(no subject)
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man'sreputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends......................................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion..........................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui..............................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man.......... Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD
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"Well, what does it do this nine-inch penis? Where does it go?...Do I have a clitoris halfway up my stomach?"
- Carrie Fisher (1956- ), U.S. actor. Life (May 1, 1994).
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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
"Harry, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
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A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room.
He was told that it's around the back of the building he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a shit, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, 'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention'
So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through.
The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger....
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Two weeks ago was my 50th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone any "Happy Birthday". I thought "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better, someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me". I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go".
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not". She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable". "Sure" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday....
...and there on the couch I sat...naked.