self doubt

[mokie_sassafras]

I've been thinking lately, how could I avoid something like this happening again. How can I avoid getting involved with an abusive, controlling person. Everything seemed pretty good for the first 7 months (until we moved in together) and even a little while after that. There were red flags, but he explained them away. And at that point, his

Comments

[make_your_move]

Have you read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker - he spent years growing up in an abusive situation, which he then honed into reading body language, verbiage and a few other things. I think in might give you that "pre-qualifying" roadmap/test you're looking for. Even if it doesn't, I'm sure it will gain you some insights.

I'm sorry you went through that.

[mokie_sassafras]

Thanks. I just picked that up, it looks useful. I remember, even early on, getting this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was "off", even if I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, but I rationalized everything away.

[loree]

Ask to talk to their recent exes without them involved beyond the introduction. If they don't want you to, run - they have something to hide. If they claim all their exes are crazy/toxic/assholes, run - what's (read: who's) the only common denominator in each of those relationships? And if there's a red flag and they turn on the charm to explain it away? RUN. You know your history, and anybody who won't understand your need to be cautious is someone you don't need. Serial abusers are always charming at first - if they weren't, they would never get any victims.

[mokie_sassafras]

very good advice, thank you. I'd talked to 2 of his most recent girlfriends, but not alone, or with specific intent.

[raincitylady]

My ex-husband was abusive. Now any time a man reminds me of him I run away as fast as I can.

Also, I strongly second the recommendation of "The Gift of Fear."