars exhibit. It was stressful, but I came back alive. Things were going well in the KDChis. Then came the thing that threw me for a bigger loop than I could imagine. The guy that I was still with told me a friend of his from home was coming to stay with him for a week. And I stupidly believed him. It wasn't until she was here that I was informed it was not a friend from back home. It was a girl that he had met a few weeks before that drove in with the sole purpose of sleeping with him. She was a friend of one of our friends, that he even introduced me to. I can't even begin to describe my feelings at that point. By this time, I was so ready to just come home and get away from it all.
Well that brings me up to current times. I'm home and more pissed off than ever. I hate it here and just want this vacation to be over with so I can permanently move to the Midwest. This house isn't home. I'm lonely, but that's looking like it might change. Either way, my New Year's Eve is gonna suck. I wouldn't be a true emo kid unless I left you with some song lyrics. Here's my theme for next year:
Well, I'm still searching. Look for an entry coming soon.