(no subject)
Yesterday I had to say goodbye to one of the loves of my life. Camilla-billa-dilla. She came into my life at 5 weeks old and left it yesterday a few months short of 14 years old. In the last month she went from 22 pounds to what we discovered yesterday was 13 lbs. we found out yesterday that she had a huge mass in her abdominal cavity.
Thankfully, up until this weekend, she was her usual feisty, ultra-loving, persistent self, with the exception of a few bouts of throwing up and peeing where she shouldn't (she's done this her whole life on and off). This weekend she became a shell. The menaces and I were at my parents and spaceboy was home. He said that she threw up twice on Saturday and after that just retreated - physically as well as metaphysically. I came home late Sunday night and she barely looked at me. The cat who *lived* for me to come home. It was obvious on Monday morning that it was "time". She could barely walk, and she kept trying to hide face first in corners.
So I made a phone call for one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made. spaceboy came with me to the vet. After discussing our options (of which there really was only one...) While I broke down in sobs and had to go outside to get some air, spaceboy said his goodbyes.
When I came back in, I held her in my arms, and told her just how very much we loved her, I thanked her for all that she had given me (us), I told her just how much I loved her soft ears and butterscotch coloured belly. How much I loved her beautiful paws and jade-green eyes. I kissed her all over and stroked her where I wasn't kissing her. She was purring steadily for the first time in 2 days. I asked spaceboy to take some pictures with my camera phone of her in my arms. I needed to see her face...i needed to know she was okay with this. And I needed to know that it really had happened.
memories full of love
saying goodbye
my cat (my mommy)
And then it was time. (And I wanted to change my mind.....) But instead, I held her in my arms and stroked her, and kissed her and kept telling her how very much I loved her. And then in less than 5 seconds she was gone. I didn't know how to leave her body there. (She is being cremated and her ashes scattered in a field in long island).
We came home and told the boys. And then I snuck away to throw up and hide myself. I cried myself asleep into a nap on the floor of our spare room. I woke up to find Drac on my head...sleeping where Camilla usually would. I wondered if Camilla had bossed him from beyond into taking care of me for her.
In our family dynamic, Drac is Twin B's cat, and Camilla was Twin A's cat. Twin B keeps saying he doesn't want Drac to die. Twin A "wrote" Camilla this letter this morning:
Dear pilla-billa,
I hope you have fun. I don’t want you to be scared. I’m glad you’re being brave at the hospital. I love you pilla billa. I think you are my buggle. So you can always be my buggle. I love you pilla billa. I love you pilla billa. I love you pilla billa.
From Twin A*
*as transcribed by spaceboy.
Note - in our family "buggle" is a noun that is used for a stuffed animal or a living creature that you snuggle with who gives you comfort and love.
