I HAVE LOST SOME FAITH ...
I always seem to be struggling with something even if the situation does not call for it. . .
1. I have to establish an over-all plan for my overboard life. When I cross the finish line of my twenties ... and that thirty flag goes down, I'd like to be closing in on having some idea of whatever it is that my life is about.
Here's what I've come up with so far:
a) I'll get back into therapy..
- (Hmmm...here we go again. More bills to pay. I say self-help books and caffeine works)
b)I'll stop coloring my hair and dye it back to its normal color--I'll artificially go natural
- (I pretty much did, start of the year, I've started to lose interest in hair colors that don't resemble the color of my rotting emotional disposition. So I stopped coloring altogether. Of course I cut out all the rest that was any lighter so it's black, beautiful, natural black.I have my natural curls, I don't blow dry it straight anymore [funny how the curlies want to be straighties and the straighties want to be curlies]. I just stopped caring about my hair period so left it as it is. Apparently it's in fashion to have big curls at the ends only. HA! if that were true in 1983 I wouldn't have to own a blow drier)
c) I'll only date people I really like, so I can feel like there's some point to it
- (Why the fuck would I date people I don't like? That collect and select thing, not for me, I have enough men in my life who accept me in a rejecting way. They seem to love me and yet not understand me, and still want me around nevertheless. Look, knowing me is a roller coaster of emotions. You'll hate me but you won't understand why you still love me. Speaking of which, that guy who wouldn't stop calling or texting. I just stopped replying. And then I see him at a basketball game while I walk my dog. WHY ME? *snaps* for Tin, didn't run away, just hid my face behind my sister. Hey, gotta start somewhere.)
d) I'll fix the eating thing
- (oh shut up already)
e) I'm going to slip my hand out of the comforting clasp of chemicals--No More Drugs.
--(I don't do illegal drugs! Honestly, that's worse. Isn't it?)
Also, get up early every day, read more, keep a journal, talk on the phone less, do less shopping and, eventually, have a child with someone. Obviously, the plan is in a really rough early phase, so I'll keep you posted as this gets honed down.
Honey, I'm honed.
2. In the last few years I've become an accepted eccentric at best and a fuckup at worst. I feel like I'll let people down if I take away the behavior they've grown accustomed to disapproving of. They try to discipline me, I refuse to be disciplined. They object, I'm objectionable. We all know exactly what to do.
3. By the end of the day I'd talked to most of my friends. . . Sometimes I'm not sure I even have any friends. I may just have a large group of people that I tell everything to. It's like I've made intimacy a superficial gesture.
--Postcards From The Edge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Been a while...hello journal! That day my dad lost consciousness, people find a way to go out of their way; if that even makes sense, to become good Samaritans. Or maybe it was because he was in the right place at the right time. The right place being a church. An inevitable and vast amount of good Samaritans to find in one place. My mother, God love her. . . My dad, 78 years young, who exercises more than any of us 7 siblings combined, the healthiest eater even before healthy options for food was even a fad. He will outlive us all. At least he was only in the hospital for 5 days, any more and my family and I who were already erupting in arguments from stress of the whole situation, would have blewn up like a damn dormant volcano.
Then my turn to be rushed to the hospital. Like my family hadn't been through enough. Played this situation down though, "I'm fine, don't have to hurry... emergency wing? what? why?.. okay fine". Not being able to breathe because your throat is closing up due to some sort of allergen is unfathomable to me. Right before this of course I did not look at myself in the mirror the whole day, surprisingly. I went to run still. Coming home, kneeling to try and catch breath I could not quite catch. I just thought I'd run too hard. Weird feeling, palpitations, hey, I didn't even have a drop of alcohol. And then my whole right side, arms and leg started to stiffen and my arteries felt constricted, "Shit! someone stick a needle in my damn arm and inject the damn antihistamine!!!" It didn't take 3 minutes, I started to get woozy, WHOAH! Felt so good to sleep even if I was so grossed out with imagining how many germs were on the handle bars of the hospital bed. Doctor woke me up and it took so much effort for me to even talk or walk. Like 10 Valiums thrust upon my blood stream, I have not slept so damn well in so long with my muscles relaxed as heck. 12 hours of shut eye was fantastic.
I noticed with hospitals, especially emergency rooms, people have the oddest clothes on. I imagine each one in a hurry to rush to the emergency picking whatever clothes were around. Miss Assumption here stood in front of her closet, palpitating picking decent enough clothes that matched with the most comfortable trainers. See, growing up it wasn't taught but it was instilled that you'll never know who you'll bump into, vanity-panicky. Don't have to look your best, just look DECENT. This one guy who had an American accent came in with sunglasses on. Seriously? First of all, drawing attention to one's self with the loud voice wasn't enough, where's the sun my man? ...OMG listen to me. FUCK. Grow up.
I'm obviously trying to stay away from the real topics at hand. . . Maybe because this is a public journal.
Okay how about just photos to summarize my birthday week. YES. I celebrated the whole damn week! How many birthday celebrations can one person have? Sky's the limit! (Oh to get back to that high. I don't understand why everything was just absolutely GREAT then!)
PRE-BIRTHDAY BEACH TRIP
Of course we cannot get enough of ANVAYA
Isa's Anvaya villa is finally done and furnished
YVETTE PLANNED THE PRE-BIRTHDAY PICNIC FOR MOI. Thank you my honey bunny love love love! AWUVYU so much Vety-boo! :) *mwah kiss kiss hug smooch slirp*
That's our other new dog by the way. HUGO. He's a toy Poodle. YA, SO WE HAVE 4 DOGS IN THE HOUSE NOW.....rar!
Chris you FOO! stop teasing Chewy
Sammy!!!!!
BIRTHDAY SALUBONG FOR MOI. Eve of the 26th.
I went 6 WHOLE MONTHS with NO ALCOHOL. Obviously still training. But Fuck it! my birthday! TIME TO PART-AY!
My reluctant French monarch :-P
MY OFFICIAL BIRTHDAY. THANK YOU TO THE FAZZINIS AND INA! Found out they've been planning my celebration for me for a whole week. & THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO CAME :D
Chris...ummm...heard you bought that Tequila bottle and it came back to you empty :-/
The tall, dark one on the right is one of the MVPs of the Ateneo basketball team who WON the CHAMPIONSHIPS this year!!! I have to say... I guess bitterness doesn't just run with those on the other side of unrequited love, EVIDENTLY even La Salle people can be bitter when defeated.
CHEERS TO EVERYONE WHO SHOWED UP even if I didn't get to contact y'all, and THOSE WHO LET ALL THAT F-IN ALCOHOL OVERFLOW that night, your wallet *cough* your thoughtfulness was greatly appreciated ;)
TEQUILA! queen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas lights have been put up after Halloween. Did I mention that's my favorite day of the year? HALLOWEEN. More than Christmas. I enjoy it tremendously to be someone who I'm not just for one day. My only escape. Apparently I like being stuck in childhood fantasies and fairy tales.
HALLOWEEN 2008
Think you can guess who I am with my Siberian Husky Luca
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD:"MY! What big ears you have grandma!"
WOLF:"The better to hear you with my dear!"
MY FAVORITE. This is Ina by the way, dressed as JUNO! That art film was fantastic! (for those who live in a cave, go buy the DVD!)
More Frenchies. They keep comin... Don't get me wrong, they're actually nice. You definitely can't judge people based on their nationalities.
Yo Ave! Forgive me Father for I have sinned...oh crap wait! Ave! WHAT KIND OF A PRIEST WITH A DAMN CIGARETTE! Reminds me of...
Oh right...reminds me of last year. So ??? A nun with a beer. G'em a break willya!
2007 HALLOWEEN
I cannot believe it's the Christmas season again. I'm quite glad Nic's home for the holidays. The Christmas lights have had, in the past, always seemed to make me giddy. Nowadays, it makes me want to scream.
I've lost trust in people.
1. I have to establish an over-all plan for my overboard life. When I cross the finish line of my twenties ... and that thirty flag goes down, I'd like to be closing in on having some idea of whatever it is that my life is about.
Here's what I've come up with so far:
a) I'll get back into therapy..
- (Hmmm...here we go again. More bills to pay. I say self-help books and caffeine works)
b)I'll stop coloring my hair and dye it back to its normal color--I'll artificially go natural
- (I pretty much did, start of the year, I've started to lose interest in hair colors that don't resemble the color of my rotting emotional disposition. So I stopped coloring altogether. Of course I cut out all the rest that was any lighter so it's black, beautiful, natural black.I have my natural curls, I don't blow dry it straight anymore [funny how the curlies want to be straighties and the straighties want to be curlies]. I just stopped caring about my hair period so left it as it is. Apparently it's in fashion to have big curls at the ends only. HA! if that were true in 1983 I wouldn't have to own a blow drier)
c) I'll only date people I really like, so I can feel like there's some point to it
- (Why the fuck would I date people I don't like? That collect and select thing, not for me, I have enough men in my life who accept me in a rejecting way. They seem to love me and yet not understand me, and still want me around nevertheless. Look, knowing me is a roller coaster of emotions. You'll hate me but you won't understand why you still love me. Speaking of which, that guy who wouldn't stop calling or texting. I just stopped replying. And then I see him at a basketball game while I walk my dog. WHY ME? *snaps* for Tin, didn't run away, just hid my face behind my sister. Hey, gotta start somewhere.)
d) I'll fix the eating thing
- (oh shut up already)
e) I'm going to slip my hand out of the comforting clasp of chemicals--No More Drugs.
--(I don't do illegal drugs! Honestly, that's worse. Isn't it?)
Also, get up early every day, read more, keep a journal, talk on the phone less, do less shopping and, eventually, have a child with someone. Obviously, the plan is in a really rough early phase, so I'll keep you posted as this gets honed down.
Honey, I'm honed.
2. In the last few years I've become an accepted eccentric at best and a fuckup at worst. I feel like I'll let people down if I take away the behavior they've grown accustomed to disapproving of. They try to discipline me, I refuse to be disciplined. They object, I'm objectionable. We all know exactly what to do.
3. By the end of the day I'd talked to most of my friends. . . Sometimes I'm not sure I even have any friends. I may just have a large group of people that I tell everything to. It's like I've made intimacy a superficial gesture.
--Postcards From The Edge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Been a while...hello journal! That day my dad lost consciousness, people find a way to go out of their way; if that even makes sense, to become good Samaritans. Or maybe it was because he was in the right place at the right time. The right place being a church. An inevitable and vast amount of good Samaritans to find in one place. My mother, God love her. . . My dad, 78 years young, who exercises more than any of us 7 siblings combined, the healthiest eater even before healthy options for food was even a fad. He will outlive us all. At least he was only in the hospital for 5 days, any more and my family and I who were already erupting in arguments from stress of the whole situation, would have blewn up like a damn dormant volcano.
Then my turn to be rushed to the hospital. Like my family hadn't been through enough. Played this situation down though, "I'm fine, don't have to hurry... emergency wing? what? why?.. okay fine". Not being able to breathe because your throat is closing up due to some sort of allergen is unfathomable to me. Right before this of course I did not look at myself in the mirror the whole day, surprisingly. I went to run still. Coming home, kneeling to try and catch breath I could not quite catch. I just thought I'd run too hard. Weird feeling, palpitations, hey, I didn't even have a drop of alcohol. And then my whole right side, arms and leg started to stiffen and my arteries felt constricted, "Shit! someone stick a needle in my damn arm and inject the damn antihistamine!!!" It didn't take 3 minutes, I started to get woozy, WHOAH! Felt so good to sleep even if I was so grossed out with imagining how many germs were on the handle bars of the hospital bed. Doctor woke me up and it took so much effort for me to even talk or walk. Like 10 Valiums thrust upon my blood stream, I have not slept so damn well in so long with my muscles relaxed as heck. 12 hours of shut eye was fantastic.
I noticed with hospitals, especially emergency rooms, people have the oddest clothes on. I imagine each one in a hurry to rush to the emergency picking whatever clothes were around. Miss Assumption here stood in front of her closet, palpitating picking decent enough clothes that matched with the most comfortable trainers. See, growing up it wasn't taught but it was instilled that you'll never know who you'll bump into, vanity-panicky. Don't have to look your best, just look DECENT. This one guy who had an American accent came in with sunglasses on. Seriously? First of all, drawing attention to one's self with the loud voice wasn't enough, where's the sun my man? ...OMG listen to me. FUCK. Grow up.
I'm obviously trying to stay away from the real topics at hand. . . Maybe because this is a public journal.
Okay how about just photos to summarize my birthday week. YES. I celebrated the whole damn week! How many birthday celebrations can one person have? Sky's the limit! (Oh to get back to that high. I don't understand why everything was just absolutely GREAT then!)
PRE-BIRTHDAY BEACH TRIP
Of course we cannot get enough of ANVAYA
Isa's Anvaya villa is finally done and furnished
YVETTE PLANNED THE PRE-BIRTHDAY PICNIC FOR MOI. Thank you my honey bunny love love love! AWUVYU so much Vety-boo! :) *mwah kiss kiss hug smooch slirp*
That's our other new dog by the way. HUGO. He's a toy Poodle. YA, SO WE HAVE 4 DOGS IN THE HOUSE NOW.....rar!
Chris you FOO! stop teasing Chewy
Sammy!!!!!
BIRTHDAY SALUBONG FOR MOI. Eve of the 26th.
I went 6 WHOLE MONTHS with NO ALCOHOL. Obviously still training. But Fuck it! my birthday! TIME TO PART-AY!
My reluctant French monarch :-P
MY OFFICIAL BIRTHDAY. THANK YOU TO THE FAZZINIS AND INA! Found out they've been planning my celebration for me for a whole week. & THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO CAME :D
Chris...ummm...heard you bought that Tequila bottle and it came back to you empty :-/
The tall, dark one on the right is one of the MVPs of the Ateneo basketball team who WON the CHAMPIONSHIPS this year!!! I have to say... I guess bitterness doesn't just run with those on the other side of unrequited love, EVIDENTLY even La Salle people can be bitter when defeated.
CHEERS TO EVERYONE WHO SHOWED UP even if I didn't get to contact y'all, and THOSE WHO LET ALL THAT F-IN ALCOHOL OVERFLOW that night, your wallet *cough* your thoughtfulness was greatly appreciated ;)
TEQUILA! queen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas lights have been put up after Halloween. Did I mention that's my favorite day of the year? HALLOWEEN. More than Christmas. I enjoy it tremendously to be someone who I'm not just for one day. My only escape. Apparently I like being stuck in childhood fantasies and fairy tales.
HALLOWEEN 2008
Think you can guess who I am with my Siberian Husky Luca
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD:"MY! What big ears you have grandma!"
WOLF:"The better to hear you with my dear!"
MY FAVORITE. This is Ina by the way, dressed as JUNO! That art film was fantastic! (for those who live in a cave, go buy the DVD!)
More Frenchies. They keep comin... Don't get me wrong, they're actually nice. You definitely can't judge people based on their nationalities.
Yo Ave! Forgive me Father for I have sinned...oh crap wait! Ave! WHAT KIND OF A PRIEST WITH A DAMN CIGARETTE! Reminds me of...
Oh right...reminds me of last year. So ??? A nun with a beer. G'em a break willya!
2007 HALLOWEEN
I cannot believe it's the Christmas season again. I'm quite glad Nic's home for the holidays. The Christmas lights have had, in the past, always seemed to make me giddy. Nowadays, it makes me want to scream.
I've lost trust in people.