Hey ya’ll, it’s been quite awhile!
So… remember THIS GUY?
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, HE’S BACK.
He came to us again some point in 2010 because he got sick in China or something, I don’t really care. So he had to get his ass flown home so we could host his coughing, shedding, sniffling, immensely unappealing self to health. Then when he recovered, he went back to China.
Fast forward to last Friday, around 7:30 in the morning, the most unreasonable hour God has created. The phone rings and a gentleman announces himself as an employee at the US Embassy in Shanghai.
Wat.
In his words (supplemented by the truth) this is what happened. 2 weeks ago Phil was let go from his teaching job because he was ‘overconfident’ (He was fucking fired for being a goddam drunk and coming into school shitwrecked, and spent 2 weeks nutting up to ask the one person who could bail him out to do so.) Long, painful story short, the parental units forked over $1100 for a plane ticket to Boston from Shanghai, and $300 cash to get him from whatever shitty town he was in *to* Shanghai.
52 hours of traveling later (which I don’t give a shit about) he was back. Here. In our home.
Saturday: Rearranged my room to accommodate all the dry goods I could fit in here. The man is a friggin black hole that consumes nothing but soup, sandwiches, and happiness. My mom cried a couple of times. He sits in the living room all day lamenting over how rough his life is. Fuck you.
Sunday: I was thrilled to go into work because it meant getting out of my room. That night, he was preparing to go to an AA meeting (not by choice, David is making him go) and he’s taking FOREVER. And doing what? PREENING. He’s making sure he’s all swanky and styling…for his ALCHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETING. Mom calls him out on his bullshit and throws his ass out the door. “You’re not going there to impress anyone!” she hollers. Nice.
Monday: I convince Michele to come with and pick up tons of Chinese food after work. I do this on purpose, to fill the house with good-smelling food (a LOT of it) and make him watch us enjoy it and leave vast amounts of leftovers. It works, as I hear him ask David later that night if he could eat what was in the fridge. Haha, of course you can’t. Here, have another sammich.
Tuesday: HOLY SHIT IS THERE REALLY ANOTHER WEEK OF THIS?! He has a loud, obnoxious phone call with one of his friends in which he glamorizes what happened to him “I’m back in the States. Yeah, I was getting tired of it all, man, I just needed to get out of there.” No. You need to get out of HERE.
Then he starts talking all about the beautiful women in China. Gross. This guys cares about nothing but appearance. He’s fucking delusional and makes me want to puke every single time he talks about hot women and how he’s the shit with them. I contemplate dumpster diving behind the Korean Nail salon and wrapping him up with discarded, hairy, wax strips while he sleeps for an appropriately hilarious death.
David calls to ask him to go out back and help carry groceries up. I time him. It takes him a good 80 seconds before he even steps out the door. Because he was dressing up. STOP THIS!
As he’s about to leave for his meeting that night, he whines about how far and cold the walk is going to be. It’s a 15 minute walk at best, you pussy, and you have a jacket. He continues to whine in the hopes of getting a ride. He does not succeed. I hope he slips intoa snowbank and freezes and needs his face amputated.
Wednesday: I wake up to silence. He went to the library to use their interwebz THANK GOD. No way he's putting his greasy paws on any of our computers. David and I chat and I make many mean comments about his brother. He tries to tone it down, but I point out that while he gets to bitch his bro out to his face, we can’t do that. Our only option is to do it behind his back, so deal with it. Phil comes back and they immediately start loudly cussing at each other. Life is good.
He’s been drinking 8 cans of soda a day, and eating nothing but sandwiches and soup until he got cut off at 3 cans a day. Srsly. He also received strict warnings against even looking at the honey turkey deli meat, the bagels, multi-grain Cheerios and chocolate ice cream. THEYS BELONG TO ME, HOR.
For the first time ever, I’m glad to be behind this desk at work. Expect more updates as shenanigans happen. And they will!
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, HE’S BACK.
He came to us again some point in 2010 because he got sick in China or something, I don’t really care. So he had to get his ass flown home so we could host his coughing, shedding, sniffling, immensely unappealing self to health. Then when he recovered, he went back to China.
Fast forward to last Friday, around 7:30 in the morning, the most unreasonable hour God has created. The phone rings and a gentleman announces himself as an employee at the US Embassy in Shanghai.
Wat.
In his words (supplemented by the truth) this is what happened. 2 weeks ago Phil was let go from his teaching job because he was ‘overconfident’ (He was fucking fired for being a goddam drunk and coming into school shitwrecked, and spent 2 weeks nutting up to ask the one person who could bail him out to do so.) Long, painful story short, the parental units forked over $1100 for a plane ticket to Boston from Shanghai, and $300 cash to get him from whatever shitty town he was in *to* Shanghai.
52 hours of traveling later (which I don’t give a shit about) he was back. Here. In our home.
Saturday: Rearranged my room to accommodate all the dry goods I could fit in here. The man is a friggin black hole that consumes nothing but soup, sandwiches, and happiness. My mom cried a couple of times. He sits in the living room all day lamenting over how rough his life is. Fuck you.
Sunday: I was thrilled to go into work because it meant getting out of my room. That night, he was preparing to go to an AA meeting (not by choice, David is making him go) and he’s taking FOREVER. And doing what? PREENING. He’s making sure he’s all swanky and styling…for his ALCHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETING. Mom calls him out on his bullshit and throws his ass out the door. “You’re not going there to impress anyone!” she hollers. Nice.
Monday: I convince Michele to come with and pick up tons of Chinese food after work. I do this on purpose, to fill the house with good-smelling food (a LOT of it) and make him watch us enjoy it and leave vast amounts of leftovers. It works, as I hear him ask David later that night if he could eat what was in the fridge. Haha, of course you can’t. Here, have another sammich.
Tuesday: HOLY SHIT IS THERE REALLY ANOTHER WEEK OF THIS?! He has a loud, obnoxious phone call with one of his friends in which he glamorizes what happened to him “I’m back in the States. Yeah, I was getting tired of it all, man, I just needed to get out of there.” No. You need to get out of HERE.
Then he starts talking all about the beautiful women in China. Gross. This guys cares about nothing but appearance. He’s fucking delusional and makes me want to puke every single time he talks about hot women and how he’s the shit with them. I contemplate dumpster diving behind the Korean Nail salon and wrapping him up with discarded, hairy, wax strips while he sleeps for an appropriately hilarious death.
David calls to ask him to go out back and help carry groceries up. I time him. It takes him a good 80 seconds before he even steps out the door. Because he was dressing up. STOP THIS!
As he’s about to leave for his meeting that night, he whines about how far and cold the walk is going to be. It’s a 15 minute walk at best, you pussy, and you have a jacket. He continues to whine in the hopes of getting a ride. He does not succeed. I hope he slips intoa snowbank and freezes and needs his face amputated.
Wednesday: I wake up to silence. He went to the library to use their interwebz THANK GOD. No way he's putting his greasy paws on any of our computers. David and I chat and I make many mean comments about his brother. He tries to tone it down, but I point out that while he gets to bitch his bro out to his face, we can’t do that. Our only option is to do it behind his back, so deal with it. Phil comes back and they immediately start loudly cussing at each other. Life is good.
He’s been drinking 8 cans of soda a day, and eating nothing but sandwiches and soup until he got cut off at 3 cans a day. Srsly. He also received strict warnings against even looking at the honey turkey deli meat, the bagels, multi-grain Cheerios and chocolate ice cream. THEYS BELONG TO ME, HOR.
For the first time ever, I’m glad to be behind this desk at work. Expect more updates as shenanigans happen. And they will!