Mechanical Michelangelo part 39
Sorry it's taken me so long to get this part out...major writer's block kicked in, I had what looked like a photograph of this chapter in my brain but i couldn't get it to move on the page--argh! I had to fight my way out of it;-)THIRTY NINE Blank
Brian ushered Justin and Jennifer through the doors and away from flashing cameras, he shut the door behind them when all he wanted to do was turn around and thump the closest person with a flash.
Fucking reporters…
The ride in the elevator was a long one and Brian could feel the tension radiating from Jen, he refused to rise to it. Justin had chosen where he wanted to be and she would just have to deal with that.
Justin headed straight for the bathroom, walking stiffly through Brian’s bedroom. Jennifer made to follow him but Brian caught her arm. “Leave him.”
She shrugged him off and glared. “He’s my son, I have to see if he’s OK.”
“He doesn’t need to help him take a piss.”
“You should have persuaded him to come home, it’s what he needs, to be surrounded by his family.”
“I think you’re wrong, I think he needs space, he needs to sort things out for himself without people crowding him.” He had an image of Jen in a white coat, clip board in hand, noting down every move Justin made, including taking a piss.
“What hold do you have over him, Brian? When he was seventeen, even now he prefers to be with you than his own mother.”
“You’re sounding like a jealous wife. You’re his mother, Jen, and you’re expecting too much. He’s took a fucking bat to the head, let him be, let him be wherever he wants to be.” He refused to join in the tug of war Jen was so intent on starting.
He heard the toilet flush and Justin walked back out into the living room, hovering uncomfortably.
Justin wished his friends hadn’t left already, they were great buffers, great in the time of need, great for hiding behind, but he understood why they’d left before he came out of the hospital, they wanted him to have peace and quiet and they didn’t want to get too used to luxuries they would have to do without as soon as they returned to New York.
He wanted his mother to leave, yet he didn’t want to be alone with Brian. He felt so lost.
“Do you want me to make you anything to eat, sweetie?” Jen asked as she saw him.
Justin shook his head slowly, “No thanks, I’m pretty beat.”
“Why don’t you get some sleep while I do some work, I’ll order takeout when you wake up.” Justin smiled gratefully and turned back to Brian’s bedroom, stripping down to his boxers and getting under the sheets, letting the luxurious material send him into a world of nightmares.
***
Brian minimised his email account and stood restlessly. The loft was so quiet, and he’d turned the overhead lights off so not to disturb Justin. He wondered over to the TV and looked at the remote control, but couldn’t bring himself to switch it on. He found himself walking towards his bedroom, his mind telling him to stay away, to leave him alone to sleep, to heal, his feet paid them no heed, they only stopped until he had a good view of the blond.
He stood in the doorway Justin never bothered to closed and looked at his pale form as it twisted around the blackness of his sheets. He looked unreal lying there like that, his tattoos bleeding into the sheets making it look like he was getting swallowed by darkness.
The thought bothered Brian more than he would like. He took a step towards the bed, listening for Justin’s breathing. It had become a habit he’d picked up while Justin was in hospital, listening to his breath, watching his chest move in and out, physical proof that Justin was still alive.
Justin mumbled something in his sleep and flipped over, the sheets riding low on his hips, showing the swirl of light blond hair trailing from navel to groin. Brian felt his cock harden, disgusted at himself he moved away, deciding to order in pizza, hoping to tempt Justin into eating and distract his hard-on from the slumbering blond.
Justin woke when he smelled pizza and padded into the kitchen, clad in a long sleeved t-shirt and his boxers, Brian tried to remain immune, he shouldn’t be even thinking about fucking with what had happened to Justin.
“I ordered pizza.” Brian lifted up the box.
“Thanks, you didn’t have to though, whatever you wanted would be fine.”
“Maybe I wanted pizza.”
Justin laughed softly, “yeah, whatever.” He walked over to the sofa, still feeling tired and sluggish, curling up, his feet tucked beneath him, he called to Brian, “Is it OK if I turn the TV on?”
“You don’t have to ask.”
He let the TV flicker to life and flicked through the channels, finding nothing that interested him, but wanted something to keep him occupied, to stop the awkward quietness that had never happened between them before.
Brian picked up two bottles of water and placed them and the pizza on the coffee table in front of the sofa, sitting next to Justin, so close their shoulders brushed every time they moved to take a slice.
“What did you do to keep the gang away?” Justin asked, knowing it had to be something radical to keep Debbie from turning up with mountains of homemade pasta.
“I threatened them with castration.”
“I bet Deb was terrified.”
Brian turned to look at Justin, for the first time since he had picked him up at the hospital, he looked into clear blue eyes that hid a wealth of pain. He looked so young in his makeshift pyjamas, his baggy t-shirt pulled over his knees in a childlike fashion
“You have no idea.” It came out as a whisper, though it wasn’t meant to, it was as if his mind didn’t want his voice to interrupt them. With gentle fingers Brian traced Justin’s jaw; he only flinched a little before leaning into his touch. Brian turned his head sideways, fingers trailing upwards, circling Justin’s ear and tracing his hairline, finding the still pink scar, remnants of bat and operation.
Justin stayed utterly still as Brian touched him gently. His heart pounded in his chest, fear, desire, hope, despair, Justin wasn’t sure why. He loved and loathed the touch at the same time. It was Brian, he always wanted to be connected with him in some way, but he couldn’t let go of the sickness creeping into his gut.
His head was telling him not to let anyone close, that whenever he did he always got hurt; his first attempt at a relationship with Brian, his phone call to his father, the first time with a trick, the ‘real’ first time, and then Chris Hobbs.
One bash to the head had taken more than his hand, it had taken his memories, memories that were so important to him and Brian, pinnacle to their relationship, it was Brian showing him with actions how much he cared and now he couldn’t remember.
Instead of something good the memory had been replaced by fear and his confused body didn’t realise that Brian wasn’t a threat. He leaned forward, against all the protests screaming in his head he pressed his dry, shaking lips to Brian’s.
He had to do this, he couldn’t take been afraid of Brian, afraid of intimacy with the man that had given him more pleasure than anyone else.
Brian cradled Justin’s precious skull in his hand, letting the blond kiss him almost frantically. Justin clutched Brian’s shirt, pulling the other man closer to him. His eyes were closed, his brow furrowed as he tried to will pleasure into the kiss.
Brian pulled away. “We don’t have to do this.”
Justin opened his eyes, glistening blue pools of pain, “I have to make this feeling go away.” His hands were still clutched into the material of Brian’s shirt, his right hand jerked, a painful spasm starting in his fingertips before riding up to his shoulder. He pulled his other hand away from Brian and held his upper arm into his side, trying to stop the movement.
Brian placed his hand on top of Justin’s. “What feelings?”
“Fear,” Justin admitted, biting his lip, “fear of your touch. I hate that, Brian, I don’t want to fear you, make it go away.”
He shouldn’t, he knew that, knew he should leave Justin to heal both physically and mentally, but he was powerless to deny him. He wanted to sooth Justin’s fears and lose himself in the blond’s flesh, assure himself that he was still there, that the wooden bat hadn’t taken him.
Brian leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Justin’s hairline, feeling the raised pink line beneath his lips. He kissed the frown lines from his forehead and the frowns from the corner of his lips before his mouth hovered over Justin’s, slowly descending until they touched, unmoving for what seemed like eternity.
He deepened the kiss, moving so slowly it was if they were in slow motion. Justin put his left hand around Brian’s neck for balance as he let the older man take control of the kiss. It was passionate, deep and searching, yet slow and tender, all the things a kiss should be, all the things he’d always wanted from Brian-before.
Brian pulled away when lack of air became a problem, he looked into Justin’s pale face and noticed his kiss swollen lips, the way his breathing was coming out in small gasps. It took him a while to decide if it was a panic attack or desire, but Justin pulled his t-shirt over his head and Brian pushed his worries to the back of his mind.
Justin watched as Brian’s hands moved towards him and he willed his body not to flinch as hot fingertips scorched his chest, followed a path of vines around his nipple and hardening it to a peak.
He thought back to the first night they’d met, the first time they’d fucked, his eyes drinking in the sight of a naked Brian, his body lean, butt pale from his tan line adding to the attraction.
He pulled at Brian’s shirt, knowing he couldn’t undo the buttons himself, not without killing the mood completely. “Take it off.” Brian stood and stripped off completely, he held his hand out to Justin and waited.
Justin sucked in a deep breath and put his weak hand in Brian’s. The sentiment wasn’t lost on him. He led Justin back to bed, the sheets still rumpled from Justin’s nap.
They climbed onto the bed side by side, both silent they scooted closer to each other, until they were close enough to feel each other’s breath. Justin leaned in close, bypassing Brian’s mouth and kissing his strong jaw, licking a strip from chin to ear, loving the feel of stubble against his tongue.
He could do this. He relaxed into Brian, leaning on his good hand while his bad one lay uselessly in his lap. He used his tongue as a paintbrush, creating art on his very own canvas.
He loved how Brian tasted, a faint hint of cigarettes and danger, he tasted different with every mood, and right now Justin could tell how much he was holding back, how much he wanted this to be good for him.
He leaned back on the bed and waited as Brian crawled over him. Brian’s hand felt red hot as it lay on his hip, as it reached for his cock. Justin gasped as Brian grasped him in his palm.
He jerked him at the same pace he’d kissed him earlier, torturously slow, Justin couldn’t stop his hips lifting off the sheets. Brian chuckled softly and leaned down to kiss him.
He settled between Justin’s legs and Justin automatically hooked his legs around Brian’s waist, groaning as Brian tightened his hold on his cock. He wanted to close his eyes and lose himself in the sensations, but he didn’t dare, he didn’t like what came out of the darkness. Instead he concentrated on Brian above him, watched the emotions flitter across his face, the beads of sweat caress his hairline lovingly.
He let go of Justin’s cock and reached for a condom and a small tube of lubrication, flipping the lid open he squirted some over his fingers and trailed them underneath Justin’s balls and into the crack of his ass until he felt the slight dip of his hole.
Justin held his breath as Brian’s fingers circled his anus before slipping a digit inside. He hissed as a finger breached the muscle but he couldn’t stop himself from tensing. He trained his eyes on Brian’s face so he knew who it was, knew it was Brian touching him like this. Brian ripped open the foil with his teeth and rolled the condom onto his erection.
Justin tensed as Brian leaned forward and dipped his hips, cock looking for Justin’s loosened hole. The tip of him pushed into Justin and suddenly it didn’t matter what his eyes were seeing, didn’t matter that it was Brian, his mind and body cried out in protest.
He dropped his legs from Brian’s hips and used his heals to scoot up the bed. Brian looked up, shock on his face. “Justin…?”
“No,” Justin wheezed, eyes wild, filling with angry tears, anger at himself for feeling violated as Brian tried to make love to him. And this was lovemaking. Never had anyone been so loving, so tender and so thorough. Maybe he only knew how to take violence now. “I can’t.” His breath came in short spurts. “Get…off…me.” He pushed at Brian’s shoulders until he rolled off him.
“Justin…”
“Fuck,” Justin tried to calm his breathing but couldn’t help it, he wanted Brian so much, but he just couldn’t do it. “Fuck!”
“It’s OK.”
“It’s not OK.” It would never be OK. “I want you Brian, I don’t know I’m like this…”
Brian placed a hand on his arm and Justin was too upset to flinch. “There’s no rush.” Brian gently eased himself next to Justin, his erection failing fast, he pulled the younger man into his arms and was glad he allowed the comfort.
Justin stayed in Brian’s arms until his breathing got under control, then he pulled himself out and hunted for a pair of sweats to cover his nakedness. Brian sighed and did the same, not wanting to make Justin uncomfortable.
“Do you want me to call Cam?” Brian asked, shocked at himself for even suggesting it.
Justin’s eyes widened slightly, surprised at Brian’s offer. His heart ached at the mention of Cam and his eyes filled with tears. He felt like a child who’d had a bad scare and wanted to lie in the comfort of his mother’s arms.
Cam had been mother, father, friend, lover to him; it was he who usually helped him with things got rough. He nodded at Brian and tried to keep the tears at bay.
Brian ushered Justin and Jennifer through the doors and away from flashing cameras, he shut the door behind them when all he wanted to do was turn around and thump the closest person with a flash.
Fucking reporters…
The ride in the elevator was a long one and Brian could feel the tension radiating from Jen, he refused to rise to it. Justin had chosen where he wanted to be and she would just have to deal with that.
Justin headed straight for the bathroom, walking stiffly through Brian’s bedroom. Jennifer made to follow him but Brian caught her arm. “Leave him.”
She shrugged him off and glared. “He’s my son, I have to see if he’s OK.”
“He doesn’t need to help him take a piss.”
“You should have persuaded him to come home, it’s what he needs, to be surrounded by his family.”
“I think you’re wrong, I think he needs space, he needs to sort things out for himself without people crowding him.” He had an image of Jen in a white coat, clip board in hand, noting down every move Justin made, including taking a piss.
“What hold do you have over him, Brian? When he was seventeen, even now he prefers to be with you than his own mother.”
“You’re sounding like a jealous wife. You’re his mother, Jen, and you’re expecting too much. He’s took a fucking bat to the head, let him be, let him be wherever he wants to be.” He refused to join in the tug of war Jen was so intent on starting.
He heard the toilet flush and Justin walked back out into the living room, hovering uncomfortably.
Justin wished his friends hadn’t left already, they were great buffers, great in the time of need, great for hiding behind, but he understood why they’d left before he came out of the hospital, they wanted him to have peace and quiet and they didn’t want to get too used to luxuries they would have to do without as soon as they returned to New York.
He wanted his mother to leave, yet he didn’t want to be alone with Brian. He felt so lost.
“Do you want me to make you anything to eat, sweetie?” Jen asked as she saw him.
Justin shook his head slowly, “No thanks, I’m pretty beat.”
“Why don’t you get some sleep while I do some work, I’ll order takeout when you wake up.” Justin smiled gratefully and turned back to Brian’s bedroom, stripping down to his boxers and getting under the sheets, letting the luxurious material send him into a world of nightmares.
***
Brian minimised his email account and stood restlessly. The loft was so quiet, and he’d turned the overhead lights off so not to disturb Justin. He wondered over to the TV and looked at the remote control, but couldn’t bring himself to switch it on. He found himself walking towards his bedroom, his mind telling him to stay away, to leave him alone to sleep, to heal, his feet paid them no heed, they only stopped until he had a good view of the blond.
He stood in the doorway Justin never bothered to closed and looked at his pale form as it twisted around the blackness of his sheets. He looked unreal lying there like that, his tattoos bleeding into the sheets making it look like he was getting swallowed by darkness.
The thought bothered Brian more than he would like. He took a step towards the bed, listening for Justin’s breathing. It had become a habit he’d picked up while Justin was in hospital, listening to his breath, watching his chest move in and out, physical proof that Justin was still alive.
Justin mumbled something in his sleep and flipped over, the sheets riding low on his hips, showing the swirl of light blond hair trailing from navel to groin. Brian felt his cock harden, disgusted at himself he moved away, deciding to order in pizza, hoping to tempt Justin into eating and distract his hard-on from the slumbering blond.
Justin woke when he smelled pizza and padded into the kitchen, clad in a long sleeved t-shirt and his boxers, Brian tried to remain immune, he shouldn’t be even thinking about fucking with what had happened to Justin.
“I ordered pizza.” Brian lifted up the box.
“Thanks, you didn’t have to though, whatever you wanted would be fine.”
“Maybe I wanted pizza.”
Justin laughed softly, “yeah, whatever.” He walked over to the sofa, still feeling tired and sluggish, curling up, his feet tucked beneath him, he called to Brian, “Is it OK if I turn the TV on?”
“You don’t have to ask.”
He let the TV flicker to life and flicked through the channels, finding nothing that interested him, but wanted something to keep him occupied, to stop the awkward quietness that had never happened between them before.
Brian picked up two bottles of water and placed them and the pizza on the coffee table in front of the sofa, sitting next to Justin, so close their shoulders brushed every time they moved to take a slice.
“What did you do to keep the gang away?” Justin asked, knowing it had to be something radical to keep Debbie from turning up with mountains of homemade pasta.
“I threatened them with castration.”
“I bet Deb was terrified.”
Brian turned to look at Justin, for the first time since he had picked him up at the hospital, he looked into clear blue eyes that hid a wealth of pain. He looked so young in his makeshift pyjamas, his baggy t-shirt pulled over his knees in a childlike fashion
“You have no idea.” It came out as a whisper, though it wasn’t meant to, it was as if his mind didn’t want his voice to interrupt them. With gentle fingers Brian traced Justin’s jaw; he only flinched a little before leaning into his touch. Brian turned his head sideways, fingers trailing upwards, circling Justin’s ear and tracing his hairline, finding the still pink scar, remnants of bat and operation.
Justin stayed utterly still as Brian touched him gently. His heart pounded in his chest, fear, desire, hope, despair, Justin wasn’t sure why. He loved and loathed the touch at the same time. It was Brian, he always wanted to be connected with him in some way, but he couldn’t let go of the sickness creeping into his gut.
His head was telling him not to let anyone close, that whenever he did he always got hurt; his first attempt at a relationship with Brian, his phone call to his father, the first time with a trick, the ‘real’ first time, and then Chris Hobbs.
One bash to the head had taken more than his hand, it had taken his memories, memories that were so important to him and Brian, pinnacle to their relationship, it was Brian showing him with actions how much he cared and now he couldn’t remember.
Instead of something good the memory had been replaced by fear and his confused body didn’t realise that Brian wasn’t a threat. He leaned forward, against all the protests screaming in his head he pressed his dry, shaking lips to Brian’s.
He had to do this, he couldn’t take been afraid of Brian, afraid of intimacy with the man that had given him more pleasure than anyone else.
Brian cradled Justin’s precious skull in his hand, letting the blond kiss him almost frantically. Justin clutched Brian’s shirt, pulling the other man closer to him. His eyes were closed, his brow furrowed as he tried to will pleasure into the kiss.
Brian pulled away. “We don’t have to do this.”
Justin opened his eyes, glistening blue pools of pain, “I have to make this feeling go away.” His hands were still clutched into the material of Brian’s shirt, his right hand jerked, a painful spasm starting in his fingertips before riding up to his shoulder. He pulled his other hand away from Brian and held his upper arm into his side, trying to stop the movement.
Brian placed his hand on top of Justin’s. “What feelings?”
“Fear,” Justin admitted, biting his lip, “fear of your touch. I hate that, Brian, I don’t want to fear you, make it go away.”
He shouldn’t, he knew that, knew he should leave Justin to heal both physically and mentally, but he was powerless to deny him. He wanted to sooth Justin’s fears and lose himself in the blond’s flesh, assure himself that he was still there, that the wooden bat hadn’t taken him.
Brian leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Justin’s hairline, feeling the raised pink line beneath his lips. He kissed the frown lines from his forehead and the frowns from the corner of his lips before his mouth hovered over Justin’s, slowly descending until they touched, unmoving for what seemed like eternity.
He deepened the kiss, moving so slowly it was if they were in slow motion. Justin put his left hand around Brian’s neck for balance as he let the older man take control of the kiss. It was passionate, deep and searching, yet slow and tender, all the things a kiss should be, all the things he’d always wanted from Brian-before.
Brian pulled away when lack of air became a problem, he looked into Justin’s pale face and noticed his kiss swollen lips, the way his breathing was coming out in small gasps. It took him a while to decide if it was a panic attack or desire, but Justin pulled his t-shirt over his head and Brian pushed his worries to the back of his mind.
Justin watched as Brian’s hands moved towards him and he willed his body not to flinch as hot fingertips scorched his chest, followed a path of vines around his nipple and hardening it to a peak.
He thought back to the first night they’d met, the first time they’d fucked, his eyes drinking in the sight of a naked Brian, his body lean, butt pale from his tan line adding to the attraction.
He pulled at Brian’s shirt, knowing he couldn’t undo the buttons himself, not without killing the mood completely. “Take it off.” Brian stood and stripped off completely, he held his hand out to Justin and waited.
Justin sucked in a deep breath and put his weak hand in Brian’s. The sentiment wasn’t lost on him. He led Justin back to bed, the sheets still rumpled from Justin’s nap.
They climbed onto the bed side by side, both silent they scooted closer to each other, until they were close enough to feel each other’s breath. Justin leaned in close, bypassing Brian’s mouth and kissing his strong jaw, licking a strip from chin to ear, loving the feel of stubble against his tongue.
He could do this. He relaxed into Brian, leaning on his good hand while his bad one lay uselessly in his lap. He used his tongue as a paintbrush, creating art on his very own canvas.
He loved how Brian tasted, a faint hint of cigarettes and danger, he tasted different with every mood, and right now Justin could tell how much he was holding back, how much he wanted this to be good for him.
He leaned back on the bed and waited as Brian crawled over him. Brian’s hand felt red hot as it lay on his hip, as it reached for his cock. Justin gasped as Brian grasped him in his palm.
He jerked him at the same pace he’d kissed him earlier, torturously slow, Justin couldn’t stop his hips lifting off the sheets. Brian chuckled softly and leaned down to kiss him.
He settled between Justin’s legs and Justin automatically hooked his legs around Brian’s waist, groaning as Brian tightened his hold on his cock. He wanted to close his eyes and lose himself in the sensations, but he didn’t dare, he didn’t like what came out of the darkness. Instead he concentrated on Brian above him, watched the emotions flitter across his face, the beads of sweat caress his hairline lovingly.
He let go of Justin’s cock and reached for a condom and a small tube of lubrication, flipping the lid open he squirted some over his fingers and trailed them underneath Justin’s balls and into the crack of his ass until he felt the slight dip of his hole.
Justin held his breath as Brian’s fingers circled his anus before slipping a digit inside. He hissed as a finger breached the muscle but he couldn’t stop himself from tensing. He trained his eyes on Brian’s face so he knew who it was, knew it was Brian touching him like this. Brian ripped open the foil with his teeth and rolled the condom onto his erection.
Justin tensed as Brian leaned forward and dipped his hips, cock looking for Justin’s loosened hole. The tip of him pushed into Justin and suddenly it didn’t matter what his eyes were seeing, didn’t matter that it was Brian, his mind and body cried out in protest.
He dropped his legs from Brian’s hips and used his heals to scoot up the bed. Brian looked up, shock on his face. “Justin…?”
“No,” Justin wheezed, eyes wild, filling with angry tears, anger at himself for feeling violated as Brian tried to make love to him. And this was lovemaking. Never had anyone been so loving, so tender and so thorough. Maybe he only knew how to take violence now. “I can’t.” His breath came in short spurts. “Get…off…me.” He pushed at Brian’s shoulders until he rolled off him.
“Justin…”
“Fuck,” Justin tried to calm his breathing but couldn’t help it, he wanted Brian so much, but he just couldn’t do it. “Fuck!”
“It’s OK.”
“It’s not OK.” It would never be OK. “I want you Brian, I don’t know I’m like this…”
Brian placed a hand on his arm and Justin was too upset to flinch. “There’s no rush.” Brian gently eased himself next to Justin, his erection failing fast, he pulled the younger man into his arms and was glad he allowed the comfort.
Justin stayed in Brian’s arms until his breathing got under control, then he pulled himself out and hunted for a pair of sweats to cover his nakedness. Brian sighed and did the same, not wanting to make Justin uncomfortable.
“Do you want me to call Cam?” Brian asked, shocked at himself for even suggesting it.
Justin’s eyes widened slightly, surprised at Brian’s offer. His heart ached at the mention of Cam and his eyes filled with tears. He felt like a child who’d had a bad scare and wanted to lie in the comfort of his mother’s arms.
Cam had been mother, father, friend, lover to him; it was he who usually helped him with things got rough. He nodded at Brian and tried to keep the tears at bay.