Of ghosts and glass
Of ghosts and glass
one-shot; >2000 words
angst (mild violence)
Plot: Yoona finds comfort in the dark. Other times, her demons find her there first.
Off-note: finally popped the first-fic cherry. And damn, I didn't think it'd be this long.
Darkness blanketed the lobby, the hallways, the practice studios. Hand in hand with silence, together they engulfed the buzz and energy that was present during the daytime and during daytime only. When the sun was up, this was a home of young, determined minds filled with images of stardom and fame, of their names becoming known someday. The walls would listen to their dreams and desires, the ones they couldn’t admit to anyone else for fear of being too far-fetched. Over time, tears and sweat were spilled on its floors. It knew their innermost thoughts and sensed their true feelings, watching each one grow every day.
But as the lights went out and the moon and stars came out to hover over the city, the bright atmosphere and sounds of music and chatter would evaporate, leaving nothing but the quiet stillness in the emptied rooms.
It would become just another building made of concrete and glass, identical to the hundreds in this crowded city.
Yoona drifted through the hallways, a ghost in the middle of the night. After all the years she’d spent here, she could navigate in the darkness. Breathing in the calm, hushed air, she felt at peace. She let the exhaustion of intensely-packed schedules disappear from her body. Shedding the public image of Girls’ Generation’s Yoona, idol girl group member, she emptied her mind of any concern that lay past the doors and outside the building as she wandered barefoot.
When she was younger- more naïve, more innocent, with such a pure mind- childish dreams and fantasies filled her mind as well. She surprised her father and sister when she told them she was going to audition. Doubt was clearly etched in her father’s mind while her unnie looked at her with a hint of concern, but they had her support nonetheless. These began to fade as she began her life as a trainee (“If you’re happy, we’re happy for you,” her father said) and when her career began to develop up to her debut.
As her and her group’s popularity rose, so did their worries. It was the same for the others: any criticism or hate aimed at one member would hit the rest of the group as well as their family, if not worse. She felt guilty, selfish for ever putting them in such a position, to have to watch her under constant public scrutiny while not being able to do anything to protect her. Now, her mind was filled with alternate endings and what-ifs.
In her pocket, her phone rings. It’s a message from Sunny. Yoona, don’t stay out too late~ we told manager-oppa you fell asleep in Sica’s room. It’s actually just the large bear we bought in Tokyo so it looks like it’s you under the covers~ We went out for a late snack, there’s some left for you when you get back in the kitchen ^^
Seconds after she finished reading the message, she received another, this time from Sooyoung, with a picture attached. Come home soon or I’ll eat this. It’s quite delicious, but late-night snacking isn’t as fun with just one shikshin.
Her phone rings again. Stay out as late as you want. Are you secretly seeing someone right now? I’m with someone too. We’re going to sleep now. merong~ Jessica sent her a selca of her in bed with the bear Sunny had mentioned.
The light from the small screen of her phone strains her eyes as she reads the messages. She tried to hold back, but a soft smile broke through, growing on her lips. Before she could realize it, tears rolled down her cheeks. Hastily, she put her phone back in her pocket and sniffed as she wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. Her eyes adjust again to the black of the building as she pushes the thought out of her mind.
When she was younger, she was afraid of the dark. When she was naïve and innocent, a mind so pure, untainted by the harsh realities of the world. In the dark, it felt like her fears and nightmares would come out of their hiding places and proceed to crawl towards her and she couldn’t see them. Thoughts and memories she wanted to escape from would re-emerge and return to haunt her once more.
Yet as time passed, she found shelter in the shadows. They protected her from the flashing cameras and the blinding stage lights, became her silent confidante. In the dark, she was unrecognized; an anonymous ghost wandering as the city slept.
Yoona stepped into the practice room, moonlight streaming through the windows and casting the room in a deep blue. The light fell upon her as she stared at the large wall mirrors. The girl who stared back had hair immaculately cascading down her shoulders, her disheveled dress looking out of place. Large doe-eyes -the ones described on numerous occasions as pure, innocent and clear eyes- were in a blank, empty gaze as they reflected the light from outside.
They say the eyes are the window to one’s soul. Hers were far from being as clear as glass. She had learnt to put a mask on herself; an actress in daily life. Her eyes were mirrors, its reflection keeping others out from seeing what was truly beneath them.
With daylight came the pressures to be perfect. Daylight was the criticism of strangers she’d never met, the weariness and exhaustion of making people happy, but never being enough.
And then there were times she’d wrapped herself too much in darkness. Thoughts that filled her mind and turned against her, losing herself as musings turned to daggers, leaving her to wonder if this was how she was supposed to be alive. She’d fallen on more than one occasion: nights of self-loathing and pity were fuelled by words that affected her more than they should, more than she let them.
---
Jungsu had followed her to the rooftop without her knowing after a night of drowning herself in one too many drinks, thinking it would make her numb-instead, it left her paralyzed, unable to escape from the voice in her mind that had turned against her.
Yoona, come down from that ledge, Jungsu coaxed. Please. Tell me what’s wrong.
Yoona stood firmly, looking up at the stars scattered in the sky, the moon shining brightly among them. I…I can’t do this anymore. He couldn’t recognize the voice that was so flat, so drained of life. Her eyes shone dully, hair tumbling past her drooping shoulders.
Listen to me- you don’t have to do this. His voice shook as he began to plead with her. We still need you. Tears streamed quietly down her face. Don’t leave us this way. He could no longer mask the panic as he pleaded, each second seeing her like this broke his heart even more.
Yoona felt her legs buckle before they gave way beneath her, Jungsu catching her as she collapsed. I’m sorry, she mumbled numbly as he cradled her tightly in his arms.
Closing her eyes, all she could see were the moon and stars, before darkness engulfed her and unconsciousness took over.
Yoona, you’re not worthless, Taeyeon told her. I could care less about what those people said about you because the person they’re talking about isn’t the Yoona I know.
Don’t get any more of those funny thoughts, either. We’ll both be in trouble with Jungsu-oppa if I let you break your promise to him.
They were in the practice room in preparation for their comeback, on the verge of exhaustion after two days straight of brand new choreography. The leader tucked Yoona’s hair behind her ear before giving her a hug. You’re strong, Yoona, she whispered.
Tiffany patted Taeyeon’s hand as she sat next to Yoona on the floor. Yoona. Her voice was serious than the cheerful, bubbly Tiffany she was accustomed to on a daily basis. You can’t do this anymore. We all get hurt, too. This was Miyoung speaking to her.
Yoona, are you listening to me? Tiffany waved a hand in front of her face. Yoona just stared emotionlessly back. I know, I’ll go grab something to eat from the kitchen, I’ll be right back. Yoona watched in a daze as Tiffany got up and went to the door, leaving Yoona in the room to herself. She got up and turned off the lights, she took a deep breath as she felt the constricting in her lungs relax. She closed her eyes, finding comfort in the familiarity of the darkness.
She didn’t pay attention to what Taeyeon and Tiffany had said. The hateful voice had beaten them to Yoona much earlier that evening, taunting her once again. Reminding her how undeserving she was, she felt the negative charge surge through her blood, the self-hatred filling her bones once more. She opened her eyes.
Look at yourself. You are worthless. The voice continued to echo, the ringing in her ears grew louder. Face it, you and I know they’ll be better off without you. Her reflection blankly looked back at her in a zombie-like state. Just do everyone a favor and-
Yoona found herself grabbing the stool next to her and swinging it, smashing her reflection into smaller shards. Her blank façade broke as she lost herself once more, hysteria washing over her. She felt her legs collapse as they did before, the shattered glass cut into her knees and hands when she fell.
The door slammed open, the loud click as the switch was flicked on filled the room with its fluorescent light. She felt a strong pair of hands lift her from the pile of glass, urgency in their voice as they called for help. She felt blood trickle from a cut in her forehead, mixing with her tears as it fell down her face. She closed her fist tightly, the shard in her hand cutting deeper into her palm. She felt her chin being tilted upwards. Yoona, the voice commanded as the person tried to shake her from her stupor. Her eyelids fluttered as unconsciousness began to take over as it did before. She felt her fist be pried open, the large shard pulled from her hand.
Loud footsteps approached the room, the voices of her members grew incomprehensible as her eyelids became heavier and she could feel herself giving up. The baritone voice of the person holding her pleaded along with the others. Yoona. Looking back up at the dark eyes of her rescuer, she weakly squeezed their hand as it held hers tightly.
Please forgive me.
---
“Yoona.”
The same baritone voice filled the room, as it accompanied the tall silhouette that appeared at the door. Yoona turned away from the mirror, snapping out of her memories as he walked towards her.
“What are you doing here?” she asks quietly. In the dark, she could still make out the smirk on his lips as he replies.
“I should be asking you that question. Taeyeon said you weren’t at the dorm. She sounded worried… so naturally, I came here.”
Yoona laughed weakly, averting his gaze as she looked away. “Sorry about that. She worries about me easily these days.”
“Let me guess, couldn’t sleep again?” He looked at her, reading her thoughts. Her head bobbed up and down in a nod.
Taking her hand, he examined the scar on it which now blended with the lines on her palm, which was only visible when it shone in the moonlight. She looked up at him, attempting to read the expression on his face. The same set of eyes, those dark eyes, from that day in this very room, stared back.
His eyes crinkled as he smiled his uneven smile at her, only to receive a look of confusion in return. In this lighting, the scar on her forehead glimmered faintly as her eyebrows furrowed. They stood there for a while, illuminated by the moon and the stars in the sky outside, her hand still in his. They were warm, and made her feel secure; safe. Thank you, she mouthed, sincerity in her eyes as she smiled softly.
She tugged gently at his hand. Understanding her gesture, he lead her away as they left the practice room, weaving through the hallways in the dark. Yoona closed her eyes as she let him guide her, basking again in that feeling of safety. Stepping outside, the streetlights lighting the pavements and the sound of the gentle rumbling of passing cars welcomed them.
In a few hours, the sun would rise once again and with it, the buzz and energy that would fill the building with its bright atmosphere and music to welcome dreams fueled by passion and determination. And once again, she would return as the Yoona everyone else saw, her mask perfectly perched over her face.
But for now, she let her walls down as she walked under the yellow glow of the streetlights and the dark blue of the night above them, with him- together in their own little world.
Two ghosts, hand in hand.
A/N: Um... so. Yeah. Firstly, I have no idea how it could get so dark. I'd say plot inspiration came from Tegan and Sara's "Dark Come Soon", while The Hush Sound's "You Are The Moon" was on high rotation as I wrote this.
I just started writing the first two paragraphs, setting the scenery, when all of a sudden this idea came to me. I simply kept writing when I was in the mood and I had that kind of writing mindset. But still... /shudders. I'm not usually this angst-y. This is the first piece I've posted here on LJ, even though there's a lot of parts I criticized as I read through it again... I don't know. Perhaps this whole writing thing will get easier now that I've overcome the barrier of the somewhat intimidating first posted fic. Also, I'm not that familiar with LJ and posting and fic ratings and etc. Okay I'm rambling. I'll stop. Right now. N. O. W. ~