[Glee] Twisted romance, part 1
Title : Twisted romance
Author : Mokoshna
Pairing : Puck/Kurt
Rating : PG
Spoilers : After Journey.
Disclaimer : Fox owns Glee.
Summary : Could it be more cliché than that ? Puck and Kurt, one song at a time.
Warnings : Crossdressing, High School Musical references in this chapter.
Notes : Writing in english is hard. And very tedious. Don’t hesitate to point any error. Unfortunately, it will take some time before I finish the story, mainly because I have the attention span of a jellyfish.
Enjoy!
Chapter 1: You are the music in me
It was totally unexpected and a little bit scary. Kurt thought he was above this shit but apparently, he underestimated Puck's ability to fuck things up. Why, but why did he accept his call for help in the first place? Because of a stupid friendship vow he took without even telling the others? He had already decided he would be loyal to the bone to the few friends he had, even the bad guy he hated for years. For this guy, throwing him in the garbage every morning wasn't enough to humiliate him, apparently.
"Why me? Why not Quinn or Santana or even Mercedes?"
"They weren't available. Trust me, I asked. And really, can you imagine Quinn coming back here after what happened?"
"Tina?"
"As if! Come on, you're my last chance."
"Britanny? She loves that song!"
"You think she can remember the lyrics for more than a minute?"
"Certainly you have other girls! You're like, the Dom Juan of these high school grounds!"
"The what? Are you calling me a Canadian?"
Kurt was speechless. Sometimes, Puck's stupidity rivaled Finn's.
"I'm out of here."
"Wait!"
Puck blocked the entrance.
"If you don't do it, I'll punch you!"
"And risk your mother's wrath when she sees me with a black eye? I don't think so!"
"I won't bully you anymore."
"You already stopped for months. Besides, it's summer."
"I... I'll do whatever you want! Come on!"
"You're pathetic, you know that?"
"Hey!"
"I repeat, why me?"
"You can sing."
"So does Tina."
"And you have this girly air."
"Yeah right. You didn't think a girl would be better to play a girl's role?"
"You wanted to sing this chick song. When you dueled Rachel. So I thought you'd make a good girl."
Kurt gave him his best impersonation of an angry Greta Garbo.
"It wasn't just a 'chick song'. It was the cry of a soul. Elphaba wanted to affirm her wish to live freely, without limitations. She went against the rules that others have set for her. It was one of the most powerful and moving song of this decade and I pity you for your lack of sensibility."
Puck gave him The Look. The same one his father had the other day and that said: 'Wow, you're so gay I don't even know where to start.'
"Hum... yeah. So, what do you say?"
"There's no way I'll play Gabriella Montez for you, sir!"
"Aw, man!"
"Besides, you don't look like Zack Effron. He would never get a mohawk."
"That's not important," Puck growled. "Would you help me or not?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I'm not a girl."
"I thought you were against the gender limitation?"
"Well tried, my friend, but I'm not falling for that. Your sister wouldn't believe it. She will see I'm a boy in girls' clothes and she will be humiliated beyond repair in front of her friends. That's a cruel thing to do to a little girl."
"She will be her friend's laughing stock anyway. You think the kids won't tease her because the performers who were supposed to play their favorite High School Musical scenes have a double case of herpes? She bragged for weeks, man. At this point, they're waiting for the actors themselves."
"So it's a lost case, right?"
"I'll go out with you," Puck blurted.
Kurt did a double take.
"That's funny, I could swear I heard you say you would go out with me. Guess I'd better have an appointment with an otorhinolaryngologist."
"Ouch. Is it painful?"
"For my dad's wallet, certainly."
Puck shook his head.
"Do that if you need it, but help me."
"No way."
"I'm not kidding, you know. I would go out with you if you accept to play my hot nerd girlfriend in High School Musical."
Kurt didn't say anything for a minute. He was so weirded out he could almost feel his brain leaking out of his skull.
"Excuse me, what did you say again? I had a blank for a second. I think I'm starting to develop a very rare case of teenage shock syndrome."
Puck came so close to him Kurt could count his pimples (the few he had, anyway). He didn't, because his eyes were focused on Puck's pouty and oh so very kissable lips. And people thought Pamela Anderson's boobs were distracting? Try Noah Puckerman's face in high 3-D definition, real life edition.
"It's good, right?" Puck said while licking his lips very slowly. "My sister's happy and you get a hot stud of a boyfriend."
"You're... not serious, right?"
Puck had the nerve to look insulted.
"Hey, all the girls want me! Even some of the guys, I'm sure. Don't tell me you never thought about it?"
Kurt blinked. He wasn't having this conversation with Puck. He wasn't.
"Maybe in my most desperate, delusional fantasies, when I have suicidal tendencies after a fashion faux-pas," he admitted. "And even after that, I feel so dirty I have to restart my facial care."
"Yeah, I'm way too sexy for your rainbow shirt."
To say Kurt wasn't impressed was an understatement.
"You think you're such a good specimen of the human species, don't you?"
"Shut up. So you're interested?"
"Why not? And then, I'll ask Coach Sylvester to adopt me. My misery will then be complete."
"Think about it. You want to defend your rights as a gay boy."
"Not really..."
Puck tried to pretend he didn't hear anything.
"Going out with me, one of the most popular guys out there, that will be a boost for your activist thingies."
"It's not 'activist thingies'! I don't even know what you're talking about!"
"Sing this damn song with me and I'll be your boyfriend. Or something. That's simple, right?"
"Why the hell do you want to do this?" Kurt asked, baffled. "Do you love your sister that much?"
Puck looked at him like he was the worst idiot possible. Coming from him, that hurt.
"It's my sister! Family! Of course I care! It's the Jew philosophy, so deal. There's no way I'll accept an anti-Jew for a boyfriend."
"I think this is the most bizarre conversation I ever had. When you know I gave fashion tips to Coach Sylvester, that's saying something."
"Huh?"
"Look at me! I'm talking Jew philosophy with a guy who made my life miserable since first grade Besides, you got Quinn pregnant!"
"Well, she's fine now, so it's good."
"That's not the point!"
"Okay, let's cut the chase. Go out with me."
"What?"
"Be my boyfriend, or I'll drown your head in the coleslaw my mom made. It will ruin both your make-up and your hair."
"I don't have make-up!"
"So it will ruin whatever you do to your face to make it so neat. I'll do it tomorrow too. And the day after that. I will bring the rest of the coleslaw to your house and smash it to your face when you open the door."
"There will be a time when you won't have coleslaw anymore."
"I'll just tell my mom to make me a coleslaw lunch for the rest of the year. She will accept. She thinks carrots and cabbage are good for the prostate."
"I can't believe you said that!" Kurt growled.
"What? It's true! Ask her!"
"There's no way I'll talk about your prostate with your mother."
"Go out with me."
That was the most weird and disturbing situation ever. Kurt gave up. If Puck wanted to be this obtuse, there was nothing he could do to stop it. It would be like trying to make a charging bull dance ballet.
"Fine!" he hissed. "We're boyfriends. But I expect nothing less than a high-class restaurant once a month and flowers on our first month's anniversary. If we manage to stay together this long."
"Good. So now, as a dedicated boyfriend, you need to play High School Musical with me so my sister can be happy so I can be happy."
Kurt blinked.
"I hate you."
"And I, sweetheart."
Puck smiled to his brand new boyfriend.
"Ready? We have four hours before the party begins."
***
What a memorable night. Kurt felt amazing, and not in a good way.
"If we survive this, I swear I'll make your life miserable, boyfriend or not. I don't know how, but I'll do it. Trust me."
"Oh, come on, it's just little girls."
"When was the last time you had to confront an army of little girls?"
"They're just a dozen or something! They can't possibly harm two big guys like us! Well, a big guy and a half, anyway."
"Do you listen to yourself when you talk or is it some kind of noise you do in between your lame jokes?"
"Shut up! I'm not the one with the dress!"
"Of course not. You wouldn't be able to handle it correctly."
"I'm not used to put on dresses, okay? Especially one this frilly."
Kurt gave him a disdainful look.
"It's a little privilege God gave me. I would still be fabulous in those racks you constantly wear."
"Shut up! I have style!"
"Keep believing, they say it's good for your soul."
"I'd bash your head if I didn't need you in one piece just right now."
Nothing really changed since they officially became boyfriends (the 'officially' part being both of them only and nobody else knowing that fact). They clasped hands, tentatively. Kurt shivered. He should be thrilled ; instead, he felt nothing but shame. It was his first time with a boy and it had to be Puck, of all the people. They weren't even real boyfriends. The shallow relationship they had would only last the night. After they finish their performance, it will be over.
"Just promise me something, Kurt asked."
"What?"
"Don't take photos. I'm not in my best mood right now and it could affect my image."
That was a funny thing to say, considering he was wearing a dress he didn't chose, a wig that didn't match his complexion and shoes so uncomfortable they were already giving him blisters. Kurt always made sure his clothes were fabulous enough to put Paris Hilton in shame but tonight, he felt like a middle-aged actor trying to pay his rent by playing Elvis in a second-rated bar in Memphis.
"Same to you," Puck snorted. "If you ever tell this to anyone, I will give you a wedgie so powerful you won't be able to sit for the rest of your life."
Kurt couldn't help his giggle.
"What now?"
"You're so predictable."
"I'm not!"
"Sure thing. Come on, let's do this so I can go home. I don't have all night, you know."
"Don't bungle it. This party is very important to my sister."
"Yeah, I understood the first twenty times you told me that. Now can we start? I have to be in bed at ten and it's already seven.
"You still sleep at ten?"
"Beauty sleep is not just a legend beautiful people invented just to be left alone on fridays, you know. If you don't sleep correctly, your eyes will be all puffy and dark. Uggh."
"You stayed longer than that for rehearsal!"
"Because it was rehearsal. This is just some little girl's party I promised to attend because you threatened me with punches and wedgies."
"And because you're my boyfriend."
Kurt shrugged.
"It's only temporary and we both know it. Once this night is finished, we can return to our passionate relationship between a bully and his meek victim."
Puck frowned.
"And if I don't want to ?"
"Excuse me ?"
"You're kind of hot in that dress, ya know. What if I want to know what's under it?"
"Huh?"
It wasn't a particularly coherent response but Kurt was so baffled he didn't think twice about it. Was the smell of perfume altering the few cells left in Puck's brain? Or was he drunk on his mother's infamous cranberry juice?
"What? It was a compliment! Can't you be happy for once?"
"Hum... Thanks?"
"Yeah, that's more like it. Come on, the show must go on and whatever."
"It didn't even start."
"Shut up and sing, pompom boy."
They stepped outside the curtain Puck's mother put on the entrance of the kitchen for show. It was red and lacy and totally horrible, in Kurt's humble opinion. And he wouldn't touch those ugly cushions in the living room for all the Dior handbags in the world (well, maybe for this cute mustard one in the last collection but it was beside the point).
Eleven girls in colorful outfits squeaked in gleeful anticipation. Kurt blushed. It was ridiculous. He was ridiculous.
Puck held him tight and for the first time ever, Kurt felt his heart skip a beat because of him (well, it was not really the first time, but for once he didn't have to fear for his new haircut, mostly because it was already ruined by the wig). The sensation was a novelty he wasn't ready to face.
Get a grip, he scolded himself. Puck wasn't Finn. Never will be. Just because he foolishly accepted to play his lover in an impromptu reenacting of a scene in High School Musical didn't mean he had to feel it, too. It was just a lame act.
"Ready, babe?"
"Bring it on."
The karaoke version of You are the music in me began to play. Kurt loved this movie (the second one, anyway), even if he would rather be slushied rather than admit it. It was a dirty secret he shared with Brittany. This thing was so cheesy and bad it sucked lemons, but he couldn't help but feel conflicted every time he watched Ryan and Chad's performance in the baseball court. Hot guys shouldn't dance while singing such an ambiguous song.
Puck's eyes scanned him. He was ready.
God, this song was such a romantic disaster. And how could the audience believe he was really a girll? He shouldn't have accepted Puck's proposition.
"I was off-key," he flatly said when the show was over. "It was horrible."
"Nay. They sang with us, didn't they?"
"Probably to cover the noise. It was all wrong, I tell you."
"My sis seemed happy enough. She didn't cry."
"I didn't say they didn't like it, but our performance was terrible."
Puck shrugged.
"I don't really care. She's happy, that's enough for me. What, you want to do that again so you can sing perfectly?"
"No way!" Kurt protested, his eyes wide. "I'd rather sing a duet with Britanny!"
"She's not so bad."
"She's not when she's with the right partner. Our voices don't match. She's way better with Santana."
"If you say so," Puck shrugged again. "So what now? Want me to help you to get rid of those clothes?"
"It would be a relief," Kurt sighed. "These shoes are killing me. They're lovely, but my feet are used to Armani."
"How do you pay for those things? They're expensive! I know your family isn't rich!"
"I work at my father's garage. He thinks I put my salary in an account for college."
"And you don't?"
"Not everything. I'm a teenager. I have needs."
"Nice. So, want to change in my room?"
"Why not in your bathroom?"
"Little girls. They'll want to use the mirror. Do you really want them to see you in your underwear?"
"Good point. Lead the way, mister."
They awkwardly climbed the stairs. Fortunately, Puck went first. Kurt was so embarrassed he had a hard time walking in his high heels.
"Girls first," Puck said while opening the door for Kurt.
"You didn't let me go first in the stairs."
"'Cause it's not polite. You have a skirt."
That was the correct answer. Kurt was surprised. He didn't realized Puck was so well versed in etiquette.
eI'm not a girl, so it doesn't count. Unless you didn't want to see my undies."
God, this answer was so childish. Kurt blushed. He was digging his grave but Puck didn't seem to mind. He just laughed.
"Hey, I don't say I didn't want to peek, but I thought you preferred a good man or whatever."
"Huh?"
"What?"
"Why the hell do you want to be someone you're not?"
"Hey!"
Kurt shook his head.
"That's only the truth. You're the kind of guy who's looking under the girls' skirts. You flirt shamelessly with them, you make them pregnant and then you cheat on them with the first pretty face available."
"It's... wrong, right?"
"Of course it is! You're the worst kind of man! Every mother loathe your type!"
"The ones I fucked didn't seem to mind."
"See what I meant?" Kurt sighed. "Well, I don't care. Not my problem and all that. Where are my clothes?"
"You can stay here for the night if you want."
Kurt could feel the beginning of a headache.
"Okay, do you have some kind of sugar rush like your sister?"
"Come on, we're going out, right? So we have to make out on the bed. It's like the first rule in the book."
"But... we're not going out anymore?"
"It's your reward, babe. My way of expressing my gratitude."
"You don't have to, really."
"I gave my word. Jew's honor."
"I doubt there's anything like that. Usually, the people with honor are scouts."
"We're Jews. If we can survive the Shoah, we can have our own scout's honor."
"I'm not even commenting that. Fine, I'll just... change in my car. I have a set of clothes in a bag. They're dirty overalls from work, but it's better than nothing, I guess."
"Hey, that can be sexy too," Puck smirked.
Kurt made a face.
"That's not funny."
"I wasn't making fun of you."
"Again, what?"
Puck licked his lips. He ought to stop that, Kurt thought. Very distracting. He was hardly remembering what he was doing and why. It just didn't seem as important as the moisture on Puck's tongue, tracing the line of his upper lip...
"Hey, Kurt?"
Crap, he was letting his mind wander in dangerous areas.
"Yes?"
"I said, let's fuck."
"What?!"
"You're hot, I'm hot and horny, so..."
"You do realize I'm a boy? Besides, I'm not attracted to you."
Kurt just hoped Puck wouldn't see through the obvious lie. He wasn't in the mood to be played with and tossed after their lustful encounter. Or whatever relationship they had.
Puck just gave him a cocky smile.
"So what? You're gay. That can be arranged."
"Being gay doesn't mean you're automatically attracted to every guy you stare at! You're not ogling every girl in your vicinity, right?"
"Huh?"
"What I mean, the girls you see in a day, you don't want to fuck them all, right?"
"Sometimes I do."
Kurt didn't even know what to say to that.
"And you want me to have my first time with you? Please. I have standards."
"What's wrong with me? I'm fuckable!"
"Sorry to point this to you, but you're also a jerk."
"You want me to hit you?"
"See what I mean? You're egoistical, violent, crude..."
"The song was right," Puck said suddenly.
"What?"
"I felt it when we sang. You are the music in me."
"Stop here with the cheesy act, okay? I'm not falling for that, Mr Smooth Lines. Mercedes warned me about your flirting style."
Puck shrugged.
"At least I tried."
"If you were any music in me, it would be a rough, cacophonous rock. I'm like opera. We clash."
"Opera rock does exist."
"Good night, Puck."
"Hey!"
"I said good night."
Puck's mother was waiting for him when he climbed down the stairs. She was very tense. Kurt tried his best smile on her but it only served to make her more nervous.
"Hum, yes?"
"You're a boy, right?"
"Yes?"
Her body shook with relief.
"Thank God! I would not stand another pregnant girlfriend!"
"Huh..."
"It's a bit weird for a boy to dress like that, but you're doing it for my daughter, right?"
"Hum... yes?"
"You're such a good child," she sighed. "If only Noah was more like you ! He only thinks about girls and video games, you know."
"Unbelievable."
"I know, right? He should be studying and thinking about his family more !"
She smiled at him.
"Can you help me ? I need someone to show him the right path. I'm sure you can do that. You seem like such a good son."
"Hum... right. Anything for my friends."
"Thank you!"
She beamed at him. Kurt was wondering if anything was wrong with the water in the house. First the son wanted to make out with him, and now the mother suggested they get closer? Soon, the sister will ask them to kiss or something equally crazy.
"I have to go," he said. "My father is waiting for me."
"Of course, dear. Have a safe trip. And thank you again for your help."
"My pleasure. Bye!"
Once the door was closed, he fled.