Sometimes a song just says it all...
A few years ago, my sister asked me why I was so disinterested in a relationship with my father. He and my mother divorced when I was about 3, and his presence in my life was akin to Haley's comet, except not so predictable. My mother was furious for me referring to him as a sperm donor once in a fit of teenage angst, but for all intents and purposes...that's what he was. He left my mother, unskilled, unprepared with three little girls because he "just couldn't handle being a father". And he stayed gone because it was just too hard to come back. Eventually, I realized I did not want to struggle to develop a relationship with a weak, alcoholic stranger and decided to cut all contact with him. His decisions as a young man (and an older one) caused me to lose out on being able to develop trust and respect for men until much later in my life (yep...you guessed it...my husband, Dee. He helped make me "unbroken", smile). I was never able to convey all of the hurt and disappointment my father's abandonment caused, or why it's so hard for me to forgive being hurt. Last night, I heard a song that comes close- "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler. It's about a mom, but the sentiment is still the same. I think I'm going to send it to my sister and try to explain. I don't know if I'll ever be OK with his decision, or be able to forgive him. Yet I know that not forgiving ties me even more strongly to him, because I hold on to the hurt from that situation. I've let go of so many things in my past that were harmful...I hope I can someday move past this as well. I really need to hear that he's sorry for leaving without a backward glance, but I don't know if I'll ever get that from him. And I need to get to a point where I'm OK if I don't get that apology.
Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recognize
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
Are your brown eyes looking back at me
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all
Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far as I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me
I think about how it ain't fair
That you weren't there to braid my hair
Like mothers do
You weren't around to cheer me on
Help me dress for my high school prom
Like mothers do
Did you think I didn't need you here
To hold my hand
To dry my tears
Did you even miss me through the years at all
Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me
Forgiveness is such a simple word
But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt
Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
And just in case you're wondering about me
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off to Tennessee
Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recognize
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
Are your brown eyes looking back at me
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all
Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far as I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me
I think about how it ain't fair
That you weren't there to braid my hair
Like mothers do
You weren't around to cheer me on
Help me dress for my high school prom
Like mothers do
Did you think I didn't need you here
To hold my hand
To dry my tears
Did you even miss me through the years at all
Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me
Forgiveness is such a simple word
But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt
Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
And just in case you're wondering about me
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off to Tennessee