There's a book in the Bible called numbers.

That thing happened again--God letting me know He's here. I was thinking as I sang to myself yesterday I forgot what song was on Rafael's mix CD and it came on the radio the next morning in the the rental car right before I was gonna get out N.O.R.E. "Nothin". Thank you God.
Things get oddly tense at work sometimes. Like their dog who I pet nearly ( Read more... )

Looking back how crazy Rafael's mother is--remember how him and his sister used to ditch her in the grocery store? Rafael was/is abusive. I, too, remember him telling me I wouldn't survive his culture/family. And when I think I miss him, it actually wasn't better because he was lowkey mean and miserable half the time anyways. It was more rare for ( Read more... )

Weirdest thing ever today. Saw a discarded water drum in the alley. It was cracked on the bottom and the top lid looked different, so I know it wasn't the one. Kinda like when I saw what I thought was Rafael's discarded big red storage, but it wasn't really his. And that other time I wanted hand sanitizer in that Ralph's grocery store and it ( Read more... )

Rafael made a point to not slam his door after I left with his water pitcher. He asked me something saying please, but I didn't hear he was asleep when I came for my water drum. He said he was gonna fill it today, but if he did he didn't care enough to bring it over. I just happened to see his car when my uber dropped me off this morning and I ( Read more... )

Day 3? Of no Rafael. Haven't talked to Mom in 2 months? Quiet? Yes. Lonely? Hmm...maybe. Sometimes? Peaceful? Fuck yeah. :) I don't miss it. Not mad, but don't miss it. I kinda feel bad like guilty, but when a person's inner life is hell some people have to make others' lives hell. I'm sure we'll talk again sometime, but the space is kinda nice, ( Read more... )

Sat outside Cue's on bus bench while he sat at bar
Left me twice gym out of anger other time at office, because my time estimate was off using my own car. Did apologize
Kelly's email about restraining order
Lack of empathy how he treated her kids
Used her for career advancement
Me too for move. Wanted me to move out first
Taught me how to cook
Made me ( Read more... )

I finally see him for who he is, God. Got it now.

Like tangibly, practically, he's a good friend. But emotionally he ain't worth shit lol he sucks at it. No mercy, compassion, understanding. Mostly judgment. Approach it mentally? Who knows? Again, it really doesn't matter in the end. I got my answers, though. My peace of mind. Everyone has their own demons to fight. Just glad I won't have to fight ( Read more... )

I've gone back and forth between wanting stability and calling California my home. Either way, I know God's got my back and that's all that matters. I'm not judging Rafael like I'm better, but I really am glad we didn't work out--so no more resentment against him lol. And I knew when the time comes that my job with E ends, he'll say I told you so. ( Read more... )