Pride (9/10)
Title: Pride
Author: Moko
Pairing: Ohmiya, Sakumoto, Yama, Matsumiya
Rating: R-ish, for violence
Genre: Romance, drama
Disclaimer: They're not mine...
Summary: When Ohno Satoshi got a new job, he knew he would have to face his past again, but what he didn't expect was to be helped by the most unexpected person...
Previous chapters
Chapter 9:
I freaked out. I know it.
I must have looked like a little scaredy-cat to him, but I really couldn’t. When I felt his fingers against my skin, my whole body was like… Screaming… I tried to hide it, but I probably failed.
I mean… This guy… Ninomiya, I just don’t know him! A few weeks ago he was shoving me against the wall, shouting that he was going to hit me, then he promised to protect me and now… Well… I don’t know.
Somehow, I want to trust him. I want to believe what he says and does is not just an act to make fool of me. When we were talking in that restaurant, I felt at ease. It seemed like he could understand me. The problem is, I really have no idea of what’s going on inside of his head, and that’s scaring me. I’m not ready to experience this again. Not that I’ll ever be…
This week was exhausting. Next morning, when I arrive, I just can’t wait for the day to be over and spend the weekend sleeping or painting or fishing all on my own, away from all this.
We have shootings again. There are a few more next week, but nothing much compared to what we had to deal with these past few days.
Jun is already there when I come in. He seems to be in a sort of trance, looking around him without really seeing anyone. I frown, getting closer to him. I’m not very close to Jun but I know him enough to be sure he’s not in his usual state.
I wave my hand in front of his face and his eyes finally focus. He gives me a slightly annoyed look and I can’t help but backing away. Maybe I shouldn’t have…
“Are you okay?” I ask hesitantly, because he just looks like he doesn’t want to talk to anyone at the moment.
He closes his eyes for a second, and when he opens it again, his expression turned lost and tired.
“Sorry” he says. “I just… I need some painkillers…”
He takes the side of his head in his hands and I understand immediately what’s going on.
“Hangover?”
He winces. I stop a staff member to ask him to get some painkillers for me. I don’t know where to find any in here. There must be a nursery somewhere…
“Did you drink last night?” I ask, even though it’s a really stupid question.
He doesn’t even need to answer, just seeing the face he makes is enough. He lets out a really deep sigh, then drops his arm to his side.
“Is it forbidden?” he asks on a bitter tone.
I know it wasn’t the best thing to say, but well… He really doesn’t look fine and it makes me worried.
“No, it’s just… Is it… Because of Sho?”
Another sigh. We talked about it last time, right? He said Sho wouldn’t be with him for now… I guess this situation is making them suffer both as much. I wonder why Sho keeps trying to punish himself the wrong way.
Jun drops his head, then closes his eyes tightly. People around us are all busy getting the set ready for the shooting and I’m supposed to check outfits and prepare the next ones, but right now, it’s not really possible.
“He won’t talk to me…”
He bites his lips with a frown. I can clearly see he’s just about to give up on everything at the moment.
“He won’t let me approach, he won’t answer my calls, I don’t know what to do…”
I make a little step closer to him. It’s the first time for me to see someone suffering because of… All this crap. I don’t really know how to behave but I know the only person who can do something about it is me.
“Jun… I’m sorry… I’ll talk to him…”
“Don’t!” he cuts me off, lifting his head up to look at me. “That’s not… I’m not asking you to do anything!”
I don’t look away. Jun’s aura can be frightening sometimes, but right now he needs more help than anything.
I hesitantly move my hand toward him, slowly. Then, after a short silence, I wrap my fingers around his wrist, trying to make him understand…
“No, you’re not… But I have to.”
“You don’t h-“
“Yes, I do…” My voice is slightly trembling and I realize myself the truth as I say it. “Sho will listen if it comes from me… You know it.”
He grabs his bangs falling in front of his eyes to take them off of his face with another deep sigh.
“We need to move on…” I whisper mostly to myself than to him, but he hears it and nods.
I’m going to do this for real, this time. There’s no escape anymore.
Around eleven, we get started on the last part of this shooting and my job here is done, except from checking the photos, something I can do later. I let Aiba know that I’m leaving, promising I’ll be back in time for the afternoon work we have to get done, and he just nods. Jun sees me leaving, but he doesn’t move from the set since he’s posing.
I walk quickly to Sho’s office, in which I’m completely sure he is. Since I’ve been kind of avoiding him lately, it feels like a lot of time since we last saw each other… And my heart is beating faster into my chest…
When I arrive in front of the door, I immediately go in without even knocking. I know that if I wait, I’ll be too scared… And I can’t afford it.
He’s here, sitting at his desk, his elbows on the table, his face in his hands. His laptop is opened in front of him and there are documents scattered around it, showing he was in the middle of working. He doesn’t even seem to notice when I come in. I slowly close the door, trying to be as silent as possible, but he hears it and that’s when he looks up…
“Satoshi-kun…” he mutters with a tired voice.
He doesn’t look quite in his usual state either, but at least he’s better at hiding it. Somehow, I don’t know why, but it gives me courage.
“Why are you here?” he asks, darting his eyes away from me, and right now I can’t help but wonder who is the most scared out of the both of us.
“I…” I try to get closer to the desk but it’s hard, though I make a few steps forward, very slowly. “Why are you hurting yourself so much?”
“What do you mean?” he answers with an acerb face.
“What’s holding you back…?”
There’s a minute of silence. This time, he doesn’t try to act innocent. He knows why I’m here and I wish he was courageous enough to face the truth, as I wish I was.
He tilts his head to the side, closing his eyes tightly, then opens it again, but he still doesn’t look at me.
“You know what it is…”
“I don’t. You’re only making things difficult…”
He suddenly gets up from his chair, turning his back on me, facing the window with crossed arms. I’m trying hard to keep my resignation from weakening…
“I’m trying to figure things out!”
This time he’s not muttering. He’s speaking loud and clear.
“What things? You’re just trying to protect yourself by making other people suffer…”
This came out of my mouth before I could hold it back. I really didn’t mean to. Sho turns round a bit abruptly and I can read anger on his face. I’m trying really hard to stay strong, but it’s getting more and more difficult.
He slowly walks closer to me.
“What do you know about all this? About my feelings? About what I’m trying to protect, about what it takes? Do you think I’m just a selfish idiot who can’t get over his traumas? There is a lot more to it!”
It’s here, the fear. I feel it growing inside of me, as if it had been waiting from the beginning. He’s just a meter away, now. I can’t even think straight…
“All I know is that you’re not protecting anyone, right now… You’re just too scared to face the truth…”
“What truth are you talking about?!” he yells, making me start. “Do you think you’re the only one who suffered in all this?! Do you think it gives you the right to tell me what I can and can’t do?!”
That’s exactly what I feared. For him to loose his temper. Considering how tensed things have been for everyone lately, it doesn’t surprise me but… What the hell have I done?
“Since I’m the one you sent to hospital, I just thought I could have my word to say” I mumble, too intimidated to talk loud enough. I think it’s probably what makes him angrier.
“You don’t…!”
He suddenly grabs my shoulder and shoves me against the wall. It’s not violent, he doesn’t hurt me, but… But… I’m petrified.
Images come back into my mind and I can’t breathe anymore.
“Do you think what happened didn’t leave a mark on me too?! Do you have any idea of what it has been to live with all this shame and guilt overwhelming me with each step I take, not being able to look at my face in a mirror without feeling disgusted of myself? I’m sick of it already!!”
My chin is trembling and I’m staring at his face inches away from mine. It’s exactly the same expression as that night. When he came back home and I asked him if he was alright… I asked him if there was something wrong with me… If there was someone else, because yes, I did. And the fear… This overwhelming, sickening fear, its hands tightly wrapped around my throat, preventing me from breathing, from thinking, from moving… Tears are coming to my eyes, threatening to fall. I feel weak.
I try to say something, but I can’t… It’s just… It’s impossible… And Sho is too blinded with anger to notice, I guess, but it’s better this way.
He backs away slightly, taking his face in his hands again. But I can’t stand it.
I can’t stand being in his presence for another second. I feel a tear rolling down my cheek and it kind of enable me to move again. The first thing I do is running away. As far as possible from him.
All of this… It’s over… It’s been over for two years already, why can’t I get over it? The images of that night are still flooding in my mind, images I wished to forget long ago. When I get out of the office, I hurt myself to the wall, but I barely notice it, as long as I can get away. The only place I could possibly be in peace in is my own office… Tears are running down my face and somehow, I’m so ashamed of being so weak… It’s just… Pathetic.
After a minute, I’m finally alone, allowed to let out all these emotions. I want to kick the walls, to throw everything around, to yell, to cry, but I can’t do that… So I just stay standing in front of the window, watching the streets of Shinjuku down there, wiping my face like the idiot I am, desperately trying to erase those memories. I’m overwhelmed with the feeling that I have to deal with all of this on my own, like a lost child desperately looking for a familiar face in a crowd… My whole body is trembling, and I hold my shoulder tightly, as if afraid that it might hurt again, even though it won’t… There is a scar on my skin there that will never disappear… If only it was so easy.
Then, I hear someone knock on the door, making me start and tense up. I don’t say anything. I don’t want to see anyone right now… But the door opens anyway, slowly, and get closed a few seconds later. I can’t stop my body from shaking or my tears from falling either, so I try not to wipe my face.
“Ohno…-san? What’s going on?”
It’s Ninomiya… Somehow, hearing his voice makes me anxious and relieved at the same time… I vaguely wonder why he’s here, if he saw me running away or if he heard our conversation… Though I actually don’t care…
When I notice he’s getting closer, I put my hands on my face. I don’t want him to see I’m crying. I don’t want him to see me in such a weak state, even though it might be obvious… I feel his hand awkwardly grabbing my shoulder. At this very moment, I just wish I could rely on him enough to tell him everything…
“Hey… What happened?”
His voice is so close to my ear… I just… I want to forget! I want to trust him… I can’t keep going like this alone…
I suddenly press my body against his, letting go of all my doubts about him even though I know I shouldn’t, burying my face against his shoulder to hide it. He doesn’t make a movement to push me away.
“I want it to end! I want it to stop!” I say through my sobs. “I want to erase all these memories from my mind, for all of it to disappear…!”
No matter how ashamed I am to show this side of myself to him, he already saw it anyway… I tried to be strong but…
He wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly without saying anything, as if trying to comfort me. As if trying to take away the pain… At least that’s how it feels to me, or how I want it to feel…
“I can’t take it anymore!”
I try to wipe the tears away before wetting his costume, but I guess it’s too late. We stay like this silently while I try to make my mind blank, the tears drying up on my cheeks, I’m slowly calming down. At some point, he put his hand on the top of my head, his fingers brushing through my hair. He lowers his face so that his lips are close to my ear… Even though it makes me feel even more like a child, somehow it’s comfortable. It makes me relax a bit… Only a bit.
“Is it Sho?” he whispers after a few minutes, still holding me tight against him.
I shake my head. It’s not Sho’s fault if I get into these states, after all. It’s all because of that stupid trauma of mine.
“I know it’s him…”
I feel his embrace loosening up around me and I suddenly grab the sleeve of his suit, slightly lifting my head to take a deep breath, now that I can breathe again. He waits for about a minute, giving me some time. I’m not quite ready to show him my blushed cheeks, red eyelids and troubled face. But he seems to loose patience…
He gently gets away from me, making me realize how tensed he is. No…
I hold his wrist back when he walks away from me and he turns round, finally looking at my face, and me at his. He is… He looks scary… Furious.
“Nino, don’t,” I say with a weak voice.
He freezes abruptly, making me realize how I called him. It’s the first time I use something else than ‘Ninomiya-san’. His expression softens and he moves closer to me, cupping my cheeks with his hands and this time I blush out of embarrassment.
“Ohchan,” he insists on the nickname and somehow, it makes me feel at ease. “Remember what I told you last time…?” He brings his face close to mine. “That I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you again…”
I nod, but the only things I can look at are his lips. Right now, I want them against mine… To confirm that I’m not alone, after all.
I move my face even closer to him, then hesitate. This time, it’s not a game. It’s not about anyone’s pride or that addictive sexual tension in
the air we usually have… And when my face is an inch away, he moves too for his lips to meet mines.
The kiss is different… So different from the previous ones. It’s a gentle, caring kiss. A true kiss. It doesn’t last long, it’s not as hungry and lustful as the other ones were, but it means so much more.
“I’m going to end this for you,” he says when he backs his face away.
I wipe what’s left of tears under my eyes, on my cheeks and jaw while watching him leave. In the end, if Sho won’t even listen to me, maybe that’s the only way to make him open his eyes.
I follow him about a minute later. At first, I didn’t want to see it, but in the end, I kind of have to, right? I hurry up toward the room I just left a moment ago, seeing curious faces turned in this direction. When I arrive in the corridor, Nino is dragging Sho out of his office, shoving him hard against the wall opposite to the door. Sho doesn’t push him away. Obviously, he could easily win against our boss if they got into a fight, but he’s not even trying. He’s just staring blankly at Nino who is glaring back at him, fuming.
“What the hell is wrong with you?!”
I know I should stop Nino, take Sho’s defence, I don’t know, just do something to stop them, and it’s extremely selfish of me but at this very moment, I just can’t… So I stay a few meters away from them…
“I don’t know what you said to him, but what rights do you think you have?!”
Sho frowns. He wouldn’t have stayed still, anyway. I hardly think he could let someone insult him like this without doing anything.
“It’s none of your business, as far as I know…”
“Stop that, okay!? I had enough of your selfishness, already!” Nino says as if he was trying to hold himself back.
He’s holding the collar of Sho’s jacket firmly. Sho grabs his arm to push him away slightly, but he resists. Their faces are close and they’re staring at each other menacingly.
“My… My selfishness… What the-”
“Just shut up!” Nino yells, slightly lowering his head.
Sho’s eyebrows rise so high on his forehead and the boss is not looking at him anymore.
“I know what you think…” He lets go of Sho’s jacket but doesn’t withdraw his hands, still kind of pushing him against the wall. He looks up. “You beat Ohno-san, send him to hospital, then leave him and now you’re playing the miserable guy too disgusted of himself to move on. Don’t you see what’s happening here?!”
“Nino!”
All three of us turn our heads toward this voice. Jun’s here. It seems like they finished the shooting. He looks a bit shocked, but even more worried.
“Nino, stop-”
He tries to come closer, but Nino gestures for him to stay where he is.
“You stay out of this!”
Jun freezes but doesn’t try to protest. He glances at me, at the opposite side of them, and I want to say I’m sorry… But, I guess he probably understood what happened.
Sho looks back at Nino, back at their argument, ready to snap something back. “Do you think I don’t have any right to…?”
“No you don’t!” Nino backs away from him a little. “Just how stupid can you be?! You’re acting like a fucking bastard, you deserved all of this! You made it happen and now you’re making things worse, it’s high time you open your eyes now!”
It seems like it made an effect, this time. Sho stares at him with a bewildered expression, maybe because Nino’s words were harsh. Nino takes a quick glance at me.
“You’re telling me your way to protect Jun is to push him away when he only wants to be close to you and help you, is that it? Your way to protect Ohno-san is to hurt him… Don’t you see something is just not right?”
He was calm when he said those words. The atmosphere around us is cold and sort of electric. Sho looks pale and lost in his thoughts. Nino makes another step back, still staring at him with a kind of disgusted look in his eyes. Then, he seems to reconsider and moves back close to the older.
“You’d better think about it… Because if you don’t, I’m going to beat the shit out of you, got it?”
Sho stares back at him without answering. They stay like this for a long minute, silently challenging each other. Then, Nino turns round and walks away in my direction. When he arrives near me, he grabs my hand to drag me with him. I send a last look toward Sho, but he’s not looking at us. I hope Jun will take care of him.
I don’t know where he’s taking me but we’re not going back to my office, nor to his either. We just walk through deserted corridors.
“Nino!”
I pull a bit on his hand and he stops, turning his attention toward me, I look back at him, trying not to show him my weaknesses. I don’t want him to see me as a weak person, I don’t want him to feel sorry for me.
“Thank you…”
A grin spreads on his face. He looks genuinely happy. It’s maybe the first time for me to see this smile, for a moment I consider kissing him but… Let’s keep that for later.
-------------------
A/N: Aaaaaaaaaaah, Ohchan's crying again, poor thing, he's crying a bit too much, isn't he?
Nino always have this kind of roles with me xD Like... The savior xD That's just how I see him xD Especially with Ohchan <3
Author: Moko
Pairing: Ohmiya, Sakumoto, Yama, Matsumiya
Rating: R-ish, for violence
Genre: Romance, drama
Disclaimer: They're not mine...
Summary: When Ohno Satoshi got a new job, he knew he would have to face his past again, but what he didn't expect was to be helped by the most unexpected person...
Previous chapters
Chapter 9:
I freaked out. I know it.
I must have looked like a little scaredy-cat to him, but I really couldn’t. When I felt his fingers against my skin, my whole body was like… Screaming… I tried to hide it, but I probably failed.
I mean… This guy… Ninomiya, I just don’t know him! A few weeks ago he was shoving me against the wall, shouting that he was going to hit me, then he promised to protect me and now… Well… I don’t know.
Somehow, I want to trust him. I want to believe what he says and does is not just an act to make fool of me. When we were talking in that restaurant, I felt at ease. It seemed like he could understand me. The problem is, I really have no idea of what’s going on inside of his head, and that’s scaring me. I’m not ready to experience this again. Not that I’ll ever be…
This week was exhausting. Next morning, when I arrive, I just can’t wait for the day to be over and spend the weekend sleeping or painting or fishing all on my own, away from all this.
We have shootings again. There are a few more next week, but nothing much compared to what we had to deal with these past few days.
Jun is already there when I come in. He seems to be in a sort of trance, looking around him without really seeing anyone. I frown, getting closer to him. I’m not very close to Jun but I know him enough to be sure he’s not in his usual state.
I wave my hand in front of his face and his eyes finally focus. He gives me a slightly annoyed look and I can’t help but backing away. Maybe I shouldn’t have…
“Are you okay?” I ask hesitantly, because he just looks like he doesn’t want to talk to anyone at the moment.
He closes his eyes for a second, and when he opens it again, his expression turned lost and tired.
“Sorry” he says. “I just… I need some painkillers…”
He takes the side of his head in his hands and I understand immediately what’s going on.
“Hangover?”
He winces. I stop a staff member to ask him to get some painkillers for me. I don’t know where to find any in here. There must be a nursery somewhere…
“Did you drink last night?” I ask, even though it’s a really stupid question.
He doesn’t even need to answer, just seeing the face he makes is enough. He lets out a really deep sigh, then drops his arm to his side.
“Is it forbidden?” he asks on a bitter tone.
I know it wasn’t the best thing to say, but well… He really doesn’t look fine and it makes me worried.
“No, it’s just… Is it… Because of Sho?”
Another sigh. We talked about it last time, right? He said Sho wouldn’t be with him for now… I guess this situation is making them suffer both as much. I wonder why Sho keeps trying to punish himself the wrong way.
Jun drops his head, then closes his eyes tightly. People around us are all busy getting the set ready for the shooting and I’m supposed to check outfits and prepare the next ones, but right now, it’s not really possible.
“He won’t talk to me…”
He bites his lips with a frown. I can clearly see he’s just about to give up on everything at the moment.
“He won’t let me approach, he won’t answer my calls, I don’t know what to do…”
I make a little step closer to him. It’s the first time for me to see someone suffering because of… All this crap. I don’t really know how to behave but I know the only person who can do something about it is me.
“Jun… I’m sorry… I’ll talk to him…”
“Don’t!” he cuts me off, lifting his head up to look at me. “That’s not… I’m not asking you to do anything!”
I don’t look away. Jun’s aura can be frightening sometimes, but right now he needs more help than anything.
I hesitantly move my hand toward him, slowly. Then, after a short silence, I wrap my fingers around his wrist, trying to make him understand…
“No, you’re not… But I have to.”
“You don’t h-“
“Yes, I do…” My voice is slightly trembling and I realize myself the truth as I say it. “Sho will listen if it comes from me… You know it.”
He grabs his bangs falling in front of his eyes to take them off of his face with another deep sigh.
“We need to move on…” I whisper mostly to myself than to him, but he hears it and nods.
I’m going to do this for real, this time. There’s no escape anymore.
Around eleven, we get started on the last part of this shooting and my job here is done, except from checking the photos, something I can do later. I let Aiba know that I’m leaving, promising I’ll be back in time for the afternoon work we have to get done, and he just nods. Jun sees me leaving, but he doesn’t move from the set since he’s posing.
I walk quickly to Sho’s office, in which I’m completely sure he is. Since I’ve been kind of avoiding him lately, it feels like a lot of time since we last saw each other… And my heart is beating faster into my chest…
When I arrive in front of the door, I immediately go in without even knocking. I know that if I wait, I’ll be too scared… And I can’t afford it.
He’s here, sitting at his desk, his elbows on the table, his face in his hands. His laptop is opened in front of him and there are documents scattered around it, showing he was in the middle of working. He doesn’t even seem to notice when I come in. I slowly close the door, trying to be as silent as possible, but he hears it and that’s when he looks up…
“Satoshi-kun…” he mutters with a tired voice.
He doesn’t look quite in his usual state either, but at least he’s better at hiding it. Somehow, I don’t know why, but it gives me courage.
“Why are you here?” he asks, darting his eyes away from me, and right now I can’t help but wonder who is the most scared out of the both of us.
“I…” I try to get closer to the desk but it’s hard, though I make a few steps forward, very slowly. “Why are you hurting yourself so much?”
“What do you mean?” he answers with an acerb face.
“What’s holding you back…?”
There’s a minute of silence. This time, he doesn’t try to act innocent. He knows why I’m here and I wish he was courageous enough to face the truth, as I wish I was.
He tilts his head to the side, closing his eyes tightly, then opens it again, but he still doesn’t look at me.
“You know what it is…”
“I don’t. You’re only making things difficult…”
He suddenly gets up from his chair, turning his back on me, facing the window with crossed arms. I’m trying hard to keep my resignation from weakening…
“I’m trying to figure things out!”
This time he’s not muttering. He’s speaking loud and clear.
“What things? You’re just trying to protect yourself by making other people suffer…”
This came out of my mouth before I could hold it back. I really didn’t mean to. Sho turns round a bit abruptly and I can read anger on his face. I’m trying really hard to stay strong, but it’s getting more and more difficult.
He slowly walks closer to me.
“What do you know about all this? About my feelings? About what I’m trying to protect, about what it takes? Do you think I’m just a selfish idiot who can’t get over his traumas? There is a lot more to it!”
It’s here, the fear. I feel it growing inside of me, as if it had been waiting from the beginning. He’s just a meter away, now. I can’t even think straight…
“All I know is that you’re not protecting anyone, right now… You’re just too scared to face the truth…”
“What truth are you talking about?!” he yells, making me start. “Do you think you’re the only one who suffered in all this?! Do you think it gives you the right to tell me what I can and can’t do?!”
That’s exactly what I feared. For him to loose his temper. Considering how tensed things have been for everyone lately, it doesn’t surprise me but… What the hell have I done?
“Since I’m the one you sent to hospital, I just thought I could have my word to say” I mumble, too intimidated to talk loud enough. I think it’s probably what makes him angrier.
“You don’t…!”
He suddenly grabs my shoulder and shoves me against the wall. It’s not violent, he doesn’t hurt me, but… But… I’m petrified.
Images come back into my mind and I can’t breathe anymore.
“Do you think what happened didn’t leave a mark on me too?! Do you have any idea of what it has been to live with all this shame and guilt overwhelming me with each step I take, not being able to look at my face in a mirror without feeling disgusted of myself? I’m sick of it already!!”
My chin is trembling and I’m staring at his face inches away from mine. It’s exactly the same expression as that night. When he came back home and I asked him if he was alright… I asked him if there was something wrong with me… If there was someone else, because yes, I did. And the fear… This overwhelming, sickening fear, its hands tightly wrapped around my throat, preventing me from breathing, from thinking, from moving… Tears are coming to my eyes, threatening to fall. I feel weak.
I try to say something, but I can’t… It’s just… It’s impossible… And Sho is too blinded with anger to notice, I guess, but it’s better this way.
He backs away slightly, taking his face in his hands again. But I can’t stand it.
I can’t stand being in his presence for another second. I feel a tear rolling down my cheek and it kind of enable me to move again. The first thing I do is running away. As far as possible from him.
All of this… It’s over… It’s been over for two years already, why can’t I get over it? The images of that night are still flooding in my mind, images I wished to forget long ago. When I get out of the office, I hurt myself to the wall, but I barely notice it, as long as I can get away. The only place I could possibly be in peace in is my own office… Tears are running down my face and somehow, I’m so ashamed of being so weak… It’s just… Pathetic.
After a minute, I’m finally alone, allowed to let out all these emotions. I want to kick the walls, to throw everything around, to yell, to cry, but I can’t do that… So I just stay standing in front of the window, watching the streets of Shinjuku down there, wiping my face like the idiot I am, desperately trying to erase those memories. I’m overwhelmed with the feeling that I have to deal with all of this on my own, like a lost child desperately looking for a familiar face in a crowd… My whole body is trembling, and I hold my shoulder tightly, as if afraid that it might hurt again, even though it won’t… There is a scar on my skin there that will never disappear… If only it was so easy.
Then, I hear someone knock on the door, making me start and tense up. I don’t say anything. I don’t want to see anyone right now… But the door opens anyway, slowly, and get closed a few seconds later. I can’t stop my body from shaking or my tears from falling either, so I try not to wipe my face.
“Ohno…-san? What’s going on?”
It’s Ninomiya… Somehow, hearing his voice makes me anxious and relieved at the same time… I vaguely wonder why he’s here, if he saw me running away or if he heard our conversation… Though I actually don’t care…
When I notice he’s getting closer, I put my hands on my face. I don’t want him to see I’m crying. I don’t want him to see me in such a weak state, even though it might be obvious… I feel his hand awkwardly grabbing my shoulder. At this very moment, I just wish I could rely on him enough to tell him everything…
“Hey… What happened?”
His voice is so close to my ear… I just… I want to forget! I want to trust him… I can’t keep going like this alone…
I suddenly press my body against his, letting go of all my doubts about him even though I know I shouldn’t, burying my face against his shoulder to hide it. He doesn’t make a movement to push me away.
“I want it to end! I want it to stop!” I say through my sobs. “I want to erase all these memories from my mind, for all of it to disappear…!”
No matter how ashamed I am to show this side of myself to him, he already saw it anyway… I tried to be strong but…
He wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly without saying anything, as if trying to comfort me. As if trying to take away the pain… At least that’s how it feels to me, or how I want it to feel…
“I can’t take it anymore!”
I try to wipe the tears away before wetting his costume, but I guess it’s too late. We stay like this silently while I try to make my mind blank, the tears drying up on my cheeks, I’m slowly calming down. At some point, he put his hand on the top of my head, his fingers brushing through my hair. He lowers his face so that his lips are close to my ear… Even though it makes me feel even more like a child, somehow it’s comfortable. It makes me relax a bit… Only a bit.
“Is it Sho?” he whispers after a few minutes, still holding me tight against him.
I shake my head. It’s not Sho’s fault if I get into these states, after all. It’s all because of that stupid trauma of mine.
“I know it’s him…”
I feel his embrace loosening up around me and I suddenly grab the sleeve of his suit, slightly lifting my head to take a deep breath, now that I can breathe again. He waits for about a minute, giving me some time. I’m not quite ready to show him my blushed cheeks, red eyelids and troubled face. But he seems to loose patience…
He gently gets away from me, making me realize how tensed he is. No…
I hold his wrist back when he walks away from me and he turns round, finally looking at my face, and me at his. He is… He looks scary… Furious.
“Nino, don’t,” I say with a weak voice.
He freezes abruptly, making me realize how I called him. It’s the first time I use something else than ‘Ninomiya-san’. His expression softens and he moves closer to me, cupping my cheeks with his hands and this time I blush out of embarrassment.
“Ohchan,” he insists on the nickname and somehow, it makes me feel at ease. “Remember what I told you last time…?” He brings his face close to mine. “That I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you again…”
I nod, but the only things I can look at are his lips. Right now, I want them against mine… To confirm that I’m not alone, after all.
I move my face even closer to him, then hesitate. This time, it’s not a game. It’s not about anyone’s pride or that addictive sexual tension in
the air we usually have… And when my face is an inch away, he moves too for his lips to meet mines.
The kiss is different… So different from the previous ones. It’s a gentle, caring kiss. A true kiss. It doesn’t last long, it’s not as hungry and lustful as the other ones were, but it means so much more.
“I’m going to end this for you,” he says when he backs his face away.
I wipe what’s left of tears under my eyes, on my cheeks and jaw while watching him leave. In the end, if Sho won’t even listen to me, maybe that’s the only way to make him open his eyes.
I follow him about a minute later. At first, I didn’t want to see it, but in the end, I kind of have to, right? I hurry up toward the room I just left a moment ago, seeing curious faces turned in this direction. When I arrive in the corridor, Nino is dragging Sho out of his office, shoving him hard against the wall opposite to the door. Sho doesn’t push him away. Obviously, he could easily win against our boss if they got into a fight, but he’s not even trying. He’s just staring blankly at Nino who is glaring back at him, fuming.
“What the hell is wrong with you?!”
I know I should stop Nino, take Sho’s defence, I don’t know, just do something to stop them, and it’s extremely selfish of me but at this very moment, I just can’t… So I stay a few meters away from them…
“I don’t know what you said to him, but what rights do you think you have?!”
Sho frowns. He wouldn’t have stayed still, anyway. I hardly think he could let someone insult him like this without doing anything.
“It’s none of your business, as far as I know…”
“Stop that, okay!? I had enough of your selfishness, already!” Nino says as if he was trying to hold himself back.
He’s holding the collar of Sho’s jacket firmly. Sho grabs his arm to push him away slightly, but he resists. Their faces are close and they’re staring at each other menacingly.
“My… My selfishness… What the-”
“Just shut up!” Nino yells, slightly lowering his head.
Sho’s eyebrows rise so high on his forehead and the boss is not looking at him anymore.
“I know what you think…” He lets go of Sho’s jacket but doesn’t withdraw his hands, still kind of pushing him against the wall. He looks up. “You beat Ohno-san, send him to hospital, then leave him and now you’re playing the miserable guy too disgusted of himself to move on. Don’t you see what’s happening here?!”
“Nino!”
All three of us turn our heads toward this voice. Jun’s here. It seems like they finished the shooting. He looks a bit shocked, but even more worried.
“Nino, stop-”
He tries to come closer, but Nino gestures for him to stay where he is.
“You stay out of this!”
Jun freezes but doesn’t try to protest. He glances at me, at the opposite side of them, and I want to say I’m sorry… But, I guess he probably understood what happened.
Sho looks back at Nino, back at their argument, ready to snap something back. “Do you think I don’t have any right to…?”
“No you don’t!” Nino backs away from him a little. “Just how stupid can you be?! You’re acting like a fucking bastard, you deserved all of this! You made it happen and now you’re making things worse, it’s high time you open your eyes now!”
It seems like it made an effect, this time. Sho stares at him with a bewildered expression, maybe because Nino’s words were harsh. Nino takes a quick glance at me.
“You’re telling me your way to protect Jun is to push him away when he only wants to be close to you and help you, is that it? Your way to protect Ohno-san is to hurt him… Don’t you see something is just not right?”
He was calm when he said those words. The atmosphere around us is cold and sort of electric. Sho looks pale and lost in his thoughts. Nino makes another step back, still staring at him with a kind of disgusted look in his eyes. Then, he seems to reconsider and moves back close to the older.
“You’d better think about it… Because if you don’t, I’m going to beat the shit out of you, got it?”
Sho stares back at him without answering. They stay like this for a long minute, silently challenging each other. Then, Nino turns round and walks away in my direction. When he arrives near me, he grabs my hand to drag me with him. I send a last look toward Sho, but he’s not looking at us. I hope Jun will take care of him.
I don’t know where he’s taking me but we’re not going back to my office, nor to his either. We just walk through deserted corridors.
“Nino!”
I pull a bit on his hand and he stops, turning his attention toward me, I look back at him, trying not to show him my weaknesses. I don’t want him to see me as a weak person, I don’t want him to feel sorry for me.
“Thank you…”
A grin spreads on his face. He looks genuinely happy. It’s maybe the first time for me to see this smile, for a moment I consider kissing him but… Let’s keep that for later.
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A/N: Aaaaaaaaaaah, Ohchan's crying again, poor thing, he's crying a bit too much, isn't he?
Nino always have this kind of roles with me xD Like... The savior xD That's just how I see him xD Especially with Ohchan <3