(Untitled)

[mojo_grande]

i went to my grandparents house this evening and i brought my journal with me. after an hour of boredom, i found myself tracking my thoughts. i guess its considered a poem. let me know what you think, i didnt really put much thought into it but whatever.

Comments

[mojo_grande]

i reread what i wrote. i like it much better with these changes to the enjambment.

beads of rain
battering the roof like
fists bruising pale skin. warm and dry
interior with stray pillows
in every corner.
dinner table dressed
to kill. blood red plates. cooked roadkill. sharp
knives and gleaming forks.
the scent of food
efflorating throughout the house. loud voices booming
like thunder. grandpa's deep belly laugh. haunting

[xliftmeupx]

i'm going to be totally honest with you, so stop reading if you think you may take offense. i am only trying to help:

it seems so....idk what word i'm lookign for. maybe plain. there doesn't seem to be any real emotion. you are adding drama to what you see around you. the is no feeling, emotion, love, hurt. and taht's hwat poetry is to me: emotion and feeling. but everyone has their view of things. according to my sytle, it was ok. someone else may see it as really good.

please don't be mad at me if you disagree. i just think the truth is better than lying. i would rather be told something of mine is bad than lied to and said it's wondersul. so i use honesty when judging all other people's work. again, please don't be mad:just wasn't really the sytle of poetry i like. didn't go naything for me. sorry :(

[mojo_grande]

honesty is good. but i disagree...i just dont think you understand the poem. its about murder...something that is very powerful and full of emotion. i did change the poem a little since last night, and it is clearer that it is about murder. the version here is a bit vague.

[easier_to_runx]

I already told you what I thought of the poem :)

But, put the title on the poem, it will make people understand it a bit more.

Woot woot

-Jen