(no subject)
Title: If only - PART4
Pairing: Nick/Jules/Niko
Rating: PG
Summary: Last part, coudn't really see a way to break it up into two. Commets/feedback musch appreciated. Again massive thanks to EMILY (<3).
Nikolais’s POV.
I had no fucking clue what was going on. Strangely I feel uncomfortable in my own apartment, I should leave them to sort it out but there’s a part of me that wants to stay. There’s a part of me involved in this too. Watching them fight hurts, but knowing they’ll make up hurts so much more than I ever could have imagined. There's only so much more of this I can take.
Neither of them know what to say. The silence is unbearable. This is my queue to speak, but fuck, no words will fall out of my mouth. What can I say? "Go on Nick you have him? You be happy." I want Nick to be happy, but for once in my life I wish I could just allow myself to be more self absorbed, more up my own ass. More like…Julian.
It was then; I noticed a single tear fall down his defeated face.
"Nick…?" I questioned.
There was an uncomfortable look in Julian’s eyes. He longed to embrace him, to reassure him, to comfort him, to tell him that everything would be just fine. Show him some affection but, the signals being omitted from Nick gave Julian reason to keep his distance, the last thing he wanted was to do any more damage.
Nick’s POV.
He wanted to hug me I could see it in his eyes. Somehow you have to understand that I have to keep pushing you away. I don’t fear my enemies, I fear you. You’ll say to me "I’ll never forget this night." Then, out of the blue you’ll say; you don’t love me, you don’t even want to look at me. I’d do anything to make you understand; you’re the only one that matters to me, I’d do whatever it takes but, the feelings…they aren’t being reciprocated. So I’m going to kiss you now and hope you’ll remember the days when I’d have done anything for you. Anything.
I walked slowly towards him, his expression perplexed, gently I kissed him on the lips, savouring his taste, feeling his warmth for the last time. When our lips parted, I turned away, he breathed my name. I didn’t look back.
"Please don’t make this harder."
I nodded at Nikolai; a faint smile crossed his lips. I headed for the door. This was it. I was finally going to break free, snap out of the hold Julian had over me. I still loved him, I would probably never stop loving him, he would always hold a special place in my heart, but this is where it ends. It’s over. Gone. Finished.
Julian’s POV.
After Nick left, I sat in silence, I watched as Nikolai tried to look anywhere but at me, but I couldn’t resist any longer. I looked into his eyes and I thought I saw it, the same need and the same urgency that I felt. Before he could say anything I was on my feet and pushing my lips hard against his into a passionate kiss.
When we both pulled away I knew that was it. Our relationship had ended before it had even really started. After that I didn’t really see the point in sticking around. I walked home, in the cold, knowing that when I got home there would be no one waiting for me. No one to hold me, and tell me everything would be okay. Albert wasn’t even going to be there, to open a beer with me, and tell me I looked a state. He’d moved out a few weeks back and the thought of an empty apartment scared the fuck out of me.
I pulled out my lyric book, and stared at the remaining blank pages. There weren’t enough pages to convey all the hurt I’d caused because of my need for self-indulgence. I never was good at thinking about the consequences. I would just dive straight in, and then wonder why there was no one to pull me back into air in which I could breathe properly. If only I’d been more like you Nikolai, kept myself to myself, took the observing role. Never seeking any attention. Never wanting to be in the limelight. I don’t think I could ever express how much I admire you. It must have drove you insane having to keep those strong feelings to yourself all that time, having to watch me with Nick. And Nick, I feel so guilty! I honestly never meant to hurt to you. I will never forget the way you made me feel wanted, alive. I owe you so much. You’re young, find someone who can give twice as much love back to you as you give out. I don’t deserve you.
So it turns out that in the end we were all breaking hearts, and now we’ve all ended up with broken hearts. We couldn’t make things right, so instead we’ll all just sleep alone tonight.
If only love could have found us all!
Epilogue.
Nikolai’s POV
So Julian left, and so did the love that we all once shared. The band went downhill. The chemistry had gone. Albert and Fab never really did find out what went wrong, but I think they secretly knew. They knew that there was more to us than met the eye, something so deep that they could never fully comprehend it. A love triangle, tainted with lust, that was never resolved.
THE END!